SEE IT: Colin Jost’s full set from 2024 White House Correspondents’ Dinner | MSNBC

Thanks everyone, hello, that was the hard-hitting journalism you saw in the owl. I didn't know you were going to show pictures of me from high school. I have some surprises, yeah, it's not really fair, you can't do it for President Biden. because technology wasn't invented when he was in high school, it's not really fair. Good night all. I'm Colin Joe and I'll give the Republican answer. I'll be honest with you, I don't have much time. Uh, I need to get back to New York because I'm juror number five in an important trial. Trump's lawyer looked at me and said he had to be on our side.

Thank you, thank you Kelly, for that very kind introduction, Mr. President, Dr. Biden. Vice President Harris Doug Doug, as you can see from all the comments about my wife, I'm also used to being the second gentleman and I'm honored to be here to host what swing state polls show is the last supper. by correspondence from the White House. I hope that tonight will be a night to remember for most of us. I was excited to be here on stage with President Biden tonight primarily to see if I could figure out where Obama was pulling the strings.

I must admit that it is not easy to follow President Biden, I mean, it is not always easy to follow what he says, but before we start tonight, can we acknowledge how comforting it is to see a president of the United States at an event that does not begin with a bayth that says everyone get up and I would like to point out that it is after 10 p.m. Sleepy Joe is still awake, while Donald Trump spent the past week falling asleep in court every morning, although Fox News said he was just being anti-woke. We're all here tonight at the nerdy prom.

Well, Matt Gates is at the normal prom, but I actually thought. I saw Matt Gates here tonight, but he was really just my own reflection on a spoon, like many of you here tonight. I intend to do news on television. My Weekend Update co-host Michael Chay was going to join me here tonight, but in solidarity with President Biden. I decided to lose all my black support. Chay told me to say that and I'm realizing he was prepared. I did weekend updates for a while, but most people don't know that I started doing the real news at my first job.

I left college as a reporter for the Staten Island Advance newspaper. They don't have a table here tonight, but they asked me to pass this message on to the other print journalists in the room. "By the way, you think you are better than me." I want to point out that when I worked at the St. Now beforehand we had a daily circulation of 100,000 copies. The Washington Post would kill for that, so as a former aspiring journalist, I want to genuinely congratulate all the award winners here tonight. Congratulations offered by the Correspondence Association. scholarships for promising young journalism students who might one day be sent to cover geopolitical hotspots like Columbia University tonight, this event will be broadcast live on C-Span and if you're at home watching C-SPAN on a Saturday night , I hope you find his body soon before his cats get to him.

There are many incredible news organizations here tonight and some credible ones, too. The Washington Post is here. Washington Post. They were the ones who took their coats to the door. Please be sure to tip. Fox News is here. tonight is the end of an era, so Murdoch resigned from Fox News, which is strange. I didn't think there was a step back from Fox News. Trump's media is here. Trump media, eh, not at a table, just yelling loudly in the corner at Nobody. Wordle is here tonight sorry, sorry, I meant the New York Times. I forgot they do things besides puzzles.

I have to say, it's not a good sign when the only thing keeping a print media company alive are games that people play on their phones that are too creepy for them. Your room froze faster than Mitch McConnell's and I have to apologize for the timing, but as a Staten Island native I still get all my news from the New York Post, thank you, the only paper where the front page always has the same 200 point font. Whether the headline says World War III starts tomorrow or a Central Park owl dies in a collision with a building, the New York Post is like having a crack addict summed up by the New York Times, the times will tell. a border deal keeps evading congress and the post is like these mexicans are taking my stuff there are so many amazing people here tonight laura trump is here tonight okay i got one she recently released the cover of the song i won't Back Down listening to it Tom Petty died again, I can't think I'm saying this to a member of the Trump family, but maybe let's get on with politics.

Senator Bernie Sanders is here because he's not the type to pass up a free hot meal, and in general, there are so many influential, hard-working senators and members of Congress here. tonight and I just want to say on behalf of everyone I know stop emailing us, stop it, we get it. Democracy is at stake and his plan to save it is to flood our inboxes like his Crate and Barrel. It's also wonderful to be back in Washington. I love being in Washington the last time I was in DC I left my cocaine at the White House, luckily the president was able to put it to good use for a state in the union.

I'm joking, of course, the president doesn't call. It's cocaine, he calls it high speed rail, that's good, by the way, can you blame the guy for turning to cocaine? He must be exhausted, orchestrating four separate trials against his rival, rigging the Super Bowl, and preparing to steal a second election. Wow, on the left! I love, by the way, that Trump's two attacks on President Biden are that he is a sile old man and a criminal mastermind. I think you have to choose one personally. I don't know any criminal masterminds who ride a bike to buy ice cream.

It's not that Trump himself is young and clever. I'm not saying that both candidates are old, but you know, Jimmy Carter is out there thinking that maybe he could win this. He is only 99 years old. There is a choice. There is an election in six extremely long months. Let me see if I can summarize where this race is at right now. The Republican presidential candidate owes $500 million in fines for bank fraud and is currently spending his days farting during a porn star's hush money trial and the race is tied. racist tied nothing makes sense anymore the candidate who is a famous Playboy from New York City took away your right to abortion and the guy who is trying to give you back your right to abortion is an 80 year old Catholic, how does that make sense, By the way, President Biden?

Isn't it crazy that he is only our second Catholic president and what's even crazier is that in just a few months we will have our third in RFK Jr. I'm kidding, like your vaccine card says you don't have a vaccine? It feels strange Now, by many measures, President Biden is having a very successful first term, but people don't seem to notice, just like the economy. The vibes are bad, but the numbers say it's strong. The economy is like you on the steps. Air Force One feels like it's stumbling, but somehow there's upward progress. I think more can be done in the economy, sir.

I really think so, for example, have you considered eliminating the national debt by reducing Trump's actions? People keep asking if our lives are better than four years ago, of course four years ago we didn't have online sports betting, what more do you need? By the way, that's probably what keeps the economy afloat. Online betting and Taylor Swift without those we would be in. a recession right now the problem is that people will always compare his first term to Obama's, but I think there are actually a lot of positive similarities. Both made great strides in healthcare. Obama got us out of a recession.

You got us out of a pandemic. Obama got Bin Laden, you got OJ and by the way, now that OJ is dead, who is Trump's new VP favorite, is it Diddy? By the way, I bet if Trump selected Diddy as his running mate, I bet this race would still be tied. I think even some Democrats say they're disappointed, but I think they're just not living reality. Manage your expectations. People, it's like tonight. I'm sure we all wish we were at the Waldorf right now, but we're at the Washington Hilton and we have To make the most of it, be glad you're not at the airport, Hilton journalists, these are tough times and we need the people in this room to help us.

Help guide us through this. Their jobs are not easy and they do not help us. We are living in the end of traditional media. The guardians are gone. Did you know that 90% of people now get their news exclusively from social media and that must be true because I saw it on the Tik Tok of a random guy who was recording the video while driving? a Toyota Corolla but he seemed to know what he was doing, isn't it crazy how Tik Tok could be banned in the US by the end of this year? It's a real shame because we're going to need Tik Tok to document who he is. break into the capital next January 6 things are not bad for everyone, although this may be the worst time in history to be a print journalist it is the best time in history to be a court cartoonist OMG, the most famous man of Earth is on trial and no cameras are allowed, just the artists, their pastels, and their desire to make Trump look as bad as possible.

Every Trump sketch looks like the Grinch has sex with The Lorax to finish it off. I would really like to take a moment to recognize all the print journalists. in this room your words speak the truth to give power, your words bring light to the darkness and most importantly, your words train the artificial intelligence programs that will soon replace you and finally, I wanted to thank my family and friends for be here tonight to support me I want to thank my wife for putting up with a lot of teasing and for agreeing to meet everyone individually in this room right after the ceremony, that's really special honey, thank you, don't be shy, come up, she hates privacy and with my my family in mind I wanted to share one last thing with you before I go and I wanted to share one thing with you Mr.

President before I go I lost my grandfather this year as you alluded to a firefighter William Kelly uh he's the reason why the one that our My son's middle name is William, he helped Raise Me growing up and I wouldn't be here today without him. My grandfather was a firefighter on Staten Island for 40 years to earn extra money for his family. He was a substitute teacher and painted

house

s. Staten Island I should point out that it's not like Irish Scorsese painted

house

s. He wasn't a mafia hitman, he actually painted houses. The FBI is here. I don't want to start a whole thing.

My grandfather was another weird Irishman who didn't drink because he lost his father and his brother to alcoholism and I swear to you, Mr. President, this is not an age comparison. You remind me of him. Some of his best qualities remind me of yours. I will say that he was 95 years old and he was still excellent on stairs, I think. It's because he didn't try to attack them, but the reason I mention my grandfather and I don't know if he realizes, Mr. President, but Staten Island firefighters are not normally his demographic. Staten Island voted about 70% for Trump in the last election and the other 30% went for Giuliani, but Staten Island also sided with the British during the Revolutionary War, so we're not always on the right side of the issue.

History, remember, but my grandfather, a Staten Island firefighter, voted for you, Mr. President. He voted for you in the last election he voted in. I mean, I'm sure someone else will vote twice in this election using his name, but that's how the democratic machine works. He voted for you and the reason he voted for you is because you are a decent man my grandfather voted for decency and decency is the reason we are all here tonight decency is how we can be here tonight decency it's how we can make jokes about each other and one of us doesn't We won't go to prison after going to Newsmax Afterparty and when you look at the levels of freedom throughout history and even around the world today, this is the exception , this freedom is incredibly rare and the journalists in this room help protect that freedom and we can never take that for granted, so Mr.

President, I thank you for your decency on behalf of my grandfather and I thank you all, almost all , also his decency. I am very honored and grateful that you invited me here tonight, thank you and good evening