Rodney Dangerfield’s 75th Birthday Roast

in total for my

75th

birthday

HBO wanted to give me a rose I said no way I said no, so much has been done God, you had guys hitting each other cheaply I don't know how to love it so they promise me that there will never definitely definitely be no

roast

, give yourself good night. I'm your host for these proceedings, Swoosie Kurtz, anyway, I'm here along with my fellow

roast

ers Louie Anderson Sandra Bernhard Sr. Paul Rodriguez and will undermine Bob Saget lady Jo gave me some notes on Rodney. I will share one with you. Here she says that no comic has done more to nurture and showcase the talent of young comedians than Rodney Dangerfield.

That's a lot of rubbish. I really just have to listen to this impressive list of tonics that started I Want the Rodney Shows Tim Allen Roseanne Jeff Foxworthy Jerry Seinfeld Andrew Dice Clay Robert Townsend and Rita Rudner, to name just a few, and all of these people seriously love and respect Rodney Dangerfield and that's why none of them showed up tonight for both the clean portion of the show and now, as we introduce some of these wonderfully funny young people, one of the favorites in this branch of the business, mr. Bob Saget here is, it was 13 years ago, he was basically at the La Jolla Comedy Store in La Jolla, that's actually where they played him and Rodney showed up to hang out and it was the first time I'd like to meet him. and we were and we were with him because we were in the bathroom, we were in the urinal and we were together and he had seen me on, I think, the Merv Griffin show and he had said, I think he thought it was the Mike Douglas show.

I'm not sure, can you believe, I said that anyway, I can't either, I can't believe it and I should be ashamed that he's done. I remember he had no perspective on my life or my career and he was into these two. series at the same time and I was, you know, complaining for no reason and I said Rodney, I don't know what to do. I went and saw him at the hotel. I hung out with him a lot and said I don't appreciate him. him, I don't know what to do, I'm confused and he told me in deep words that only Rodney can speak, he said, you don't know and I had never heard the word used as an adverb or a pronoun or I.

I don't know if caucus was an adverb or pronoun because I don't know, basically I don't know, but if you're not Rodney, you've probably seen his by now, let me go, let me go, okay, most people if you go and go hanging out with him, you know you've seen him, maybe in a row, you've seen him in his bathrobe and you know you don't want to go on record saying that I haven't really seen anything, but you know there isn't a meal that happens that you can't look down and if you want you can see Rodney's balls, you could if you wanted, they say am I wrong?, like a janitor's keys, they're just hanging there waiting to open the door.

I do not do it. I know what they are like, but I've heard they're just lovely. It wouldn't be a roast if I didn't do the obligatory line saying I really love you, Rodney, and I really want you to come to my

75th

Birthday Party. You'll be 110. You'll be stinky and rotten and probably just like the Crypt Keeper. I don't care. If you're dead I'll take you to the damn thing I'll dig you up and have you at my party because that means I love you. Rodney is possibly wondering how the power of the Rodney Dangerfield name secured the services of all these brilliantly funny people.

In Louie Anderson's case he said yes when he found out we had I'll be working at a table but the ladies take turns thank you very much Steve I appreciate you not going out it's hunting season they could shoot you in the head hard to work , it is impossible to deal with an idiot, an egoist thinks he is the best of all, oh wait. Wait a minute, this is Milton Berle's roast. Most of the time at a barbecue. I do not speak. I'm not really a griller and one of the things. I'm actually a fucking turkey.

I know one of the things I wanted. Say it was in a nice way and that's who I am. I'd like to say bad things about Rodney, but you'll hear a lot of it and most of it is true. No, I wanted to tell you that 14 years ago in a small club. In Minneapolis, a group of us thank you, they were there, Grace, they've been following you for 14 years. We had five comics come down and we saw Rodney at a big nightclub who was working in the Carlton celebrity lounge. We got backstage and he. He came back after his show, he came to our little 50 seat club and made us famous and he said to me: Louie, you'll never make it, how about a restaurant or a clothing line?

But he came there, he encouraged me, he encouraged many. other people there, he had me on his first special today, people still come up to me and say, hey, I saw you on that special that Sam was on and I love Rodney. I have always done it. I think there are two types of people. There are people who have funny jokes and there are people who tell things in a funny way. We are very lucky to have a person who can do both. He is a great person and I love them. I won't have anything bad to say.

Honestly, I'm sorry that you. I will hear that you will detect a shortage if you have your shortage detectors connected. I've really made jokes about this great guy because we all love him, however we never know, let's find out what Sandra Bernhard has to add because you know. Rodney and I go back to a lot of great events that I brought him, he's my date and we rock the house, it's just Rodney, you know? Rodney said that if he ever had sex with me, he would want to go the whole nine yards. I told. him, let's be precise and go by an inch and a half I told them to have sex with you are you crazy? go to a psychiatrist he told me he's pretty small don't get me wrong Rodney has problems with women it's an expensive way Rodney is not a womanizer he was with a prostitute she told them no on the first day devices.

She wouldn't have said any of these things because I really love Rodney, he's been a sweetheart to me and I love working with them. I feel honored and happy.

birthday

darling, all the best from the judges, if you get a thousand pianists together you probably can't tell who is number 14 and number 26, but that's not true for comedians, every comic is funny in their own way, some of them are funny in others. in people's ways, but they are all different in their own way and it is remarkable to see that the truism reflected here tonight to show you how you can separate in their own inimitable way is that of mr.

Paul Rodriguez for me, not a damn thing for me. I'm only here because I'm surprised this man survived Timothy Leary. This man has kept the Mary E cartel busy. You see, he is the poster child for crack cocaine. They are both 75 years old. people, look, he's 75 years old, he suddenly got into a fight, this man has never done drugs stronger than CagA mint MD, look at him, this man has sucked everything somewhere, Nancy Reagan goes, maybe you should say yes, everyone thinks that jerry maguire here came up with that movie. show me the money it was a guy named Carlos Mendoza your crack dealer you know him he's the target fear wins the fight show me the money baby who sold me the crack show me the lay of the land Rodney Dangerfield is in the comedy where Woody Allen is in Planned Parenthood where is the company what are condoms for ladies? my own segment Elizabeth, my second, he gets a segment yah, that's cool, I have to work in the kitchen next door, you know, the big news this whole year is about sheep cloning.

He's been cloning waitresses at Denny's for years and I mean in a sweet way, you know, I was surprised that they shut down sheep in Scotland. I saw brave men, right, these are men running in skirts. It was bound to happen, what can you say about Rodney that the National Enquirer hasn't documented? What else did you get for the man? This is true, he sued Caesars Palace. Know? Since Bugsy Seigel the place just left. Know? I'll tell you this, no, Rodney, as we say in the old country of San Diego, you live differently. 75 years, I swear it's an incredible 75 years, you know, and God forbid, if you ever die, Rodney, I want you cremated.

I want those ashes that cost about $80 a gram in my neighborhood. This has been wild and fun too. is unprecedented in my experience, I think I'm going to get into the same trouble doing this show that Pat Boone did for Metallica, who the hell cares anyway? It's an honor to be here and now, ladies and gentlemen, let's bring the champion right here. man of the hour Rodney Dangerfield thank you, thank you very much guys, we're actually supposed to have much bigger acts here, but HBO wouldn't take the money, you know anyway. I appreciate everyone who is here now.

How good they have been to me. and all the people who come here because you know me. I don't get any respect last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids to be quiet. You wake up dirty. I don't get any respect from anyone. I went to the zoo the lion could come at me like that with no respect at all jokes my uncle's dying wish wanted me on his lap he was in the electric chair well what can I tell you? Everything has been very flattering for me. I appreciate it all, I love it.

I would like to love all of them. I go eighteen ways and Wow, and thank you all so much for being fun.