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Ricky Gervais - STAND UP Chicago 2019

Ricky Gervais  - STAND UP Chicago 2019
ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Spain creator of the office and extra water actor producer philanthropist winner a free gold words to 120 members and seven batters all over England Christine hello

Chicago

thank you so much thank you so much thank you I am thank you thank you it's amazing welcome I should explain something straight away usually when I come out on stage it's amazing okay I'm doing cartwheels and backflips it's spectacular right but I've hurt my back that's true actually I've pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf I know you're thinking serves me right for playing such a stupid game is golf but I'm not I've been in agony I'm actually on painkillers right now so no it's true if I suddenly start talking like Paula Abdul you all know why I'm not drunk so when the doctor this is true where the doctor gave me the painkillers he said now you can't drink alcohol with these and I went I don't want them then he went what I said give me some you can't drink alcohol with all right anyway well you're not going to drink with any painkillers do my mother just so I've been walking around like the Elephant Man for days but without the big obviously huh I assumed he had a big elephants to match the head though that would make things alright then wouldn't it that would sort of balance it out no because then he'd look in the mirror and he'd talk oh no oh look at that head I don't know...
ricky gervais   stand up chicago 2019
what's going on down here swings and roundabouts let's let's celebrate the buns are on me um so yeah that's my problems I didn't cancel though I didn't hate that one art is canceled your Turkish concept canceled due to sore throat ah I couldn't go on I was depressed oh poor little artist Oh can you imagine the laborer trying that don't go I've got a little ticker when I'm fed up ah move the bricks mate never canceled I had a gig in Dublin a couple of months ago okay and as you know Dublin is in Ireland which is offer yeah it's off the coast of Great Britain it's not part of Britain but it's it's very close it's sort of like our Cuba I suppose is that and and so okay so Dublin Oh to arena 10,000 seats sold out well in advance flights but really looking forward to it a few days before the gig they start grounding the airplanes because there's a volcanic ash cloud over Britain okay and if you fly through it apparently it make the plane fall out of the sky and there's like that was it you couldn't fly in that I mean a volcano goes off in Iceland and we can't but what's the point of Iceland really and I just fill in all the volcanoes with concrete okay just in fact tarmac the whole country and make it a carpark for real Europe because it's a waste of space okay and so I'm thinking well I've got to get there I can't cancel and um there were sort of pop stars and people coming over...
ricky gervais   stand up chicago 2019
America and they were cancelling their flight because they couldn't get in there now I thought I can't so I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin it cost me twelve thousand pounds right just cuz I couldn't bear to let anyone down or take the ferry that was they were still running sure um but that would have meant mixing with the general public and I don't this is about as close as I haven't so um I don't know if you're affected by the volcanic ash cloud but I had friends that were stuck all over the world and they missed weddings and funerals and back to put themselves up in a hotel for extra days over hadn't budgeted for and they couldn't get their money back because the airlines were saying no we can't pay you because the insurance companies won't pay us because they're saying it's an act of God well what isn't an act of God no if you believe in God that's sort of a definition of him isn't it that he does everything isn't that right everything is an acts of him he's all-powerful is everywhere at what he invented every that was nothing before him he invented time everything he's across it all okay he doesn't miss a trick and he's not absent-minded a volcano going off isn't like you going I left the oven on you know it's I know are these insurance companies that can decide what is an is an act of God how do they know okay if they got a hotline to God they call him up do they ring ring...
ricky gervais   stand up chicago 2019
ring ring hello can I speak to God please speaking oh I didn't think you'd answer the phone you so what do you want um that volcanic ash cloud was that you yeah yes that was an active me all right so I shouldn't pay out no don't play him a penny son no brilliant brilliant while I've got you here did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter's car as a lot of Steve Baxter's Steve Baxter to acacia a road Hounslow it happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June this year 2:15 3rd no that wasn't me I was in Africa that they giving aids to babies he does everything he does everything loom I don't make the rules ma well I'm glad I didn't counts all cuz it's fantastic to be a senior happy smiley faces probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend or am I I know I know you lucky you really I'm joking of course the pleasure is all mine thank you so much for coming out spending your hard-earned cash I know there's been a recession on someone told me I hadn't really it's still got I don't it really didn't affect me if I'm being honest we can laugh about it now now come on I don't under

stand

the recession it was until last year I found out you could go into your bank and say can I withdraw my cash and they could go no what no yeah got it I've got 50,000 pounds saved how about you um where is it lost it well have you checked the vault it's empty what was the point of that...
you might as well kept it in a drawer spot a little oh I hope you enjoy the show um oh you'll let me know won't you if I say something funny you're laughs and I got all I'll keep that in for the rest of the tour if I said isn't it funny you won't laugh and I got I'll lose that bit so some bits tonight will be exclusive to you they they they will be the bits granted okay let's start the show let's get on with it no one wants to be here all night um you can have too much of a good thing ganya though like heroin what although too much heroin is death basically that's when you know you've had too much you got about to up dead of that's the thing though with heroin you know try anything once kids sure but know this right no no you think I'll try I'll try it Harry I'll just try one give me give me a heroin give me one heroin okay just just have one or what's it like always lovely I want more I can't just tap it's like Pringles it's like what once you pop you can't stop that's I think that's how it works I'm not an expert and believe it or not I've never been a heroin addict no round of applause for that see no see no round of applause for never having been a heroin addict if either come out and go yeah I used to be a Harry now that I used to mug people and myself in doorways right yeah he hasn't done those things for a while yes he has done those things that we never did in the first...
place why are you applauding someone for suddenly acting like a normal member of society it's like that it's like I've lost a bit of weight I've lost about 20 pounds exactly you're basically applauding me for only eating as much as I need now I said I should have always been doing that I got fat cuz I was a greedy lazy bastard there's no other X right and I need the people that they called me now and they go oh well oh well done you look great but they won't tell me I look terrible they're basically saying I look terrible they no don't no one told me at the time it was really taboo I needed waiters to come over and go off you bad enough right and I've been criticized in the past for having a go at fat people I've never had a go at fat people I've only ever pointed out the fact that you get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off that simple science I don't judge them in any other aspect of their life but that's what happens you get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off okay and that that's indisputable okay now the thing is people think I'm having a go I'm not because I don't judge them if I see a fat person I don't make assumptions by him other than how they got fat and this is the other thing they know no wait wait but not only is that what makes you fat people know that's what's making her fat no one got fat behind their own back no one and then went what the that...
okay it's not a surprise it's a gradual process you have loads of time to back out from this project and he also no one's sneaking into thin people's apartments and have injected their lettuce with a million calories that doesn't happen okay they know what's - if you got your bloat with he's surrounded by cakes and pies right and you go you know what's making you fat don't ya he doesn't go who's all the running he knows what it but I don't make judgments okay other than how they got fat okay if I see a fat person I don't go oh he's fat therefore he's jolly right a lot of my miserable aren't they if if I see a fat girl I don't go I'll she'd be pretty if she lost weight that's rarely the case so don't fall for that okay a lot of them started eating because they had fuck-all to lose so no but there's no stigma attached because it that people don't even want to use the word fat now because I think it's derogatory it's a real taboo subject so they use euphemisms they go oh you know Brenda the big girl what seven foot no no not what she look like Brenda you know she's the one who's clammy even in winter just say she's fat nothing wrong with it it's their choice up to you if you wanna be fat it's fine but they don't like her you know Brenda them she's out of breath just

stand

ing up at her desk just but even though it is their own fault and it is their own...
fault I feel sorry for them right now I do particularly particularly fat women because fat is a feminist issue men get fat and we just go it all bought and paid for you know we don't come under the same constraints of society or as women are inundated with images of how you should be size zero models this diet that diet look like this keep your man and then make such an effort don't like fat girls therefore it's got lovely hair although that was up in the hair don't got lovely hair oh it's got lovely hair oh it's got there's lovely false nails I they make an effort anything but jogging right they love high heels don't they they think it makes their legs look less it doesn't it just you just hear him coming now I don't want any fat people to feel uncomfortable one of my gigs so next time buy two seats I'm John joking I'm best I'm Joe Giada I'm not having a go I'm just pointing out you know I was listening to the radio in England a few weeks back radio for quite highbrow there was discussion about political correctness my name came up straight away alright and there was a woman on there going oh yeah well it's it's not right I'm

Ricky

Gervais

is um he makes jokes about fat people he wouldn't make jokes about gay people woody and being fat is like being gay what no it's not what you can't choose your sexuality as we've established you choose whether to eat too much or not you know yeah with...
with with your sexuality you're born you grow up you discover you like same-sex relationships and that's it you're gay okay but being gay to me the same as being fat you'd have to be born be straight grow up knowing you're straight but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto Oh happy 16th birthday son this is Raul I sort of suck his sorry father suck his 16 now suck his I I'm heterosexual all with his newfangled words suck his come on I don't like father doesn't like how do you know if you've never tried it ah suck his I've got suck a one sucker that's not sucking it has playing with you put it in your mouth oh how that goal you might like it oh it's not so bad is it I love these if that happened then being gay would be the same as be in fact but it doesn't so it's not okay I was on a plane last year okay going from New York to LA okay and me and my girlfriend were one side of the plane there was the aisle and the other side there were these two huge fat women okay proper proper proper fat one of them just got on and went can I have about extension yeah cool she can you've earned it right so proper in fact I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going should one of us swap with one of them otherwise we just go into Canada do you not I mean and one of them was even fatter than the other one okay and she was there and she got on the plane with one of those takeaway buckets of fast food bucket I mean...
there's your first clue when did that happen when did fat people just give up when did they go into a shop and go I'll it just treat me like a farmyard animal really give me in a bucket in fact just strap it to my head and I'll just a bucket really you want your meal in a bucket yes right so she's there and she's chowing down right and I swear she turns to her fat friend and says this is the best fried chicken I've had all day but I'm not having a go I'm not gonna go no I'm not no I'm not because even though it is their own fault and it is their own fault I don't know if you know this about fat people um they love cake they love it right and I blame the food industries because you're going to supermarket and it's just packed with that stuff everything's packed with hydrogenated fats and extra cannabis and sugar and butter and everything and they love that okay and it's always a big doors now to a supermarket it's awesome they've got quadruple door isn't it no one's ever been too fat to get through the door of a supermarket okay and it opens automatically so that after waste Kara is pushing anything there's just and it's a good job at owns automatics using its glass and they can see the pie from down the road now in like that grazing right so I say keep the big door keep the big door sure keep the big door come on fat people coming to go but when they get in there it's all fresh fruit and...
veg it's all whole-grain it's all stuff that's good fear okay course there be confused at first I thought well that's not real food to them they think Brussels sprouts is packaging all right there they look at where's the cakes where's the cakes the cakes are over here but the cakes are through a different door but this door is human-sized okay so now they go as the cakes they're good oh and they're starving oh what's this a banana and a good man oh another color of the air back and forth for days and the fats for nothing so they can slip through the door and have a cake they can't go out again no but I mean but we've got to do something we've got Oh intervene and people say no it's not to do with you it's up to them it's their body it's their life and that's true but we don't say that about wearing crush our mitts or if you've got a heroin addict from the family you don't go oh it's his life you loves arrowing you know you go you go no you've got to stop this you could please don't Diane you get everything throw him in a cupboard for three weeks or something you can't throw a fat person in the car we didn't you're backing like me but you know heroin addicts I don't weigh anything you can throw them around willy-nilly right in fact when they lie in there with the need why don't you just get the neither one flick and they just go into the cupboard like that okay fat...
people you've gotta lure them in a little try the chocolates and they just follow that anywhere like that but we've got to do something because a third of the world or obese and a third of the world are starving the fat ones are eating the skinny ones food basically I know most the skinny ones are in Africa so out of sight out of mind I know but no no I can talk about Africa like that because I'm from Britain and we used to own it we did when we had the Empire and we ruled the world before you took over we used to we are owned Africa but then in the 50s or 60s Africa wanted to be South ruled they wanted independence and I said look we'd like to run ourselves we went fine so gradually we started giving Africa back to the Africans and by the seven is it was totally run by the you know Africans themselves and of course in the eighties we get a phone call hello hello who's that Africa what do you want we're starving you should have thought of that before you want it independence well we didn't know there'd be a drought did we drought I'll give you a drought this is true when I was a kid I was about 10 we had a really long hot summer okay and there was a hosepipe ban you couldn't water your flowers we've all suffered so that's true actually one long hot summer and the water ran out and we didn't know what to do we thought what could we do and there was people coming around your house trying to tell you how to conserve water I was...
saying things like when you brush your teeth don't let the tap just run you know put a little glass there and they came and they were putting house bricks in the cistern that the toilet to save water and there was Public Information films on the on the television there was one advert that was like it was like an animation and it was like a couple in the bath and it said conserve water take a bath with a friend which I did I say a friend he was more friend of a granddad's but ten pounds is a lot to a kid in England um what he taught me a lot he taught me a lot and stuff like you don't wash it like that give it here knows it was a sweet old man I used to call him granddad Charlie he wasn't my real granddad he was just no bloke that lived across the road used to come around whenever he saw my parents go out right and he'd come round mom and dad though yeah Oh was he a magic trick yeah he draw the curtains right and um it might be close my eyes okay and he'd sit down he put a top hat on his lap like that right a magic hat right and he go close my eyes just it doesn't feel the magic rabbit and ice to go up night for I used to go in I used to feel the little but weird little finger was didn't have any fur or ears right and it used to go and it was scared stiff it was it was terrible right and you make a stroke it fur and I stroked it so fast once that it was sick all down my each ah da da da da oh dear Oh where was I oh yeah farming farming is a...
problem which brings me to this next fad that we need to stamp out this happened Christmas before last exchanging gifts with old friends good friends um quite well-off friends from being honest um I got them a coffee making machine from Harrods top-of-the-range they loved it they gave me my present it was just an envelope I thought oh what's this vouchers open up it wasn't about jizz it was just a card with a picture of a go on it and I said what's this they went oh our gift to you is we gave a goat or an African family what I'm looking at the coffee machine think is it too late to take that back is it too what is it oh um we we gave a goat to an African family did you oh so I've got fuck-all then basically I mean I don't even know this African family why would I give him a go it doesn't matter this serves no purpose at all no but this is no good for anyone they're 50 quid down I've got nothing the African farm is going not another mouth to feed alright the goat is going where the am I is what this is a week I was gambling around the Cotswolds there was there was grass and tourists with not sense it this is a Dust Bowl there's no way that goat wanted to go to Africa it was basically that was kidnapped it was abducted it was put in a sack and bounded on a boat to Africa like routes in Reverse there is no there is no way they went you want a little Africa it went definitely not no no I'll come on why didn't you live in Africa...
lions come on why didn't you wanna go to Africa well that shouldn't affect you it shouldn't so just be careful with that charity particularly at Christmas that's when they get ya they give you a guilt trip at Christmas all the adverts of a cheerio Christmas just sitting at home aren't ya having your Christmas lunch loads of food too much food probably gonna throw a lot of it away right and things like this come on the tow this runs every Christmas day in England it goes is there an old lady near you cold and lonely this Christmas yet a hater nosy winds me up all year round okay I can't wait for the cold weather there's no old lady near me she died last year of hypothermia so result yeah brilliant um the other big one is a doggies for life not just for Christmas right behind that I'm really into animal welfare and that's obviously aimed at parents whose kids go can I have a copy can I have a puppy and I go no can have a puppy can over oh and they get them a puppy to shut them up right and the kid likes it when it's cute it grows up the kids get to other interests gets ball with the dog they lumber the parents with it the parents get bored with it they abandon it eleven thousand pets were abandoned in England last year which is terrible and I think you know kids should have pets I think it teaches them life lessons I haven't got kids of my own but I got loads of niece and nephews and they've got kids their own now and I want to be...
a cool uncle and give them what they want but I want to be a responsible one too and not add to the stray problem but I think I've solved the dilemma is it tit this is what I do anyway you gotta wait till Christmas Eve and always go to an animal rescue centre not a breeder and I'd go along to an animal rescue centre Christmas Eve and I go to the veterinary part and they've usually got like a run who's been born sort of disabled with no quality of life and they're just putting that out of its misery but I don't go no don't kill that one I'll take that one and they go it's only gonna live a day perfect perfect so so and I run over don't die yet don't die yet a little bit of Starbucks a little bit of Starbucks and I rush in I'll call my niece she comes running Uncle

Ricky

got your puppy ah oh you got me a puppy yeah your best uncle got your puppy yeah go and claim it quick go and play with it and she tanks it to bed with her Christmasy when she sleeps that she wakes up Christmas days dead cold stiff guard so result not a problem and I always come down the next day I go oh my pop is dead my pop is dead look at all what the puppy your uncle got you redo this bit and whatever happened after that isn't this problem I go yeah and I go oh maybe you rolled over on in the night they start I killed my puppy I killed my father I go no you didn't kill your puppy Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday because you didn't spend...
enough on your uncle's Christmas present they usually buck their ideas up the next year the other big campaign at Christmas don't drink and drive right behind that as well a lot more stigma attached to that these days when I was growing up it was whether you got away with it or not but people now know it's all its it wrecks lives I'd be getting in the car when I was a kid with grown ups and family and I go no you can't you can't drive if you have too much to drink and they go sir I won't get caught and then and but now that people know that's that's right I've done it once and I'm not proud of it I'm ashamed of it and that was Christmas I wasn't drunk but I was over the limit and I took the car out and I knew I shouldn't I knew I shouldn't be driving but I learned my lesson because I nearly killed an old woman and no in the end I didn't kill her in the end I just raped her but as I say nothing came of it luckily for me a thousand to one shot she had Alzheimer's so not a credible witness spiders or spiders they're always ready aren't they are they always ready for they're always ready for action a spider it's always completely ready for action like that always ready for action always I mean some animals are sometimes ready you start on a cat and it go cool for a few seconds and it goes back to chill with most of the time a cat it's just laying on the floor in it just on its side all four...
limbs just stretched out in one direction you will never see a spider like that you will never see a spider just lying on the carpet all right its head down and all ight legs just stretched out like that they're always ready okay they're all and they're always ready in every direction like the matrix like that they don't have to turn they've got ten eyes eight legs and ten eyes it's over the top okay and they're even ready when you don't think they're ready you can see an empty web okay and you go that spiders not ready no touch the web what touch the web and it's there I hate them 37,000 different species of spider 37,000 different species of spider I mean millions and billions of individuals in each species and that's just one class arachnid of one phylum Arthropoda there could be five million species of animal alive now on the earth best guess okay and that's one percent of all animal species that have ever existed ninety-nine percent of all animal species that ever existed are now extinct and that remaining one percent is five million strong take one of those species termites if we were to weigh every termite alive now it would be ten times the tonnage of every human being on earth and it statistics like that that make me think that this book isn't totally accurate it's the book of Noah the children's edition I actually got this awarded to me when I used to go to Sunday school every week I believed in all this...
to those eight it's an ad this Sunday school presented to

Ricky

Gervais

czar I double ki at a Mongoose for regular attendance not even for being good at anything just for turning up right he's always there give him a prize here be back thank you thank you let's have a look at the evidence long long ago when God first made the earth I let both those points go we haven't got time right long long ago by the way according to the Bible was five thousand years according to the Old Testament the earth is no older than five thousand years old okay it's actually 4.6 billion years old let's pop bang pop 4.6 billion years ago when God first made the earth and sky I don't big up it's like it comes as a package really doesn't it I mean do I mean the sky was never an optional extra it's like God made your planet I can't breathe would you like an atmosphere course I would so well done but everything was peaceful everything beautiful God made human beings too and he wanted them to be good like himself arrogant but very soon they wanted their own way they would not listen to God they became wicked and did wicked things look I'm doing wicked things there you don't get much more wicked than that dear I'll off wicked me off wicked God just looking on I'll carry on co-op and see weapons I'll see weapons yeah bloke there writing off with a big bag of money don't put it in a bank you hi God looked at them and said to himself they...
are so wicked I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth really really straight to genocide what happened to one verbal and two written warnings strapped straight to the annihilation of the entire human race because of fatty yellow trousers pick someone's nose really anger-management Matt just calm the down let's chug let's just you let's talk about this Wow I read that to karl Pilkington right who is yes yes head like a orange I know yeah and I read that bit to him they are so wicked I left what I'm going to face the earth and Karl said he sounds gay I said well what do you mean he went some gays are a bit like that he thought God was like having a hissy fit like you son they treat me like a bastard I'm going to treat them I could buy him a show that was Marga I said Karl God is not gay okay read the Bible he hates them they are so wicked I would have to wipe them off the face of the earth and every living thing with them what's the squid ever done but he's not gay God is not gay but there was one man who was still very good his name was Noah he was a friend of God just a friend so don't know just a friend a friend with big hoop earrings Rouge what what she do he lives in a cave what's he doing with this what what what you doing seeing God you never know handlebar moustache holding God's hand who's wearing a blouse God is not gay God said to Noah I am so angry with men you mean men and women whatever I am so angry with...
men that I've made my mind up to destroy them all I have stretched my bow in the sky is a rainbow that's got to be the world's first pun hasn't it it will make so much rain pour down on earth so everything will be drowned but not you I want you to build an ark it must be like a big boat with three decks and a roof over it yeah I know how to build a boat mate and you will make a door in the side of it do you think a plea idiot I don't know I did exactly what God told him and then God said to Noah now okay okay now this is aimed at children admittedly but it's taken from the Old Testament story in the Bible but I don't think the author of this book is a zoologist as we've said there could be five million species of animal I don't think he knows them all the way backs out very quickly in this next sentence okay I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark two lions two tigers two elephants and so on well I've got lions tigers elephants so on on you go look after them well and keep them alive and Noah did what God said now I had to study that scenario okay so God is angry with mankind he's fed up with and they're wicked right he's gonna wipe them out and just start again with no and his wife he's angry with the animals too for some reason I don't so he's gonna start again with just two of each species calls a flood they build an ark no goes right to every speed to just do it what quick first -...
there's a stampede - elephants - tucán just walking it's no rush just strolling baby I think this one is a bit more concerned than this one this one's probably going should we fly no no I could do this all night No ah sure yeah I mean we oh you've got wings you've got feet Wow why don't you want to push in the elephant's looking at me funny yeah my hammer if you try and push in I'm gonna stamp on you you you big nose hold on and were you calling big nose what do you mean no it's just pot calling kettle black what the does that mean what does pot we know for pots but I'll forget it I can't forget that I'm a elephant two camels two lions two ostriches two leopards two tigers two zebra ah here's the crux of my point just one species on the ark at the moment the giraffes they got their first longer legs okay five million more species to to get on there so two of it so two two animals on the ark of the moment ten million more animals to go ten million more of those okay ten million okay as far as 10 million of them to get on there just to on there at the moment look how much room there already taken up it's a third capacity what's it going to be like on there when these two fat get on then God bent the bar of his anger in the rain came flooding down covering the earth with water it rained for 40 days and nights the flood water rose higher and higher until it covered the tops of the highest mountains every living thing...
was drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark and the fish they were fine weren't they were fine they would love in it they were better off in fact all the sea creatures I mean mountains underwater their domains had increased like tenfold also it's so much more interesting you got crabs going I'm on a Mountain this is a thing I never want this blood to it I've never been up here before I think of that when you see on the news like if there's a little worm village in Gloucester flooded or something it's really sad to see people they've lost their homes and their ending is and they're carrying their pets and you see a little row of antique shops completely underwater and I think of a fish just looking in the window of an antique shop for the first time so that's a sheds long for a hundred and fifty days the earth was covered with water that narrow up in the window of the Ark and looked out the water seemed to be going down but how could he be sure we'll ask God you've been chatting to him all the way through why are we why are they getting cryptic all of a sudden he sent a raven out but it soon came flying back it could find nowhere to settle no wait he's another week can he set out a dove why did the Raven lose his job but the Dove came back to see the Raven wasn't bullshitting this is there was still no dry land anywhere but one day the Dove flew out and why did the Dove get a second go and not the raven racist but one...
day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch and no one knew that God was no longer angry then God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark then was once fulfill the earth when living things the first thing Noah did was to build an altar he offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them and Noah said I'll make a pact to friendship with you I would never again send a flood to destroy the earth the rainbow which I put in the sky will no longer be a sign of my anger but a sign of peace it will be a sign of my friendship with men that is how it is used today they took it literally it will be a sign of my friendship with men which begins today and which my son Jesus will one day prove by shedding his blood for men who your see it was there wasn't a teaser campaign in the Old Testament look coming soon the sequel and so when you've done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart he has promised to be your friend promised to be his and that's just one of 12 in the dove book series I've only got one number 9 now although I think my favorite would be number 8 just from the title Jesus and the crippled thank you Cheers Oh I I read that whole book to Carl and he believed it all why wouldn't he it's written down and I said Carl think how could they get 10 million animals on a boat Carl went they said it was a big boat yet they did that's true I said but...
they're all part of the food chain they would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive why didn't the lion eat the antelope why didn't the spider eat the fly and Carl said because in a crisis you all pull together amazing I'd love to do a book of his quotes I love books of quotations I love just reading them for for pleasure I've got a few of these compilations and then one of my heroes is Winston Churchill and when I read give us the tools and we will finish the job I thought how inspiring and when I read never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few I thought how patriotic and when I read it is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations I thought you cheeky fat git people always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that's ever lived let's have a look at the evidence okay here's one of his all women become like their mothers that is their tragedy no man does that is his that sounds a bit gay to me I don't just give me another guys another one I couldn't help it I can resist everything except temptation sounds gay as well I think I want to start that with a new I want to go or what could now pitch you know I mean I don't wanna I want to end it with I can resist everything except temptation chants to be a fine thing you know I and when he went through customs in New York all those years ago and the customs officer just doing his job said have you anything to...
declare Oscar Wilde famously said nothing but my genius wasn't witty I bet he planned that about the first time I went through customs in the foreign country was all yes sir no sir and leave declare no thanks on you go oh I'll just bought some of brilliant design I'm always doing that excuse me can I go back to it now oh yeah it's wait weeks in those days back on the boat to England just think of right they say that again and then declare nothing what would genius happy in a book rotation so it gets there again weeks later finds the same bloke goes up to him blow his own ego didn't even ask me that time excuse me I didn't ask me further random random right back on the boat three weeks later okay and then gets there at this time finds the same bloke this time he starting looking shifty so he gets picked out right there goes yes right did you buy anything that's not the question save you and leaves declare okay have you anything to declare nothing but my genius who's the butt plugs they're mine incarcerated in red in jail for homosexuality we've come a long way from it being punishable to total equality as it should be of course and England the gauge your consent same as heterosexuality now 16 and even gay marriage although ironically the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election California they had a referendum they put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage I mean in California...
there's people going that's why we moved here I mean it's a it's a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else's lifestyle that doesn't affect you back it's not like they asked a bloke once said sorry um do you mind if these two men get married they went no fine okay Jack them off then wow I didn't know that was done it's also a strange sort of bigotry because these people who object that were presumably the same people that said you know gay people were immoral and from isku us but now they don't have to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God and it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California thinking that's the bit they don't like with all the other we get up to it's the marriage bit let miss so confuse they must go to judges and go so a can I get the rules straight what you want to know I just didn't know what we can and can't do ask away can I marry a man no can I him up the arse of give him a little reach round please can't marry him but can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him home and jism him and throw him out in the morning all crusty and homeless I could marry him no and no and don't ask again could I line up 15 men I'm just riffing here can i line up 15 men and just jack him off for a laugh if you want yeah yeah it'll be difficult wouldn't it jacking off 15 men at once it'll be like plate spinning with it no because you know you couldn't...
either two at once really so you'd have these two ready to blow but then they'd be losing it in your clothes any macaron jacking off 15-minute wine and sip never thought I'd say that Oh again oh there's these people that say being gay isn't natural well it is natural and I've got a book to prove it homosexuality occurs in about the same incidence in the animal kingdom as it does in human society this is a real book it's called biological exuberance animal homosexuality and natural diversity by Bruce bugger mill okay the evidence is compelling and it seems there is virtually no species which does not have its gay community that doesn't mean like chimps on one particular street wearing leather caps and starfish they sort of spread it out more really this is a real book and we have the first slide please right okay right this is a real book okay right absolutely real okay two males Stumptown macaques in mutual fellatio mutual they're sharing their sharing erode next slide okay a male squirrel monkey right performing a general display toward another male uh he's just going what do you think of that and this one's going what suck it okay he's little and why because we're gay I'm not you on look at the way he's holding him and he's got his leg up for extra purchase get in there get in there look at him can you imagine my face when I discovered this book next slide please ah okay a female Olympic marmots mounting...
another female now I don't know what is in that for either of them unless the one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo one more one more slide oh this is a doozy okay two forms of copulation between male dolphins genital slit or anal penetration above and below blowhole penetration oh yeah oh yeah basically he is him in the head it's in the head he's him in the head laser I have never seen that on any wildlife documentary I've never why have I never seen that before why are they doing that maybe it's not in the wild maybe it's in SeaWorld which is like their prison and they're going going sake they put in two miles like some people think we're fish we might as well do it okay I mean look at his face he's going Dave what could we could we not do it up the ass like them no it's in the head or nothing Dave what what Dave Dave I love you but I can't breathe that is a real book that is a real book could we have that look I love the fact that you found like a turkey and rag2 to show how gay animals could be the gayest animal in the world oh yeah I hope I haven't offended anyone with any of the subject now I do I do that's not the point I don't try and offend if I have offended anyone and I'm sure I have I don't apologize no I think you should you have to be able to justify everything you do and I just think that a comedian should take you to the boob place you haven't been before otherwise you could do it yourself...
there's enough anodyne comedy out there just doing things obvious stuff that you know doesn't make it you know any any difference at all and there's this spite of comedian saying sorry when they go too far I just think you know you should they go oh sorry I didn't mean it well you should know better then it's there's also a witch-hunt at the moment with people saying oh is there anything you shouldn't make a joke about no there's nothing you shouldn't joke about it depends what the joke is comedy comes from a good or a bad place and it's for you to decide what what that is and I think that there's a big debate about sick jokes on Peter kameena doing sick jokes now the thing about sick jokes when we tell a sick joke it's with the express under

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ing that neither party is really like that I wouldn't tell a sick joke to a known pedophile I wouldn't go yeah mate you're gonna love this more than anyone son and I've never been in trouble for anything I've said in my professional career because I refused to apologize what can they do to you you know growing up you know you try try things out and you get taken the wrong way a little bit not like the dolphin I mean you know when I was about 23 24 me my girlfriend met up with this other couple they'd moved down from the north of England to London I used to come in to play so I used to work and we had a couple of drinks or them they were cool people and...
they're fun and then after we met a couple of times they invited us to a pie at their house and we went along one it was a dinner party was they haven't warned us about but - it was for their family that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on and it was both that's their parents and grandparents and great uncles average age about 85 right and I think we were an afterthought we thought oh god we don't know anyone our age all that

Ricky

and Jane so we went along and we were still getting to know them so he just spoke to them all night we didn't really mingle with it with the older people and then as I say we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine but usually as they're getting to know you okay we use comedy to break the ice are you like-minded what can you take what do you like and I've always sort of pushed the boundaries a little bit to try my people to laugh at things I didn't think they could but you know then there you know everything turns out ok I suppose and I started off lightly I told this joke why did the little girl fall off the swing because she had no arms yeah sweet and they laughed a little bit louder than that there was only two of them so thanks right no so I thought okay they get it they like so and so you up the ante a little bit don't you push and I told this joke oh I need a drink start the car seriously right I told this joke made sure the old people couldn't hear I went okay father...
sitting at home just reading the newspaper his little girl comes running in she's only six hello darling hello daddy you've been playing yeah in the park yeah with your friends well until the man came along till the man came along yeah man came along and he asked my friends to leave so it's just me and him darling come over whatever happened none of it was your fault okay darling none of it was your fault but tell daddy every detail what happened um he took me behind a tree so no I could see what you were doing I've got darling in there what happened um he took my dress off Oh God what happened next weapon um he took his thing out Oh God darling and then what happened nothing that was it we'll make something up don't tell anyone that I wanted to be a surprise so I told that joke carried on getting a bit drunker telling jokes huh eventually we sat down for the meal about quarter to 10:00 they put two tables together and the hosts at either end and they put me in the middle opposite this very sweet but very deaf sort of eighty year old man so conversation was a bit stilted and after about 20 minutes Ian one of the hosts pipes up and says already tell that joke what all the object went all we love jokes do you I looked at Union won't be fine I went okay and you get on with this conversation and so they're all like that I went oh father sitting at home reading a face little girl comes running told the whole joke got to the bit we'll make...
something up they went silence I look to ear anyway not that one thank you so much you've been fantastic and I thank you thank you very much thank you so much thank you fantastic thank you so much I love

Chicago

isn't it brilliant isn't it amazing just the best time thank you thank you so much I'd say I'd risk coming again through volcanic ash clouds anything to go is it's Fanta terrorist attack I've actually always been a nervous flier to be honest and I flew a few weeks after 9/11 and um and after 9/11 the world went a little bit crazy you know under

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ably the rules change and there was a lot of anger and fear and confusion and finger-pointing and then I'd always consider myself quite a rational liberal sort of guy and I try to remain that way after 9/11 and even in like you know in the pub with mates I'd be the ones going no you can't say that now that's a generalization that's that's ridiculous no no that's that's unfair you can't tie over with the same brush no it's still the safest form of transport it's 16 million to 1 the chance of her you know trying to be rational that's in a pub when I'm flying it's more like check him again can we check him again he's getting on this but do you mind if I check him can I just can I just and after 9/11 with all the checks I still tried to remain sort of rational philosophic I was thinking right it's it's harder now than it ever was...
to get a bomb on the plane this is you know it's the restrictions of time it's safe for now and then I found out that a terrorist doesn't even get on the plane now with the bomb they found heat-seeking missiles and they could just Park up in some sort of lay by and take the plane out within the first 10 minutes of takeoff so now I'd be on the plane going right we're out of range who's got the bomb right and as I saw I flew a couple of weeks after 9/11 an internal flight and we're up in the air I've done the thing right we're out of range right okay huh I lost a limit nervous and I said to the air hostess I said have you got any magazines think of this she said quite loud quite blase she said no honey we've got no magazines we've had to undertake severe cutbacks because we're one of the companies being sued over 9/11 one don't mention 9/11 surely a new rule but went round don't mention 911 when you're handing out the coffee just you know I mean right - don't say severe cutbacks severe cutbacks if someone says that I don't think of magazines anymore I think of a bloke an aircraft hanger earlier that week going do we really need all these rivets it's just what terrible bedside manner I mean I take first-class flights everywhere I know you wouldn't have any other way I'd do it for you really some of the flights I take cost ten thousand pounds okay and for ten thousand pounds in a disaster I expect the...
front end of my plane that I'm in to gently break off and float down to a desert island it doesn't are Dover the best you losers that's not fair is it I know you tried to save me but you couldn't eat we just be on the news I'd probably only one get name-checked on the news you'd be turned in thirty others but I was his some consolation but anyway so okay once I was flying back from New York okay 925 a Saturday night JFK to London Heathrow be a first-class okay now this is my point it's fear that threatens rational thought I think okay I'm there now the whole week leading up to that flight so if you remember it always happened more than once oh I don't know a couple years ago on every news channel in America there was a rolling ticker tape that said America on red alert we've had Intel there's going to be another 9/11 in a major sea probably New York or LA okay this weekend do not fly unless you absolutely had to right I had to I was filming and but so I'm the only one in the first-class lounge okay and I still tried to remain rational so they can know it's safe for now everyone's looking for a terrorist today they leave it till Monday all right and then it happened the thing the threatened my rational thought I have a little bit of a mini breakdown into the first-class lounge about 30 minutes before boarding came this guy I don't know whether it was North African or Middle Eastern or Asian but you had all the gear...
all right beard steer the tosh.o case okay and here's your middle-class sort of liberal I went I was suddenly engaging staff in sort of banal conversation but flight on time they go yeah what's the weather like in London like they were gonna go it's a bit cloudy but there is right didn't happen so I'm left there right and I'm looking over him and I'm thinking of all the running up to it and the week or the news nothing but now there's a fight between good and evil between rational and irrational okay this one goes oh that's a suicide bomber oh very stupid course it isn't it is how'd you know that's what he look like Wow beard day me stupid right then he makes a phone call and I couldn't under

stand

what he was saying be sounded a bit angry okay this one goes all we made a phone call right this what no you just made a phone call yeah but not in foreign sharp right he's been checked like the rest of us have been checked did they check the beard yeah they checked the beard yeah and then I'm looking at him must be an absent-minded with all this going on in my head and he catches me looking and he does this because all we knows he knows right this one goes no he knows why you're looking at me Zed that's all prejudice for months now stop looking at him Yeah right but this one starts winning the fear starts beating all the rational thought in the world and I was going no it could be what yeah it could be probably not...
well know the stats are up today yeah but still it won't happen don't say it won't happen to us people of 9/11 said it wouldn't happen to them yeah but all the tests yeah where they find new ways of getting through our detection then we have to up again yeah you're right and suddenly I thought oh my god this is it this is it and that wave of nausea and you suddenly realize oh my god I'm witnessing this this one goes okay right let's report him this one goes no why in case someone thinks we're racist no that let's let's report him and be a wrong embarrassed live racist just in case right and I don't know so I don't and so now I think he is as soon as Obama and I think I'm gonna get on the plane and die but I'm not gonna do anything about it and I'm nearly in tears and all this happens in a few moments and I look over and he's joined by his wife who's got all the gear and it's two little girls okay and I suddenly go ah course he's not suicide bomber if you're off to see 72 virgins you don't take the wife and kids along so though it and I got on the plane and of course he wasn't a terrorist now was sort of a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of it and I was relieved nothing and then it was a businessman and a family man he was playing with his two little girls I kept running up and down and banging into my chair he wasn't doing anything about that at all okay nothing about that at...
all okay and he was sort of chasing him and I was squealing really I've been going through after half an hour I was hoping some would blow the plane up two hours but a really weird thing happened during that period I got so paranoid about terrorist attack that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere just because I was so rich no no again my philosophy was I'm the only person on this plane and I definitely haven't got a bomb so we're all right you know and I was taking a helicopter one day and I was waiting on the helipad okay rewind two days before that I'm at home I have a material materials and there's a carton of milk there with the missing person things on the back and I've seen a thousand of them okay this one was slightly different because it was a missing child which is always sadder well no it's sad when anyone goes missing but presumably cause of her age this was an abduction and you know and it was also the language it was a plea from the mother and it was the wording she just said the name of the little girl which I won't say I remember it um and the day and place where she was last seen and she just said five years old blond hair blue eyes always happy please help me and it must have stayed with me two days later I'm there like a wharf development wagon waiting for this helicopter and I'm looking down on to sort of some disused so a warehouse space and I look in one right and someone had put up a brown...
blanket with this duct tape okay as like a curtain and it had fallen away and I can see in this is true story it's an empty room apart from a mattress and on the mattress is a little girl with her hands tied and my heart five years old five years old blonde hair blonde blue eyes blue eyes always happy crying her eyes out what it it couldn't be no I left it thanks very much you've been amazing good night

Chicago

Cheers thank you Cheers thank you so much thank you thank you there's a you know everyone thank you you