Ricky Gervais - STAND UP Chicago 2019Jun 13, 2022
zoologist, since we have said that there could be five million. species of animal I don't think I fully know them backtrack very quickly in the next sentence okay I want you to take two of each type of animal with you to the ark two lions two tigers two elephants and so on well I have lions, tigers, elephants, etc. Take good care of them and keep them alive and Noah did what God said now. I had to study that scenario ok so god is mad at humanity he is sick of and they are evil right he will remove them and start over without and his wife is also mad at animals for some reason not me . so it's going to start over with only two of each species call a flood build an ark not going straight at full speed so make it fast first - there's a stampede - elephants - toucan just walking no rush just walking baby i think this one is a little more worried than this one this one probably goes we should fly no I couldn't do this all night no oh sure yeah I mean us oh you have wings you have feet wow why don't you want to push the elephant he's looking at me funny yes my hammer , if you try to push, I'll stomp you, your big nose, hold on and you were calling big nose, what do you mean? that means what the pot means we know for pots but i'll forget i can't forget i'm an elephant two camels two lions two ostriches two leopards two tigers two zebras ah here's the crux of my point only one species in the ark at the moment when giraffes got their first longer legs okay five million more species to get there so two of so two two animals on the ark at the moment ten million more animals to go ten million more of that okay ten million okay up to 10 million of them to get there just for there right now look how much space it's already taken up it's a third capacity how it's going to be there when these two fat guys get on then god doubled the bar of his wrath in the rain it came flooding covering the land with water it rained for 40 days and nights the flood water rose higher and higher until it covered the tops of the highest mountains all living things were drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark and the fish were ok they weren't ok they were ok they would love it they were better in fact all the sea creatures i mean mountains under water their domains have increased tenfold it's also much more interesting you have crabs on the go i'm on a mountain this is something i never want this blood i've never been here before i think about it when you see on the news like there's a little worm village in gloucester flooded or something it's so sad to see people who have lost their homes and their end is and they're loading their pets and you see a little row of antique shops completely under water and I think of a fish that just looked in an antique shop window for the first time, so that's a hundred and fifty day shed, the earth was covered with water narrowing at the window of the Ark and looking out, the water seemed to be going down, but how could I be sure that we will ask God?
You've been talking to him the whole time. Why are we? Why are they getting cryptic? Suddenly, he sent out a raven, but it soon flew back. I couldn't find anywhere to settle. No, wait, he's someone else. A dove can come out every week Why did the Raven lose his job but the Dove came back to see that the Raven was not lying? a second time and not the racist raven but one day the dove flew out and brought a green olive branch and no one knew God was not angry anymore then God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark and then a Once the earth was fulfilled when the living beings, the first thing Noah did was build an altar, he offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for having saved them and Noah said I will make a friendship pact with you, never again will I send a flood to destroy the earth, the rainbow that I put in heaven it will no longer be a sign of my wrath but a sign of peace it will be a sign of my friendship with men that is how it is used today they took it literally it will be a sign of my friendship with men that begins today and that my son Jesus a one day he will prove by throwing off his bl Well for men who see that there was no breakthrough campaign in the Old Testament, watch the sequel soon, and therefore when you have done something wrong and feel very sad about it, think of it. the rainbow and the peace that God wants. to put on your heart he has promised to be your friend promised to be his and that's just one of 12 in the dove book series now i only have number 9 though i think my favorite would be number 8 just because of the title jesus and the cripples thanks Regards Oh I read the whole book to Carl and he believed it all why wouldn't it be written? boat though they did that's true I said but they're all part of the food chain they literally would have had to eat each other to survive why didn't the lion eat the antelope why didn't the spider ate the fly and Carl? he said because in a crisis you all come together amazing i would love to make a book of your quotes i love quote books i love to read them for pleasure i have a few of these compilations and then one of my heroes is winston churchill and when i read it give us the tools and we'll finish the job I thought inspiring and when I ever read in the field of human conflict so many owed so much to so few I thought how patriotic and when I read it it's good for an uneducated man to read dating books I thought cheeky fat people .
I'm always told Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that ever lived let's take a look at the evidence okay here's one of his women they all become like their mothers that's their tragedy no man does that's his, that sounds a little gay to me. don't give me just another one boys another i couldn't help it i can resist everything except temptation it sounds gay too i don't want to end up with i can resist everything except temptation chants to be a good thing you know me and when he went through customs in new york ago so many years and the customs officer who was doing his job said: do you have something to declare?
Oscar Wilde said nothing, but my genius was not clever. I bet he planned that the first time I went through customs in the foreign country it was all yes sir no sir and I left I declare no thank you wow oh I'll buy some brilliantly designed ones. I'm always doing that, sorry. I come back to it now oh yeah it's waiting weeks on those days on the ship to England just think the right thing they say that again and then say nothing which would make the genius in a book rotation happy to get him back there weeks later he finds the same thing. the guy walks up to him blowing his own ego he didn't even ask me that time sorry i didn't ask more random random right back on the boat three weeks later he's fine and then he gets there right now he finds the same guy this time he starting to look slick so pick ed out there he goes yeah right you bought something that's not the question save you and let declare ok you have something to declare nothing but my genius who is the butt plugs are mine imprisoned in red in jail for Homosexuality we've come a long way from being punishable to full equality as it should be, of course, and England measures consent the same as heterosexuality now 16 and even gay marriage, although ironically the only place that was really ahead of the game it fell a bit behind in the last elections.
California had a referendum they put it to a vote and they voted no to gay marriage I mean in California there are people who go that's why we moved here I mean it's a weird kind of intolerance that you can affect the lifestyle of someone else who doesn't ago I will not affect you again. It's not like they ever asked a guy once to say sorry, do you mind if these two men get married? of bigotry because these people who object that were presumably the same people who said they know homosexuals were immoral and from isku us but now they don't have to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God and it must be so confusing for a gay guy in California thinking that's the part they don't like with everyone else we do is the marriage part let him lose so they confuse they should go to the judges and go so he can under
standthe rules correctly what you want to know I just didn't know what we could and could not do.
To ask. Can I marry a man? No, can I give you a little scope? Please, I can't marry him, but can I pick up a stranger in the bushes? and take him home and jism him and kick him out in the morning all crusty and homeless Could I marry him no and no and don't ask again Can I line up 15 men I'm just kidding here Can I line up 15 men and just jerk him off for a laugh if you want, yes, yes, it will be difficult, wouldn't it be to jerk off with 15 men at the same time? e spinning with him not because you know you couldn't two at once so you'd have these two ready to pop but then they'd get lost in your clothes any macarons jerking off 15 minute wine and sipping never thought I'd say oh again oh, there are these people who say that being gay is not natural, well it is natural and I have a book to prove it.
Homosexuality occurs with the same incidence in the animal kingdom as in human society. this is a real book it's called Biological Exuberance Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity by Bruce fucking mill ok the evidence is compelling and it seems there are virtually no species that don't have their gay community that doesn't mean like chimpanzees in a particular street. leather caps and starfish kind of stretch it out more really this is a real book and we got the first slide please okay okay this is a real book okay okay absolutely real ok two male Stumptown Macaques in mutual fellatio each other are sh as they share erode next slide ok one male squirrel monkey is doing a general display towards another male huh he's just saying what do you think of that and this one is saying what the fuck?, okay, it's small and why because we are gay.
I'm not look at the way he's holding it and has his leg up for an extra purchase, come in there look at him, can you imagine my face when I discovered this book? I don't know what's in it for either one of us, unless the top one is wearing a strap-on, one more, one more slip, oh this is great, okay, two forms of copulation between male dolphins, genital opening or anal penetration above and below blowhole penetration oh yeah oh yeah basically he's him in the head he's in the head he's him in the head laser never seen that in any wildlife documentaries never seen that before why they're doing that maybe it's not in the wild maybe it's at seaworld which is like their prison and they're going to go good they went two miles like some people think we're fish we might as well do that okay i mean , look at his face, go Dave, what could we could? we don't do it up the ass like them no it's in the head or nothing Dave what Dave Dave I love you but I can't breathe that's a real book that's a real book could we have that appearance?
I love the fact that you found like a turkey and rag2 to show how gay animals could be the gayest animals in the world, oh yeah I hope I didn't offend anyone with either topic, now yes that's not the point . offend if I've offended someone and I'm sure I did I'm not apologizing I don't think you should be able to justify everything you do and I just think a comedian should take you to the place of boobs you haven't been before, otherwise you could do it yourself there's enough nondescript comedy just doing things obvious things you know don't make you know any difference at all and there's this spite of the comedian saying sorry when they go too far I just think you know you should go oh sorry i didn't mean well you should know better then there's also a witch hunt going on right now with people saying oh is there something you shouldn't make a joke about? no there is nothing you shouldn't joke about it depends what the joke is about a good place or a bad place and you decide what that is and I think there is a big debate about bad jokes about Peter Kameena making bad jokes now the topic of bad jokes when we tell a bad joke it is with the express under
standing that neither party is really like that.
I wouldn't tell a bad joke to a known pedophile. I would not go, yes, friend. You are going to love this more than anyone. in my professional career because i refused to apologize what c and they do to you you know growing up you know you try to try things and they take you the wrong way kinda not like the dolphin i mean you know when i was around 23 24 me my girlfriend met this other couple they moved from the north of england to london. I used to come over to play so I used to work and we'd have a couple of drinks or they were great fun people and then we ran into each other a couple of times. they invited us to a cake at their house and we went to a dinner that they haven't told us about but - it was for their family who had come from the north to see how they were doing and they were both their parents, grandparents and great uncles, with an average age of 85, true, and I think thatwe were an afterthought. them so he just talked to them all night we don't really mix with the older people an and then like I say we use comedy like a sword shield and medicine but usually as they get to know you , okay, we use comedy to break the ice.
I've always pushed the envelope a bit to try and get my people to laugh at things I didn't think they could, but you know it all works out I guess, and I started lightly. I told this joke, why? the girl fell off the swing because she had no arms yeah honey and they laughed a little louder than that there were only two of them so thanks no so i thought ok they get it they like it so you up the ante kinda don't push and i told this joke oh i need a drink start the car seriously ok i told this joke i made sure the old people couldn't hear i went well father sitting at home reading the paper his little girl comes running she is only six hi honey hello daddy have you been playing yes in the park yes ah with your friends well until the man came until the man came yes the man came and asked my friends to leave so it's just him and me darling come no matter what none of it was your fault it's ok darling none of it was your fault but tell daddy every detail what happened um took me behind a tree so i couldn't see what you were doing honey there what happened um he took my dress off oh god what happened next gun um took his thing out oh god honey and then what happened nothing that was it we'll make something up don't tell anyone i wanted to be a surprise like that that I told that joke I continued to get a little drunk telling gossip tes uh we eventually sat down for food around a quarter to 10 they put two tables together and the hosts at each end and they put me in the middle facing this very sweet but very deaf eighty year old man so the conversation was a bit forced and after about 20 minutes Ian one of the hosts chimes in and says a Ya tell him that joke that the whole thing went away we all love jokes right?
I looked at Union will not be fine. I turned out fine and you continue this conversation and everyone is like that. I was, oh father, sitting at home reading. a little girl's face comes running told the whole joke went to the end let's make something up they were silent I look into the ear anyway that no thank you very much you have been fantastic and I thank you very much thank you very much thank you very much fantastic thank you very much I love it Chicago isn't brilliant it's not amazing just the best time thank you so much thank you I'd say I'd risk going back through the clouds of volcanic ash anything to go is is the Fanta terrorist attack.
In fact I've always been a nervous flyer to be honest and I flew a few weeks after 9/11 and after 9/11 the world went a bit crazy you know it's understandable that the rules change and there was a lot of anger and fear and confusion and finger pointing and then I would always consider myself to be a rational liberal guy and try to stay that way after 9/11 and even in the pub with friends as you know I'd be the one to say no you can't say that now that's a generalization that's ridiculous no that's unfair you can't tie with the same brush no it's still the safest form of transportation it's 16 million to 1 the chance that she, you know, try if i'm rational, that's in a pub when i'm flying, it's more like checking it again can we check it again?
He's getting into this, but do you mind if I check on him? Can I? I can only and after 9/11 with all the controls, I still tried to remain a bit philosophically rational. I was thinking ok it's it's now it's harder than ever to put a bomb on the plane this is you know it's the time restrictions it's safe for now and then I found out a terrorist doesn't even get on the plane now with the bomb they found heat- looking for missiles and they could park in some kind of rest area and get the plane out within t the first 10 minutes of takeoff so now I'd be in the plane going right we're out of range who's got the right bomb and as i saw i flew a couple weeks after 9/11 a domestic flight and we're up in the air i did the right thing we're out of range ok huh i lost a nerve limit and i told the stewardess i said do you have some magazine think about this she said quite loudly quite distracted she said no Honey, we don't have any magazines.
We had to make severe cuts because we are one of the companies sued for 9/11. One does not mention 9/11. you're handing out the coffee you just know i mean it don't say severe cuts severe cuts if someone says i don't think of magazines anymore i think of a guy an airplane hangar earlier that week do we really need all these rivets it's just what a way so terrible to be bedside i mean i take first class flights everywhere i know you would have no other way i would do it for you really some of the flights i take cost ten thousand pounds well and for ten thousand pounds in a disaster i hope the front end of my plane i'm in breaks off smoothly and i float to a deserted island isn't that so it's Dover the best losers that's not fair is it?
I know they tried to save me but they couldn't eat we will only be on the news probably only one gets name verified on the news. others but I was his comfort but anyway ok once I was flying back from New York ok 925 on a Saturday night JFK to London Heathrow I know a first class ok now this is My point, it's fear that threatens rational thought, I think that's okay. I'm there now the whole week leading up to that flight, so if you remember, it always happened more than once, oh, I don't know, a couple of years ago, on every news channel in America, there was a rolling ticker that said America on red alert we've had Intel, there's going to be another 9/11 in a major sea, probably New York or Los Angeles, okay? don't fly this weekend unless you absolutely have to, i had to, i was filming and therefore i'm the only one in the first class lounge. for a terrorist today they leave it until Monday ok and then what happened which threatened my rational thinking I have a little little meltdown in the first class lounge about 30 minutes before boarding this guy I don't know from North Africa came in either , from the middle east or asia, but you had all the equipment good, beard, handle the tosh.o, case, okay, and here is your liberal middle class guy. time they're leaving, yeah, how's the weather in London? like they're going to go, it's a little cloudy, but it didn't happen right, so I just stand there and I'm looking at it and I'm thinking about the whole race. until that and the week or the news nothing but now there's a fight between good and evil, between the rational and the irrational, okay, he says, oh, that's a suicide bomber, oh, very stupid, of course , it's not, how did you know that's what it looks like? phone call and i couldn't understand what he was saying he sounded a bit angry ok this is all we made a phone call this is what no you just made a phone call yes but not abroad right It has been reviewed like the rest. of us have been checked Did they check the beard?
Yes, they checked the beard, yes, and then I'm looking at it. He must be distracted with all this going on in my head and he catches me looking at him and he does this because all of us. he knows, he tastes good, this one says no, he knows why you're looking at me, Zed, that's all prejudice for months, stop looking at him. Yeah, sure, but this one starts to win. no it could be what yes it could be probably not w We know the stats are up to date yes but it still won't happen don't say it won't happen to us the people on 9/11 said it wouldn't happen to they, yes, but all the tests, yes, where they find new ways. to get past our detection then we have to get back up yeah you're right and all of a sudden I thought oh my gosh this is this this is it and that wave of nausea and all of a sudden you realize oh my gosh I'm witnessing this, this is good. okay let's report it this one says no why in case someone thinks we're racist no let's report it and be a live embarrassed racist just in case and I don't know so I don't know and now I think he's as soon as Obama and I think I'm going to get on the plane and die but I'm not going to do anything about it and I'm about to cry and this all happens in a few moments and I look up and he's with his wife who he has all the equipment and it's two little girls, okay, and all of a sudden I say, of course, he's not a suicide bomber if you're going to see 72 virgins, you don't.
He wouldn't take the wife and kids so I got on the plane and of course he wasn't a terrorist now I was a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of that and it didn't relieve me at all and then he was a businessman and a family man was playing with his two little daughters i kept running around and banging my chair he wasn't doing anything about it at all it's okay nothing about it at all it's okay and i was chasing him and i was squealing i really did been going on after half an hour i was hoping someone would blow up the plane two hours but something really weird happened during that period i got so paranoid about the terrorist attack i started taking private planes and helicopters everywhere just because i was so rich no, no, again, my philosophy was that I'm the only person on this plane and I definitely don't have a bomb, so we're good, you know, and one day I was taking a helicopter and I was waiting. at the heliport it's ok rewind two days before that I'm home I've got material materials and there's a carton of milk there with the missing person's stuff in the back and I've seen thousands of them okay this was a bit different because he was a missing child which is always sadder well no it's sad when someone goes missing but presumably because of his age this was a kidnapping and you know and it was also the language it was a plea from the mother and it was the wording she just said the name of the girl i won't say i remember it is um and the day and the place where she was last seen and she just said five years old blond hair blue eyes always happy please help me and she must have stayed with me two days later I'm there like a dock development wagon waiting for this Helicopter and I'm looking down at some kind of disused space so a warehouse and I look to the right and someone had put a brown blanket with n this duct tape it's fine as a curtain and it had fallen down and i can see in this it's a true story it's an empty room apart i'm a mattress and on the mattress is a little girl with her hands tied and my heart five years five years blonde hair blonde blue eyes blue eyes always happy crying his eyes what can't be I didn't let him thank you very much you've been amazing good night Chicago Greetings thank you Greetings thank you very much thank you thank you there is a you know everyone thank you
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