Ricky Gervais at the 68th Golden Globe Awards - 2011

and now your host for the evening ladies and gentlemen Ricky Jes thank you hello and hello welcome to the

68th

Annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. It will be a night of partying and excessive drinking or as Charlie Sheen calls it. it was breakfast wow wo so let's get this straight what he did was uh he picked up a porn star um he paid her to have dinner with him he introduced her to his ex wife how do you do it uh uh went to a hotel uh got drunk naked trashed the place while I was on a quilt and uh, that was a Monday, what did he do?

Anyway, on New Year's Eve, the Golden Globes welcome is a celebration of the best of television and movies from the past year, voted on by Hollywood's foreign press. Association, it was a great year for 3D movies Toy Story, Despicable Me Tron it seems like everything this year was three dimensional except for the characters from The Tourist um I feel bad about that joke no I'll tell you why I'm jumping on it they go to the car because I haven't even seen the tourist that has um but no he must be good because he's nominated so shut up okay and I would like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason why the tourist was nominated was for Hollywood.

The foreign press could come out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, that's nonsense, that's not the only reason they took bribes too. No, all that happened was that some of them were taken to see Shar in concert, how the hell is that a bribe really? Do you want to go see Sher? No, why not? Because it's not 1975. There are a lot of important movies that weren't nominated this year. Nothing for Sex in the City either. um no, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go. to the team that retouched that poster um well, good job girls, we know how old you are.

I saw one of you on an episode of Bonanza that isn't nominated either. I love you Philip Morris um Jim Jim KY and Y McGregor, two straight actors pretending to be gay. So, the complete opposite of some famous Scientologist, so my lawyers probably helped me with the wording of that joke. They are not here. Okay, there have been great new TV dramas this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, so, yeah, talking about The Walking. Congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married at the age of 84 to the beautiful 24-year-old Crystal Harris. When they asked her why she married him, she said because she lied about his age, she told me she was 94.

Oh, come on. Don't worry, wait and just don't look at it when you touch it. I warned you. One of the biggest events on television this year was the finale of I Lost One of My Favorites and all the questions were answered. Yeah, I have to say that even though it was a pretty complicated ending, I'm not sure I fully understood everything, but from what I can understand, I'm pretty sure the fat guy was the fattest guy in all of them. I think we should move on. our first host is beautiful, talented and Jewish, apparently Mal Gibson told me he's obsessed. um please welcome Scarlet Johansson as Pac-Man okay you know our next movie host as Hudson Hawk.

Look who's talking. Mercury ascending. The color of the night. Fifth Element. War of the heart, please. welcome Ashton Kutcher's father, Bruce Willis, next step Eva Longoria has the difficult task of convincing the president of Hollywood Foreign Press that's nothing, I just had to help him out of the bathroom and stick his teeth in um it was messy, please welcome Eva Longoria that's my favorite movie of the year um the creator of Facebook of course Mark Zuckerberg is supposedly worth $7 billion Heather Mills calls The One That Got Away um the ne the next two hosts are funny charming and with down to earth he is Alec from The Rock she is just Jenny from the Block, if the blocking question is that on Rodeo Drive between kti and Prada, please welcome Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez, okay, I love the next host, he's so cool, he's the star of Iron Man, two girls and a guy, Wonder Boys, sorry, this porn. movies what Kiss Kiss Bang Bang arches his finger really yeah, up, the Academy, come on, he's made all those movies, but many of you in this room probably know him best from facilities like the Betty Ford Clinic and the County Jail The Angels.

Please welcome Robert Downey Jr. Well, the next host is a true Hollywood icon in 10 of the biggest blockbusters of all time. He has demonstrated the extraordinary acting versatility of him. He has played a boxer and Rambo. Welcome from Sylvester Stallone. Our next hosts are two of the funniest people in America. She stole. Saturday Night Live show later created, wrote and started his own show 30 Rock. He was a Jobing actor. The race wasn't going so well if I'm totally honest, who had the big chance on him when I cast him in a remake of. a show I created called the office is now leaving that show and killing a source of income for both of us please welcome the wonderful Tina Fay and The Ungrateful Steve Carell welcome back now our next hosts are young and thin, with hair and teeth.

It's lovely to watch, which is all the better because they're presenting the award for best foreign language film, a category no one in America cares about. Please welcome Olivia Wild and Robert Battinson. Okay, what can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose films have grossed more than three and a half billion dollars at the box office. He has won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for powerful and varied performances in films such as Philadelphia Forest Gump, Cast Away Apollo 13 and Saving. Private Ryan, the other is Tim Allen.

Hello and welcome back. The next presenter is a National Treasure. Miss Congeniality herself, this down-to-Earth girl-next-door, first stole our hearts as a bus driver and then as a railway fair collector. Now, of course, she wouldn't be. seen dead on public transport because, as you just told me backstage, poor people are disgusting and smell bad, please welcome Sandra Bulock, thank you very much, that's all, well done, justice, thank you everyone in the room for being good sports, thank you NBC, thank you. to Hollywood Foreign Press um, thank you for watching at home and thank God for making me an atheist, thank you