Ricky Gervais And Stephen Disagree On 'Lord Of The Rings'

Stephen: HELLO, WELCOME EVERYONE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FRIENDS, MEET MY FIRST GUEST FROM "THE OFFICE REQUEST AND "EXTRAS" AND NOW ON HIS FIRST STANDUP TOUR IN SEVEN YEARS, PLEASE WELCOME RICKY GERVAIS. (APPLAUSE) ♪ Stephen: SO MUCH TO SEE YOU. WHAT A LOVELY AUDIENCE. Stephen: WONDERFUL PEOPLE. IT SEEMS STRANGE TO MISS IT. Stephen: WE COULD SIT HERE AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND YOU COULD PROJECT TO US THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE AN INTERESTING KFERTIONZ. THEY'RE LOVELY. Stephen: We had a very interesting conversation the last time you were here. We had a conversation. Stephen: WE DEBATE ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF GOD.

FUCK YOU. AND WHERE IT TOOK US. NOWHERE. So what is it? the point? Stephen: Well, in the end I guess it's hell. NO, YOU'LL BE OKAY. I'M GOING TO HELL BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IN HIM. Stephen: I'M GOING TO HELL BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN HIM. ONLY BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN HELL DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T GO, YOU PROBABLY WILL BECAUSE I'M A SINNER. YES, WE ARE ALL SINNERS, AREN'T WE? ACCORDING TO YOUR LUCK. Stephen: RIGHT, RIGHT AND WE ARE ONLY SAVED BY THE GRACE OF GOD. SURE. Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW, WE DON'T DESERVE IT, WE DON'T DESERVE IT, RICKY.

AND WHAT... WELL, I'M NOT GUARANTEED TO GO TO HEAVEN. ONLY ONE PERSON IS GUARANTEED ENTRANCE TO HEAVEN. WHO IS THAT. Stephen: THE GOOD THIEF WHO WAS HANGING NEXT TO KLEIST WHO SAID THIS VERY DAY YOU WILL BE WITH ME IN PARADISE. THAT'S WHAT HE SAID, KLEIST, BOOM, TBAIF HIM A STAMP, VALIDATED HIS PARKING RIGHT THERE. BUT KLEIST WAS NOT GOD IN A DIFFERENT WAY. Stephen: BOTH GOD AND MAN, YES. BUT HE, GOD WAS JESUS, WASN'T HE? Stephen: THREE PEOPLE IN ONE GOD, YES. RIGHT. Stephen: THE BED ROCK OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION. THEN HE-- THEN HE KNEW HE WAS SENT HIMSELF TO EARTH TO DIE FOR OUR SINS AND THEN GO TO HEAVEN.

Stephen: YES, BECAUSE YOU SEE ALL THE TIME AT ONCE. IT SOUNDS A LITTLE STRANGE TO ME. (LAUGHTER). Stephen: I COMPLETELY AGREE. I COMPLETELY AGREE, YES. RELIGION IS THE CRAZY STORY THAT IT'S OKAY TO BELIEVE IN, YOU KNOW? IT'S OKAY TO BELIEVE MY RELIGIOUS STORY. EVERYONE ELSE'S RELIGIOUS HISTORY IS A CULT. (LAUGHTER) YES. Esteban: YES. EXACTLY. YOUR GOD IS REAL, ALL THE OTHER GODS ARE NONSENSE, BUT YOURS IS NOT. Esteban: THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHY MY GOD IS GREATER THAN ANY OTHER GOD. EXACTLY, YES. Stephen: YOU'RE NOW ON A WORLD COMEDY TOUR. I AM, REALLY. Stephen: WHERE IN THE WORLD.

YOU WOULD NOT THINK IT. Stephen: PART OF THE WORLD, WE ARE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. WHAT MAKES THE WORLD FOR RICKY GERVAIS, WHEN YOU SAY THE WORLD TOUR, IN AMERICA WE HAVE THE WORLD SERIES BUT IT'S ONLY US. EXACTLY. AND THE SAME FROM MR. THE UNIVERSE ALWAYS COMES FROM THE EARTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT I WANT. Esteban: YES. IT IS A SOLUTION. IT IS A SOLUTION. Esteban: YES. HE EVEN PUT IN THE TOWN BEFORE THE TICKETS WENT ON SALE, RICKY GERVAIS LIVES SEEING A TOWN NEAR YOU IF A TOWN NEAR YOU HAD ANARENA AND A FIVE STAR HOT WELL A HELIPAD.

Stephen: SO NO-- YOU SUFFER IT. I STAY IN HOSTILES AND RIDDICK DOES IT-- I DO IT, YES, BECAUSE I LIVE IN A CAVE IN IRAQ. WHY WOULD I DO THAT. Stephen: THERE'S SOMETHING BETWEEN THOSE TWO. YES, NORMAL PEOPLE, EVERYONE ELSE. Esteban: CLEVELAND. YES, NO, I WANT IT. I MAKE IT VERY EASY FOR ME. I HAVE TWO OR THREE DAYS AND FOUR DAYS OFF, SO YES, MY WORLD TOUR IS TAKING ME A YEAR FOR ALL THE FREE DAYS IN THE BETWEEN, YES. Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T DONE THE STANDUP TOUR IN SEVEN YEARS, SORT OF. SEVEN YEARS IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE GOLDEN GLOBS, WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T.

Stephen: I HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT IN A MINUTE, WE'LL GET BACK TO THAT. WELL, SURE. Stephen: SO WHY RETURN TO THAT AFTER SEVEN YEARS? YOU KNOW WHAT? I ALWAYS THOUGHT STANDUP WAS THE FIRST THING I DID, AS A WRITER, DIRECTOR OR ACTOR. AND IT WAS ALWAYS REJECTED. I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS. BUT NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME I THINK IT'S THE FAVORITE THING I DO. IT IS A PRIVILEGE THAT PEOPLE COME TO SEE YOU. YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT. THERE ARE NO RESTRICTIONS, IT'S JUST YOUR OWN MORALITY AND 10,000 STRARYNGS IS A TRUE PRIVILEGE. And I think I'm finally a good defender.

AND THAT SOUNDS STRANGE AND EVERYONE WHO CAME TO SEE ME BEFORE THERE WILL NOT GET THEIR MONEY. BUT I'M SAYING IT NOW, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT IS? I THINK IT'S SEVEN YEARS TO GO AND I MISS IT. AND I HAVE ALSO REACHED THE AGE, BECAUSE I AM OLD, I HAVE OLD RIGHTS AND I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT. AND I AM NOT A MANIAC. I'M NOT GOING TO OFFEND, THAT'S VERY EASY. BUT IT JUST, JUST HAPPENS. Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING THAT OFFENDS YOU? EVERYTHING OFFENDS ME. HONESTLY, NOISY FOOD PEOPLE, EATING THE LAKE THAT.

OH GOD, LATENESS, PEOPLE WHO ARE LATE, I CAN'T STAND IT. I ALWAYS ARRIVE EARLY. Stephen: YOU'RE REALLY PUNK. I'M EARLY, SO IF THEY'RE A LITTLE LATE, THEY'RE TWICE LATE THAN I THINK AND I'M FURIOUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE WILL BE LATE TO MEET ME. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? IT'S CRAZY. IT'S... DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? FLAT PLANS. Esteban: WHISTLED. WHISTLES, WHEN PEOPLE WHISTLE VERY LOUD, AND LOCKER ROOMS, PEOPLE WHISTLE--BASICALLY THEY ARE-- . Stephen: LIKE A COSTUME. A MAN WALKING NAKED WHISTLING IT'S BAIFLT WHY I'M LOOKING AT YOU THAT'S ALL-- IT'S JUST-- AND SMELLING, OH, THIS IS THE WORST NOISE IN THE WORLD.

Stephen: SMELLING IN THE LOCKING ROOM. NO, NO, NO. (LAUGHTER). Esteban: I DIDN'T KNOW. YES, I KNOW. Stephen: HE PUT THOSE TWO IDEAS TOGETHER IN MY BRAIN. WHY-- WHY ARE YOU SMELLING? Stephen: AND THEN HE LEAVES. I KNOW, NO, PEOPLE WHO DO THIS. OH, PIG. I HATE IT. SO EVERYTHING OFFENDS ME. YEAH. Stephen: CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? THIS IS PART OF THE WORLD TOUR, WHAT IS THIS? YES, I WAS... THAT'S ME IN A BATHROOM IN MY HOTEL IN ICELAND, RJEVIK IS MY FAVORITE PLACE ON THE TOUR SO FAR, I HAVEN'T PLAYED IN NEW YORK YET, I'M PLAYING THIS WEEKEND.

Stephen: ARE TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE? NO, I'M PUTTING ON-- NO, THIS IS SOLD OUT, MADISON SQUARE GARDEN BUT I'M PUTTING ANOTHER MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON SALE TOMORROW, FRIDAY, 10 A.M. THANKS FOR ASKING. Stephen: SO THE PICTURE. THIS IS ME AND I'M TRYING TO TAKE A BATHROOM PHOTO WHERE THE WORLD IS. He goes to a novelty store and buys it, and I'm done. LOOK AT THAT, THOSE ARE REAL BREASTS TOO, THERE ARE NO... THOSE ARE REAL PUPPIES DOWN THERE. Stephen: THE TITLE SAYS AFTER ONLY ONE DAY IN ICELAND. YES, EXACTLY. Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN ICELAND? I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO.

IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL, IT'S GREAT, THE GEOGRAPHY, THE PEOPLE ARE GREAT. Stephen: WHAT MAKES THEM LAUGH, WHAT MAKES THEM. ME. Stephen: ENGLISH, THEY SPEAK ENOUGH ENGLISH. THEY SPEAK BETTER ENGLISH THAN US, HONESTLY, ALL OF SCANDINAVIA, THERE IS NO LANGUAGE BARRIER. MOST OF EUROPE SPEAKS FANTASTIC ENGLISH. Stephen: BELIEVE IN THE ELVES IN ICELAND. THEY REALLY DON'T DO IT. Stephen: THEY DO. NO, THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVE, MOST ICELANDERS ACTUALLY BELIEVE... NO, AS ADULTS, THEY WILL BUILD ROADS. WHAT TO DISTURB THE ELF'S HOUSE, THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GO TO ICELAND BECAUSE I AM A HUGE TOLL KEEN FAN AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT A JRR TOLL KEEN FAN.

AND WHY AREN'T YOU... TOLKIEN, BECAUSE WHY AREN'T YOU? YOU HAVE THE... YOU COULD BE A HOBBIT. YOU HAVE THE LOOK. THERE IS ONE WITH SPIRUS SEE. Stephen: NO, IT JUST LOOKS NATURAL. I HAVE HOBBIT FEET. Stephen: YES, YOU DON'T LIKE TOLKIEN. AND HUGE TESTICLES THAT EVERY HOBBIT HAS. Esteban: THAT'S TRUE. JUST NEVER IN HIS FILM, EITHER, HUGE TESTICLES. Stephen: THEY WOULD HAVE LOST THEIR RATING, THEY WOULD HAVE LOST THEIR RATING. THERE IS AN UNCUT VERSION, WHICH IS IN THE DIRECTOR'S CUT. WHY YOU DON'T LIKE TOLKIEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. BECAUSE IT'S DUMB. Stephen: IT'S FANTASY, WHAT DID YOU WANT, WHAT'S WRONG WITH NONSENSE?

GOOD. Stephen: DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE TRUE FOR YOU? WELL, I'M CATHOLIC. Esteban: WELCOME. WELCOME ABOARD. Stephen: SO I WON THE DEBATE. IF NONSENSE IS RIGHT, I'M IN. Stephen: GOOD, GOOD. AND CAN I DRINK AS MUCH RED WINE AS I WANT? Stephen: RIGHT, BECAUSE IT'S NO LONGER WINE. IT'S NO LONGER WINE. I AM ABSOLUTELY DISCONNECTED FROM THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE). Stephen: TALKING... TALKING, TALKING ABOUT BEING OUT OF YOURSELF, LET'S GO BACK TO THE GOLDEN BALLOONS FOR A SECOND. YOU HAVE STAYED IT A FEW TIMES. YES. Stephen: AND I'M THE HOST, YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB.

I'll be hosting the Emmys in the fall. CAN YOU GIVE ME ANY ADVICE-- (APPLAUSE) OTHER THAN, OTHER THAN GETTING ANGRY, WIN THE ROOM OR SHOULD YOU DO THAT, IS THAT A GOOD THING TO DO? I'M NOT TRYING TO, BUT AGAIN, I THINK WHEN YOU DO THOSE THINGS, WITH THE GOLDEN GLOBS I HAVE A CHOICE AS A COMEDIAN, DO I ACCOMMODATE 200 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM OR THE 200 MILLION PEOPLE WATCHING AROUND THE WORLD? . AND THERE IS NO COMPETITION, YOU KNOW. I PLAY IT FOR THE PUBLIC AT HOME. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT WINNING PRIZES. I'm the fat guy at home on the couch, you know what I mean?

So in a way... I'm not... I'm not that unpleasant. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE EMMY VOTE IS THEN BECAUSE I'M UP FOR EMMY CONSIDERATION FOR LIFE ON THE ROAD, BEST TV MOVIE AND BEST TELEVISION? Stephen: ARE YOU A VOTER? I DON'T THINK THEY'RE ASKING ME TO VOTE. Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER WON AN EMMY? YES. Stephen: SO, ARE YOU AUTOMATICALLY UP TO VOTE? I HAVE WON TWO BUT LOST 21. Stephen: OH, WOW. THAT'S TERRIBLE-- . Stephen: THAT'S PRETTY BAD. THAT'S A TERRIBLE BATTING AVERAGE. Stephen: YES, WOW. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALENTED, I DIDN'T KNOW. YES, I KNOW, I KNOW, I THINK IT'S A BIG JOKE.

THEY ARE LIKE YOU COME TO L.A. YOU'RE GOING TO WIN, AND ME? NOU. Stephen: LOUIS C.K. I THINK FUNNY-- . Stephen: YOU CAN DRINK AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES. THAT'S THE THING. IT'S PROBABLY BETTER TO BE AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES THAN THE HOST BECAUSE YOU GET DRUNK AND YOU DON'T CARE. WHILE THE EMMYS ARE ALL SITTING THERE AND BUT THEY'RE SOBER, SO IT'S GOOD TO PERFORM ON BUT... WHEN I'M UP FOR THE EMMYS, WHICH IS EVERY YEAR, I DON'T WIN THEM. BUT THEY SAY YOU WANT TO GIVE ONE. AND I ALWAYS SAY YES BECAUSE I KNOW THERE WILL BE A BREAK AND I WILL GO BACKSTAGE AND HAVE A BEER.

Her because IT'S THREE HOURS WITHOUT ANY MEAT LOOKING AT IT. So basically, blood of Christ, that's all I'm saying. Stephen: DONE, PEACE TO YOU. RICKY IN NEW YORK AND L.A., TICKETS GO ON SALE TOMORROW. RICKY GERVAIS, EVERYONE.