Private Eye - The Year in Review 2019

Here we go, good evening, thank you very much for coming. I know there's not much going on right now. You have very little to do. There is a big elephant in the room. Obviously, it's a great day. A friend. "Mine went to bed early. He got up Boris said he had a huge majority. She thought he's lying, so it's been a pretty good day. This won't be a strictly current affairs show. We'll be bringing the annual to the stage, so". We're looking back on the

year

and then we'll start with Private Eye. We have a kind of forum for our own questions.

The Prime Minister doesn't really like answering questions from anyone, but we have a very specific column and we have asked him. The biggest question facing him today is what exactly the Prime Minister's relationship with entrepreneurial tech guru and pole dancer Jennifer, our curry, I guess, look, I've made it a policy not to answer questions about my

private

life. Heck, even when it's not about my

private

life, it's about me giving people money for our services provided, not that any service of that nature has been provided digitally or is smart, in this case it was about show me how to find an access point and how to turn my device on and off, well, mostly on and that's it, my regular afternoon visits to his apartment were about simple matters like a floppy disk or a hard drive.

Wow, perfectly normal mayor sex, I mean business, that's not what it's about, no, it was perfectly innocent. I offered it to him. a commercial missionary position, yes, oh, it seems I'm not tying myself so well, was it someone else, yes, I don't know anything about this, Miss Curie says I said I don't like women anymore, except the Queen, obviously, thanks Louis, now it is. It's been a tough

year

financially for everyone, austerity is obviously over, so this year we've been sponsored by the No Mark Royal Christmas Gift Department and we're sorry we have to run a series of adverts for the luxury gifts you want . to sell you antiperspirant this Christmas, say goodbye to unwanted sweating on the nightclub floor with this amazing pedo links antiperspirant for men, wet palms and wet armpits are a thing of the past for you, if not for your people public relations, perfect for late night club news interviews and awkward hearings with your mother value your work choice of smells stinky fishy with E then wool-free Christmas sweater made from surplus wool with wool excuses as worn by staff of helicopters in the Falklands when serving the Queen and country the wool-free sweater works even under fire extremely thick colors face blue blood goose red price of greed two hundred and fifty thousand pounds per year from the civil list the simple shooting stick perfect for Every single shooting weekend you and your slightly creepy date are going to a dodgy event that may involve money and favors, so don't do it?

Don't forget your simple TN shooting stick when you don't have a leg to stand on, just open it and go, you're having a real good time and no questions asked, well not yet, anyway the price is a simple loan of 15,000 pounds for your wife, warning you to sit down. on the right end to avoid pain in the bottle, Woking Pizza has never had pizza before, isn't sure how to split a circular drug, a sliced ​​snack, and his daughter's friend's party is many miles from the nightclub nearest, then you need the Woking pizza wheel, a complete Woking pizza wheel. that the elegant Li segments as it travels effortlessly across the surface of the tomato and mozzarella priced at £30 million or the nearest Verbier if a warning wheel may fall off the pizza wheel everything must go, including Prince Andrew , hurry up, hurry up, while the monarchy lasts, no thanks, it's the first time I've used accessories, I think it's been a great success, very brilliant, now it was a great year for the royal family, but it wasn't a great year for the former prime minister and, looking back, I have to record privately, I had the final resignation.

Letter from Theresa May It is with great sadness that I accept the resignation of another senior member of my cabinet. I've tried to talk myself out of it, but in the end it's a matter of principle. I would like to thank myself for my selfless and unwavering dedication to the country and for sticking with me through the good times for the first five minutes and the bad times for the rest. I would also like to congratulate myself on the countless achievements of my mandate, perhaps I should list them. No, there are too many missing. and oh, we just don't have enough time to say that I am proud of my record as the second Prime Minister, not the first nor the last and possibly not even the best, but certainly among the first two as I write this I can't stop remembering the wise words from my husband Philip a minute ago, who said: honey, I think you should rest and start packing, but I wanted to pay tribute to the wonderful disloyal colleagues with whom I have been so lucky not to see eye to eye.

Can I start with mr. Johnson, can I quote my wise husband Phil again, come on darling, those smart pants don't pack themselves, so I will resist the temptation to call Boris a disgusting, untrustworthy, immoral, selfish, rather than an ambitious and selfish two-faced Judas. Philip just said honey, that really is. Enough if you don't stop writing I'll have to throw this letter in the trash and take it out Yes, this is an emotional moment for you. I have no doubt that many of you have tears in your eyes, but this is not the time. for the grudge, that will be next week when my job will be taken over by the biggest grudge, a private detective, we publish a popular column of real questions that real people have given on quiz shows, it's called Dumb Britain and these are all answers genuine that the contestants gave shows like chase, tipping point brain, useless and many more, for tonight's purposes our quiz master will be Bradley Walsh and all of these are genuine, who rode horses naked through the streets of Coventry, the Queen's region canal is a branch of whose canal the Suez Canal the idea of ​​the URI gang encourages people to eat a vegan diet in which month October 1649 which English war resulted in the beheading of the king Charles the first world war in which European country was Deutsche Bank founded France, the companion of which the bird in the Scottish soup is traditionally included cock-a-leekie lamb hammer tinky winky dipsy laa-laa and po known collectively as the Marx brothers , who was the first man in space Lance Armstrong named an American darling that begins with C camel in a companion who killed Desdemona mag Beth, who designed St.

Paul's Cathedral in London. Paul on life on Mars David Barry wonders if there was life on what stupid planet here Harvey was the first leader of what British political party United Kingdom which Italian composed the music for eight of Sergio Leone's films Vivaldi what two-word place name is it The location of the Ministry of Defence's military scientific research station, Strawberry Fields, Emma Hamilton was the lover of naval hero Popeye. Thanks Jamarcus Berkman, who compiles all those numbers. It's not all low-level private detective. We have our own poet EJ Thrym, who is a lyrical nerd. He tends to write to people about people dying and tonight we have a series of his works.

Let's start with his poem about the death of Niki Lauda. This is in memory of Niki Lauda, ​​so goodbye then, Niki Lauda, ​​racing driver, survivor and global ambassador but above all the world's favorite joke who was the strongest 1975 Formula One world champion I said who was the 1975 Formula One world champion the old are the best and in your case that was true thank you very much cherry still up We try to interview people and one of the ways we do it is by publishing a column called Me and my spoon, which is a kind of celebrity interview, a way of getting relatable interviews with people who wouldn't normally give them and we were very lucky, we got Kirsty to walk over to interview Dominic Cummings, the Prime Minister's uninclined, notoriously difficult to talk to adviser. interview and this was the big interview between me and my spoon, Mr.

Cummings, do you have a favorite spoon? Ask below. Are there any spoons that you find help you de-stress after a long day at work? I want a waste of time. Ask someone else, stupid. Is there any type of spoon that you find especially collectible? don't go on just move on what was your first encounter with spoons is not relevant I'm a tough man not a spoon but you asked us for this interview shut up you want to waste my time you want to betray my trust there's the door do you like anything about spoon throwing ? I'll beat you up with a spoon in a second.

Because I'm a nonconformist and I don't care. Has something funny ever happened to you? With a sophisticated guide to British politics. I also tried to cover American politics and if you remember, earlier this year, President Trump went on record and was quite dismissive of the role that the Kurds had played during the recent wars in the Middle East and to back up his argument , presented his own. definitive version of the great battles of history and we are privileged to print that version Normandy World War II the Allied invasion of Western Europe Western Europe was launched on June 6, 1944 and the American forces of the combined battalions Saving Private Ryan stormed on the beaches of France with the help of British and Canadian troops, but without the help of those cowardly losers, the Kurds.

Custer's Last Stand Custer's Last Stand or the Battle of Little Bighorn and June 25, 1876 was a fierce battle between the Northern Lakota Porsches. Cayenne and the trials of Al Pacino and the 7th US Cavalry Regiment, where all the historians blame the custard generals and the cowardly Kurds who did not kill all the fearsome Red Indians or native Armenians as they were known at the time , the Alamo, you know. The Battle of the Alamo in February 1836 was a 13-day siege when Mexican troops were not big under President El Paso, mostly drug dealers and rapists, you know, ran over the American forts of Davy Crockett and John Wayne the infinity war the infinity war of 2017, so half of the Earth's population was wiped out like God as a direct result of the current Kurds refusing to put on lycra and fight alongside Ironman, Captain America and Black Widow .

John Lewis, it's not just Trump, we try to stay up to date with world events. The collapse of the Venezuelan government despite widespread support in Britain caused quite a stir in the media and there was a letter to the Guardian complaining about the Guardian and it was written by Ken Livingstone, former mayor of London and an expert on inter-war Zionism. in Germany, co-signed by about one hundred and thirty-seven other people, but making a genuine and important point about Venezuela and Britain, and The Guardian can get the undersigned to express our utter displeasure at the totally repugnant and completely predictable stance adopted by the so-called Guardian newspaper regarding the completely legitimate and totally innocent Marxist-Leninist Chavis Majoris government of Venezuela, which is being cynically undermined by reactionary trumpets, the neoliberals in the media are like a hated Guardian who acted simply as the young idiots and the right-wing candidates. dogs of the fascist imperialist interventionist military industrial complex led by the hated us, who are totally, absolutely, disgustingly responsible for the entire fabricated Venezuelan crisis that has been orchestrated simply to discredit Jeremy Corbyn, you are sincerely Ken Livingstone John Landsman, they have caused Adolf Hitler ignores this, we don't just reproduce other people's letters, we try to provide a public service on Private Eye and publish a notes and queries column in which the public can ask us what a word or phrase means. has become a common language and this excerpt from the question that bothered our readers is who or what is who we are, who we were, where is a traditional photo of encouragement and the North East of England, as in how or where the lights or no idea they expect us to have. a war in which Lasas Sunderland FC and Nord out Sunderland Ladies FC have adopted this as their official slogan for any southerner who reads it roughly translates to Received Pronunciation as "you'll have a fish when you're a little seasick, you'll have a fish when the sun is near." below that was from the vegan role of Reverend Jordy Gregg writing from Tainan who we are just a thank you another reader disagreed I'm afraid the good reverend left with the fairies in this Huawei is the Pacific island that was the place for the drama long-running television series about American police and surfing huawei five-o, starring Steve McGarrett as a book by him Danno Dyer,Guest stars included young Judi Dench, who played McGarrett's girlfriend and can be seen in the canoe, the third paddler from the left in the tide. sequence featuring Piers Maroney's famous theme song Oney, that's the Honorable Lulu's grass skirt from ala Lulu, but luckily a third reader corrected you, you got this completely wrong.

Huawei pronounced who we are, it is a giant Chinese communication company that produces mobile phones. tech originally got the name from a long time idiot who went like this knock knock who's there why where where the chinese government is posing as a commercial company to spy on hello world the humor has possibly been lost in translation of the original Mandarin but Chinese friends Xiaomi, that's very funny Jack, but that doesn't stop in the presence of any Chinese authority figure or any Huawei and they said it was the artist's. I huar Weiwei, thank you for that time for a little more poetry and this was our furniture again. about John Humphrey's retirement, so these are lines about John Humphries' retirement from Radio Falls, today's show, so bye then, John Humphries, I'm sorry, I'll have to stop you there, we're out of time, if that. was your catchphrase and now we can all say it to you Luis again thank you and now it's time to go Coming back to the royal family, who we don't just cover with ads, we have our own romance novelist Sylvie Krynn, who writes about the trials and tribulations in great part about Prince Charles.

It's called Air of Sorrows and in this episode the royal family gathers for an important weekend at Sandringham Charles wandered through the ornate halls of the great Jacobi from the country house where the sound of voices came to him from behind the oak door of the Canon and the ballroom Charles pressed his royal ear against the old wooden EADS meter and is making an important announcement without me, but there was no time to be horrified, a decision has been made, there comes a time when one has to face the reality of the passage of time and admit that he is simply not as young as he once was, there was an interjection from Prince.

Philip, which sounded a bit like a cough, but it could have been a single word, relax, perhaps it was nautical jargon from the Dukes' time in the Navy as captain of HMS irascible who continued to demonic, what one is saying is that at a certain point you have to stop. one has to sit in the back seat and let a younger person take the controls there was a murmur of agreement from what Charles suddenly realized was the entire Windsor family gathered for this historic announcement first the voice of the Prince William, the most thoughtful, said Jima, the second in line. to the throne his loyal wife, Princess Kate, the middle class absolutely agreed, then came the unmistakable Californian tones of Megan Michael, the Duchess of Sparkle, yes, I think that's just so you know, wise, thoughtful and brilliant, and maybe we should all give Prince Harry Duke a group hug. from Hazard and Meghan's official consort added motifs to the bags, right, I mean, she's a ball at best.

Charles couldn't believe his ears and thought to himself, "That's why they excluded me from the meeting because it's my moment in history, my inheritance, so that's it, it's decided." we will issue a royal decree and the retirement will be official there was a loud crash as Charles burst through the door sending them into Campbell VAR tumbling to the marble floor as he shouted to his bewildered family vivid myself Rick's for your curious Rick's Harrison the third Carolingian the age is about us god save me Elliot's bloody growl Charles's father your father is giving up driving these licenses explained Her Majesty the Queen patiently Grandfather as a goddess stops then added Prince William and a cross before he hits anyone else added the Prince Harry with mischief the royal family Everyone laughed at this outing by Harry, his humor soaked, although Bon Ami reduced him to fits of laughter at the idea of ​​a member of the public being run over by the Duke and Duchess.

Get off my Land Rover. Charles left the room quietly and closed the door. As the cold Norfolk wind whistles down the hall in an all too familiar taunt, we will continue to try to follow the careers of the right actors throughout the year and this year we offer a guide because there are many awards ceremonies and the Oscar ceremony. Again it's very confusing and this is a simple guide to help you spot what nationality and actor it is when they win an Oscar. This is an American winning an Oscar. This year I was given a God-given city that would propel me to greatness.

My entire life I have been built for these moments when I could share my genius with a grateful world. I love you all love me. Look at me on top of the world and this is a British actor winning an Oscar. It's a mistake, it's okay, old China doesn't give us forgiveness, there's no persecution, it must be a mistake, I'm sorry, Reuben custard and ginger, I'm all sorry and now it's time for a contribution from Craig Brown, who writes many daily for us. Unfortunately he will not be here tonight, but he has left us the diary of Jacob Riis MOG and in this diary Jacob describes a traditional English breakfast at his house.

Nana hits my hard-boiled eggs with a teaspoon twice and starts peeling them. Jacob. says Oh, nanny, I respond by examining the financial times, don't break me, so to my mind it's a present filled with the most pressing concerns of Queen and country, she laughs, the nanny lifts her elbows from the table, the teacher Jacob, the babysitter pulls up a chair and takes his knife to the toast. She spreads it with butter and then cuts each slice into beautiful straight lines. There are soldiers, all the teachers, Jacob, and they are lining up to get them wet. She immerses my first soldier in the yoke.

This is a signal for her to open her mouth as wide as she can. Danny says placing it in my mouth, good boy, hmm, I explained, I noticed the chairs at Consolidated are lowered a couple of notches, no cause for immediate concern and in the future, oh good boy, I take my napkin and wipe myself up mouth. Needless to say, a firm believer in self-sufficiency, let's get you dressed, Master Jacob, says it's almost time for you to be behind those jim-jams together, we go up the stairs to my dressing room, nanny says pulling out my jim-jam tops and He lets me take off my panties.

I call you babysitter myself. I obediently lay down on the bed so the babysitter can unbutton my beloved diaper. I lift my legs in the air. This makes it much easier for the babysitter to clean things up properly. Now these ancient traditions go back generations. The heart of the family Rhys MOG laughs Nana I live the latest issue of The Spectator. It's best to keep what ordinary, decent people think in the parts we touch on, and a period of silence for me helps Nana get on with the job at hand. lovely entertainment, this country must learn to grow and stand on its own two feet and it is important to lead by example gentlemen Jacob Riis Maud, we are now halfway through the show and I realize that many of you will not have had the opportunity to Watch your phones, so to help you out, here's what you've been missing in online mail.

Funny moments when the cheeky mouse is crushed by the Garden Roller video. X Factor 2015 winning chat scrubs praised as very realistic for eating a Twix on public transport Pussycat Doll leaves little to the imagination shows off her impressive physique in a stylish bikini as she shows off new yoga moves on Dubai beach shouts out to the tourists 20 cliff dives straight into rocks breaks neck video Carol Vorderman flaunts toned physique as she walks to shops buys half a liter of milk and jar of jam hilarious moment man dressed as Santa falls off ladder and falls to his death breaks a leg in six places video fears grow that form a sex symbol Kim Basinger is now 30 years older and in 1989 she was Maryberry next to her attractive new John Lewis shower curtain viewers see Susanna Reid ordering a second glass of water on Good Morning Britain I felt a little thirsty explained main presenter squirrel drops nut picks it up and drops it again video swimsuit model 24 shows off her curves in tight white sweater while tragically being attended to by a bull fugitive Katy Perry video Nike barsik implants explode sending 34-year-old woman into space horrible moment video 6-year-old bursts into tears upon seeing Queen guitarist Brian May's face in Bakewell cake video buyer finds budgie I live in a packet of Maltesers is your Christmas tree planning to kill you in your sleep, that's the daily mail online.

Go on, it's time for another poetic tribute, this one for John Burke. Oh, now we have lines about mr. John Burke Oh, from the speaker's chair, then goodbye, John Burke, oh, that was your catchphrase, except when it was oh, we'll miss hearing your voice, but not as much as you would, you were pompous, you're biased and you're selfish, too called. lady. led to a stupid woman so you weren't always wrong back in history, we try to keep up to date with historical developments and were delighted to find an original advert from the captain of the Titanic, yes the captain of that very famous ship.

We wrote a manuscript that we managed to get and it was called "Let's End the Iceberg." Some people have expressed concern that there is an iceberg in our path, but what I tell them is that we have to move forward. it's ahead of us we're moving towards it that's all there is to say about it anyone who thinks differently has to get over it and the good news is the sooner we hit the iceberg the sooner we can get out we're still taking care of so many other things that need to be fixed on this boat.

It is necessary to clean the sanatorium. The kitchens have to continue preparing tomorrow's breakfast. The Irish below decks are being very rowdy so for those of you who say if we hit the iceberg we could sink I say no to project fear let's end the iceberg time for sport The private detective also runs a column called balls as a commentator, they used to be Coleman balls, but then all the commentators started doing it and these are all real mistakes made by sports commentators. We start with football now, these are the smart Brits on bbc2, that's the big cherry on the carrot I'd like to grab.

Ian Abraham talks about sports, so your penalty was no skill or neither. Ray Paula talks about sports. It's an isolated incident, but it's happening over the weekend. Jackie Oakley on the radio for Lucy Bronze says she is elated after becoming the first English player or player to be named UEFA Player of the Year Presenter on BT Sport Zenit needed to start like the proverbial train in Spain Steven Gerrard radio 5 live every game it can go either way there are no two ways about it Chris Hooton at the BBC one you don't become a bad team overnight you have to wait for the opportunity a radio commentator Clyde's result yesterday is a gold star and his father Ian Holloway in conversations time can swing a pendulum frank lampard bt sport young players will always be on my side in Mary, whether they deserve it or not Roy Keane on ITV players have to be self-critical of themselves and among them a commentator on Sky Sports just because something hasn't happened before doesn't mean it can't happen again and I must say it's not just football, there was a lot of rugby this year, this was Michael Lino on ITV Argentina, he took the gas out of them in the second half, Brendan.

Mulligan on Radio four plastic bowlers don't benefit grassroots Eddie Hemmings on Sky Sports happy was like a sneaky one-handed salmon Clive Woodward on radio for Eddie Jones is going full leather jackets ITV commentator coming into next game now it's the wind beneath your belt and Danny Buderus on Sky Sports Cameron Munster always has that left foot up his sleeve and we can't leave him without cricket, which somehow always manages to be the dirtiest of all. This was David Gower on Sky Sports Jafra Harsha with one hand in one the other gets in the other grabbing a ball and this was actually Steven Lam on BBC Radio Somerset, the Yorkshire captain decided not to have a toss this autumn and I think that's important, but we avoided politics for quite a long time.

I think now is the time to admit that there was a lot of shenanigans in the year leading up to the election and some people had a very hard time and Diane Abbott accused Question Time of deliberately inviting her on the show to be ridiculed and this is her deliberately manipulated response With my microphone they turned it on, meaning everyone could hear what I was saying. The BBC in the phone booths has an agenda to ensure that I am not seen as a serious politician, firstly by inviting me on the show and secondly by allowing the general public to hear me defend Domi's no-Brexit strategy. counting on other politicians may not have twigs what questions they answer, but I quickly put two and two together I have three thousand six hundred and fifty private detectives and oftenWe publish extracts from other newspapers, including historical newspapers, as a service to our readers and this year we published an article from biblical times, a fairly old newspaper and it was about the climate change protests, the headline was a climate change protest boat.

Climate change bothers everyone, a prominent climate change activist who calls himself Noé. parked a wooden boat in the middle of a busy road in the Holy Land, causing widespread disruption. The deliberate construction of the so-called Ark and its location at a well-known commercial junction has caused serious inconvenience to shepherds, merchants and farmers who were trying to go about their business, but Noah and his followers of Ham Shem Japheth and Emma, ​​son of Tom, no regrets, they said Noah is about to dive, they will rise in a large number of qubits and most of the planets will try.

He continued, most animal species will be wiped out unless we do something right now that is why my campaign is known as Extinction The Burien Saving animals two by two may seem like a small gesture but it is vital that we do something Noah was immediately attacked by establishment critics who claimed there was no scientific evidence to support the theory that the world was about to be destroyed said wow this is just called complaining about the middle class Noah is well known as a rich and privileged patriarch who believes he has a direct phone line to God continued, it is typical for Noah to try to blame humanity for what his son calls our sinful customs a Cloudy Sky News commentator accused Nellore of hypocrisy for cutting down a large number of trees to build his ship which directly contributes to environmental damage.

I should have a life, said Adam and Eve integrated or better than get a job, whatever Noah says, there's absolutely nothing to hold on to, it's just that I better get a raindrop and we all know how it ends. legs and drives the car, it wouldn't be fair to have chosen the previous Conservative leaders without including John Major, who again made a fairly forceful intervention in politics this year. We have his secret diary. We are very lucky and this is an extract from the secret diary of Sir John Major aged 77 and 3/4 on Monday. It's a scandal.

I said sounding not considerably aggrieved and largely furious. What's up, John? My wife Norman's hand hovered over this tea strainer. How dare a Prime Minister prorogue Parliament simply to escape scrutiny? I said as I looked at her with steely eyes framed by the best frame Specsavers had to offer. I'm sure people have forgiven you, John, for doing exactly that in 1997, before Sir Gordon Downey could deliver his report on the questions. of castra, she replied as she walked over to grab my special Tony the Tiger breakfast cereal. out of the closet no no no Norman that was completely different I sputtered I'm talking about that scoundrel Boris Johnson when I did it it was a perfectly reasonable use of parliamentary procedure whilst what Boris is doing is a blatant attack on democracy and it's time to do something about that, that's why you won't see me much next week since I'll be with another woman, what did you say?

John, Gina Miller and I will spend every waking minute preparing our case. I have to say that. I have been extremely impressed by Gina's writing. Yes, we're an unlikely couple, but then they say politics makes for strange bedfellows. Then there was a very loud sound of breaking crockery as Norman clumsily dropped my special bowl of cereal on my head, making Tony the Tiger not considerably extinct Louis MacLeod, it was the anniversary of D-Day this year and again we couldn't let him That will be revealed. We had a special report from Hugh Edwards which we reprinted privately.

Hugh Edwards' solemn worst appearance on a windswept beach and overhead was a flight of the Red Arrows and an easyJet as it headed towards Mallorca. Good evening and welcome to special coverage of D-Day. We've now spoken to every living person who experienced the D-Day landings, so in three hours. of airtime yet to fail, we can now talk to everyone who didn't fly on D-Day, but the things they did. I'm joined by Mark Francois MP in a smart Salvation Army uniform he bought on eBay. I will never forget. moment when I disembarked flanked on one side by Captain Mannering and on the other by Private Pike under a hail of German sniper fire.

Colonel Saunders died in my arms on the beach that day and his dying wish was that one day Britain would celebrate fighting the Germans for the second time by handing over Brexit and eating chlorinated chicken, that's all, until our coverage time for a short poem in celebration of the exclamation of the remains of the late General Franco, so hello again, General Franco, you are being excavated. Perhaps we shouldn't be surprised to see you as dictators are appearing everywhere nowadays. Thank you very much, Jan. On that note, this is very late in the program, but overall it was quite late, so let's offer a quick apology on behalf. from the Labor Party this may appear in all the newspapers tomorrow this is an apology for the apology we issued earlier for apologizing too much about accusations of antisemitism we would like to say that we are very sorry for having been too sorry about antisemitism and I realized that in fact , it was about anti-Semitism, which was unacceptable from a party that is committed to anti-Semitism and, honestly, you can't win with some people.

You can do it now? It's time to apologize for something more serious Donald Trump, you know he came to a state banquet with the Queen. Very few people know what he ate, but we have the full menu, the full state banquet menu, to start with the little finger buffet, roasted grapefruit. dressed food and Octopussy fish soup and as a main course tweet and sour pork e-bars Thai red curry Donald duck a l'orange nothing Russian salad and for dessert Melba Melba with Mexican jungle ice cream a selection with charge to drink fake alcoholic drinks Choice between white and redneck, a stormy Jack Daniels vodka and to end the cough, Effie, we cover other broadcast networks, particularly radio.

We were very excited when Eddie Mair went to LBC and produced a series of hard-hitting programmes, this one being about hands. Free mobiles for drivers Eddie Maher LBC, right listeners, our next topic is: Should hands-free mobiles be illegal for drivers? I've got Ken on the line, where are you Ken? I wonder what my i3 alimony is and what your opinion is. Well he's just ridiculous in the AMA, it's just the nanny state, political correctness of him gone crazy. I mean, there's nothing dangerous about using your cell phone in the car while driving, as long as you concentrate and Don Kate is distracted, but the conversation there, yes, I'm afraid it sounds like we've lost Ken.

Thanks for that, I got another call Hi Julie and where are you calling from? I didn't know there was a fast lane on the m25. I'm afraid we seem to have lost Julie and we haven't had much luck today either. Can? a caller from home maybe Oh Simon, where are you four? I'm safe and sound on the couch, my source will cover the house that is on a bend in the 260, yes, I know it well, the clever man, that's right, Eddie as a libertarian. I think people should be allowed to make their own decisions, like this guy I can see out the window, he's on the phone, driving his articulated lorry safely through my front window, to Nigel Farage for another car accident , any man on the radio talking for Hours, it's just time for a diary courtesy of Craig Brown again by Ann Widdecombe.

You'll notice that she came third the other night, very sadly. In any case, this is his exclusive journal for individuals. Since we first joined the European Union, British life has steadily gone downhill. For example, dogs get dirty on the pavement, the war generation went through hell, they came back and were expected to move on, but when the younger generation sees and the dogs get dirty on the street, they get dizzy and reach for the salts. fragrant, in fact, there are a lot of things you can do with dog poop left in the freezer overnight and then painted in pretty bright blues and reds, and dog poop makes a delightfully cheerful table decoration or saves money by using it as a blue tack to stick to-do lists in your kitchen or bathroom, but the snowflake generation simply doesn't care about practical matters, no, they prefer to bleat and complain, talk about useless little strangers, help us, thank you to Ann Widdecombe, this is a last poem in memory of Lady Marcia by Sincerity, she was Harold Wilson's private and political secretary.

I'm going to read this myself, so goodbye ma'am, for your sincerity, you were famous for supposedly having an affair with Labor Prime Minister Harold Wilson and for writing his infamous Lavender List. very litigious on those two points, but now you are dead and can no longer sue, so we will abandon the supposedly right moment. I am afraid that a letter to the Daily Telegraph which I am afraid we have taken and reproduced is from Sir Herbert. Gusset and writes on the subject of England's victory in the Cricket World Cup. He gives his address like nonsense on Aven.

I think it's surgery. Are you with us, Mr. Herbert? and we all have to leave the theater some time later, so Herbert Gusset. I'm sure I'm not the only one who strongly objects to the chorus of approval that is greeted. It is such a cold victory in the world of cricket, a world as cold as many true cricket lovers. I was dismayed by the scenes of jubilant players hugging each other in their multi-coloured pajamas as the crowd behind them vulgarly celebrated such a visible quality of cricket that both teams lost several wickets and scored far more than this extra 50 runs a day without loss.

What has the world come to when a leather devotee in Willow cannot visit Lords safe in the knowledge that the peaceful afternoon's sleep will be uninterrupted. Now the unfortunate spectator has to endure the almost non-stop action on the playing field, making it almost impossible to concentrate on the Daily Telegraph crossword, the unseemly enjoyment of an over-excited beer. sodden rabble who seem hell-bent on having what you'd call a good tune completely ruins the day for those of a more traditional bent, left alone with a thermos of cold tea and a Tupperware box of egg sandwiches made by today's good wife. when he risks being hit by a white boy of shockingly strange color raining from the sky and endangering life and limb, if it was excitement like me after whoever was to cut, I can only hope that the next Ashes series See the noble game returned to its former glory. the meandering nothingness reaching the tomb of the conclusion where the match is being abandoned you - ray that's what English commas are about and that's how your cricket good evening thank you very much thank you very much we have to hurry in the end you have a suitable play, you have Brian Friel's translations, which are supposed to be very good, but they wanted us to leave about a quarter of an hour ago, so thank you very much for accommodating us.

We will sign books. Most of this material appears in the yearbook, if you want to reread it yourself, it's totally up to you, but I can say that I am incredibly grateful, especially right now, for the presence of this incredible gas. They have a lot more to do and three showed up tonight.