Private Eye - The Year in Review 2018

um good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to

private

Vivo no expense has been spared look at this set and we're delighted to see you here this is where we do our

review

of the

year

it's the Private Eye annual but brought from the page to the stage and I know that It's a difficult time Private Eye has carried out its own State of the Nation survey, we asked people if society is divided, fifty per cent said yes, the other 50 per cent said no, but we'll do it anyway and I would like to first welcome you to the incredible cast Harry Enfield Lewis McLeod Jan Ravens and John Sessions thank you and to start we will have a piece to cheer us up reproduced from the privatized sister newspaper The Penguin Times gives you the news in black and white This Penguin Age op-ed was written by a distinguished 93-

year

-old penguin and is titled: Should We Intervene and Help Humans?

We have all seen the images. The desperate plight of millions of helpless Britons trapped deep in a harsh, unforgiving hole that certain people face. doom with no idea how to get out, if we as penguins let nature take its course and leave them to their fate, is it our duty as intellectually and morally superior creatures to go in and help them escape somehow or should we let them jump? a slow motion cliff with moving music and a comment from me at the time their future seems cold if we save them from nature taking its course thank you - penguin news we have to say the b word but luckily the prime minister took some time into his national tour trying to convince him about his agreement to appear here tonight and we have mrs.

Teresa Mae, in the words of Britain's second most important prime minister, rejoice, rejoice, the deal is done. I have returned triumphant from Europe and, to quote a much earlier Prime Minister, I have in my hand a piece of paper or, in my case, 585. pieces of paper and quoting possibly our best Prime Minister of all time, although the History may decide otherwise after this week, it is not the end of Brexit, it is not even the beginning of the end of Brexit, but it may be the end of the beginning of the beginning of at the end everything that remains after my historic agreement with the Mr.

The drunk of the European Union is to negotiate an agreement with members of my own cabinet and Parliament. I assure you it will be a formality, but just in case it is not, I have written a letter to every man, woman and child in Britain asking for your support. let me read you this letter, dear Briton, yours to resume the prime minister, okay, this time to cheer us up now and let's play Britain's fool, and this is the column in

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that I compiled by Markus Berkman, which gives you answers real to real questionnaires. quiz questions, these are all things that the contestants actually said from the turning point of the chase, the brain, useless and many more, to be honest, most of them came from the chase, so let's invite Bradley Walsh, who is also in Doctor Who. now two ask the questions Bradley in which of Shakespeare's plays is a Roman leader stabbed in the back by a gladiator friend the Eddie Stobart Tammy truck is named after which country and western singer Dolly Parker Samson lost her strength after being hit they cut off the arm of the Yangtze The river reaches the ocean, near which major city, Los Angeles, who was the only British king to abdicate in the 20th century, Charles Dickens, whose inhabitants are known as a Scottish town or city such as Thumbed Onehans and who wrote the 1653 book The Compleat Angler JR Hartley. in 1649 what English war resulted in the beheading of Charles our first world war what famous military organization was created by King Alfred the Great in the 9th century the SAS what animal is a cross between a horse and a donkey a honky the final city of El Dorado was said to be made of what metal ten can you give me the name of a medalist from the Rio Olympics? mo Mowlam what day of the week is Rome exactly with Sunday and Tuesday crotches minam's and eighth notes are examples of the chips we go is on the market now and it's very exciting to be on the set of a real David Hare play this year .

David received some pretty unfair criticism that the exposition in his TV drama was a bit clunky, so Private Eye, to defend him, published a never-before-seen piece, David's The Tortoise and the Hare. We're going to share it with you this week. night, but we modified it a little, so we have Sir Ian McKellen as the Tortoise and Dame Maggie Smith as the hare enters the adorable, friendly, mysterious tortoise, the mysterious tortoise enters in a bad mood, irascible. troubled hare and I'm a troubled hare, quiet and grumpy, hello turtle, what are you doing here in Torre Britain? old tortoise, you talk like a tortoise and I, one thing I'm not going to do is challenge you to a race because, like you remember I'm a tortoise and I have a history of being quite slow, well this is Thatcher's Britain, a new turtle, own your own house, by which you mean the shell on my back, I guess because I'm a turtle, remember, let's do this race, but I'm going to win because in Britain, Cameron's posh boy, There are only winners, there is no time for losers, which is why race is a very important issue in today's society. 6.

I am LESBIAN, remember that yes and I am an illegal immigrant. doing with that gun are you going to start this career no, I'm going to become a serial killer because I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder after having served in Iraq in one of Tony Blair's legal wars supporting the American military-industrial complex oh yes, I remember what I was going to tell you at this point the hair turned into a very long monologue that even put her to sleep allowing the turtle to win the race, ladies and gentlemen, our diving and driving courses are known to be better Coventry than that. and mainly it is about the city and politics and that area where the city and politics collide with conflicts of interest and we publish statements from various companies and this is a financial statement from none other than the well-known financier and politician Jacob Riis mark MP Como Distinguished Senior Partner of the Somerset Capital Asset Management Scheme, known for short as Scam, would advise investors in our two billion pint fund that, despite my complete confidence in the successful outcome of Gran's exit Britain from the European Union, we have decided to relocate part of our operation to the Republic of Ireland, although I am personally sure that Brexit will undoubtedly bring Britain a period of unprecedented prosperity, we consider it prudent to hedge our bets by establishing a small office for scams above mr.

Shamus Efrafa T's, highly respected bar on Molly Bloom Street in Dublin, in the very unlikely event that the British economy totally collapsed as a result of the very sensible approach to Brick's which I so eloquently advocated could prove crucial to the survival of the scam that we maintain a foothold somewhere within the territories of the European Union. I believe this decision will further strengthen the attractiveness of our international portfolio, which includes our highly acclaimed investment vehicle. poutine scam, which allows us to benefit from rapidly expanding marketing companies run by very rich friends of the Russian president In conclusion, I have complete confidence in Britain's ability to create a modern and optimistic future, forging new trade relationships with countries such as Mesopotamia, Persia and Cathay.

Of course, Jacob is still alive, but we tend to cover for the recently dead. through our poet, is a panegyric of three notables EJ thrip, writes a malicious verse when someone has died, often the least famous, the darkest figures of the time, so the first corner of poetry is in memory of Ingvar Kamprad, who was the founder of Ikea. So goodbye, ingvar comfort, creator of the furniture revolution, although unfortunately you were pro-Nazi in your youth, you tried to make up for it by showing us all how to build a better world or at least a better bathroom cabinet or a billy bookcase, he says that we are.

We're all trying to create a better world, but unfortunately not all of us have the right Allen wrench and often everything just falls apart forever. Just as we get a poet to cover the big obituaries, we get a romance novelist to cover the big true stories. This is Sylvie crin, one of the great writers of the time, no, you thought I was going to say Jeffrey Archer, this is Sylvie crin and this is her describing what happened at the baptism of the new royal baby Prince Louie, it's about Prince Charles, his name is Air of Sorrows Charles is attending a party to celebrate the baptism of his new grandson.

He is wonderful, excited, the heir to the throne. I'm here surrounded by all my old friends. Charles was alone in the greenhouse at Highgrove amidst his beloved collection of potted plants. I'm sorry for these fries, but I'm going to have to leave you as if it were a sign. Can we let him come to disturb your pleasant conversation? Just stop hanging around here Chasseur and head back to the party inside Michael's ballroom, the party hosted by the younger royals were in full swing, Charles could hear the loud banging of grime's greatest artist, storm z daniel , vibrating through the louie to burn yesh, a delicious little pop was a champagne cork as prince william's friends foolishly opened another bottle of bubbling champagne for a while to get wet.

The baby's head screamed foolishly again as he filled the glasses of the gathered young people with a vintage Grand Cru Bullinger. Who will they be? Charles wondered if Herrmann was the one who cut up some jets and flotsam. Who was he talking to? He definitely he was an old Etonian. I think possibly Darius Chumley. food banks, well, maybe bags of Bongo money, Charles was worried he couldn't remember anyone's name anymore, there were layers, the family in the middle, milling around, busily advertising their new range of baptism party balloons and they baptized me, quick hats that my wife and her husband, mr. and Kate's sister there, however, was dear old Camilla holding the new royal baby, what was the baby's name again?

Louis, no, come on, cheer up, Joslyn, you don't like the ghost at the party, shy, his consort Royale, the Duchess of Marlborough, lit up while she Tried to give newly baptized baby Louie a quick vape, yeah, this will keep him don't worry. It's Dutch, the original organic mint and cannabis flavor. Kate smiled weakly and quickly took the baby and gave it to her mother. Charles walked toward the buffet with his array of The elegant Lee named typographic food from the middle's collection of courts and baptisms and overheard a conversation between Prince Harry and Princess Megan. I think she's behaving very well all things considered.

He sued the newlyweds' unmistakable, empathetic Californian voice, Duchess Markel, of Sparkle No Tantrums. don't cry, don't throw his toys out of the pram a greek prince harry, yes in fact make tea. I think your father is in top shape, oh yes, they are confused. Pater is playing blinders. The room seemed to spin around Charles's tired head. That? It was worse to be ignored or patronized in any way. It really was. That was the important word. These are the legs of the world that once and will still be created. Not everything is an internal obsession. We are interested in Foreign Affairs.

We even run a TripAdvisor service in private This is TripAdvisor. It's a

review

of the cathedral city of Salisbury by Russian tourists Alexander and as a result, as ordinary citizens with no connection to the Secret Service, we had a great time in this great English country town. We went to several places of interest. including the famous Cathedral and missing the front door of the spooky house, we were so exhausted after an hour of sightseeing that we returned to our lovely hotel in BO East London. This snowy weather was also very difficult for us Russians because we rarely see snow in Russia, but we loved Salisbury so much that we went back the next day and had a lot of fun trying to avoid all the CCTV cameras.

We saw all the sights, but found we still had a little time to kill. We had a great time and definitely won. We will not go there again or anywhere outside of Russia, unfortunately we lost our duty free perfume somewhere in the area. If we find it, don't come back. Thanks to TripAdvisor Private Eye tries to cover culture, BBC historical documentaries and as a result we cover. Meri Beard's career has now featured the most shows this year, you may have noticed, but this one was classic and classic. She sought to bring the classical world to life for a popular audience.

This is Mary Beard. Julius Caesar revealed. Mary Beard enters the hospital delivery room dressed. Dressed in a gown and standing next to a woman giving birth, what many mothers like Sally here forget when they have a C-section is thatThe sea is actually short for a woman with a cesarean section screams in agony. Julius Caesar is still part of our everyday language. cut to a man on the street with a stone stacker who is a child Caesar cut to Mary opening the door to the Rovers' return and who can forget that mainstay of one of our most beloved soap operas Bette Lynch arrived at the Bentley photo, is played, of course, by the fabulous Julie Goodyear, who may not realize that her name is derived from the most famous and notorious ancient Roman of all, Julius Caesar, as famous in his time as Beyonce, cut of Beyonce images Oh posh and Becks after pictures of David and Victoria Beckham, ah our take. to Marion Rome eating a Caesar salad, so how did a rich aristocrat, but frankly not a list aristocrat, become so powerful that the only solution was a spiraling spoiler alert to stab him to death?

Cut to photo of Michael Gove behind Boris Johnson, young Julius started out playing a game by the rules to get married playing table football in an Italian bar but before long he was ripping up the rule book Mary rips up a rule book and when He left Italy for Gaul to lay the customary foundations and a high-visibility jacket in a work on which all his latest successes would be built and, above all, he knew how to set the information agenda like Twitter and social networks today, but Julius Caesar didn't even have his own cell phone, but he could have taught Donald Trump how to cut hair. photo of Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian cut a photo of Kim Kardashian and 2016 X Factor winner Mac Terry cut to throw bat everything he you have to know about sound bites take this for example, vanie vidi vici I came, I saw, I conquered court to get married playing congas that's how Julius Caesar got to the top of the political ladder, chopped Mary on a ladder and converted in the most famous and notorious ancient Roman of all, Mary Baird.

Now it's time to change things up a bit and introduce the great privatized parodist Craig Brown, who journals for us at the end of each issue, there are plenty of them in the annual, which I hope you enjoy, ladies and gentlemen, do you? Could you please welcome Craig Brown to the stage and to Craig's first encore? He is channeling Kenneth Rose very well. -well-known Sunday Telegraph journalist now that his Diaries have just been published he was a great admirer of the royal family he chronicled high society his critics said he was a snob who climbed the social ladder but Craig is not here to prove otherwise October 8 1970 during dinner at Pratt's poverty Bristol tells the funniest story bubbles Birmingham and I are everything apparently Hector Chumley once asked Walter Pettigrew to have poodles for lunch without realizing that Pettigrew preferred Pass since he was once served a dish there of slightly warm tomato soup, of course, is well known. for liking his soup piping hot October 10, 1970 I had just finished telling Tommy LaSalle the story of Pettigrew and Chumley and boodles when Tommy says that Pettigrew's dislike of warm soup is greatly exaggerated, say what you will, but a I once saw Pettigrew pour a whole spoonful. plate of gazpacho in his mouth without even looking back, he says a little mentally twisted, but people go on and on about how Pettigrew doesn't like his soup warm, needless to say I hesitate to point out that gazpacho is usually served cold instead of Luke towards the end of our meal Tommy tells me a very funny story involving the earl of crook ndon and a shaving brush October 11, 1970 dinner at the steak between Sir Percy Nutter and Lord reverence that kind of seems to them difficult to hide their amusement when I tell them strictly Entre Nous that tommy la soul's is unbreakable under misunderstanding gazpacho is served warm October 12, 1970 the travelers club General Sir William all day Carver II can't wait can't wait to tell me that Tommy LaSalle thank you, gazpacho is a soup that is served hot.

I hesitate to tell him the real story, which is that Tommy believes gazpacho is served warm. This shows how often these stories are exaggerated. As a historian, one must always be on the lookout for these anomalies. July 17, 1980. Lunch at Clarence House and Majesty The Queen Mother has never been a brighter secret. This extraordinary woman is always beautifully dressed and in great spirits and is able to prepare magnificent meals for 12 or more guests with amazement and all with a staff of barely 65 years old, she is a woman of supreme intelligence, did I ever tell you about my encounter with Pettigrew and gazpacho?

I say yes, you did Kenneth, she replies that she has the most remarkable memory of people and places at one point when I mention the East End. from London without prior notice she informs us that she is a few kilometers in that direction pointing to Trafalgar Square and beyond it is the most extraordinary feat of memory I don't know how she does it lady I say she says that she is full of admiration for men and kind-hearted East Cockney women, you know they just adore you in return. I make it a point to visit them approximately every 40 years.

I would go more often, but you don't want to go overboard. They mess up so much, an object lesson in generosity and altruism. I make a note in my diary to tell Bobbity and Bubbles over breakfast at Boodles Ground that we went from very English to very American and of course strumming, we couldn't help it for long. As many people say in the litigation, this is Trump's actions when the powerful tropical storm Hurricane Florence devastated the East Coast, leaving a trail of devastation and destruction in its wake; The president took personal control and tweeted from his room at 3:00 a.m.

I never met Hurricane Florence. I never slept with her unless she's that friend of stormy Daniels, sir. Trump took some time to consider his position and in 301 qualified his previous tweet oh wait, it all comes back to me. Hurricane Florence signed a confidentiality agreement that has nothing more to say on the matter. I asked my lawyer to take care of everything, but I didn't pay him the money at 3:02 he continued, okay, yes, but it wasn't from campaign funds, it was from my personal 303 bank account, okay, it was from campaign funds but in no way was it a huge donation from the russians call off this witch hunt now 305 ok it may have been russian money but i didn't know that which makes it a fake news hashtag that you fails the New York Times a 306 the president exploded again on Twitter hey, why did they remove the cartoons to show me a boring wind storm who cares come on failed hashtag Cartoon Network 3:10 Looney Tunes deeply disturbing Speedy Gonzales the call fastest mouse in Mexico I demand the extradition of Gonzales on charges of rape, murder and drug trafficking lock him up build that wall, that's enough Get him out of here, great job, we have our own scandals in Britain and indeed in Scotland, and Alex Salmond got into trouble and again we decided the best answer was to get a poet to look after him.

This is the very famous Scottish poet. William Rees McGonagall, the purveyor of great verse for the last 200 years, and these are lines written about the investigation of the former First Minister of Scotland for inappropriate behaviour. It was in

2018

, but Alex Almond was asked where his horns were and where they were. If he had been somewhat negligent towards the particular colleagues he had chosen to kiss, the former Prime Minister admitted that he had been floated so forcefully, he denied that he had done anything dirty, in fact he said he had no reason to feel guilty as he whether the war progressed or not because of him, but the leader of his party, the brilliant Nicola Sturgeon, cut off Alex's pure ass like a limb for a guy.

Alex says they will fight all of you in court for saying I have done things you didn't notice and to underline the injustice of the case against me I hereby renounce my life membership in the SNP, an ineffective, fair but cunning corporate rage, created an online legal defense crowdfunding, but what would be the result of the investigation: would he fall from grace or walk free? Only one thing can make us completely sure that one day we will see you and Alex in that bright darkness of Strictly Come Dancing. Lord, I know at this point you're thinking typical conservative prejudice, where's Corbin?

It's what people ask all the time, usually in the Labor party, anyway. he appears regularly privately, writes a column for us and has had a great year and told John McDonough: I want to make Britain a very different country. Venezuela. This is Corbin writing about a really serious issue in the Labor Party. Hello, well, once again I have been forced to intervene by a sinister strain of prejudice that infects our Labor party like a cancer. The bias against me, which I like to call anti-jerem ISM, is in the hands of a small number of well-intentioned but misguided workers. party members who have this knee-jerk reaction to the state of Jezreel it is the anti Jerem ISM and criticism of orthodox jezus that threatens the entire labor party and must stop if you don't believe me, listen to the opinions of someone completely independent, my old man friend Diane Abbott Jeremy people tend to forget that our people, the Jazza tribe, spent many years in the wilderness just because we refused to accept that Tony Blair was the Son of God, we were persecuted by rights sent wandering from festival to festival where were we.

Subjected to all manner of indignities, including Billy Bragg, we finally found a house on the mill's edge, a little place we could call our own, and immediately set out to expand peacefully and eliminate all who did not share our faith, as is the prerogative of any persecuted person, thanks Diane, so let's make the guidelines absolutely clear against Jerem's ISM, it's the stereotype of Jays as an ignorant, blinkered old man who really can't see everything and ever does. He is wrong in the sentiment generally expressed by annoying Jews and It is also an annoying job that non-Jews could buy three.

I am a busy party leader. I have to organize Momentum's annual work trip to Stratford. It's The Merchant of Venice all over again, but you can never get enough of classic Jeremy Corbyn, and obviously for the sake of balance. we cut straight to Boris a fantastic year for Boris we found out who the mystery blonde was who was in love with himself and we learned that he sent two letters to his wife when the news of his infidelity broke, one arguing that he should stay one that he should leave, of fact gone now it's about the press and it's about the Daily Telegraph which changed its name earlier this year to the newspaper Boris Graph publishes an article by Boris every Monday which it then puts on the front page this is one of many of its columns under the headline bricks it will be a car accident says bricks a tear who was driving the car what-what with his foot fully on the accelerator prime minister trees amazed backing into a corner where he will hit the shock absorbers leaving no time to jump into the lifeboats and sail over the cliff, wow, not since 1066, when this country faced a lot of metaphors as serious as those created, ah, but I identify the so-called ladies' plan, its proposals are so many miles that I voted in favor before David Davis.

He resigned and I thought a better design would be fine in the case of Mr boat where was I oh yes haha ​​1066 magna carta have we forgotten ha ha have we forgotten that momentous moment in our island's history when the Duke of Wellington can probably between conquered her and said no or to use a sporting metaphor for the man at Clapham? unleash chaos, we are five nil in extra time, wow, with the ball spinning on a sticky wicket and the umpire calling for a third umpire as we go into the championship play-off, what can we do?

Simply adopting my six-point plan to clear up the mess I didn't make anyway creates rejection ma'am. May's terrible plan to come up with a brilliant plan of her own that will work very well. Three adopt the Canada Breck super alistic because, although the south is just a true five axis, if you say it loud enough, you always will. sounds precocious six super Canada break stat XP to Laplace more gotta go I think my pants are on fire it's time for another ej3 eulogy this is in memory of ken dot artist so bye then Ken Dodd they say you used to go on forever but Unfortunately that's how it was.

It's not true, they also said only two things in life, a certain death and taxes, unfortunately you only avoided one and now they are not the ashes to ask. We also cover sport privately, particularly in our commentator column, all submitted by readers and are real examples of commentators trying to fill the time while watching sport. They are all genuine. We start, of course, with football. Palmerston on Sky Sports. He's moving a little timidly right now. Parry Groves in the sport taught also had a couple of small evenings in the opposition box sports presenter BBC Radio Lancashire we can have this debate forlet us be blue in the teeth Ian point BT sport with Everton to kneel Sam Allardyce will throw caution to the wind Oh Andy hints cliff sky sports the lone striker The role was always going to be a two-man job Jermaine genis BBC one.

He wouldn't say it was a trust issue, but he started not believing in himself. BBC News sports presenter. Argentinian fans singing from dusk to dawn and probably through the night. well, Stephen Warnock radio 5 live Apple's first goal has given them a new helplessness, it's not just football, although crickets are just as bad Connor McNamara on radio 5 live Warren saw there the opportunity to put his name in the headlights sports reporter radio 5 live, do you think there? There will be tears in your eyes when the finger goes up Geoffrey Boycott Radio 5 Live his shows were all silver and gold like AB Alicia Beacon Stewart Broad Sky Sports Cricket is a game without limits Ed Smith radio for roots retired ill again with gastroenteritis problems in both ends for Eamon now, a quick look at rugby Eddie Jones radio 5 live, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity and you don't get many of those Paul Grayson Radio 5 live, no matter how big your tackle is you have to be able to take out austin- healey BT sport, it's made of mercury, that player rocks Sonny and the last word for Clare Balding who presented almost all the sports this year, this booking for the Winter Olympics was, I think, wonderful.

From start to finish commentators, these are strange times and the press provides opinion pieces and this year there were a lot of articles written along these lines in newspapers that you wouldn't have expected to receive them anyway. Private Eye was happy to reproduce them was the headline our timid leaders can learn from strong men it's all very well criticizing strong leaders but what people don't understand is that they are not all decisive leaders they get things done Trump Putin heir to a and Erte might be a bit Controversial but sensitive liberals must understand that these strongmen are the future and are surely better than leaders who only talk, make promises and do not deliver.

Hence the BBC's decision not to include the Daleks in the next season of Doctor Who. it's wrong, the Daleks have a clear and easy to understand manifesto, it's depressed, especially about people who aren't like them and try to oppose them, they exterminate, exterminate and carry out their campaign promises, they took the letter and you have to respect them for doing things as long as they are as acceptable as the Daleks may seem to liberal elites. Surely it is preferable to Doctor Who with its bland ideas of good outcomes that are good for people, good for those who, for me On the other hand, he would appreciate Britain being subjugated by a strongman, or rather a homicidal half-man, half-robot, as long as he wasn't. a pathetic and thin woman like Angela Merkel, Theresa May or Barack Obama, other obituaries in memoriam Fats Domino, so goodbye, Fats Domino, king of boogie-woogie, godfather of rock and roll, but would they call you fat today or would we have to call you something else? size Domino or Domino with alternative weight or obesity problems Domino no, it's not exactly the same now it's not a shame that charities were in the news a lot this year and their problems were leptonized by right wing newspapers again Private Eye tended to play their material this was a very strident piece called don't give them a cent Oxfam Oaks adds more like I don't want to say I told you so but I did it one more time.

It has been shown to me that foreign aid never did anyone any good. Little old ladies in charity shops are wasting their time and, worse still, supporting international pedophile gangs who roam the world with impunity, spending the money raised from the moth-eaten jacket you gave them on champagne dealers and rentboys. A double fact, everything is demonstrated. What I've always said, charity begins at home, but it's better if it doesn't start at all, so the next time you hear news about a tragic famine, earthquake or tsunami in some country and the miserable bearded aid workers shamelessly fire begging. bowl do yourself and the rest of the world a favor go and punch yourself in the face burn down your local Oxfam program steal all the money from the collection tin at the pub soon comic relief to get all your money back even if You didn't do it just anyone, there is only one way to solve the world's problems and that is to ignore them.

PS: Check Kannamma please, I'm dying for the first time for Craig Brown's return. Craig returns for a final series of parodies, this is him, yes. corona, we couldn't let Louis's birth go uncelebrated again and this is a Festschrift of some of the UK's greatest writers and thinkers commenting on the birth of baby Lily Craig. I'm Piers Morgan this morning. I texted Louis to wish him well. of Brits haven't responded yet but frankly I've noticed that all my real best friends are slow when it comes to texting. I guess we'll have to wait for a lackey to do it for them.

Louis, a spectacular little guy. in the next few years I hope to introduce you to my good friends Michael Caine Amanda Holden Simon Cowell from Lord Sugar Donald Trump and Rachel Stevens from the clubs this is the late VS Naipaul who was increasingly bitter the new baby is a deep disappointment even after in a week she has not yet done anything worthy of consideration, you can see the bitterness in her features, she has not said anything interesting, she cries and gurgles, gurgles and cries, these are clear signs of a moody and unpleasant nature, this is the columnist of the Daily Mail, Amanda Pluto, la An old saying goes that Monday's child is beautiful, but the first time I saw Lilly walking out of that hospital with that know-it-all face, like she owned the place, I thought to myself, well , this Monday's kid is Fatter Face Time to Lose Some Pounds Chubby Chops With all that money you would have thought Wills and Kate could have bought him a junior indoor rowing machine.

I've trained only a couple of hours a day and I've been reliably told that you have the body of a 25-year-old woman, so face the facts Fat Boy Louie, if you want me to be, in the iconic words of Billy Joe L. , your uptown girl, then you better start cutting those calories and fast. This is Richard Dawkins tweeting Richard Dawkins at Richard. Dawkins just because the royal baby will be subjected by his extremely misinformed parents to a grotesque baptism doesn't mean he will be any more moral than the rest of us; On the contrary, statistics show that people who define themselves as religious are more likely to be so. rapists murderers and pickpockets done this is Lord Archer with a few carefully chosen words in the right ears I managed to get the Duchess of Cambridge to the VIP Lindo wing of st.

Mary's Hospital doesn't say a word to anyone, but the Lindo wing is actually named after me, Lord Geoffrey Lindo Archer, a little known fact, but it's my middle name, not something I brag about, but I dug deep into my pockets to build and equip it. I secretly pay all the salaries of the splendid doctors and nurses who blessed me before I became a great Booker-winning author. He was actually a fully qualified doctor and I like to keep my hand in. I am deeply proud to have been there to deliver Prince Louie the last time. Monday I wish I could have stayed longer, but I had promised to undertake a secret task to rescue twins kidnapped from Mozambique in darkest South America.

Mission accomplished Sarah Ferguson in Sarah the Duchess. Thank you, precious, pretty little puppy Prince for allowing us I believe that every day a dream is possible and to spread hope, love and trash, many other wonderful things in this beautiful beautiful world of ours, you are my hero and I am so proud of your wisdom and inner strength. I just know you're going. love my new children's books ballerina green ballerina Rosie goes sailing and hum the little helicopter goes shopping now available both are available now through my best best friends on Amazon Cote UK this is The Guardian columnist Owen Jones is a difficult fact that the establishment is hand in hand with the media to systematically employ role-playing to distract our hard-earned attention from the victims of the gusts of wind that broadcast falsehoods about a succession of royal babies to incite to hatred against minorities is just the latest in a long line of narrowly calibrated campaigns by the Conservatives and their allies to undermine the foundations of our hard-won democracy and finally we have that great lyricist Sir Tim Rice and for this I thought we would have a little bit of lyrics from him and I would like all of you in the choir at the end we could have a little practice when you raise your hand you have to shout joyfully hooray for Prince Louie we will have a very good practice okay this is the brilliant lyrics Sir Tim Rice welcome young sir that stirs in all our hearts a stir more precious than myrrh and warmer than good offers, young prince, tastier than after-dinner mints, so we won't say Oh Phooey, no, we'll sing just time for a few more things which Private Eye doesn't understand.

With a lot of advertising, you may have noticed a lot of things related to stairlifts, cruise ships and soups from the extremely good Mr. Rajah, I'm using one tonight, but we occasionally run public service announcements, including those for the BBC. This appeared a short time ago. It is a very special job and they were announcing it. The BBC is trying to appoint Sir Cliff to oversee the BBC. Richard relates that the position suits a devilish woman or a single guy and he or she will develop a comprehensive strategy to find out why Sir Cliff Richard and the BBC are no longer talking or not, that strategy will involve creating a cliff for some.

Ideally, the Post's mandate will include taking the blame for the corporation losing a lot of money while those really responsible go on summer vacation. There will be no more work for a week or two. If the applicant is successful, he will receive congratulations and celebrations. from a grateful corporation £100,000 salary plus mistletoe Christmas bonus and why it's time for one last corner of quick poetry this is in memory of Rodney boos David Cassidy a young Malcolm from the CDC and serial killer Charles Manson so goodbye then to a lot of people, whatever happens the likely boys, well in your case Rodney, now we know it could be forever, sorry David, no Malcolm, let's hope you're not on the highway to hell, but We know who definitely is.

Don't we just charge time to find out what happened to someone else? of our great leaders Tony Blair a newspaper on Thursday the truth is that these days I have more demand than ever. I literally feel rushed. I eat breakfast at home and quickly scan Twitter for reaction to my important keynote on necessity. for global interdependence, brilliant, it's been retweeted by independent advisers at the Tony Blair Institute for Global Change and BBC Wales have also retweeted it today, which is brilliant. I made an urgent call to my old friend, President Barack Obama, me, Barrack Tony, here, how are you doing? eager to touch base on global interdependence the response was immediate this is President Barack Obama's office please leave your name and the purpose of your call and we will get back to you as soon as possible Friday fight I have a few hours between a meeting in lonely work breakfast and maybe something to eat that night, so I go out to chat with my police protection guys.

I like to exchange friendly jokes with them. It looks like it's going to be a nice sunny day. I said this morning, that means it's time to take out our umbrellas, they said to each other. I guess you must have heard me wrong. Barack hasn't called again. I hope I didn't miss your call while watching the countdown. Tony Blair. I have a very very statement to make. It would be before closing. I know. We are running out of time this is an editorial about mr. Max Mosley in the light of mr. Mosley's recent attempts to use the Data Protection Act to remove references to the past from his official record.

I would like to make it clear that Private Eye, as a responsible newspaper, will no longer refer to sadomasochists or G's involving German-speaking prostitutes spanking mr. . Mosley's butt, considering this can really be painful for him, we certainly won't suggest that suffering pain seems to be what mr. Mosley does not like nor would we suggest that it is hypocritical of Mosley to muzzle the press when he is the one doing it, we realize that this is a very serious issue that needs to be treated sensibly, it is a deeply important debate about the freedom of the press and we hope that mr.

Mosley doesn't end up being a sore loser although that's what he really likes so we would like to assure mr. Mosley that we consider this too important to question for childish laughter in the name of aprivate detective and suggest that mr. Mosley changed his name to Max Spanky Mukbang Face Quick Time for another public service announcement. They are auditions here at the theater and they are a very important announcement for Patrick Stewart. Sir Patrick Stewart, the Royal National Theater of Nice Dub, is currently holding auditions for the role. of Hamlet applicants must be royal blood Danes and other suicidal actors, don't bother applying as you are no longer eligible for this role.

The Royal National Theater in Nice is an equal opportunity employer, except we are talking about acting and big films we have to finish with Sir Herbert Gusset, so Herbert Gusset still writes letters to the Daily Telegraph from deep in Somerset and This letter was the subject of a film about Winston Churchill which I hope you have all seen, ladies and gentlemen, Sir Herbert Gossett as ever. Admirers of the late Sir Winston Churchill, arguably the greatest British Prime Minister of this or any other era, my wife and I recently drove to Western Market to attend the cinema screening of the new film Darkest Hour.

Imagine Halle discovering this. Suppose it is a story from The momentous events of 1948 that Lady Letitia and I remember as if it were yesterday were nothing more than a complete parody of historical events. Five minutes into this film they showed us images of what was intended to be a typical London street from the time that was lost. A 1953 Ford Consul could clearly be seen driving in the background. At least this hill was redeemed by the only inspiring scene in which Churchill is shown having doubts about whether Britain should continue fighting the Nazis or sue for peace.

Churchill enters the carriage of an underground train where he seeks views of a typical cross-section of ordinary Britons in the 1940s, a chimney sweep Kolbert, a children's nanny who gives her name, Miss, pulling out a cloth cap, a dustman, Mr. Doolittle and several representatives of Britain's then-world empire, including a turbaned searching imam, a stern-looking imam, and a West Indian expert on British and Roman history, all of whom are shown leading a lively discussion of the Britain's military options with brave members of London's wartime LGBTQ community. rightly so, everyone ends up shouting, go ahead Winnie, kick Hitler in the Ghoulies, the nation is right behind you as you pull the Union Jack out of their pockets to sing a rousing chorus from the room, the Prime Minister bursts into tears and He then strides off towards the House of Commons to deliver the speech that undoubtedly won the war, ladies and gentlemen, thank you all very much for your patience and thank you very much for coming.

Afterwards there will be a book signing, we will sell copies of the yearbook and all the writers will be there to sign the books. May I ask you to be there in this particular order to show his appreciation?