Orny Adams ● More Than Loud - Full Comedy Special

school, it's 10 a.m. northwest tv station responds hello kathy please tell your granddaughter that orney is just mad because he's on santa's naughty list how old are we how old are we is that shame that feels like shame by the way then they start a cold hashtag for ornate Debra C Taylor says he's an idiot I'm sorry t-a-l-e-y he's an idiot who makes fun of people with celiac disease is not funny or cool. She wouldn't pay money to see it and then she uses a hashtag to warn foreigners. End of this immediately. I have to do what people do when they get the spotlight wrong.

Or I have to go. in rehab and I'm not going to give up tequila or write a retraction, so this is what I wrote and I had to write it by hand afterwards because they deleted it so quickly. This is what I wrote today. I made a mistake. I want to make it clear. I know Santa exists and has celiac disease. He is a foreigner. And he is Jewish. He used to hate it. By the way, Orney Adams is not my real name. I changed it when he was in college, it was Adam Orenstein, and by the way, that's one of the things that's wrong. on my Wikipedia page they misspelled my legal name as a foreigner.

I changed my name because I didn't like people knowing he was Jewish. It was like it was strange. Some people don't like Jews. I don't know if you know. I always thought that well, you know what? Why don't you hate me first for something else and then hate me because I'm Jewish? When I was younger, people said anti-show that you're a stingy Jew and I. I said I'm seven years old I don't even have any money yet foreign these people with gluten no we've lost our minds okay if we go back to that part of Portland people need to just calm down people need to just calm down we're just trying to have a good time there's too much people on the planet that's what I'm starting to think and if the internet has taught us anything it's that half of this planet needs to be medicated and by that I mean euthanasia it's time to get rid of some of these people I don't like the bad people I don't like critical people I don't like people who don't let people be people I don't like violent people I don't like that's true, you know? like these uh these Mass Shooters wow you shut up Is there any Mass Shooters here tonight?

That was weird. This is what I don't understand about Mass Shooters and I don't mean to make light of something really serious, but these people go to the movies. in movie theaters and they shoot strangers if you're so angry at the world, don't you know the people you'd rather kill first? Shouldn't the story be oh oh oh? And then he invited everyone who ever went to see a movie and shot him. I'm not even that angry at the world and I have a list of 52 people 53 53 people have gone crazy there are seven billion people on the planet people need to stop having children how often do you see someone with a kitten what do you think?

What shouldn't I? I haven't had a child, we didn't need him now he has a little version of him. There are seven billion people on this planet and we are giving tax breaks to people who have children. How about we reward people who don't overpopulate the planet? be able to clip the UPC code off my condoms attach it to my 1040. I want a refund, you know, this wasn't a plan, you know, just 100 years ago, there were only a billion people, God probably took a little nap, said, oh, everything is fine on Earth I'm going to take a little nap wake up what are seven billion people doing down there slots give me the book what did I tell you be fruitful and multiple that's a typo I said be fruitful and take it back why would I We've lost my mind, you know now?

Because of gluttons, everything has to have a warning label. 20 years ago there were no warning labels. Okay, true, we were okay, sure some people died, but we didn't need them. Water. a warning label water has a warning label water water water water water water how much writing is on your faucet how much are first look at all the writing on this water bottle look at it look at it I don't like that you look at the writing on this wall bottle look at it look at this look at this look at this look at all the writing on this bottle well how much writing is on your faucet yeah they're so afraid of being sued everyone is shoeing everyone I'm suing four people myself right now these class action lawsuits are great, You don't even know you're showing them to someone until you check your mail and there's a postcard: Will you win Best Buy in 2012?

I assume you also bought a flat screen. TV I think so, I may owe you money, I think so, where do I sign this important postcard? Then I tell everyone that people like, well, you know, you look exhausted. I say, well, I'm suing Best Buy. A lot of stress in my life let's get into closing arguments next week water is a warning look at it all written on a water bottle warning don't swallow the cap I think we can afford to lose those people it's the right time to lose some of the tapas gobblers now that There are less than 6.5 billion foreigners don't fill out because maybe some of us will realize that the old stuff tastes a lot like the new stuff don't put anything in there to protect yourself War warning this was bottled in a factory where there was once a penis penis I said penis warning warning this was bottled in a factory where there were once peanuts and oh peanuts could have fallen into the water there is a seafood factory next door the seafood could have walked up and dipped a finger in standing in the water warning the The boy who followed this could have had eggs for breakfast.

She was pregnant. Ask your doctor if you can drink water. It may or may not contain water. If you're still reading this, get help and water has an expiration date. Water cannot expire, it can evaporate. If you open it and there's nothing there, it's broken, but as long as there's something there, no one's going to break it. Don't drink water that has remained in a lake for thousands of years. These people put it in a bottle. You have three months. finish it and then throw it away this is the world gone crazy does any of this make sense to you yet?

I love the way you smile it's so easy it just appears he really has that's what I call a pre-mortgage smile thank you he smiles as easily as you and me it takes like a second we're gonna smile and then the world Drag our lips down. I get nervous every time I'm going to smile because when I was a kid I smiled at a girl and I got nervous and my lip got dry and got stuck on my table and every time I smile I think that's going to happen. I think it's going to get stuck, but you're a great guy, I really love how funny you are. you have and how carefree you are and you're like a cute little twinkle in your eye you probably still have dreams like these people who already have dreams flashbacks we have flashbacks of where everything went wrong when you're 20 you think I'm not going to finish like these old men.

I will live forever. I'll never be the guy who wears a Hawaiian shirt all year round. That's my favorite kind of man, who just gets old and goes to hell. I'm going to wear a Hawaiian shirt all year long take me to Tommy Bahamas give me the whole lineup there's a lot of them there's one in the back here's a third oh my god my audience has turned into a Jimmy Buffett concert thank you it better be you're nicer with millennials when you're young you want to know why you get fat when you get older food becomes the last joy you have left when I'm done eating I'm depressed because I'm further away from eating again you I know what I'm saying.

I love how excited you are. I think you look at a guy like that. This is a guy who's been through something. You can see it in your probably divorced. Yeah, yeah, there you go, kid. You have a son, right, yes, that boy ruined your face, that's what happened to that boy, how old are you? 55 55 I thought you were older, okay, no, no, no, look at me, look at me four years, people who are married and have kids, they always look down on people like me, they always say we found out he never let me tell them what I have that you have no silence I wake up every day I think what is that I don't hear what is that I look down, everyone is safe with my selfish day.

I didn't think your life was going to turn out like this, did it, no, none of us, none of us do that's what life does to you, but this is what you're supposed to have the arrogance of youth . I love it. You probably still have a lot of friends that you hang out with, laugh with, and have a good time with. Not the old ones. Why do you think they are here tonight? They have to do it. Pay a professional to laugh. I just ran into a microphone stand on my

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. Do you think my life turned out the way I wanted?

I have lost all my friends to marriage. Children. Sobriety. Gluten allergies. I have three friends left. Two. No. It's not even one I'm holding on to in case I need a kidney one day. I have a friend for parties. I call them kidneys by accident. I thought, Hey, Kidney, Kenny, did he go in there? Is that Kenny? You'll see what happens to you. You'll see how old you are Kenny 29. Yes, you're stupid too, life is going to destroy you. I wake up every day. I think why I drank last night and I didn't even drink. I've been hungover for the last 10 years, that one day when you're 29 you think I'm not going to end up like these old guys.

I will be relevant forever. I'm going to have the perfect light. I will never be in the hands of the IRS or the bank and I will marry the perfect girl, that's what you think, yes, and we will have perfect children and she would never cheat on me if she came from abroad. never my mom's hips go in the hole we wake up every day in a hole we just want to be at street level we just want to wake up not even feel pain not feel any pain that's all we want oh my god can I breathe?

However, I like getting older. You really have something to look forward to doing. You know what I mean? It's just nice to see the finish line. It really is. I almost joined the military last year by accident. Has anyone else done that? Anyone here surfing thanks for your service Yes, I said it, I said it first. I'm always the first to say it. I like to be first because then I feel like I get the most credit for it for all the service people that come to me. I went to thank her for her service and then as they approached I realized there were Girl Scouts in Unicode, better safe than sorry, what branch of the military do you go to?

Thanks thanks. How old were you when you came in? That is incredible. It's just that that takes a lot of courage as I get older I realize how much courage it really takes to enter that age. I didn't have it. I never thought about serving, but last year I was in Salt Lake City, Utah, and this guy runs out of the recruiting center he's on the other side of a parking lot it scared me go bro I want to join the army I thought who are you talking to he says I said I haven't even had my morning coffee yet I can't do anything before I drink my coffee.

I can't even make coffee until I've had a cup of coffee. Leave me a little. Sometimes I have to do a bad batch just to get to the good batch, so he said he wants to join the group. Army and he was dressed in that camouflage clothing, it scared me and I was like, first of all, I can see it, wouldn't it help the sales pitch if you were camouflaged like a car bumper or something? I'm too old, he said, uh, how old are you? I go, I'm 40 years old, he says, you look like you're 20 years old.

Come on, do I look as dumb as Kenny? I never thought about serving, but last year when that A guy said to me: do you want to serve for the first time in my life? I thought yes, yes I do it and that's when I realized we were recruiting the wrong people. I let the young people enjoy their lives. I sent people like me there. I lived long enough I don't care any

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I'm ready to die lol I know what we're fighting for I have the fire in my belly I want to start fighting in the 40th Brigade I want to put boots on the ground with ankle supports it will be the biggest army in the world because we won't care a bunch of us will run towards the enemy a bunch of old men in our Hawaiian shirts running to the right should make me show myself first that I'm sick of the life we'll have our flip flops flip flops flip flops flip flops flip flops flip flops they'll hear us coming a mile away thank you My dad just turned 70 years old.

We bought him an iPad for his birthday, that's the cruelest thing you can do to an older person, all the time he goes, where did he go? everything moved then my four year old nephew wiggles around touches something okay, he's back my four year old nephew is foreign tech support the kitchen genius takes my iPhone I think just by touching the screen, he found the App Store, he's downloading apps for kids, it cracked my password, it's a fingerprint, when are we going to use fingerprint on everything? because these passwords are getting difficult, when did websites start judging the quality of our passwords?

That's pathetic, you call it a passcode, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, well, meanwhile, my bank card, the only thing that has all my moneyIt's four numbers, but my Hilton Honors rewards account has to have a fingerprint and an exclamation point, it's something to cure. God forbid someone hacks and gets a free night at the Louisville Hilton on me, have you ever noticed that the older you get, the further away you get at the drugstore when you're a kid you don't even go in, you're out riding that horse for 50 cents what do you do next?

I know you're up against the back wall with the Walker balls and the diabetes socks and the pill cases so you know what day of the week it is. I'm sure eventually a wall opens and you just get sucked into a foreign nursing home. right next to that chair where they take your blood pressure, if the reading is too high the chair probably starts to move back, grab a thing of nuts on the way out, that's how you know it's over, if you're eating nuts, that's it the end. of the line there is no hope in that it is a black and white cover with a piece of dead wheat the prize is read inside glasses every time I see people in the blood pressure chair the elderly people, I think, whose brilliant idea was to convince the Older people sell their houses, they move into a motor home and drive all over the country, they are losing their vision and their reflexes, let's put them in the biggest vehicle they have ever been in I see those things coming I get out of the way I treat it like a ambulance I'll drive to the yards laughter this is the world and we're all the same we really are anyway I realized this the other day I was in Target, will you ever go to Target?

Yes, I love Target. First of all, I feel overwhelmed when I walk in there. There are too many options for how many different size Ziploc bags we need. There is a whole hallway when I was a kid there was one size if you didn't like it it was like that thank you now they have snack snack plosh quart three gallon jumbo triple jumbo they have one for the whole house you put the whole house in a bag and zip it up freezer freezer they will make anything to sell you

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freezer bags don't put the room temperature ones in the freezer that will void the warranty every year they come out with a new style this year they have it easy open flaps which means some people couldn't understand the zipper overseas, this was too hard for some people, people wrote and they made it easier, make it easier, thai detergent aisle, first of all this is what is wrong with this country, we have scented garbage bags, if your garbage smells trash take it out rotten food plus Febreze smells like rotten food plus foreign Febreze there are so many different detergents you can buy in the aisle now The Tide detergent aisle there are a million different scents there used to be an original penny now you have like fresh April they're making sense Months no smell no one's gone oh I smell like November how can I get that fresh April smell?

I love the people in the Thai detergent aisle because this, but this is everyone just smells they find the one they like they put it back and grab a new one from the back we're all the same we're all the same we're all the same we're all the same I walked into Target listen to this no there is common sense we have lost our minds we have become so stupid I saw a guy on a reality show this is what he said he says I'm going to turn my life 360 ​​degrees foreigner you go 180 you stop you go 360 your life coming

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circle, once go to 720, go to 1080. just go ahead and make a circle so you pass out of your dump.

I saw a guy on another reality show who was so drunk that he did it, he was uh, I'm so drunk, I'm short. not drunk abbreviated he's drunk his time on TV should be abbreviated I mean, we laugh about it, but it's a serious problem because little kids watch so much TV and you're learning silly secondhand stuff I walked into Target I walked into Target ready to this I went into Target I bought a lot of things I used a coupon paid with my American Express the guy says sir sir I need to see your ID I'm going to see what's going on well, you know, to make sure the card doesn't get stolen I said I just used the coupon Why would I use a coupon if my card was stolen?

Oh, you have me there. I was arrested 15 minutes ago. I assaulted the guy. I felt bad. I wanted to save you 75 cents on the new April tide. There is no common sense. Like every year, my cable bill goes up like a hundred dollars and I have to call and threaten to leave. I'm not even nice anymore. I just call them. Under the bill. They say. Who is it? Go. Now I am. the invoice, how do we know what your social network is? what is your address? what is your? I said I'm calling to reduce the Sorry, there are people stealing people's identities by calling and reducing their cable bills.

Is there some kind of epidemic? I don't know how to reduce my bill. Leave the notes. If someone calls to reduce their bill. Put it down. I don't care if someone calls by accident. Wow, the bill. They don't have to know my mother's maiden name. My shoe size. My first. pets pet you might call by accident my next call to you would be good, why did my bill go down? Oh, uh, a 12-year-old boy named Hudson called during recess. There is no common sense. I find myself making this face every day. Do you ever catch someone doing something stupid and you roll your eyes and they don't catch you rolling your eyes, so now you have to do it again even

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er?

There is no common sense. I got a ticket because thieves in Los Angeles are stealing the little registration year sticker from our plates, yeah, and you don't know you're missing the stickers because you don't go out to your car every morning, is my sticker still there? You don't know until you get a ticket, so I called the DMV. I said, "Hey, there's a mix-up." I got a ticket, but my car is registered until she leaves. Sir, you need to show him. I set up that her car is registered. I said: Sorry, am I talking to the DMV?

It's not a little piece of information that you should have and she says sir, it's policy, you need to send us a copy of her record. I told her I don't even know where she is. She said we would be happy to send you a copy of it. to send back this is the sick world I live in I didn't even open the envelope I just wrote Return to sender day is a fight it's a fight my printer broke I call customer service by the way have you noticed? when the cord goes out they don't try to fix it the first thing they do is try to bundle it up oh we notice you have phone service with us.

Would you like to have telephone service with us? No, because then I couldn't make this phone call right now fix my cable then sell me things I like when you call and the first thing you hear is please listen care

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y as our menu options have changed if your customers are memorizing your menu options fix your product my printer broke. Call HP, the first thing they say is if it's plugged in, oh yeah I'm an adult, did I do that? I called the Kitty line. It is this? The guy got nervous. It is going well. Can I ask what you are using the printer for?

I'm using it for ironing is that the problem uh I'm making Flapjacks sometimes I open the hood I put the dough in there and then I hit the footprint with my foot am I using it wrong to fix my tractor every day it's a fight every day? The day is a struggle I had, I had a fight with the waitress, I asked her, do I know what's good on the menu and then she didn't suggest anything that I wanted, so I had to have that discussion with her, I said, how's the burger? I don't know, I don't eat meat now she's going to turn my food into a political protest, she says, I'm a vegan, you know how they say it, every critic sometimes I'm a vegan, I'm doing well, I'm a Megan, you know what I told her, you know why I eat meat because we got to the top of the food chain, that's right, the cow had the opportunity to get up and learn a language like us, but the cow stayed down, the cow stayed down, you.

I know why I eat meat what's in the word meat eat the word is actually me eat couldn't be clearer unless they added the meat and extra H that's probably how a caveman chewing on a bison leg got his name one day The other one said: oh, what's this about him eating me, do I want him to eat something foreign? Do you know what is in the word vegan? Nothing, it's probably short for vegetables again, every day is a fight, which is why I like to do this when I'm here, this is the only part. of my day that feels good this is this is Justice for me the rest of the day is a fight it's a struggle people don't listen to me during regular hours say things I get in trouble all the time people don't love me the way I that love me, this is Justice, this is just I was in Chicago and a guy came up to me and said seven years ago, I saw you for the first time and I've come back every year to see you with the woman I met on a date to blind that first night and now we have a three year old and in that moment I realized how little I have done in the last seven years.

This is Justice. I don't have this in my real life. Life dating my last relationship ended because, well, we were different. I was a morning person and she was very complicated. Do I have to say it's complicated now? Do I have to clean it up for the stupid little Millennials and say she was complicated, she was complicated? beaten and foreign I was always in trouble listen I thought I was being romantic one night ready for this everything was bad she was even me you are me even when I wasn't being bad look at her put your arm around them say that to him all the time it's bad it's bad You get it all the time all the time we're not even being mean right?

I said and go hey, would you mind saving the half and half? She says, are you I didn't say hey half and half is not saved every day I thought that but I didn't say it I thought he was being romantic one night ready for him we are, we are hugging and she is very small and beautiful I say You are so soft it's like hugging a marshmallow I know, I know it's wrong now I thought I was being cute and romantic, you know, until I got the look from women, when you do something wrong, you get the look from them. just their neck snaps back like they couldn't be any further from you I had to start backing away I'm like uh like a marshmallow size two a stale marshmallow size two a rancid marshmallow strong and independent we have sex on the side marshmallow I I'm a marshmallow I'm a stupid marshmallow I want to know the last thing he said to me when we broke up.

The latest thing is that she was retrieving the keys to my house. Now people say things in the heat of the moment. This was bad. She looked at me and said: Do you want to know why you never became a comedian? because you're me and I thought, well, thank God, she thinks I'm funny because I can fix funny, you have to be born. with that that would have broken my heart she says you didn't make it because you're not funny that would have devastated me we are not that intelligent women if you want to live a happy life okay, take the example of the marshmallow okay yes I want to be happy with him, that's Sometimes you think it's bad and you want to be happy, you want to be happy, right?

It's so simple that all women have to do to be happy in this life, whatever your expectation of a man is, it's foreign, that's the lowest. To the ground lower it lower your bar lower your bar lower your bar men we can meet the ground we can meet the ground we wake up in the hole every day anyway we'll stay there we're not that smart why do you think? Our shirts have pockets on the outside so we know which one is right. I met a guy once who drove a truck. He was just trying to make conversation.

I ask you, what do you drive? an F-150, he goes to 250. Yo, what's the difference? He goes. 100. those are my people those are my people in the whole bar and we are arrogant every time I go out with my married friends if a beautiful woman walks by one of them she will leave ma'am if I wasn't married if you were you wouldn't you got married what you couldn't get when you weren't married that's why you got married are you going to call his number like you used to when you weren't married? men they like they like to look at other women and when they get caught they say things like well, I'm not dead, yes, you're seeing it, that's what happens to men, we see virility in life like getting women, the Women are more evolved, you want to settle down, right?

You want the white picket fence that we see. that fence that we think I have to paint that every year can't be what you want us to be you want that romantic boy the boy from the movies every kiss starts with k boy that boy has ruined more relationships you want to know what killed romantic terrorism Well, Now the guy can't chase the girl to the airport like in the movie anymore, he has to sit outside on the sidewalk texting her. I've decided "I love you, you're the one, but you have to get out there because I can." I'm not getting past security, damn there's a cop behind me okay I have to go to the cell phone waiting parking lot when you get out text me and I'll come in like in the movies with the flower we can't be what you want us to be you want that romantic boy the great proposal so you can tell your friends girls love to tell their friends interesting things,true, each girl first of all women are very intelligent because they work together as a group and each girl has a small subgroup you have a committee each girl has a committee and when she goes out on a date she comes home the committee has many foreign questions everything What we have is a friend who just wants to see a photo that no guy has come home from a date and her friends tell me all about what she was like.

Does she have any hobbies? Is she close to her family? don't go to the photo and does she have cute friends that I can go out with? Do you want romance? Someone proposes that you don't know, isn't that so strange? I went out to eat at a fancy restaurant sitting there, the fancy restaurant having a good time. I'm, you know, sitting there with marshmallows, so there's some pressure from her committee and uh. The guy next to me decides to ruin the night by proposing and he couldn't get the ring out. This stupid F-150 guy didn't rehearse to get the ring.

He was trapped in his pocket. He is sweating like me. He says duh. I have a question. I'm like this guy is having a seizure. All the women knew what was happening because they can smell a proposal from miles away. It's a proposal. Someone's dream is coming true. This way, this way, come on, bring the boxes of tissues. All the guys in the place were like I don't need this tonight so now we all turn to see the big moment when the guy got down on one knee and proposed to her and she said no oh that's the best thing I've ever seen my life.

Happier to be so close to the lowest point of someone's life. I was like get in the hole, get a hole, get in. The hole I didn't think could get any better and then all of a sudden the waiter started coming out with a shiny cake, he had to do a U-turn, it's like supporting the mission. , abort the mission, abort the mission, abort the mission, how did the boy not know Canada? The boy didn't know how the boy didn't know how the boy didn't know women like you. You know when they want something. You don't tell us why you like to play a little game called clue.

You find out. foreigner and you better figure it out like a woman doesn't ask to move into your house oh no, no, no, no, no, she starts a little pile in the corner and then they want a drawer. I imagine them sitting with the committee going towards Julian. Did you get a crate again? You took your toothbrush and stuck it in the bathroom like we did with the flag on the moon. I'm here, so they take their hair and throw it everywhere. My kitchen. My bathroom. My roof. Foreign. God created. women's hair so that men do not deceive we love you women but we can never be what you want us to be we are too simple we are not intelligent when we meet women you know what we do we try to change you overnight women I know you can't change a person, true, true, but you can break it, that's what they do.

They take years, they find a guy who's good enough and they sizzle him, they chisel and chisel and chisel and sizzle and Santa and Santa and Santa. and don't wear the Hawaiian shirt to the

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show why do you think kids like mowing the lawn so much that they would rather listen to crazy things? It's the same reason you guys blow dry your hair for so long that it can't take that long. You'll probably keep getting your hair wet so you can stay in there. I can't take another word from him, why do you think that thing is shaped like a gun?

He won't shut up, we love you women, but we can't be what you want. We try, we can't understand you, you are too delicate, you are like that string of lights on the Christmas tree where if one of the bulbs is off, the whole operation is ruined, you make a mistake, it just goes off and you don't. I know what light bulb it is you have to guess is this the problem is this the problem is this the problem is this the problem is this the problem is this the problem is this the problem is this the problem is just a problem and the The dumb man is like fuck it.

I'll go buy a new one. I'm sorry, I'm trying to tell you. Capricious women. Men actually get better with age. It's biological. You want to know what happens as you get older. Suddenly, television commercials. I start talking to you right now you don't listen to them one day you'll be sitting it's like you're a man over 40 that's me what's happening it's all good you don't have as much energy as you used to have No I'm exhausted what is it? Do you still print things? Yes, I do. You may have a treatable condition called Low T. Whoa, take low testosterone.

They're making this up, it's like gluten and Santa Claus. Does not exist. This is what happens to men as we age, it's natural and they talk about it like it's a bad thing, wow, tea is the best thing that can happen to men, every bad decision I made was high, k foreigner, Ty is a blessing, high tea destroys lives, nothing. bother Low T man I'm driving someone bothers me in traffic Low T guy keeps going I'm going on a date I don't think he likes me very well I'll understand I was asleep tonight you want to be happy down your bar we'll lower our teeth let's meet halfway we can do it thank you foreigner it's been a long road and I really can't thank everyone enough who's been here for me and uh thank you so much okay thank you