Mitchellian rants and outbursts - David Mitchell on Would I Lie to You?

powerful for a day, tell me why Brett was the first to put on the liquid soap. the flannel under your arms on a Monday your initial bubble bath did you remember but all the time no one runs out of liquid soap, just like my boy anyway? I know you're saying you could say you knew they were fictional, but they were based on a real animal called the one ball. I thought maybe it was based on the fact that in real life they made their burrows like condoms. The reality, of course, most creatures die because of the garbage that ordinary people leave behind.

The only way the Wombles did a lot of bad things is if there's a medical-age woman, people litter, yeah, people say, well, maybe I was going to trash this properly, but maybe the Wombles can they make an extension, yes, that's exactly what I say when people do it. Dogs dress like this nowadays, so you can be sure that they may have only trained Womble. Yes, in the story, it wasn't just poor old Womble bewildered, but someone put in an adoption glass, he put in his own. I'm glad he went for the water, a lot of patience and reading glasses, of some things every day, the focus abandoned their application and they did it, instead she's not sure she found the glasses they found .the column looking at Vanguardia is exactly the right person old MANET the young rebel in common a belonging or what is his excuse hilarious incredible no they don't make me with the Wombles out there brilliant I must make it clear that I did not think about the children's program or the documentary program for children in that dance was based on a real man in Greece, for example, a bear is a real mammal, but Yogi Bear is not a fairy.

His family gained their first GCSE at the age of 50. The question was: "give three examples of a mammal." from a game show it's not like this for GPS surely the question what energy

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n't it be cs50 gives us an example of three mammals today but basically why do you think it's so easy why such a cruel intellectual am he You didn't disappoint me but We all know what an illusion is and the disappointment of the entire nation is repeated. You know tennis is difficult. I'd just like to say that I

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n't necessarily win a Wimbledon practice, so much for Tim Henman.

I studied well as expected, but. No, again, I'd say Tim Henman is relatively good at any professional droppy, take a look through those Helen your sister gave you, unlike what you have, real Scotty, went to your network and this and micro , even in probably quite disheveled. condition will be worth a lot more than fifteen pounds yes we have money all of you at the micro Sun let's do how many of you are eating a ton of you sharing fifteen pounds of tavern diet worth fifteen pounds we all had a great time I spoke widely and no I showed it to you in this offer.

I'm Mike Rover, everyone's food, he said quietly, you can play here. My appeal is time to be a little, you know, a little generous. I'm giving away the car. one of your friends said: I'll give you the 15 pounds. I'll pay you, sure, but since you can't, you owe me, you can't give it to me next week. I want something in return. Now, that's actually, I have our I'm kitsch. I have my shirt to be embarrassing. Take off my shirt. I hope we have the car. You're a. I have such a terrible singing voice that one year my teacher told me to mime during our school Carol comes in a variety of carols oh there are a few about it we just felt happy at the first stop just one song no no , I know you're right Lee, I sang some of them like an angel, what an old faithful would just scream. the word dogs like Marmite Dolly is a useful line of research.

Thanks, go to the dogs like you like sausages. I mean, sorry for turning on, all dogs hate Marmite, it can't be true. I don't want anyone on the planet who can answer that question. doctor, you don't think there is anyone silicone planogram, you know like mom, no, me neither, I don't want this time as a reprimand about whether anyone knew whether or not all dogs could or could not Marmite, you know well, add arms, that is. It's practically just the other side of the coin, mother, no, no, this is intercourse, all the dogs hate Mark, there are dogs, okay, mother, all those dogs have a vision similar to Marmite, as humans throw traps.

Someone is now in the series because you never get into a conversation. either way, twins are always down, just don't do it slowly, slowly, some dogs will almost certainly like Marmite and some won't, for example I'd say, but there's no cats like baked beans, are you usually wrong ? I went into the refrigerator and actually ate a bowl of baked beans. I swear on my life. Maybe I'm wrong about cats and babies. What I'm saying is that there are some foods that many humans like that other species will never eat, so what? I'm saying that different species are different things, but it's a possum that said that humans, the things that humans, these and other animals delve into, all other animals like those who work well together, in that case you should change your mind , this program has taken on a tone of civil unrest. offense anarchy at the gates David, of course, nuance control, your team to call the UN.

I can't, I can't vouch for my team anymore, why were you looking for bats in a cave in Sri Lanka? Were you looking to eat them? It's funny, you should say they had bats on the hotel menu. They had a pretty grim way of catching them, which is to dangle hooks from above. Did you go alone? Yeah, so you called for help and Steve was walking. Beyond the entrance, Steve, a lovely guy, was staying at the hotel and heard my screams. Did demons catch bats with a line? I need to spray them with something. I'll go to our pebbles.

I think I think there are a lot of ruins. the integrity of the individual bat as a starter or main course a machine gun bullet zebra machine gun doesn't really spoil it remover where were you camping somewhere in the bright districts? I think it was called Lake District, we have a couple It doesn't make sense that what you said is wonderfully correct with the tent. I woke up without a tent. Do you know what happened to said store? Well, that's a good question. To this day we do not know what happened to that time. Oh my God, you with everything.

I tell you things, no, no, so let me guess, I know what was stolen, we don't know, I hear it, you don't think I blew you away, so you woke up without a tent, you assumed it was foul play, no We were so deep. asleep others there was a gale we carry on like this someone is different you are affecting backwards and that alone I would say you are telling the truth I'm sorry when it doesn't sneak up on you Kumasi fast that's David special attire look smart David specialist you We're never going to escape that .

Now everyone sees this. We will see you like any beta. My entire image has been destroyed by the program. I was like a cool guy who is music and Bob Marley shows everything. about death is from the 18th century, it is not about having a little bell that came out of the trip wearing only the tip of the iceberg in this tradition before the death of its goldfish. I wasn't the pathetic cause of whether other fish survived, yes, yes, that's what I have a pond in the garden. Yes, I was there. The pond has nothing to do with the death of the goldfish, but how many fish were in the pond?

Only one. I'm not going to sit together in the pond when he died. No, sorry, John Fish. It wasn't a pole goldfish, it was a goldfish bowl, so they don't go as low as a candy office where Billy lives, the Gulf lives in a goldfish bowl, the goldfish bowl, if a goldfish lived in a fishbowl, why is his death commemorated by pouring brandy into an alternative gold because when the goldfish died, the weddings in the bowl, does any fish live in the pot or curl any fish in the pond because if you pour brandy in a pond , they will get tired and die too, so it's a legit question, it didn't make sense, right, the original fish died because of the brandy, it will be rewarded by facing the post, but the amount of brandy I pour into the pond, yeah, it's like the weakest core you can drink.

In fact, Fisher drank the whole thing. time yes, so no brandy brandy is what brandy and water diluted Brandee is no longer a brand are you saying when you put it on during brandy your makeup no longer Bradley Cody yes what kind of 1970s porn world are you in this last question by what to commemorate the devil's goldfish right, the death of gold doesn't matter no, I don't care, but I suspect you don't care either oh, I do care, but it's master-wife why does a goldfish look like a husband and then she told me a favor my dear husband show your respect for this fish he loved so much by slowly pouring a shot of brandy into the pond of these other fish he secretly hated I wish it were worse The switch is on the wall so It is not directly but slightly behind the TV.

You just have to be tempted to touch it to see what it does. He's not that distracted. You know, it's bright red. I'd say it's about three quarters of the TV. An inch or an inch wide that looks like a hooker switch, it's a little bit like that, so the switch is raised in an attractive way that you might want to have it in another position, you would have to press it down exactly, oh. That's always scarier and if your house falls down, I would assume that whatever happened was happening this way. I'd be afraid to say it.

That would be horrible. I might need it. You know, in turn, you know he's never come close. He has never touched it He has approached it very nervous I don't live in a very big apartment I can't cordon off an entire area here I'm a serious change I need that space How long has it been? You were in your apartment and ignored this change. Well, I moved to fat about eleven years ago. A long time to ignore so many things, but sometimes I do other things. It's not just about solidly ignoring change 24 hours a day. Oh, I would.

When you press that switch, you can't not play the violin and the ethics there you have to play with that. Yes, I remember cleaning up an episode of this show when David talked about how the door to his room didn't have a handle and he had to scratch it. a door opens every time you open your room door yeah so they won't bother changing if you live in a poor neighborhood so I say from 8:30 if they paid proper snooze fees by Dave , it would be different, anything on my face, oh, you're probably next to a boxing glove, no, love, you think people won't want to get drunk, look, did you have fun, how much attention did you get from enough people?

I think you know quite a few people by heart. it works oh no no no yes yes how much warning no sobbing no yes I was a genuine woman I wasn't Howard Oh everyone thought I was adorable the way everyone looked I was never the first but then I felt like a princess I live next to the canal and the like the swans are very dissatisfied with their dignity, other weapons are crazy, yes please Conrad, everyone knows about this, but if you make friends with hyssop, the first thing you know you would be friends is when the wings rise like this and then , generally, The next thing they do is like this, then I make leg warmers, wow David, they would break your arm if you went with me mostly, yeah that's hot, thanks, they break your arm and then the Queen eats them, maybe a swan could do it. slide it over your foot and maybe a swan would get a tremendous ride thanks to this incredibly thin, flimsy, short piece of material that travels a considerable distance from its really quite long legs because that's what happens to your mental game, You say, can you start thinking, oh yeah? of course, the fact that Swan said and it seems impossible is exactly what it means, so Rob, yeah, if it's true, yeah, I don't care.

Liam Gallagher once ordered a trampoline from hotel room service saying I like bouncing. Do you believe it? leacy trampoline room. I love the idea, that's true now. I think the trampoline is a good thing because bouncing is a good thing, right? Yes, jumping up and down, so morally I think it's morally neutral. Yes, I would say that bouncing up and down is not like recycling. It's a good thing, don't feel guilty, you know, not diapers, let me give you a price if he was staying at the Malmaison, a support cell in Edinburgh. A problem with hotels like Malmaison hotels.

I think they are great because I will try to take him to a trampoline instead of going. What are you talking about? This is a hotel. Do you want to order something from room service? Do you want an ironing board? Do something normal of course, you might not have a trampoline David has never been to McDonald's, life is great though, of course it would be if I were to visit Lee, could you let me read the autocue? No joke, there's everything, although he was once slightly tempted to stop by and try his short. - lived a simulated peasant zinger, drowns out the computer, my car used to have problems because it was a problem jar and I thought I stopped well, I stopped and went around the back because I used to have to press the engine to go forward and we all took a while more, wewe stopped, so I said, I'm just going to go in the back, so you need a hammer to hit it and when I backed up I said, say, I thought it would be fun to say, no.

Worry, I'm not going to kill you, get back in the truck. I have a hammer. I went back to the front and as I walked past the car with the engine, I looked at Los Angeles and just ordered it. He fights back a small tear because I think he really thought I was going to kill him and was a little worried he might be brilliant. That is a very strange response to immediate mortal danger. A little more. In the end, it's a wonderful life. Here I am. I'm going to die it seems like just a slight sprout oh well all things come to him, there was a knock on your dressing room door, right, so what happened when the door opened?

I thought, oh my God, they're going to come get me. and say come on go out and cover yourself and make some jokes even though you were gone and then that's why this is a bit you won't believe it I thought they were going to find me and then I saw a lion who doesn't know what I'm interested in oh yeah , you didn't stay in the closet indefinitely, you know because it would have been ridiculous for you to come out and you should have found it and here I did, it wasn't really Anthea, they went looking for me, no.

Firing only the floor manager was a very normal professional relationship, rather he is building his intimacy with Anthea Turner. I don't think they exchanged any words, even in the lying world where all this happened, which is not the world we live in. we're living in Narnia it's more believable Jodie Marsh has a degree in golf course management from the University of Birmingham to be honest Jodie Marsh strikes me as someone who wouldn't particularly mind people noticing if Lee shows up like that and someone looks Her tits, oh, get out there, you know, I'm actually pretty skilled at golf course management, taking me seriously, one episode showed an internet-connected toaster that recorded a weather forecast on your toast, tomorrow it will be cloudy that's it. sick that's really I imagine what it would be like and I imagine about 10 times better than that I don't think it's brilliant it could get addictive every morning don't open the garden and then it appears it might go away no I'm on them you said no It seems like you have to work hard to make things fun.

Oh, I can't wait until a vague shape on my toes gives me this idea. Well, the weather could be like that. Then I'll open the curtains. It will be different and it will be fun, so they call it weather modification. What I don't understand is that Paul McCartney is doing this concert for money. Isn't he going to go? He is doing a music tour for money. his work, people are going to come see him sing "good morning sunshine", whatever the weather, why is it worth spending $40,000 to get rid of the clouds? You know, Arthur, look, I have $25,000 here that we can get rid of. the clouds or is it vodka for everyone it is always sunny when you are angry you will be a correspondent I will be a correspondent in today's news today's news we find about what correspondence a story made in memory today you have to talk about the URL oh sorry baby network society it really has to be metal talk about doing it with a certain level of knowledge today today I remember that the areas correspond today why you say today Begay tomorrow you know I heard today today No Tell him he breathes, okay, so we are at the Safari Park, the car in the lion enclosure, we're in the safari park, in the car pool area, you're, you're getting all worked up for that boom, yeah, it's nice, Cape thing, the response the baboon enclosure would have.

I was surprised I didn't explain I can defend myself Stupid question Do you think he wants the gift shop? Oh, lessons to show you the comfort in this. You are one more, thank you. Simon the groom and Peter Duncan once had a fight in Blue Peter's garden. after a fight over a BBC parking space there in an argument over the parking spaces they are filming the piece in the garden why does the fight start there? Then I mention that you will have an agreement with someone if we don't agree with my grades on someone, but that's okay.

I can, you won't agree with me right now, so that's how it is, no, you just know we both mean the same thing, but then you realize, but I think to be fair to them, it says it's about a parking space, but clearly. They didn't get along, rumors said he was probably jealous. Oh Peter, maybe they really did get along deep down, there was a lot of love there and a lot of complicated feeling love, it seems, and Haven is fighting. under the touch of a star, touches another human and then the fight starts to turn a little loving and you know, so doctor, I can answer that you scratch each other's clothes and then they fall in the pond, everything is final, no There is sex, right?

I called John again. Joe, I don't defend myself against my grandfather when I was a child. Growing up, my parents had all these Jack Russells too, but they were called Daisy and Feely and I hated having to take me for walks. You know, walking your dogs when I was a teenager. You've got a shout out to Daisy Daisy as the pretty, busy girl who walks part of her dog. You look like a fool. I'm not convinced you look stupid. Are you allowed to give dogs frivolous names? The people they call. Ruvo wants us to connect. the one she named Andrew she always I've always liked the idea of ​​giving a dog a human collar it's incredibly sensible overwhelmingly sensitive Have you given your dog a last name?

Take the national insurance number for your work. I totally believed you had a dog culture. I do. You don't even have a dog named John no I don't you don't have a dog really look no one would make up a dog name like John would you have a dog? I don't know, if you had a dog, would you give it a very name? normal dog name or my most individual favorite I don't know I haven't I just made a decision early in my life don't think about dog names before you get a dog don't get distracted when you're supposed to do your taxes You I'll say what I might normally do instead of thinking of a name for my first seven dogs this is the bogeyman that almost killed me pass my phone why getting old bounced oh yeah why did you decide to stay Yes, because I thought it would be a good anecdote.

I was clearly wrong about the timing of the shoulder pain. You know, when your shoulder has been hurt, probably smashed by the boogeyman. You think I should keep it for anecdotal reasons. I don't want to. Be rude, but this is a coconut that fell from a tree, hit me on the shoulder, but obviously if it hit me on the head in the right place, I could have died. It's not as interesting a story as do you think maybe I could look at the bogeyman? answer if only I had your head, it's not true, my God, oh no, no, I won't talk about just talking.

I'm not going to throw these clogs all over your head and hit you on the shoulder really hard and I guarantee you have to trust me, David, no one is. insured for that to happen why we with the chimpanzee was visiting a zoo in South Africa and the trick that the chimpanzee could do was play ball at that time of day like its summer day yes, I saw the monkeys before going to sleep, you refuse to answer I don't refuse but I'm thinking about it for a while because I don't know if you mean that South Africans have more time in English.

I think there is a time difference. You mean South African time. I mean 11 o'clock. the time I think I saw you throw me because there is no copyright the last call the time is a zoo on the occasion of your game normally I can fly over the years I have been using this hammock made with carts and things are there to say lies moment of pleasure swing board the chimpanzee no one ever said what time of day but they kicked me out for a second most people go chimpanzee swing ball tell us more interesting person different that's why when you tell that as an anecdote in the pub people go with it's polite to accept why are you in South Africa what time of day am I a harder time of day couldn't be two chimpanzees getting drunk listen to this only quarters are squeezed right why are you going through your zoo? pop trips Oh, what a job, I'll tell you.

I prefer to be a traveler because one morning they bring my house home as nothing more than a bunch of photos and pleasure. We're going to the British Museum for stock week. Things are open afterwards. the pub we would have to do we have been drinking since we arrived you had a busy lunch without a busy morning we started at 11 arrest me right it would be nice to find a sensible reason to explore with any of the forces no is the no, let's be clear about that yes, I keep it I have it I didn't listen I probably think oh that's your problem yes what is David going to say it just rings true did you play football sir?

I know you don't place now that fashionable area to play a bit at school, yes I absolutely hated it, but I was usually a bit vaguely on defense, oh I'll be standing there coolly, some of the bigger boys will crash next to me at the goal and then he'll come back to the middle and you rest a little bit, you bite Sylars chess club, you die, but he wasn't very good at chess, so he's really, yeah, a pathetic physical specimen and his intellect isn't all that creative either, but he's quick in the way the media selects people for prominence.

Here I get paid to rent a horse and then at the end when you tried to return the horse they said what the hell are you doing? I've been trying to get rid of Psych around here, we thought the guy gave the horse hoes for raids. and I'm back quite late but I'm surprised, I mean I've never been on holiday in Bulgaria but I imagine things will be a bit cheaper in Bulgaria than in Britain, we're not surprised it costs you the equivalent of £90 to hire a horse for 25 minutes, there's 25 minutes for each type of service, right, we check that it's made for the horse, 125 militate, but still, even if you thought you'd get 25, maybe it starts like obviously, oh, so now You give the horse a rest like me. he said let's forget the 25 minutes, absolutely obviously, you take the horse back, boy B, that's the boy you met on the way to the faisal, she's gone, he's gone, there's no sign of him, so he's a boy Well, we hide it as part of you. bother going to the stables it's going a few hundred meters away look we rented this horse for 25 it's an exorbitant fee here's what they were the ones who invited the police they would have picked up the horse I would say no those people aren't random old man where the mysterious Monica was.

I would have thought that logical key when you were a lawyer, having thought it had come from the Senate. We've been lucky not to have to walk to the barn before hiring him, you might have a minor idea. Well, the stables where he has to come back to himself instead of well, this is where we sat 300 yards away mistake, okay, what a local point that way you know you're staying with Rob. May I ask what the point of this exercise is to see if I am lying correctly? Wendy because obviously you're going to be able to go oh no, I don't want a drink visiting, you're not going to be so addicted to soda that you can't help but go home and I do. again it was children telling the truth what a beautiful opportunity because how often have you seen a grown woman taking her first sips of a sugary carbonated drink?

This may be the age that I think it will probably be when she was four five six seven. of four years old when she was 4567. You know I'm still in my childhood as a god. The problem is that some children are shy and others are reckless. Deterrence and the end, but to save the lives of reckless children, the warm-ups are calibrated. for their safety, the result of which is that the timid live in a state of perpetual Tara, do it well. She needed to be told, you know, most of Daisy won't die, she's fine, no, you know, she was never going to break up. crossing a three-lane highway, you know, it's the existence of a three-lane highway in the same zip code as me that made me not want to leave it aside, you'd probably wait about three weeks before swimming after a meal , yes, yes, no.

I'm having ice cream in the afternoon and then I think why well, I probably shouldn't swim for the rest of the holiday and then someone says that when I was an adult you have to wait, it's all up to me, you can swim and eat I think. she went to college with David he threw up on that cop Rachel isn't throwing up on people's carpets she's a classy actress the only thing we can say about the vomiting is that everyone is done including the queen is in the freezer Come hurry to the image of her in the minds of the people Total Majesty coming out one afternoon and evening makes me sick with my crown falling and people taking it out giving her a ring the tragedy of this moment is that as a result of this I will now remember that the Colors don't prove that a system works well, yeah, I mean. certainly you have a system now I have a service I will remember PO it is red bigger than a mailbox you see it is green because it is like a deep sea that is not green but I might be thinking where you have a purple urgent member oh yes oh scary it sounds more like yellow that the others if it's not another yellow I'll never be able to forget what kind of pants you were wearing if that's not too sexy a question, I don't want to sound like I'mdoing things above I don't remember exactly what I don't remember what pants you found it's not a mental image that stays with you well I love the planet the PI is on in my opinion because I would remember that they didn't come up I was bidding on the girl on the subway, what?

What points do you notice in the PI? You know, it's only five minutes, eight minutes or something until my stop, so at some point something had to be done right, can you point out? I don't know well, you sat in a es In general, that was not the darkest, gradually you realized, yes, yes, I know, let I really have an IP in your package, even if you don't believe it, you don't need get mad about it, oh right, break it up, so here it is. What would happen if you three came forward? Do you know how it would run?

I'm not wearing pants right in the middle of Christmas Day. She says she's had enough. We have made the presence. Have you made that lunch? She ever made lunch. So what would be the time of who's thirsty? Well, then, before the queen, oh, we don't do the Queen in my family. I'm so sorry David, many thanks to the Queen. No, will she do it when she is head of state and minister? .6 per hour if you skip the trumpet part this wasn't Christian you know look at the Queen sweet checks you're eating a pizza you're having a picnic she kept the fake tree as umbrella wine that way it's barely worth earrings about B if I'm wrong if I'm wrong Christmas is over so suddenly you're all a game for God's sake song beyond tragedy you just laugh at death okay okay guitar yourself oh I'm so married oh no my wife is going to kill Yo, this could be it for my marriage, tell me now, no more horrible stupid games, thank you very much, I bet you would respond, huh, what bathroom just had a loud shower and you hear that, you would just do a little thing with the towel But do you say hello?

It really wouldn't come, let's leave ourselves stringy and cute white walker jobs. They hire me to keep the sarcastic energy going, well these are full of people trying to get people who don't want to dance to dance at weddings and they go and dance for you. I really want to know I really don't know what