Junk- Cars And Valet Parking. Chad Thornsberry - Full Special

Okay, chubby, I didn't say that, that's a joke, but of all the things I'll say on any of my shows, that's the joke. people have a problem with that, it's completely made up, it didn't happen that way, but that's the case. A woman came to see me after a show one night, she's about five foot two and weighs about three forty, I don't have a problem in the world with that. I don't care, she said. I didn't appreciate your joke about the fat girl. She said you can't judge people like that. You wouldn't know it if you looked at me, but I'm a dietitian.

You're right. You overlooked that. My wife ordered inspirational. checks from the other day and I think you should have a certain amount of money in the bank before you receive the checks. It's very hard for me to take advantage of the day when I have 48 dollars staring at me, you know, whatever life throws at you. the ability to bounce back I don't want the word bounce written on any check that I'm trying to give someone, I told her at home the other day and uh she was like my computer stopped working and she's like oh call Leanne's husband, he can fix anything with computers, okay, so my truck makes this rattling sound, call Sherry's husband, he's a mechanic.

I'm like, does that ever bother you? You're not going to be that story in someone else's house. What are you talking about? There is never a couples center. weapons in hunting what happens? I just wish I could write some jokes about Pictionary and puzzles. Oh, call Dana's husband. That's what he does. I don't know how I ended up this way. Not really. I blame my brother. Actually, yes. a brother who is five years older than me, he received all the toys when they were new and if your younger brother or sister sees people who are no longer, you don't buy another new toy, the broken things are kept in the back of the closet.

For years, you know, so he had a brand new CNC right out of the box and you put the marker on the animal and you pull the string and it makes a sound, the animal when I got mine, the marker on the animal and the sound. They don't even match anymore You want to make sure a kid repeats kindergarten You give them a broken sea and tell them it's almost a guarantee Listen to the cat I read an incredible story about a guy who was killed by his cat He's making his dinner The Cat walks across the counter, drops a loaded gun and falls to the floor.

He shoots himself. He hits him on the head. He kills him. That's tragic. I get it, but if you're a man and you have a loaded gun and there's still a cat walking around. Your fault that not everyone appreciates that. I have to be very honest with you. If anyone here was sincerely upset by the cat-killing joke, I'd like to apologize for it, but there's a part two, so buckle up, here we go, my friend. a cat and I just couldn't stand it, I'm not a cat lover, I don't like it, so every time she went to her house and I sat down, she would try to go around my foot, so she wouldn't look.

I tried to kick it, but they're very fast, so when my foot extended she was already on TV watching me, so I walked by one day and she was up, so I thought, do you know what's going on? In it she said they killed my cat, right? What really happened? She said they crushed it on the garage door like, oh, what a slow kick. My first CNC had a wolf and a coyote. They both expect a preschooler to be able to tell the difference between a wolf and a coyote, I can't do that now, the only difference is that I know it's a wolf that will hunt smaller animals primarily at night, unlike a coyote, and will get a paintbrush and paint the side of a cliff to look like a train tunnel.

In about two seconds, anyone here under the age of 25 says, what does that mean? What's that? I don't know if you guys would notice when I come in here, but I'm a little lame and telling the story, it's not, oh, listen what. She's been hearing what she's overcome, but I'll tell a story because before this incident that I'm getting ready to tell you happened, I hadn't spent a night in the hospital literally since the day I was born. I have been extremely extremely. lucky you, but when you've been out of the hospital systems for so long and then you're forced back in, you don't know how hospitals work and I gotta tell you, I'm not that big of a fan, I stop. the morning of my surgery and the guy is fine, you have to go to the second floor, go to the

parking

lot, press the blue button on the machine to find out what your ticket is, what ticket, your

parking

ticket, I have to pay to park in The hospital, yes, it is. billy joel playing inside or something healthy no but when you leave if you validate this you will save a dollar fifty oh perfect because I'm sure that when I leave here in three days that's what will worry me is where is my dollar and a half, you know , the surgeon comes to the smartest man I have ever met in my life.

He knows more about what he's preparing to do to me than anything he could possibly know. Do you ever want to know what he can't do? I can't use the pronoun we correctly because it tells me Chad, you and I are on a team, we're going to work together, the first thing we're going to do is as a doctor, we're not going to do anything, you went to Harvard Medical School. go to provo utah to tell c and tell jokes for money that's you and i'm fine with that how about you give me something that's going to knock me out and do whatever you think you should do?

He's like he's telling me what's going on. it's going to happen and this is what we're doing and he keeps reaching into his pockets and as he's talking he pulls out a marker and writes r-o-k on my leg and I'm like please tell me you're not trying to spell the word rock for some reason and he's like: No, those are my initials, why are you signing my leg? He's going in that direction when we take you to the operating room, we know for sure which leg to operate on, we're not using these fancy machines here, you know?

The trailer park guy gets a marker is: What's going on? What if you can't find it? What would happen if you left it in your office? I was looking at him like a mirror, he was kind of backwards, I don't know which way to go, I don't know, so he goes on and walks away, the nurse comes in and she said, uh, Chad, you know, I just want to tell you that you filed wrong. your paperwork you left a question blank who you would like us to contact in case of an emergency and I said how about another doctor?

I'm a little worried that I have to tell you that in all honesty she's doing well uh your last blood draw came back everything looks fine um good luck wow what good luck it is that she doesn't come back. I'm not stuck with the parking lot guy. Am I like not? That's just something we say, no, that's what the waitress told me last night at the Mexican restaurant. I know how that night ended. Good luck, but like I said, I'm very lucky. Everything went very, very well until I stayed home a couple of weeks later and got the first build. mr thornsbury if your insurance doesn't cover this this will be the amount you will be responsible for 186 thousand dollars well yeah good luck oh wait give me that on the back it comes to minus fifty dollars.

I have a daughter from a previous marriage. marriage, my wife has two dogs from a previous marriage, so we had to take the new family photo, which is fine, I love my family, but it bothers me the kind of poses photographers put you in. No one has ever leaned against a tree like this. It never happen. I always did that finger tied to the fence post. Let me tell you something. I grew up on a farm. I have fixed many fences. If I ever work with my dad and he looks down. He looks at me and I look at him doing this thing that's like kicking ass in a hayfield.

I just had to ask the photographer why you put us in poses like that. I just like things to look natural. This is what he expects you to do. I think for our nature family photo, he had me walk through the woods with a camera and tripod. He comes across an abandoned barn, in front of this barn, our strategically placed railroad sleepers, on these sleepers, from the lowest to the highest, there is a family of five looking at him. smiling wearing matching sweaters you know how creepy that would be in real life you stumbled upon that two days before I got married uh one of my best friends sent me an article that was about a couple that got divorced and now what the judge did to him gave the wife 86 of the marital estate gave the husband 14 but let the husband choose whatever 14 percent he wanted took like you know, televisions and

cars

and things like that, but what if it was ever me?

I would take my 14 but only if it is going to affect it directly 86 percent what you want the dryer well I want the dryer door I'm going to go to the refrigerator I'm going to take the straws out of all the Capri Suns all of those are mine give them here open the I lifted with a fork like the pioneers did I don't know what to tell you you want the truck okay I'll grab the brakes I tried to help my wife plan our wedding I learned a lot about myself that I didn't know I don't know I found out I was color blind because she sent me to the store to bring something that was cornflower and I brought something that was periwinkle because apparently I'm a raging lunatic and I can't believe how upset she is about this.

I can't tell the difference between these two colors. Hey, I didn't know those were colors. Well, this one obviously has purple. No, you know what's obviously purple. Purple, that's what obviously has a little hint of purple. It does not allow it. You have to justify it well you should know what color cornflower is it was a color we had in our crayon boxes and we were at school it wasn't in my crayon box princess 64 crayons flip top fancy pencil sharpener in the back all those people I love let me tell you who they are those are the other broke kids like me who had the crayola 8 starter box that guy's jumbos i almost failed art in first grade because of those crayons the teacher came up like

chad

you know you really got the lines out here when you're coloring the sun I know my yellow crayon weighs nine pounds and I'm six years old.

The kids always asked them to lend me my crayons. I think it was a disaster with me. Know? because he was only eight. I have scarlet, no, I have red, oh, do you have mahogany? No, that would be brown, you really have a tan, yes, it is brown, you just color very lightly, okay, I have one more piece of stuff at home, get out of your way, um, let them enjoy the rest of your night, uh, a Sometimes when they put me on the road, they put me in situations that I don't feel comfortable in and I don't mean a bad situation.

I grew up in a trailer park in Missouri, for God's sake. I can deal with bad situations, but sometimes I'm put in a really great situation and I don't know how to handle it like a top-of-the-line five-star hotel. I'm not a top-of-the-line five-star. I'm a guy who wears a jacket on stage, I just have to iron this part of my shirt. I don't like it, you know what a top of the line five star hotel doesn't do? have the complimentary breakfast I need the complimentary breakfast I don't care about the thread count on the pillowcases I want some free waffles I love a free breakfast at the hotel I love it so much that sometimes I have one at a hotel that doesn't I don't Stay, that's not a joke, so here's my store.

I'm doing a corporate show for Pepsi in Chicago. A really very good concert. I stop at hotels as part of the old architectural part of downtown Chicago and I'm looking. this wonderful building I say oh man I'm not going to fit in this place at all as I'm watching my truck door open as I turn around out of the corner of my eye I see someone starting to come in so just out of reaction I turn and push this guy and he kind of stumbles back, I say dude, what are you doing? He said sir I'm your

valet

it's like oh but in my defense I don't drive that type of vehicle that you normally rent I drive the type of vehicle before anyone else gets in it you need to start explaining things about it if anyone else ever had this you know you have to give them that speech because you don't want anyone to get hurt except you I really don't want to admit what kind of death trap you're willing to drive on a daily basis, you're going to park this, yes sir, okay, just so You know, it probably won't even happen, but occasionally, if you try really hard. sharp turn to the left and the defrost switch slides all the way to the right the rear wheel comes off oh no I'm not a mechanic I think it's a wiring problem but I don't know if you know so everything we found get in, close the door, get out, or try to close the door, but I've never been in a vehicle before where closing the door is more than a one-step process.

He's never been through that process of pulling and lifting the door to close it where you have to lift exactly the right position. second or your door boom you're early boom your leg yelling at him like it's his fault my door won't close so we end up closing his door and he's shaking it downstream like okay which way is he going to go? that big left, I'm like, okay dude, you're on your own, I don't know, I don't know how clear I could have been about it, I went in and tried to check, I was like, yeah, I'm a comedian. doing the show tonight she said she's okay, perfect she said uh, the ratio of your room I just need onecredit card I said well pepsi was supposed to take care of my room she said no pepsi paid for the room I just need your card for incidentals like oh okay I'm not going to allow anything she goes no that's only if you call and you order room service, you watch a movie on TV, you want to, no, I know what the word means, I'm just explaining that I'm not going to allow any of this. and she just looks around her making sure no one is near her, she leans over the counter, she says, let's pretend, what are you talking about?

How about I pretend to give you a card? You can pretend to have it if it makes you feel better, I guess. and I'm really going to sleep so I can lock your room without a card on file, okay, here's my card, she makes a wrench, oh, I'm sorry, it was rejected, my pretend charge just got rejected, I'm not a man Rico I thought I could afford a free shield while our machines didn't accept the car seat do you do inspirational checks? I don't know what else you're doing to keep us from charging the car but we got it out of the car and she didn't accept that amount I said how much was that amount she said $750 she says do you think our machines aren't working properly?

No, I think they are working perfectly. I spit out my card quickly, didn't I? She was looking. Those are pretty good machines, I mean, they ended up letting me into my room, which they didn't have to do very well and they didn't have to do that, and in all the years I've done this, I've never gotten a call. on the hotel phone its a bit strange after a few minutes my phone started flipping to the page like hello i said yes its becky from downstairs. I was wondering what your room looks like. Have you never been here?

You can go up and look around if you want, it's okay, I mean it's not worth 750 and there are no waffles, but it's okay, I guess she's leaving, I was just worried, if you had any concerns, I'm a little worried, your

valet

He's not coming back, guys, I have to do it. Wow, you've been absolutely fantastic. I apreciate it. Thank you so much.