“I Sold Mansions to Janitors” - Tim Dillon - Full Special

What's up New Orleans? This is Comedy Central, presenting the ladies and gentlemen Tim Dylan, yes, how do you look at this theater before you were a comedian? I was out of work for a long time friend, what's the worst thing about being out of work? What do you think there is no money? very reasonable answer that's not it's not lack of money it's not poverty it's not homelessness it's the unsolicited advice you get from your friends I was out of work for a week leave me alone one of my friends DJ my personal trainer SL DJ friends come to visit me he says this, he says, brother, it's pretty simple, you have to see yourself how the world sees you and that's the work you do.

I was like, okay, that may be true, but you can't just be a retired detective, I can't just. walking around New York City with a cup of coffee being racist there has to be education I'm so glad I'm not in New York it's too expensive you have to be evil that's the money it costs you have to be evil that's the only way Live In New York City it's so bad that no one will admit what they do because everyone pays eight thousand dollars a month for a loft, so anything they do is evil, but no, if you ask someone what they do.

You get the same answer, you say, what do you do? Oh, it's a guy in your suit, he says, ha, it's experimental, you know, it's cross-platform, when JP Morgan forecloses on a house, I burn it down, come on, you know. I'm a designer you design I don't want to brag you know the Z uniforms are cool I love orange I don't like it listen here's the deal who's under 30 well now I feel weird about this joke I had no idea no let me let me tell you this, no I get angry with the Millennials, so no, no, the old people, thank you, thank you, thank you, the four old people here, just three old people in the back who work security at this theater.

God bless you. kids, no, here's the deal, if you're under 23, you have a fake job, listen, unless you're in the military or you're a nurse and no, if you're under 23, you have a fake job, but the problem is whether Ask a millennial about their fake job. They are so confident that you feel like they are a part of you. What do you do for a living? They say I'm actually an Instagram filter. Excuse me, yes, I'm Valencia, oh. I had no idea I had a real job when I was a millennial. Okay, I didn't do any of this stuff like managing a tweet's Instagram account or whatever you do.

Well, I had a real job. I

sold

subprime mortgages. Thank you so much. thank you I

sold

mansions

to concierges and they loved it for 6 to 8 months and then I had to stop doing that because I was growing as a person and the FBI and all this and I evolved and I moved from Long Island to New York. City and I had to get another sales job and that's how soft New York City is. I don't want it to happen in New Orleans. I see it happening by the way. I don't want it to happen, that's how soft New York is.

The only thing I was able to interview to sell was organic baby food, but the problem was that I brought all the aggression of the mortgage world to that interview. It was just an old fashioned story. He says: Hello, welcome to happy baby. I said, "I'll do it." Whatever the need to make, he says, "wow, we're really proud of the ingredients we put in the jars." I say, "I don't give a damn what's in those jars. I work for you. He says, well, this just goes to the food co-op and talking to the parents I say, well, I won't talk to the feds, they put me in this radish pudding game, now they called the police, but they don't want to make money a couple of years ago in the East There was a really sad story A young gay student ended his life prematurely by jumping off a bridge. about me.

I told my friends I was gay the same week it happened. You can only imagine the phone calls and emails I received like we hoped they would never do that I said guys, the way things are going, do you have any idea. How long is the walk to the middle of that bridge? At no point in my suicide planning am I going to include cardio but thanks for still not knowing me at all uh thanks I did a show for gay people the other day the woman who told me. hired she got angry she's like you said LGBT I said yeah she's like she's actually LGBT I aq2 I said who are all those people she said it's a sesexual interrogation intersex and two spirits I said they're gay ghosts she don't know He laughed, he didn't like trying to get in better shape, no one here is trying to get better.

I hate when she's in the front row. It's handsome, they're so good, they look, I'm playing now in the 8th row, you know what I mean, I love it because you're hidden, the point is if someone is trying to get in shape, well, well, don't do it . applaud you for being a person, I get it, it's hard, we don't know what good food is in this country, we have no idea what healthy food is, it has to be a reward for the guy in the food industry who has an idea every time. A couple of years that allows fat people like me to go and get fat like animals and come out feeling healthy and if you live in America, you know what self-serve frozen yogurt is, it's a little out of control at this point, you always walk in.

It's the same place always a 19 year old girl she's like yogurt it's one calorie treat yourself you're like what's in yogurt she's like shut up look at me don't start any trouble I'm armed and we're in front of the camera, take these 70 sample glasses and go back to lying. You're fine and they're like crack dealers. Those girls in the O are like crack dealers. They're like, by the way, if you want any toppings, we. eat cookies, cakes, chicken McNuggets, meat bites, mashed potatoes, cream of gra, spinach, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, scotch, José, do you know what our most popular topping is ice cream?

You could also put it on a scale, she says it'll cost $37, that's not even a real scale they're just trained to see how fat and desperate you look, she says you'll pay $23 for this right? I'm like, oh, sure, so you eat it in your car and these places are always next to a gym and you eat. this devil's cereal you made with chocolate covered pretzels, gummy bears and maybe 1 ounce of yogurt and you see people leaving a gym and you say that place had a picture of a papaya on the wall, how did it go off the rails? this? so quickly bullying is a big problem, there are bullies here, no one, nowhere in the country, there is a bully, you have a great bullying look, sir, sweatshirt, nice and relaxed, you are an intellectual bully.

I can tell it makes people feel bad about that guy. of the movies they watch a friend of mine came up to me and said that if you had a ban on harassment of homosexuals, you can't, because then the straight people, everyone who needs to be harassed will be forgotten, someone said that no one needs to be harassed, that's not true. I had lunch on Long Island after Obama's re-election. I had lunch and this is what a guy at our table said. These were real words that came out of his mouth. He became pretty tough for a white man.

That's a guy he needed to get. hit not even with a fist I'd probably like a brick I knew a kid in third grade who got hit with a brick, you know what it is today, the nicest guy you'll ever meet, he's in a wheelchair, but he's a amazing guy, gets up on wheels. to you he says hello I'm from Long Island everyone from Long Island yes the cheer team came to the show to return to Long Island I take the Long Island Railroad the Long Island Railroad is a train and if you buy a ticket for this train after midnight they call it the drunk train the people who sell you the ticket call it the drunk train ok what they don't mention is that the drunk train is just people hitting each other for 45 minutes it's MMA on a train for One hour, hour, Joe Rogan announced that he was out of control and the last time I was on this train, two guys had argued, I don't know what it's probably not Brexit about, but I guess one guy punches the other and a drop of blood flies. out of his mouth and onto the crust of my uneaten slice of grilled chicken pizza, what a dilemma in a young man's life, but I didn't do it, I didn't do it because I said it would be the most embarrassing way to tell my dad. .

I have AIDS, if I go home, I'm like dad, I have AIDS, he says, well, you're gay, we thought this might happen. I say, don't sit down, this is much worse, my mother is schizophrenic, don't worry. We have locked her up uh, don't worry, then you can take her in. She is there now and I love her and she is there and she lives with other schizophrenics and I am going to visit her on painting day because I love painting and I love her. and this is the weird thing they make schizophrenics paint beach scenes before the end she's schizophrenic she's not here for lack of imagination let her paint the secret police she won't shut up it will be a much better painting I'm a swimmer and I'm from Long Island and you think in one of those things and normally, like I swim, I jump like an eight or 10 foot jumper.

I swim in a canal, it's so much fun the last time I do this standing up. on the bridge getting ready to jump Long Island has some negative stereotypes and we've earned them all while I'm standing on the bridge getting ready to jump every negative stereotype about Long Island you can imagine comes riding towards me in his speedboat with his girlfriend and He starts teasing me saying bro do it now do it once in a while he looked me in the eyes and said something I will never forget he said bro don't get mad in front of my girl.

So I jumped in because I had nowhere else to go and I got out of the water and he was standing on top of me, he says, that's right and then he just left and I got depressed because I realized I need that guy in other areas of my life. life. Was that guy real or did I just make up a guido to nudge me in the right direction? If I'm feeling shy at a gay bar, he just follows me and says, bro, no don't suck that dick in front of my girl. Come on, a friend of mine was celebrating an anniversary with his wife.

He said: I'm going to buy some ice cream and go home. Okay, it's a romantic meal. And then he said this and said, Yeah, I'm just going to pick up. some Briars there is no reason to eat Briar ice cream if you are under 90 Briar ice cream was recently voted the ice cream most likely to drip from your mouth during a stroke every day my 85 year old grandmother has three Doers on the rocks and a bowl of peach ice cream from Briar's, what do you think? The best ice cream brand, not the flavor brand. Ben and Jerry's, someone's a junkie.

Thank you. Ben and Jerry's always has something that doesn't belong in ice cream. it's like we have fudge and M&M's and pieces of my couch, we have caramel popcorn and the W key on the computer right there it's like we have a person who doesn't take acid when we make the ice cream, what more blue that just take eoli remember how? about you, how does that happen? A meth addict would throw a chicken wing in the bathtub. He set a standard. It's not Blue Bell. What else is very Nazi? Let's be honest. The only Haas flavor is vanilla.

What else not homes? What more ice cream talent please? Pay attention, we get it, you are better than the rest, what are you a traveler? It's not a real job, it's not tenfold, what else here Baskin Robbins, the problem with Baskin Robbins, there's always too much going on, it's always like Basin Robins, the subway, a police force. pre-int a gas station an abortion clinic an Indian selling cigarettes for humor and there's one person doing all those jobs trying to leave automation behind in real time it's not Baskin Robins what else H Turkey Hill oh that NASCAR watching the white trash on the medium American brand sold Turkey Hill on the Pennsylvania Turnpike at gas stations where pregnant women fight each other and people gamble.

What's the latest Turkey Hills flavor? It will be methamphetamine. Moose marks. It's not Turkey Hill. What else did someone say? Cold Stone. Here is the problem. Cold Stone make employees sing to you many of those people are at the lowest point in their lives no one wants to hear this. Oh, welcome to Coldstone. I got my daughter back next week. Welcome to Cold Stone. One more clean urine. I ran out. the program is not Coldstone what else Dairy Queen doesn't even advertise that they are good. Dairy Queen's only advertisement is that they can deliver their product to you backwards.

It's fun to look at the prison tattoos of whoever delivers you the Dairy Queen. you're like the mexican mafia oh yeah it's nice it's a great ink job it's not Dairy Queen what else car Carell this is what's up with Carell Carell is soft serve ice cream you have 8 seconds to eat ice cream Carll before it looks like someone ejaculated? in your car McDonald's McDonald's first of all someone just said dip points some shell some shell of a human being in the back just said dip points ice cream that tastes like rocks has the mouthfeel of cat litter? what do you mean how do you do it?

I know, I've been in positions where I'm not proud of what kind of psychopath thinks dipping points, I wish ice cream tasted like gravel and then someone around here said McDonald's and I just want to say, I hope that's whatever you are. going through you come out on the other side of what you were so local right there I love that so local you are like the deli on thewhat job I see in New York we would have all these hipsters that would be they would name one brand, everything would be a strange little shop where the ice cream is made by four lesbians in a tub and they have flavors like hand soap, lavender and California bread and there is a flavor called quality and you can't askWhat's in it?

There's no answer. I actually think I'm lactose intolerant, but yeah. Thank you all. Good night.