DAVE CHAPPELLE - Stand Up about Cheating #davechappelle

They had to pay me because I signed the contract, but it's true, I found out that these people were streaming my work and they never had to ask me or they never had to tell me that it was perfectly legal because I signed the contract, but it's true, I didn't think about it either. That's why I like working for Netflix. I like working for Netflix because when all those bad things happened to me that company didn't even exist and when I found out they were airing the Chappelle Show I was furious how they couldn't know so you know what I did I called them and told them this makes me feel bad and you want to know what they did they agreed that they would remove it from their platform just so that I would feel better about that I with Netflix because they paid me my money they do what they say they are going to do and they went beyond what could be expected from a businessman, they did something just because they thought I might think they were wrong and I think if you're airing that show you're fencing stolen goods, they Stole that from me, they just took it from me and I'm not here trying to tell you I think ComEd Central gave me a raw deal just because I'm black.

I think they gave me a raw deal because this industry is a monster, it's the same monster that I was trying to tell you about too, but they hate the monster for how it is and I hate that monster for how it eats, but my God, it's the same monster when I left the show, all my friends would do it. Tell them well, why don't you do the Chappelle Show on another network, yeah, yeah, yeah, and why doesn't a slave run from one plantation to another because the master there might be nicer, my God, he was trapped, you know what ?

I tell you the truth I tell you the truth I even thought about going back and doing another Chappelle Show, but if I do I can't call it the Chappelle Show because my name and my image are being used by them in perpetuity throughout the Universe, it's In the contract you're not supposed to do this in my business I'm here doing something that no one else in their business has the balls to do I'm telling you something you need to know I'm trying to explain to you what you're seeing, you don't under

stand

what you're seeing, I'm publicly whipping a network and I know that on this network, they look at me and say why, why are you doing this so publicly?

I feel good about being publicly cheated on. Oh, believe me, I know exactly what that feels like when I left my program. They said he was crazy. Who was crazy about that? I just didn't want to do it anymore. They said he smoked crap. That's impossible. I was a devout Muslim. I don't smoke or drink, but now I do because you ruined my life now it's your turn this is your first lesson and it's my honor to give it to you they're going to pay me for this show I called my agent I said is there anything I can do with this show and he said no, well do it if you want something done right, I guess you have to do it yourself so I'm not going to go to the agents.

I'm going to go to my real boss. I'm coming to you, I'm begging you, if you ever liked me, if you ever thought there was anything worthwhile about me, I'm begging you, please don't watch that show. I'm not asking to boycott any network, boycott me, boycott the Chappelle Show. don't look at it unless they pay me if you're a Viacom shareholder then I'm talking to you because everything they do well for us they do it all for their shareholders that's what they told me so if you're a shareholder in that company it tells them it's wrong and if you don't think it's wrong then you too should know what's in the hot dogs you eat now, there are probably a ton of people on Comedy Central and Viacom and all these places that have no idea what I'm talking about that they all gave up or they got fired or they touched me or something, they left, there's a bunch of new kids there and they probably look like what are you talking about, they might not actually know what it's about.

It happened to me, so I'll tell you what I'm talking about, go to your accounting department, open the books, look at what that program generated and look at what you paid me, that's exactly what I'm talking about, you're going to pay . I invite you to come with me and work with me and let's fight against that terrible feeling that you made me feel together, we can fight together and resolve this with Chappelle. Sample or I can just accept it. Thank you smoking ritual. we have to celebrate I thought you were dead and he prepared it it was beautiful it was just like I dreamed they were all sitting around it The Indians were playing the drum some other Indians came out from behind with a long blanket folded in half and put it in front of us, open, above and on the blanket was a long wooden tube with feathers and bags of grass all over the blanket.

The chief walked on the big ones are 50, the small ones are 25 and these are 10, those Indians. I got high and I was B. I told the boss he was talking. I cut his time. Boss, sorry for interrupting. Crushed man. The grass is too strong. This PCP itches me. The spirits have me. Boss. The spirits have me and the boss. I splashed some water on my face, calm down, Blackace Splash, I said, hey, it's blackfeet, take it easy, blackfeet, you're welcome to stay between me and my tribe at night until the spirits leave you and me They gave me my own shirt to sleep in. which sounds good, I personally felt like I was a little bit on top, you know, because everyone had houses, man, it's like why can't I sleep with you guys in the house and watch TV?

I can't stay in this grassy butt all night, yeah. Indians are rude, they are all rude Indians, they eat disgusting food, all they ate was corn and Doritos. I think they called them that. People only see the surface. They see the division in our foods. It's because I eat chicken and watermelon. They think that's wrong. with me let me tell you something if you don't like chicken or watermelon something is wrong with you there is something wrong with you where are all these people who don't like chicken and watermelon? I'm sick of hearing how bad it is. it's cool i'm waiting for pollo to approach me to do a commercial i will do it i'll do it for free chicken is the least i can do they make fun of latinos for eating uh what they eat beans rice corn listen to that not a reason to hate a, okay it's funny but it's not a reason to hate, the only reason these things are a problem is because no one knows what white people eat.

You've been very good at keeping that a secret from each other. I study white people. I don't know I'm writing an article about you even for school just to do it just to under

stand

I'm doing this independent research I'm spending my money that's why I'm working so hard I follow you around the grocery stores they get scared I just try to spy on the car always come stay away from my car what are you looking at chicken and giblets there you must be lost these are vegetables I know what you drink look how calm I was surprise grape juice You didn't know that I knew about grape juice, don't you pretend stupid with me?

Look, what a lot of black people don't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice because they have grape drink, it's not the same formula as you. No vitamins because you could invite one of your black friends to Todd Todd. Would you like a glass of grape juice? What is juice? I want some grape drink, honey, it's purple. I don't think I know what grape drink it is I have some apple juice if you want what the juice is I want some apple drink yell remember that Sunny Delight commercial when all the kids come running in from outside playing they all run to the refrigerator okay I got some purple stuff a little bit of Sunny D as soon as he says Sunny D all the kids go yeah look at that black kid in the back if you ever see that come look at that black kid , he says, I want that purple thing, that's a drink, that's the drink they want, they want.

I drink I want all those vitamins. I would drink sugar water, purple, that's the ingredient, sugar water and of course purple, it's too much. I have a lot of things to talk about tonight, first of all, I stopped smoking marijuana with black people that you didn't stop. I finish, damn I'm sorry for black people breaking the news so publicly, but I can't smoke with you anymore Every time I smoke weed with my black friends, all you talk about is your trials and tribulations. I'm sick of it. my own problems that's a waste of marijuana I'm smoking marijuana to run away from my problems, don't take on yours from now on I smoke marijuana exclusively with white people, calm down, you went by default, you had a good conversation about marijuana that everyone White people talk when they get high, other times they get high, I can listen to that all night, man, remember Frank's broken man last week and catalog everything they drink, two drinks, Jagger, kill four bong, the hitman, beer , cheeseburger, that's great, the only bad thing is that you can't pass out. white people whenever white guys pass out on each other they always do something almost gay when sleeping gu frank fell asleep so he liked to stick a carrot up his ass and put shaving cream on his balls like why would you do that to him to a friend? yours he trusted you enough to sleep with you he's going to put a carrot up his ass he's that cute I'm telling you right now if I put a carrot on a black guy I'll kill you when he wakes up for something like that it's a sentence of automatic death on the street SRA for you I'm going to kill I thought you were all friends baby what happened?

I fell asleep in this house while we were drinking and I fell asleep in this house and while I was sleeping well, I'm just going to kill that, okay, that's all you need to know, carrots, but everyone gets along, I see that I see everywhere, blacks and whites don't fight as much, you know, who doesn't have problems with Anyone is Asian. I see how everyone is doing. They just missed the cut, the only time. Only Asian people fight with other Asian people. If you call a Korean guy Chinese. I've done this. They will go crazy. Hey.

What makes you think I'm Chinese? I am Korean. I look Chinese. Yes, you look Chinese. That's why I said it. It's an accident. To the untrained, you all look Chinese to me. It's a mistake. I'm not trying to offend you. People say all black people look alike, we ain't deformed, normally we just call those people cops, it's okay, learn to live with it, that's all I can tell you, everyone's afraid of cops, cops are scared to death, that's me. got a police scanner first first first money I got this the first time I went out I bought a police can I just listen to this before I go out just to make sure everything is okay you hear it calling all the CS calling all the CS stay tuned for a blackmail between 47 and 68 that stays in the crib tonight that went to work on that alibi for a minute every black person needs an alibi.

I roll those impromptu joints if I'm alone and I need to. I'll just open the window. The apartment windows turn on all the lights, stop banging right on the window, look at me, hey everyone, look, I'm the one you should pay. Praise, masturbating. Please note the time is 2:35, look at me, I'm masturbating from the window. 235 comedian The day is June 10. Keep in mind that the moment that could save my life, Officer David Chappelle could not have done it. I saw him in the window masturbating from 235 to 237. I'm sure of it. He was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today's day. role I need an alibi I can't be a celebrity this is the worst thing I'm seeing I can see why I see why the stars are crazy now I went to Disney World with my kids, which is very important to me.

I can't see my children as much. I do the Chappelle Show 20 hours a day, sleep for like half an hour, raise my kids for 10 or 20 minutes and go back to work now, on this particular day, I have to meet the kids. We went to Disney World, everyone in the park, everyone, hey, hey, Rick James, hey, it's Rick James, it's like hey, man, hey, do you mind not calling me out in front of my kids, we took a day off, even Mickey Mouse did it. I said this. It's the most unprofessional thing I've ever seen in my life rck James oh I was fed up I caught him with a hook B I broke his head clean everyone was screaming oh my God oh my God Mickey Mouse is Mexican I had a terrible time at Disney World Disney World is like a country completely different anyway they have their own currency which is ridiculous as soon as I checked into the hotels welcome to Disney World Mr.

Chappelle can we interest you some Disney dollars? I'm fine, I can't buy marijuana. and with the Disney dolls I'm on vacation I like the ones with green backs I like the ones with green backs you know what I'm saying the amount of money people spend people are very particular about that I saw that that was one of the main stories of the war The first thing we did was they said that now that Iraq had been liberated, we had managed to take money away from Saddam Hussein and I'm not going to lie when the press conference ended.

I stayed without breath. I was actually proud to be an American because it's a very subtle psychological shade of oppression to have a dictator over your money and it's thoughtful to be able to take it away from you at the good will of someone else, but then I thought well if you could do it. So for Iraq, what about our money man? Our money looks like baseball cars with slave owners in George Washington. It's the worst of the worst. Yeah I said it, you mythologize this like I'd be the best man to back offfiance. We're in New York getting married because it's legal here. oh, oh, well, congratulations guys, and Manuel said thanks and went to have some drinks and then my friend looked at me and said, Dave, what do you think?

And I started mumbling again, gay, you know, just gay, uh, I said, yeah, me. I'm a little nervous about getting married, man, it's a big step. I told him yes, it's a big step. He said, well, you've been married for a while. Do you have any advice for us. No, I am married to a woman. I'm sorry and they. He corrected me and said no, you married the person you love, so it's essentially the same thing. I said, you know, man. The problem with that statement is that I'm supposed to love her, but you turn on the light, of course I love my wife. she laughs at this in fact she eats and spins this you know what I told her I told her I told her I said you know what you should do man first of all you should you shouldn't do ituh, I'm talking about being legally married, it's not that you're gay, but that legal marriage is a diabolical influence game in the United States.

I'm just being honest, the void of religious meaning or the idea of ​​love marriage is nothing. but it's a horrible contract that they shouldn't sign just being honest because they start loving each other and then like two years later they just build a case against each other for a hypothetical court date that may or may not happen to be gay. On top of that, that's explosive, since Ray Rice is fine, right after Ray Rice went through everything I was at a party and I met this guy, Michael Sams, you know, Michael Sams, very nice guy He is the first openly gay NFL player and Mike is a very nice guy, a very brave guy, but when I met him I couldn't help but think that what is going to happen when Michael Sams hits his wife in the elevator is domestic violence. or it's just two exercising in the elevator, you know what?

I mean, anyway, I give all married men the same advice, gay or straight, get a dog. This dog will love you all the time, but she won't. It's a real talk. She didn't even know about the dogs and my kids. I got the dog, they brought him home from the shelter and I didn't even want him, they like him, can we keep him? I said no, I said where did you get this dog, they are like we got him from the shelter. I was like e. Something is probably wrong with them, I can't keep them and then my kids started crying and screaming like the dog bet.

Debs, please, Dad, if you don't let us keep him, they're going to kill him. I said, he's fine, you can keep him. and his dog was a threat. He hated his guts. Then one night I smoked a lot of weed and I was eating a sandwich and Baba came up to Baba. A dog that approached was looking at me. This will make you very uncomfortable if he just looks at me. I had to give him a piece of my sandwich to make him go away and that's how we became friends now if you see me walking down the street without I don't have a leash or anything he walks next to me if I if I stop he will stop and if I go, he'll go and all my friends like me, Dave, that's cool, how you train Baba to do that.

I have never trained Baba, he only eats messily if I drop food and Baba is not around. I have to call him Baba, he's a black guy's dog, so he doesn't come right away. He first arrives at Peaks to see what's going on. I have to tap my foot so he can see the food here, little buddy.