Hipsters are Human Bedbugs - Dan Soder - Full Special

Put your hands together for Dan's Soder, how are you guys? I think it's good to be in Boston. He's trying not to get punched in the face later. That's all I want. That's all I want. I just want to have a good set so I don't get punched. in the face by a guy named Sully that's all I want is a good night it was a good night until that happened I tell you my backstory uh I'm the product of a single father I don't think you're supposed to court that, I don't think it's an easy thing, hey, my husband left me, I was just saying that whenever it's set in a tone like that, it always means single mother, always because no one complains about being raised by a single father.

It looks so fun Playboy's all over the house you can eat waffles for dinner watch R-rated movies on a school night you're basically like a mini sidekick the whole time your dad takes you out of happy hour he says hello something nice so dad can have some strange idea, good idea, old man, good idea. I was raised by a single mother who basically made me pajamas. I took a lot of cock from that lady in the 80s and I feel like the most disgusting sentence I've ever said. In my life it is a sincere apology. I'm serious.

I know what dating was. It was five o'clock when my mother started to go out. A boy came but great. A new roommate didn't touch me when I was seven. He was like a grizzled vet. I was the one who opened the door smoking a Winston, all confident like: what's up, boss? You're here for the old lady, quick. Secret, buy me a ninja turtle toy. I'll get lost in that garage for an hour. some time alone loves red wine and still loves it its a delicious drink being raised by a single mom had to deal with a lot of babysitters uh which was fun for the most part except one time my mom let this teenager of my neighborhood named Darren will look at me oh don't worry, not him, it's not one of those, it's not one of those stories.

I wouldn't do that to you. It's a good night out. I'm not trying to take it all as one man. Flashy foreigner, that's where lost feelings at eight years old I watch Stephen King's Yes, he raped my brain that's why you can't, you can't let an eight year old with an active imagination watch a Stephen King movie I just thought it was real I just thought that happened to people and I thought oh, apparently there's a clown that can turn into a spider, okay, I'll have to take care of that for the rest of my life, that movie terrified me to the point that I wouldn't come out from my room at night for three months what I'm trying to tell you studio audience half drunk years I pee on my own Petra like some kind of war criminal just took off my Dick Tracy pajamas It was like the bad man in the hallway I'm not ashamed that's why I'm not, I'm more ashamed of the fact that I thought I was going to get away with it because I did it in the spring I forgot, I think most of you know where this is going, it was cold in home.

My mom turned on the heat and my room smelled like a bus stop in the middle of July, it stank of hot urine constantly, even at the time my mom was like, what's that smell? You're a bum who lives in your closet, no, mom, will you? you know what that smell is, the smell of fear and irresponsible parenting do some background checks now i'm 29 for the sake of the joke i'm actually 29 right now which sucks 29 sucks no one tells you what's going to suck like people in their 30s and 40s complain that they should because their lives are almost over she said go ahead and die I need room to walk uh no you shouldn't you should clap your hands they're all 20 like you ate a dick their 29 They are the end of fun without being judged so at 29 you and your fun friends stop partying and start getting addicted, that's what I call it.

I can't get drunk on a Monday without raising a few eyebrows. It's just weird to me that the things that when I was 20 I used to do cool, now make people nervous. I used to get drunk before class in college and think this guy is amazing, banged before the introduction to the 8am Roman Lit class. m. Now if I get drunk before work, everyone says, hey, you're cool, you need to talk, no. I'm still amazing, no no you're not, you're almost homeless, this is for sure, I think drinking becomes, I know drinking is if you do it too much, it's a bad thing, but at the same time it's also a good thing, I think .

You understand life better if you put on a shit face all the time. Everyone who applauded will be in a program looking for God and getting fries. I'm just saying that I understand a lot of things better because I'm a heavy drinker, like homeless people. I understand. Get it now, when I was a kid and I saw homeless people, I was like, why are you outside? But now that I've been around for a little over 12 years, every time I see a homeless person, I'm like, oh man, you probably were. very funny 10 years ago here's a quarter for your Kickstarter, doesn't it mean anything?

And I'm single at 29, which sucks. I know what, really, boy, that's the voice of the saddest man in the world. She's like someone mentioned it. Like I know why I'm single because I always dress like I'm in a Pearl Jam cover band. What's happening? Everyone, thanks for coming out. We're Jeremy, it just sucks. It sucks to be single at 29 because it's like you know how. I go, I get older or younger, as I know, from 18 to 22. I know that's already done. I can't fight in that weight class anymore. I just can't compete. Girls from 18 to 22 years old live different lives, they get things by being. young and attractive they are like I want to be on a bicycle they are on a boat so just passed manifesto What is France like? and they lived there for three months with the rent paid.

It's frustrating. I think I'm at a different stage. my life, I think at this moment I'd rather try to fuck a 47-year-old mother of three. Could you tell me what Zeppelin is like? He lives like this. That is what I want. Stories. History. I like it. You could talk to older women. With whom you can have deep conversations. older women you can't talk to younger girls they changed languages ​​they started abbreviating all their words it's a real thing now I heard a girl say oh that's delicious where's the rest of that word? You know how confusing it is to be in a bar having a decent conversation with a girl who randomly turns to her friend and she says like she just got back from vacation, it was Toad's Ab Fab, why did you have a brain injury? ?

Why do you talk like that if that girl continues like that? 20 Years from now your whole conversation will be like Soho and, by the way, it's just me doing Jabba the Hutt in a silly voice, that's all. I'm just saying that older women are easy to approach, it's better to hang them up. Outside, they have no ego, that's the best thing older women say, hey, what's up, Junior, hey, how do you want? Yes, younger women get too much buzz because they get hit on all the time by morons, so they have to develop that ego, it's like a deterrent system as I've seen it, I've seen it as young women walking around bars bragging about negative aspects of the personality just walking like look that for me I'm a I'm such and all the guys say yes of course you are you're young and sexy you're thirsty you're probably thirsty being a it's a luxury that older women don't have you can't beat 44 and disheveled walking like I'm not a lady you're alone it's you that's why You're getting beat up in a bowling alley, that's why I'm flirting with you, Zell.

I live in Queens, New York, okay, let's calm down, it's affordable. Six weeks ago I discovered a hipster, if you don't know about

hipsters

what are they? They are the

human

version of bed bugs, if you see one there are probably 40 more under your bed, judging your music, a lot of people hate

hipsters

, I don't respect them because they move into the most dangerous neighborhoods and force everyone out. , some gangster. It's really just white people being white, that's all, we've been doing it for centuries, they're even starting to look like old Spanish conquistadors with their stupid mustaches and the next thing you know they're going to start wearing those metal helmets with swords.

I'm the gluten-free cupcake duke of the forever housing projects and I'm bringing the first Strokes album on vinyl. I just don't want my neighborhood ruined. I love my neighborhood. I have my favorite barbecue restaurant. I go there all the time. time, I'm afraid that hipsters will move in and change, I'm afraid that one day I'm going to try to have a barbecue and behind the counter there will be tight kitten jeans, Buddy Holly glasses, and even a scarf. Even though it's August, you'll take one look at me and say, "Oh, we don't serve barbecue here anymore, all we serve is kale, kale pies, kale smoothies and our servers are cats and we just put trays on their backs." , so if I want to order put some catnip you are in the Mr nibbles section welcome to kittens and kale I just don't like pretentious people if you have a good cause for yourself but don't be pretentious about it I read an article news recently about a group of animal rights activists who went and protested against a makeup factory because they said that this factory was testing makeup on animals, which is funny.

Are you serious? Someone gets paid to put it on? lipstick to a chimpanzee Sign me up right now I'll quit comedy I work 100 hours a week you let me smoke weed at lunch I won't even join the union I'll laugh and collect my check oh try. Factory workers and on top of that they have to explain their work to their friends over a beer after work. They're all like Doug. What's happening? One rough day, we tested the new Midnight Plum Mascara on a chicken. I don't think he liked the way he looked. It's going to be a long week for Revlon.

They all have causes. I don't know, man, maybe I'm just a piece of Personally, I think I feel guilty because I feel like we're ruining everything. If you are under 30, you and I are slowly ruining everything you should. That's part of the problem. We are the world, we ruin the tattoo we ruin. If you're a white guy under 25 and covered in tattoos, you're probably not afraid. Can you have tattoos? Are you terrified if I see an old man with a discolored anchor on his forearm that man looks at death, tell me. I'm supposed to be afraid that a 19-year-old arm covered in seaweed tattoos will take an hour to explain what's on his body.

Well, life is a journey and that is why I have a koi fish because it symbolizes peace. Shut up, Caleb, no one cares. a barista who is not a member of the Yakuza has been waiting half an hour for this coffee, that could have happened too. I just say threatening elements of tattoos, like when I see old people with tattoos, I immediately think of threatening things like, oh, this old man has been to war or been to prison. I see a young person with tattoos. I think: I don't know, you're probably vegan, maybe an indie blogger, you're definitely in a failed band, I don't know for sure, this is weird.

I feel like we feel very important and yet we turn around and treat the older generations in this country badly, we blatantly disrespect our elders because they can't keep up with our technology, we have all this new technology in the last years. 10 year olds don't know how to use it so we talk right to their faces I was born during the Great Depression I remember when straws were invented my nana can't turn on an iPad Nana, how can you not turn on an iPad? Hey kid, are you still the guy who killed the Nazis? I'm pretty sure my vagina changed history.

Everything is getting worse. Children have their musical tastes. I just want to hear a bunch of beeps and beeps. Now I like music because music makes me think about my life, it makes me reflect. It has always been like this. The first song he had me do was Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson. Ah, it sure is an amazing song. The problem is the first time I heard that song. He was five. It's a strange age to be reflective sitting in the backyard. watching the sunset like you're together kid you're half a decade old you can't go to sleep without a night light you don't even know your own direction foreign walks in the backyard she's like dan what are you doing what?

I'm doing? What are we doing? Trish, you're renting, why don't you get together? I'll be in the sandbox thinking about options, you guys are awesome, okay?