How Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Should Have Ended

Once upon a time, in a distant universe... How Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker

should

have

ended

PALPATIN SHOULD HAVE BEEN REVEALED AT THE END OF THE LAST JEDI, INSTEAD OF A BOY WITH A BROOM. THEN WE WOULD BE HAPPY TO LIVE WITH HIM FOR 2 YEARS AND IT WOULD NOT BE LIKE HE CAME OUT OF AN ASS. I killed Snoke and now I'm going to kill you. Boy...I created Snoke! The power of the Final Order will be ready in a moment. And it will be yours if... I

have

everything I need. I am the supreme leader.

But I will give you NEW ships! Hidden under the ice! Hmmm... Complete with RED HELMETS! Ooooh! Red helmets! Scary! They will make them much better! We also have death

star

lasers... Is that enough? Come on! No! We are diving! Well, if only he was someone who could lift heavy objects with his mind. Clearly! King, I never told you... Power! What did you say? Nothing. I'm just a laid back space snake. Ray! That? It's Kylo Ren! I know! Kylo Ren! He's there with Rey! You have a blaster! Do something about it. Clearly! Cool! Who are you? Chewy you are saved!

He is not here. Ray! They have chewy! On another boat! It's okay, Finn! Thank you! Reeeeeeeeeee! What... what are you doing, C3PO? My last look, sir. To your friends. There's R2... Chewbacca... Mr. Luke... General Organa... and Lando Calrissian! That? And we don't? Oh my God, of course not! I barely know you. And most of the time you're just joking. If I wasn't such a good person, I would have erased those stupid Sith translations from my memory. Clearly! Did you know? We'll see if you like it! How far will you go without me! I'm C 3 P O!

An expert in interpersonal relationships! Live long and prosper, friends. Translation removed. And fuck it. Sir, the strike team landed on the hull. Knock out their sliders. They don't have sliders. They have a... Space Horse! Oh really? That's what I call racing! (lmao, that's how it is in the Czech dub) But a notebook! Then wait! Can you use the force and wield a lightsaber even when you're dead? Yes because? You come with me! hee hee... What? Okay, I'll do it one more time. I really want to impress them when they get here. Then be super creepy, okay?

Involve! One, two and three... No! Arrest! Brian! For! Bryan, you're ruining it! It's rama ha ha ma ra haaaa and then you say ra ma ha ma ha ra haaaa! You still have it? Good! From the beginning! It's over, Palpatine! Oh, she's here! Now! Raaaa ma haaa... forget it. You ruined my arrival, Bryan! I hope you don't think you're going to show up at the last minute and win back what he's already lost. Oh, I'm afraid I can. If you kill me, my consciousness will be transferred to you! How simple! Oh, but I won't kill you...

They will. Health. (The cz dubbing says...) But, but, but.... Hello palpík. You're smaller than I expected. You will experience the Jedi kicker! And what are they supposed to do to me? Will you bore me like a living corpse? I am also here! Way to go guys, I'm late, I know. I don't care about 2 fake Jedi and a bunch of ghosts! You get the lightsaber! And you get a lightsaber! And you don't need a lightsaber! -And you also get a lightsaber! - What are you doing? How do you do it? I use the Force to transport various objects anywhere in space...

I'm a little surp

rise

d you don't know that. Well, that's bullshit! Maybe next time you'll tell me that the Force can heal wounds! He can. My granddaughter is so strong. Do you have a granddaughter?!?!?! Oh no! You have to stop! This is very exciting! We have to tell everyone! Hello Sith spirits! Don't answer! Have you heard of this? Palpík is a grandfather! Ehhh shut up! Did Palpatine ever have time for this? - I don't even want to think about that. - (Hey Snoke body! Hey!) Rrrrr ENOUGH! From practice, someone came out. This is really ridiculous. Jedi Council!

We will destroy it together. An epic swing. I won't take it off now! Anakin, no! If he waits? What are you doing? Put me down! Ray! The Jedi are taking control. Sith Spirits! Do something! Damn, Bryan! Execute the order: Throw and urinate. Yeah! The chosen one! So it was...disappointing. Oh, you can't be serious. Jedi fools! I have died once before. I'm SIth! And I cannot be defeated! Hello Dad! Look what I can do. I learned that from you! This is my boyfriend! Oh... I'm afraid... that my body is still alive. Now is our chance! In it!

What is the name of this lightsaber? Those are your disciples! This is for my mom! Yeah! This is exactly what she was talking about! Don't get up anymore. I feel like this

should

n't have happened. Who are you? I am king. King who? Recipe for the Dark Side! God! Kneel before your Empress! The dark side! And that's how it happened. So it didn't happen. No, you killed yourself with your own lightning. No, I... I didn't. I'm sure if. No! My consciousness was transferred to my granddaughter. Are they contradicting each other now? Everybody out!