Tom Segura: “Tremendously Impressive Bulge” - Full Special

Comedy Central presents Tom Segura yeah now I agree I totally agree totally it's great to be here in New York um yeah let's relax I was in Atlantic City and I don't know if you're familiar with Atlantic City, but if you hate yourself and your family and your friends take them to Atlantic City, it's basically like Las Vegas had diarrhea, but when you went to clean it up you didn't use toilet paper, you just found old mugs, broken shoes and other things that you find in a dumpster and then throw it away and then lights grew that would be Atlantic City, all the kids say, hey, you know, Tony, he said you might want to go to that thing and you know it and you say, first of all, why.

Don't put on a shirt well let's start there and then all the girls have blonde hair with black highlights or black hair with blonde highlights which either way says I don't have a gag reflex yeah okay but you know what ? Atlantic City has many casinos, yes, wow, what a treat. I love casinos because casinos are one of the last places where you can see the extremes of society in a place where you can most get that rehabilitation that zoo casinos go for. in a casino, you can see a man on the casino floor, he's in a suit, he's drinking whiskey, he's putting a few thousand dollars in one hand and you say, yeah, buddy, I can see why you're here, you know how to live and then right next to him you see another guy and he's wearing jean shorts and a sleeveless shirt and he has four open wounds on his face and you say, yeah, I can see why you're here too, you look lucky on my flight down the road .

Here I am flying and the pilot comes over the PA and says uh hey, he doesn't say hey. Pilots usually don't start their announcement with hey, hey, I'm up front, what do you think about him just starting? I don't know how they start, he just starts, it's like I'm the pilot and we're all like, I totally believe you, yeah, and then he's like, uh, we got some air time back, so we're going to be early, but then I just talked. with the airport and it's congested so we're going to be in a holding pattern and now we're going to be late and everyone's like why the hell did you tell us that man?

Keep that to yourself, you know? so you accept it okay, I mean, I did, the guy sitting next to me didn't accept it, he turns to me and just lands the plane and I go where, like the place where they take planes is

full

, do you want landing in a field right now and it becomes more aggressive, it's like you just lay down on the plane and I was like, dude, you can't, you can't just say, well, come on, so move, here we go, but that's The good thing about being a pilot their knowledge is so specific that you can't question them you know like that pilot I'm sure he was telling the truth I'm sure the airport was probably

full

but he could have been trying to get a job as a stewardess "Hey, what?" Why don't you suck it?" and then she says, "Well, we have to land the plane." He says, "I'll tell you the airport is full, they're total idiots and that's why I want to be a pilot now." What I love about being in a big city is that you get to experience the whole gay spectrum, you know what I mean, like most places you go in the Midwest or something like that, you wonder: There are gay people here and I know like you mean that guy who dresses in pink and likes fruit and you say no there's a lot more to it than that like today I saw gay business gay artistic gay dungeon and my gym rat game all time favorite.

I have seen him, he is a strange hybrid between skinny and muscular, he has the legs of a flamingo and the chest of a lumberjack, it is as if he had grown muscles to fight against his homosexuality and halfway through the score is tied. I like ballroom dancing and I can do 365 on the bench. Wow, whose side are you going to be on? win, I'll tell you gay. Gays are going to win by talking about gays. I did something gay the other day, when I say gay, I don't mean dumb, like when people say that movie was gay and you say why and they're like because there were only three explosions, that was gay, that's not what I want I mean, I mean, that movie was gay, because because there were all these naked guys and they kept having sex with other naked guys, that kind of game, so I go to the supermarket. and I put all my items on the belt and then I grab the divider to keep your stuff away from mine and yeah I don't want our stuff to touch so I'm waiting a while so I'm frustrated right?

So when it's my turn, I turn to the guy behind me and say, What's up? I'm next. I don't say it, but he knows what time it is, so just before I walk away from him, I notice that out of the corner of my eye I see that this guy has a

tremendously

impressive

bulge

in his pants. Right now, let's get something out of the way. There are a lot of fake bundles out there. Okay, a lot of European guys, e

special

ly Italian guys, will be like that. really tight underwear and then really tight jeans, but that's like putting a headlock on your head that's not like a real

bulge

, okay, the guy standing next to him had a bulge like that, yeah, so naturally I thought, oh My God, like that.

It seemed like he had his own eating schedule and health care plan, so anyway I'm lovingly looking at his gift and then I start hearing 33.62 33 62. Sir, his total is 33, 62. and I'm like, oh no, I'm supposed to pay right now, but everyone sees me looking at this guy, so I have to come up with a game plan to get out of this. You know how to make it look like me. I'm not doing exactly what I'm doing, so I decide I'm going to make it look like I'm lost in thought, you know, because you can look anywhere and think, wait, so that's my plan, so I just turned it on. back.

I quickly turned to the cashier and said, oh, I'm sorry, but I don't remember if I was supposed to buy orange juice and then she says, "Well, why don't you ask her?" While I was watching TV and I saw this show called How Winning the Lottery Changes Your Life, yeah, just the existence of that show means that there are enough people who go. I don't know what happens when you win the lottery. If you could please create a moving image show so I can understand it. I will tune in every week. I've never really won the lottery.

I have a pretty good idea of ​​what's going on. You have so much more now. End of the program. Everyone on the show is boring. Okay, except the guy who won the biggest lottery in history, $350 million. mm-hmm and he takes pride in the fact that he's never changed, like he still goes to work every day, he still drives the same car and he still doesn't have any teeth, yeah, now I don't know about you, but yeah He had 350 million dollars . He would be buying teeth from other people. She would just walk the streets and say, "Hey, smile, I want some teeth." It's up to me to talk like a guy with a full set of teeth.

I can tell you that having teeth is Totally amazing and if you only have fifteen dollars you should use that money as a down payment for your teeth, not only will you be able to enjoy all the cuisines in the world but you won't look like you have no teeth either. get some teeth can we park on the teeth for a second seriously? I'm meeting people all the time now who don't have teeth, what's going on in your head where you think it's okay to walk around with that soft mouth that you know is just weird?

Dude, get together, that's not right. I can only imagine what your balls will look like if you don't care about the part everyone sees, this is what you do if you don't have teeth, okay, get some friends, get some friends, have them. lend you money if one of my friends said hey Tom, can I borrow fifty dollars? I would say: well, what do you need fifty dollars for? Well, I don't know if you realize, but when I talk I don't have teeth. in my mouth I would say: do you know what I noticed? Here's a hundred dollars you don't have to pay me back.

Luckily for me, there was another show after that lottery show. This one was called I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant I watched that show and I was like I didn't know your vagina was Yankee Stadium exactly how many people have to be there before you realize there's someone there. You know you like the show, if you haven't seen it, it's not like, oh. I missed my period turns out I'm six weeks pregnant that's not the show that's the show oh I missed my period hey what's that? It's a baby coming out of me. Here's something you should know about the program.

All the women on the show are Mexican. Well, they're all Mexican, so you know this isn't the first time they're pregnant, seriously, let's play that game right now. Mexicans don't have babies. I guess black people raise their kids and Puerto Ricans won. I don't stab you in broad daylight, okay cool, what game are we playing now? The real world is not a real game. You want to play that game. Well, here is my question for all the ladies. They don't know there's a baby inside you. Forget all the symptoms You gained 60 pounds You think it's because of all the churros you've been eating You have a bubble belly Swollen feet What's with the kicks, right ladies, the kicks wouldn't give you a hey, put your hand here?

How does that feel to you? It feels like you have a baby inside you. No, I just farted. I have to fart really hard and then they get to the question you're dying to ask, which is: when did you meet? They were pregnant and everyone responded the same way. I was walking and I thought, "I have to accept it," but then when I went, it wasn't a baby, so you're like, "Okay, Hemingway." I understand what you are saying. but it begs the question: if what you thought was going to be turns out to be a baby, what kind of things are you normally on?

Like he was a big guy. I've had some nasty falls in my life. I have never had a seven pound five ounce if I did I would reevaluate everything in my life physically, psychologically, spiritually. I'm making changes and you should too Marisol. I think in life you can only comment on the things you have experienced. You know what I mean? tell you that you have to go eat at this restaurant, it's great and you go there and say it was horrible. I can't really argue with you because you had your own experience, which is why I feel totally comfortable telling you that I don't like dwarves at all.

I don't like them because they are always in a bad mood. I don't know if it's from drinking or just being down there, but they're always there and they're always with them, which I find. It's kind of weird because they walk around like there's a really happy song playing in their heads, you know, usually when I see a, I think, oh, maybe it'll juggle, it won't, it's not going to do anything cool. I was doing. on this show and I made some jokes and everyone likes jokes right, right, not wrong, midgets don't like jokes, but I didn't know there was an audience in the audience because I don't have eyes on my hips, okay, so I did what I did. the jokes made the show I'm done I'm going to talk to the bartender my back is turned I'm talking like this to the bartender and a guy comes behind me or I think it's because I can feel like here and here and here so I'm like, okay, there's a behind me and he's really upset right now so I start backing away, he's like, man, I'm like, spit it out and he's like, you know, you shouldn't say, you shouldn't say, you should say little. people you shouldn't say and I say why not and he says because Saiyan is like saying and I was like wow first of all we're both white and if anyone hears you I'm not protecting you second of all it's not the same".

That's because our ancestors didn't have dwarves, of course, not unless they won some crazy high-stakes poker game that was like betting everything besides the court jesters now. I wish they had them. I wish my parents were like Tom, you are. great great grandfather had like 40 dwarves I would say there is no way you would still get them and if we did I would take my dwarves and put little bowls on their heads and fill them with different types of sauce and sauce. and I would make them walk so I could take out whatever I wanted to eat, hey, you want some hummus, get your little ass over here.