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Healing the Inner Child: Addressing Trauma and Abandonment

Nov 15, 2021
hello everyone and welcome to this presentation on

healing

the

inner

child

i am your host Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes in this presentation we are going to learn about the

inner

child

we will identify examples of behavior that can

trauma

tize the inner child and the impacts of

trauma

on the inner child , then we move on to the core issues that many people with a wounded inner child face, and we end up examining strategies for

healing

the inner child, so who are we talking about here as hurt or traumatized children and they can't? they find comfort, they often withdraw well when that happens, or the wound doesn't heal properly, or stays open and we often talk about emotional wounds here, but it's important to recognize that emotional wounds are just as problematic as physical wounds when a similar situation occurs in the future, the child still does not have an effective way of coping and still feels insecure, can i to avoid the development of upset lthy rejection or

abandonment

behavior and try to stay as safe as possible unfortunately many times the people who implement this traumatizing behavior is the caregivers and it can create a lot of chaos because the child is confused they touch this caregiver who is supposed to protect them and love them unconditionally, but they engage in all these harmful behaviors, and some of these behaviors can withdraw or leave them physically or emotionally, sometimes because the caregiver has a problem e mental health or an addiction problem, you know that there are things that can prevent the caregiver from being physically or emotionally present, but the child does not understand this, and it is important to help the child to prevent it, but in this situation you know that the caregiver also is physically or emotionally absent or deliberately withdrawn, so if the child does not behave as the caregiver wants, the caregiver storms out of the house or emotionally withdraws and turns their back on the child and does not speak to the child for two or three days, and the child feels very anxious at that time because somewhere in their primitive brain they know that they depend on this caregiver to survive other behaviors, including shame and criticism if the child does not do things well if the child is not perfect if the child does not meet the ideals and expectations of the caregiver but there is constructive feedback but when the behavior is when the child is not perfect Is not ashamed and criticizes the information, especially Especially if you humiliate the child, they may be embarrassed and criticized in front of other people or are often embarrassed and criticized, so that the child feels that they can't do something right, which causes fear of rejection cause fear

abandonment

blame and blaming is another behavior that can hurt a child because it happens when a parent blames the child for how they feel you know it's their fault that they stress all the time or it's your fault that your parent and I broke up blaming the child we could pay the rent if we didn't have to buy you new shoes every three weeks there are many things that caregivers can say that can make the child feel like it's their fault that things are wrong, which again makes them reject and know rejection, if I do things really bad for you, if you're just going to get rid of me by joking, laughing or putting the child down for making mistakes due to failures or even showing emotions can make him feel self-conscious and insecure m Manipulating the child for their own benefit can also be a very toxic behavior that betrays the child if they say I'll be at your recital, and then they don't show up, and it's not a one-time thing, I make a promise and don't keep it, or I say that I'm going to keep something private, maybe the child shared something very private with their caregiver and then their caregiver goes to the neighbors and everything crazy in the family, the child feels embarrassed, embarrassed, you know being condescending, insecure, and self-conscious , invalidating the child's feelings is also very traumatic. how to identify and modulate their feelings and deal with life on life's terms we are not born with the skills and if a child comes to a caregiver and expresses their emotions and the caregiver puts them down and tells them they are overreacting or ignoring or if they are teased, then the child is not only self-conscious and ashamed of their feelings, but still doesn't know how to deal with these overwhelming feelings, it is another example of 'traumatizing behavior' and this is where caregivers violate emotional boundaries and mental aspects of the child and tell him what he is going to do, what he is going to be when he grows up, what he likes, what he does not like, what he feels, etc.
healing the inner child addressing trauma and abandonment
No matter what the child says, the caregiver is very urgent to direct all aspects of the child's life, and that is very nosy and again feels very insecure because the message the child has received is that his thoughts want feelings and needs don't matter; I'll tell you what you're going to do and conditional love when a caregiver denies love to a child when the child doesn't behave properly or when the child doesn't do what the caregiver wants is extremely harmful because denying love equals abandonment and rejection, so think about what behaviors your caregivers used and in what way you use them now, and you can think what I don't want, we learn what we lived through and if your caregivers reacted in a certain way to have, for example, as one of their caregivers, if you don't get your way, they lash out, or if your caregivers never talked about feelings or one invalidates the other's feelings, then you may have adopted the behavior because it's the only thing you've learned, you can learn other behaviors, but it's important to recognize what patterns you have, what default patterns you have that you learned from your family of origin that you learned To help keep you safe, it doesn't necessarily mean winning which is It's a healthy pattern of behavior for you, so it's important to think about situations where these things happen to you, they may not have all happened to you, but some of them may have happened, which would be more empowering. answer, so if you come home one day and tell your caregiver that you've broken up with your first love, and you know you're feeling completely overwhelmed and devastated, which you know, most people feel when they're dealing with their first love. break up love and the caretaker ignored it or downplayed it and said oh it's puppy love you know ignore it you'll be fine tomorrow or whatever they said but they didn't take you seriously they didn't confirm your feelings; didn't they help you figure out what should I do with this?
healing the inner child addressing trauma and abandonment

More Interesting Facts About,

healing the inner child addressing trauma and abandonment...

You know that the emotional balloon is spinning, so you probably feel very insecure and emotionally abandoned, so the question is what would you prefer if you already imagined them reacting in the right way, and this will give you clues about how you are now. about yourself you need to answer, and if you start to feel overwhelmed in the present, as if you have a big ball of swirling emotions, what can you say to yourself? How can you validate the feelings and how can you deal with them? What is a more empowering response you can make because eventually you will have to do something we call being a parent again, the wounded inner child has learned to connect with others based on what they had to do to live safely, you may have developed an unpleasant or false self, which they put on, regardless of what facade they thought they would accept, so they were like a chameleon and expend enormous amounts of energy just being the person everyone wants to make them good, which prevents them from being what they want to be. it prevents them from being authentic; they may be envious or critical in childhood relationships they may have felt insecure, and when people are insecure they are sometimes envious and critical of others to make sure other people are not valued more than they are so I show all their mistakes just to make Surely mom knows that you know that you are imperfect too, maybe they are perfectionists, maybe they have learned that if they do everything perfectly, maybe they will get the love and acceptance of their caregiver, that maybe they are too similar to those that accompanies the authentic self you know that he does what the caregiver wants him to do, and in mature relationships you know that he does it by following the whims of his partner even if it goes against what he wants to deny or hiding feelings or being passive-aggressive may have received the message that it is not safe to express their feelings because they would be humiliated by ridiculing an invalid sponsorship all so that they would not be Feel safe expressing your feelings so you can deny it, you can hide it, or you can become passive-aggressive, but instead of saying that it really hurts my feelings, can you say no? it's good, it's good, you can see through the sarcasm that it's not all good, but they're too afraid to say yes, whatever happens hurts my feelings; they may have an overdeveloped parenting script if there is a lot of chaos at home or chaos in relationships they may have had to take on the role of parent in addition to the child because the parent is not meeting their emotional needs, the parent is not meeting their love needs, for what both relationships had to take on just to try to survive b Because they basically lived in isolation, even though they lived in a house full of other people, they may have always had to pretend to be. strong, because their emotion shows that they were weak or needy, discouraged or even ridiculed at home, but may well be wary if you regularly find yourself in situations where you are ridiculed and rejected then it invalidates itself, yes it is hard to feel safe It's hard to trust that others are kind and loving and accepting of you, it's hard to trust that you're wounded inner child can be safe in a relationship and may have learned to control or withdraw from past relationships if they weren't in control , if they were not perfect, if they did not know that you know everything, it was insecure, so it was better to go out and grow up many times people react in the same way that they have total control over the relationship and what is happening or they cut the bait . running away, dating and finally can represent past relationships, so if you interacted in a particular way with your primary caregiver, you can follow that form of interaction and project it onto your partner when you get into a relationship, so it repeats that old dysfunctional relationship to people with wounded inner children often have low self esteem secure attachment secure relationships help us build our self esteem if the child never experienced unconditional acceptance of love yes they will probably have a hard time looking within themselves And when I go is all they I have in a bag of chips and whoever doesn't want to be with me may have problems with emotional regulation because I said that we are not born with the ability to regulate our emotions. being able to define them, identify them if we feel they are able to down-regulate out of standard fight or flight mode and c develop skills or have skills to deal with these situations once we are in our minds, a four year old doesn't have that and we learn that through interaction with our parents we learn that if we're on the playground and someone is meant for us and we run to our caregiver, and they help us calm down and help us figure out what to do.
healing the inner child addressing trauma and abandonment
You know that's part of the safe relationship that's part of the learning process, after which, unfortunately, the wounded inner child can still have polarized thinking, and we'll talk about that in a second, a lot of times that development is delayed in certain areas when people are exposed to trauma, so kids can't think in terms of all or nothing, because they mostly operate in the standard fight or flight web because they feel insecure, they feel anxious, so they're constantly in the fight. Fight or flight mode is when you are in fight or flight mode, but you are not in your right mind and let's explore all the possibilities.
healing the inner child addressing trauma and abandonment
Fight or flight tends to be very polar. I feel safe or insecure because there is little motivation. out of fear of failure you know why i should try something because everytime i try they get laughed at or ridiculed but they are afraid of abandonment or just have high anxiety levels because the world is a very terrible hostile pl? I look, and they can have caregiver care and interpersonal behavior, so as we talked about earlier, they've learned that you know how their caregiver interacts, they may have internalized the behavior, so now they have the same behavior in adulthood. they begin to use relationships, child emotion regulation and interpersonal skills development many times get stuck at the age of trauma or if so if you are a child you don't know a teenager but think very concretely and if they start to feel very insecure right now, they may get stuck in the default fight or flight mode that hampers them a bit.
If he learns new coping skills, the child will feel insecure, which strengthens the connections between the amygdala and the network from the default mode when the salience occurs in a movement network, so it is another when the child notices stimuli that are similar or reminiscent of previous threatening experiences that triggers the fight or flight response again and the person begins to react in their emotional mind, according to the schema above, that's the I was here, I was here brain before I knew what to do. Manypeople with a wounded inner child have very similar core issues of being in control, inability to trust in responsibility and perfectionism, high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, sometimes called inauthentic neglect of their own needs, or not feeling comfortable telling them to people how they feel or who they are, and impulsiveness, they may not play the tape to the end, so if something happens, they run away.
Hey, they cut the bait instead of going all the way to play around and say, how do I want each of these behaviors or issues to be resolved? It's important to look back and ask yourself how it happened, it helps keep you safe in the past, how you needed it to stay in control, how it's the result of what you're experiencing, based on what you've experienced. ? being in control is triggered when you start to feel like you have to be the one in control, it is absolutely necessary to keep yourself safe, or you are acting on old messages, reacting in old ways from the perspective of the child versus the perspective of the adult so that Examine each of these behaviors that may have developed to help you stay safe and answer the questions for yourself.
Other core issues are a direct result of feeling insecure and this may be fear of abandonment. Low self-esteem. Sad emotion. Dysregulation, depression and anxiety. therefore it is important to think about how this problem arises as a result of feeling insecure, so why does feeling insecure cause you to fear abandonment? love them, accept them, then they may fear being abandoned, how can you help your inner child feel validated and secure? bird? The child begins to fear abandonment, and maybe you are in a relationship, and you feel that you have an upset inside, and you are like this: this is going to be wrong, this person is going to be ready to let him send a message otherwise if you start experiencing these fears how can you help your inner child feel validated and safe and you may find that the word you always say first is validated even if it doesn't happen so the child feels , then it is important to validate the inner child and notice that it is good, I notice that this feeling is in my stomach, I recognize that my inner donation now feels very insecure, or I fear that they may abandon me, so it has confirmed that now it feels what What should you do to stay safe?
The first step in healing is to create security; we can't start experiencing or examining the wounds until we feel safe, which means you'll have to feel safe with yourself if you'll have to feel safe if you feel the inner child start to come out and say I'm anxious or I'm angry it won't be invalidated by an adult saying i don't have time right now you're ruining it you know it's out of control your inner child needs to know you're going to take it seriously we do this by developing a secure attachment to yourself. eventually you want to develop with other people but first you have to develop with that inner child and i use mnemonic visceral validation to strengthen emotional awareness you feel it's not good it's not bad it's just you admit you confirm you don't say it's right or wrong you just say this is how you feel inner intimacy of a child a connection to try to understand the child's point of view once you acknowledge the feeling you have i know you feel anxious now help me understand intimacy is when you say help me understand why you feel that way I'm curious help me understand what marks you and that is intimacy what it is for the child to share and be vulnerable security and limits it is important to create security for that child, so that when he starts acting like your adult self, you're actually protecting that child, maybe you're interacting with your caregiver, and your caregiver starts some of the old behaviors you manipulated a. guilt, and you see it and your star If you feel anxious, you start to get angry, it's the inner child coming out again, and it's important to validate the inner child and admit that you are aware of it and then healed. set limits like you have to form an adult The barrier should be your child's protector so you set limits and say it's not okay i won't let you treat me like this or let them know you hurt my feelings when you did that a limit is authentic to do all these things to give voice to the inner child that is now also part of the adult, is often not easy in families and relationships if they are not used to setting boundaries. used to being authentic, there will be a backlash, so it's important to recognize it and prepare and prepare the inner child, so you know well if we do that, if we say our feelings, mom can get very angry, but you know we have to give her time to process it, we are able to protect ourselves, now we do not depend on it, it is not that we want to be abandoned or rejected, but it is important to recognize how the situation in the present moment is different in the current context, now that 'When you are an adult, consistency and predictability They are important, because you were five, six and seven, eight years old; to constantly notice that you are not ignorant of disability, sometimes because you are too busy and other times to pay attention, just as you would if you met a real child in the real child, you would take the time to address the needs of the child, and it's important to encourage and nurture your inner child for self-efficacy, being part of a secure attachment helps children learn that it's safe to leave the comfort zone and if you fail, you come back, we'll figure out how to pick yourself up and you'll know again , but it is safe to go out and try new things, because sometimes you will succeed, and this encouragement and nutrition for self-efficacy is very important, you will feel anxious.
Everyone feels anxious, even if they don't have a hurt inner child, when they step out of their comfort zone and it's important to recognize that because your inner child is going to yell, don't, it's not safe because they no longer have the support and encouragement. from caregivers or receives, and must respond to help the inner child cope and solve problems. the inner child may want to have an outburst to beat all the tantrums and admit that it is okay, but it is also important to help the inner child to do everything right how best to deal with it what our options are authenticity to feelings and bitterness losses learning If you allow the child again you know that if we allow people to be authentic they can be who they are and can express their feelings and thoughts you know the top that validates us I remember when my children were little, because we used to listen to the different songs of Sesame Street and whatever, but I remember moments where I was kind of jumping down the aisle and I was singing goober peas. it was my little inner me coming out to sing goober peas and that was who i was it was authentic but i also let my inner child out and i wasn't ashamed of it i was like hey you know we all have to have fun and love unconditional love helps build self-esteem for you and your inner child, and loving to look back and reflect on the child and say you know he is a good child.
As an adult, you may have done some things, you may have made some decisions that were not ideal, but you as a human being are loving when you experience distress, whether from the inner child or the adult, and soothe the inside. child you have it, you know it well, I know it is scary, but I have it, I am your shield, I am here with you, we will do this together, teach your inner child many times, you know if you are reacting in a useless way you are reacting from the kid's default mode place, the kid is either fighting or fleeing, and you're reacting from the default mode, based on what abilities they had, so you're acting based on the use of an eight year old.
If you have a 28-year-old skill set, you may find that you can engage in different behaviors at work, but your personal life is very different because your default network is wired differently with different work schemas and personal relationships when you're a child when you experienced this trauma you don't work so personal relationships friendships family that has its own set of memories and rules that go with it this is how you are this law what to expect etc. your adult self is the one that did the work so your adult self knows how to behave and react to the work, and there are many different stimuli at work involved, so you're basically working with two different networks, and if you're at work , the adult often starts to get involved when your inner child comes out and a lot of times you realize because you are acting like a child instead of an adult, and what I mean, you know sometimes it can be fun to be a little agitated by a minute, but if you have a tantrum, your inner child is probably coming out, explore why you know without judging why I'm excited right now what's going on, how you can confirm and respond to the child so that barring can feel light once that children are validated and feel safe -scales significantly, so what can you do to validate and respond to the child?
Another way of saying: what would a parent do if a child starts climbing and feels anxious in terms of evaluation? Examine for yourself what is the current behavior you have now. If you have problems, did you learn this from your caregivers? Did it help keep you safe when you were young? Is it still an attempt to protect you from being hurt or feeling vulnerable or rejected? , what would you rather do if you tend to yell or throw things or run away or go to sleep or whatever you do that doesn't seem to help, what would you rather do if you notice that, think you react that way, so if you tend to having disagreements with people, and you need to be in control, and you get very angry if they don't agree with you and you want to change the way you react, you want to react more assertively and less defensively and then think a couple of times if you have reacted aggressively and repeat the situation in your mind, but this time you react the way you would like to react, imagine doing it the new way and imagine yourself repeatedly doing it, the more you imagine your goblin doing this, the stronger the neural networks will be activated when find yourself in a similar situation, so if you've practiced a lot, eventually someone will disagree with you, instead of 'going into a fight or flight mode you take the new scheme that new rule on how to react, think about what you didn't develop or as a child had another way of saying: this is what your inner child is still angry about, why are they upset and how can you help them grieve the loss or minor loss? that will involve processing your grief and its much easier said than done you will go through a process of denial sometimes anger depression acceptance and forgiveness and some people really back off when i say forgiveness and i want you to think of forgiveness as a the forgiveness and power play acceptance can similarly be used interchangeably.
The way I use it, forgiveness says that what happened happened, it can't be changed, but I choose not to continue I have exhausted my energy that I choose not to give you my energy anymore, but I choose not to give you mine because I have other things that use to cry but I can include that I don't want to confront the realities or destroy the illusion, sometimes people want to pretend they actually have a storybook but it probably wasn't. t, but they worked hard to convince themselves that it was really cool, so they didn't want to be sad, but maybe they didn't want to look too deep for fear that it was the curtain that was going to open, they may be afraid of feeling overwhelmed as they start to process the pain, and if you are afraid of feeling overwhelmed, counselors and pastors can really help you process the pain, they may also be afraid of rejection or abandonment if their hearts start to process and start to change , and they begin to be the person they want to be and confirm the inner child they fear. t their caregivers will let them down some of the behaviors we see people have when they try to close the grieving process block out denial just trying to believe it was a nightmare you know what really happened my parents didn't really happen loving and caring people um try to make up stories try to explain or make excuses for why things happen or take all the blame you know my parents wouldn't have had to do that if I were a better kid or it's my fault these other things happen respect and integrity strategies to your inner child not just when distressed mind you you can wake up some days and think you know what I want ice cream for breakfast probably not the best thing to do every day but every day once in a while maybe you need to address what inner child does a personal bill of human rights you have the right to your feelings you have the right to your thoughts you have the right ho to cry what you don't have you have the right to ex If you expect certain behavior from your caregivers, you get the idea, take it easy and be curious. change is never easy, start slow, change slowly, experiment, really work to develop a secure foundation relationship with your inner child, and it will take time for you to get curious. if thingsseem wrong or you don't understand why you feel a certain way, don't judge, be curious, don't tell me I shouldn't feel this way, say why, why do I feel this way, then help me forgive the inner child and your adult self for the things you did, maybe you sabotaged relationships, maybe you were bad, maybe you ran away a bunch of times and made your parents sad, but you took responsibility for the parts of your fault, you know the parts that are, you know that you chose to do it, but remember that in each situation it is rare that one hundred percent of the responsibility falls on one person, especially if we are talking about children, when Speaking of children, you know that it is important to see what other factors played into this, and who it is even more responsible for responsibility;
You know that when you do something you regret it, you feel remorse, you feel bad for having done it. It's healthy to hold onto that not so healthy regret that tells you that you did something you're not happy with and you don't want to do it again ok what can you do to fix it maybe you'll just learn from it so it doesn't happen again , maybe you need to fix it, it depends on the situation, and then the fourth r is to release once you have identified that you took responsibility remorse you rectified it however you could so it doesn't If it doesn't happen again, let it go, let it go and that's a lot Easier said than done, but after you've made it up to him, continuing to be held hostage by him is unfair to you and prevents you from moving on.
As a child we grow up but those memories are still a part of us and those hurt memories those hurt memories tend to stay stored in the back and regularly tell us that the world is an unsafe and uncaring place when the inner child is hurt or traumatized and may not get comfort is often withdrawn and that wound remains open the first step is to create a safe non-judgmental environment for the inner child to be authentic and learn new skills help the child learn that it is okay to be who they are and feel their feelings and you will validate them and you will help them cope; secondly identify inner child behaviors and what triggers those behaviors whether it's being controlling or judgmental or acting out in some way you know whatever it is we went through a whole list of behaviors the third step is to start to identify and rehearse new responses to old triggers if someone contradicts you if you fear being abandoned if you feel vulnerable and afraid um because you're afraid of being hurt and you um whatever how can you react how do you want to react differently now instead of doing x you want to fill in the blank once you identify that then you need to mentally rehearse it the more you rehearse it the easier it becomes to call t What a new skill to invoke that new response when you feel distressed Step four is to allow the inner child identify and mourn your losses.
They may be grieving over things that are not tangible, such as a lost childhood. They may be grieving. the fact that because of their childhood they didn't do things they wish they could have whatever their complaints complaints identify them validate them and help the child or help yourself your inner child process them don't disenfranchise their complaints don't tell them, well that It's not something to worry or grieve about if you feel upset about it, it's important to grieve, I hope this has been a helpful introduction to healing the inner child, I look forward to seeing you next time

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