Graham Norton LOVES The Scottish! | The Graham Norton Show | Part Two

billy connolly mrs brown was that was your first big break as an actress, wasn't it? Yes, and it's because of that movie that you were invited to dinner with the queen. No, that was because I was friendly with Fergie at the time of that date. this story and obviously you have to behave as best you can, don't you have a

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icular trick to do? Is it a dinner to do it or are they buffets or what? Oh yeah, the thing is not a buffet, it was a thing for me. and some actor friends did it at the edinburgh festival many years ago, it hadn't been a festival.

They often invite you to these buffets with the mayor and people like that and they give you paper plates and those tomatoes and bits and stuff and a plastic fork and a drink, so you can't do anything with either of them. There is no way you are putting the drink in your tomatoes. It keeps rolling and it becomes one of those little things you used to put ball bearings in Mickey Mouse's eyes, so here you go. What you do if you're ever at one of those buffets is the best thing, the only thing you can do is put your dick on the plate and then get some salad, I'll put it on top, don't put dressing on it, no.

You don't have to make a big mountain out of it, that's true, you just do enough to make it seem like there's something lurking in the long run and every once in a while you just walk around and mingle with people, hello, and then every day you They challenge each other to speak. and talk to the mayor's wife, talk about salad and they make a delicious salad and you can see the women going. I didn't see the sausage rolls. Be careful because those very sharp white plastic forks will urinate on you like a fountain and Kevin.

I was saying the intro I mean your success is extraordinary now you know I'm sitting next to the guy who made three and a half billion dollars my success has been good I'm sorry to knock you down you walk up here as high as a comet and that's like, but no. , but you gotta go soft on the streets and stuff now yeah, usually by people collecting for charities, I asked to sign 25 copies, uh, 25 bootleg copies of my own DVD, can you understand something Kevin, I said no, I got it ? something about the balls in the end is that what he did say balls, yes, he said no, do you really not understand much?

I was going to question it as I went along, but I actually tried the

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in America instead of a gig for A guy congratulated me, and he came up to me after the set and said, Hey, are you really Scottish? I said yes and he said: Your English is quite good because James has now taught you Scottish phrases because you've worked a lot with Jessica. she some Scottish phrase or I don't think I taught her much but I remember sitting here on this sofa a while ago with them uh, I was about to say dame metal street but she's not a dame, no, it should be you.

You're right, American, yeah, an American game called Meadow Street and uh, and I tried a Scottish phrase or to see if you could understand what I was saying, so I'll try it, okay, oh yeah, okay, this place is pure , they steal my ball bags, it's hot. this place is pure robbery of my ball bags this place is ho chi minh balbans pier yes but what does it mean? it means this place makes you feel your balls this place is full of egypt or idiots oh it's not very nice to say you said it to merle street yeah it was robert redford who was very into your english accent oh yeah i'm playing an American in this movie with Robert Redford and I'm playing an American, but I don't stay in the American accent between takes and stuff I find it quite annoying for some reason, so I go up to him and say: Here it is the thing in blah blah, and what do you think this should do?

Then I think you should do that. and he was like: whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa do the American accent I was like I can't express myself properly if I want to come if I'm acting between takes he's like well can you do an English accent in the middle? advice so I know, I know and I'm like I'm Robert Redford uh you have to do it yeah but why do you want to put on an English accent because he could understand that and he couldn't understand mine? That one I mean horrible as it is makes sense the next one was the blind cameraman what you don't know anything you know I don't know no one gives you a book to say this is how you become an actor this is what you do, you're just an idiot, You know, drinking beer and eating curry and people say you're an actor now, did you send those pictures to people?

No, they had nothing to do with me, that was, it was, it was, it was a popular newspaper, oh, so they were published, yeah, I just assumed you were trying to be more, I don't know, they were published, obviously, I was an icon of style because Alan, obviously, theater, very important to you, cabaret brought you to the United States and all these incredible things because how many times did you do cabaret in the end? Oh three, I did it in London with Jane Horrocks, in fact, who plays the role you played. Oh and Kyle Jones. Oh I love it.

I must see it and it's so much fun. I told Jane, you know, 26 years ago, she was my sexy cabaret co-star, now she's my mom and a garbage can, that's the acting industry for a lady, but I did it in London, then I did it in Broadway and then I did it again. on Broadway just a few years ago, then I came back and did it again just to work before I died and at what point did you have that thing where it was really hot? Do you know the story I'm talking about? It was hot, right?

Oh, well, when they hit me on the head, yeah, that was the first time on Broadway. Oh, so what happened was I was uh, I was going to do a movie, so I went to Los Angeles for a costume fitting and I came back and my You know, on the plane you get really funny, your tubes get really funny, so I made a neti pot. You know, that little thing, you put salt water in a thing and you go up like that, it gets up your nose and says. You know that? thing yeah and then it's like a thing to clean your tubes okay uh with salt water kosher salt actually shout out to the juice that's good and so I was doing the

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that night and I'm like resting provocatively.

You know, on top of the thing and you know, like when surfers drop that thing on the surface an hour after surfing, all of a sudden this thing comes out, well, I'm resting like this and all of a sudden, a gush of water. comes out of my nose. and I went down my bare chest and I was like, wow, I'm not that sexy now, so, you know, anvil came to the side of the stage and I blew my nose and then I had to go down the stairs and back on them, by playing and because it was a different route I was taking because I was now off the side, I ran towards a light, a big light, uh, and it came on, I made this big hole in my head and then for the rest of the first half.

I was getting more and more dizzy and was going to open a door that I had in my hand. I couldn't find the handle and I was like balls of sunshine and then, which was very funny, in the interval I went up, collapsed and left. I came out my dressing room collapsed and the stage manager came up to my room and stood over me like this and said Alan, do you think you can do this? Oh, I have to go to the hospital, so they were all there then. These people were suddenly in my room, everyone was going crazy, you know?

I had to go to the hospital and they were trying to take my dinner clothes off and I and I just because at the end of the first act I had a swastika on my butt and I lifted my coat and that was in the spotlight on my cheek and that was the end of the first one as it symbolizes the rise of fascism and uh and um my ass was a conduit and it's been a Conden for a lot of things, cheers, so anyway I thought they're getting faster in the car too, like that that you have to go to the hospital and I was just taking wipes and doing this and I like what you're doing I said well the doctor could be Jewish and I'd be mad and then I got to the hospital and it was actually a very hot night, it was a summer night and it was like it had tubes and wires and everything and there was a lady who had been in the public she had fainted from heat stroke and she was taken to the hospital and she was in the next room in that same hospital wow and so they came in and I was like a mask one said allen is a lady next door and she was fainting and you know blah blah would you come in and say hello?

And anyway I heard them and I'm in my stroller on my little you know, stretcher with wheels, what do you have and with tubes and? everything and I heard him leave, you know how you're so sad, you were so excited to go and see Alan come and she says, oh I waited for months for my ticket, I can't believe I missed seeing him and they left okay, here they are. You and have you done the zero gravity thing with your brother? No, I've been on a plane with my brother. My brother was a fighter pilot in the RAF and he took me upstairs.

He blew up tornadoes and I managed to get a ride in the back seat. a tornado with him which was extraordinary just because I would never know, you know, I never saw him at his job and there I could see right off the side, I could see a little bit of his helmet, I guess and um, he took, we did a loop around Scotland in about an hour and a half and it was extraordinary, but it's horrible, it makes you so sick that it made me really sick anyway and I think I was probably trying desperately to get really sick and didn't pass out.

No, I just threw up. The most humiliating

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for me was when we got back, because then you have to be helped off those planes and there's a ground crew coming up a ladder and you have to hand them your barf bag, you'd think having a lot of kids would keep you young. tech savvy you know you would know what's going on but david tennant this hasn't happened to you recently you found yourself left behind in the world of texting and stuff like that yeah i was now when you start working there's a reason for the metoo movement and many of you know that great strides are being made in ensuring that workplaces are safe so now different companies have different ways of dealing with that and I did I have to do that for a program that was doing?

I had to sit down and watch a video and demonstrate that I would watch it from start to finish and it tells you the things that are acceptable and not acceptable in the workplace and then the right things. at the end of this sequence, when talking about how to communicate on your mobile phone and what is appropriate and what is not appropriate, it says and remember that the eggplant emoji is not just an eggplant and that's it, I'll stick with what it is . It's an eggplant, right, I mean, but that's not what they mean. There's a hole and it turns out I didn't know anything about it.

There's a whole kind of language. Yes, it's usually based on foods where they represent other things. Yes, invite someone to coming out a taco could easily be misinterpreted turns out you knew to be careful, did you know this? Yeah, of course, I mean the eggplant looks like it doesn't even look like an eggplant, it's what you know and then you have the peach and then if you start adding to that, the raindrops and everything you can do, always He's clearly innocent, but you text, do you have a smartphone? Yeah, okay, so I have no idea how that happened to you, that's weird. because since I thought emojis were just meant to represent what they represented, I didn't know that it was all this kind of other language that you had to learn.

Can you be explicit? That is what we need. Yes, Apple needs to go ahead and just call it vagina. a vagina, what is that? and now you look great, but I thought you knew you're Scottish, I thought you might be rocking, you know, the kilt on the red carpet, no, do you ever do the kilt? Oh yes, I have. kill, I've kicked it no on the red carpet no I don't think you should do it yeah maybe I should love the people who go yeah you've done it in Glasgow oh I did hey do you want to answer these questions for my?

The way I mean this is, basically, did you move to the United States? She's from Scotland, but she just goes wherever she wants her to go, yeah, better than me, so if I say something bad, you keep me in line, apparently she will, yeah, within minutes of the show, yeah. So maybe I wore a kilt to my sister's wedding, although in Paisley, Scotland, and I had to go read and my mother and my family were in the front row and of course, as you know, in Scotland there is a certain rule to wear kilts and you know I'm sitting like this, everyone's kneeling forward, you know, and my mom is looking at me, she's doing this and she goes, I think she's telling me to pray, the whole congregation is looking at me, so I like to listen, I'm looking out and I think and then I realized that everyone is looking to the right, oh, and I think this is not going to work and that's why I always forget that I've used matas, it's always a disaster you