George Carlin On Religion

I believe that the list of Commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to reach 10. It is a stuffed list. This is what they did about 5,000 years ago, a group of religious and political con artists got together to try to figure out how to control people, how to keep them. When they were in line, they knew that people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some Commandments on a mountain when no one was around. God had given them the Ten Commandments, but let me ask you this when you were sitting there making this up why did you choose 10 why 10 why not nine or 11 I'll tell you why because 10 sounds official 10 sounds important they knew that if they were 11 people wouldn't I'd take it seriously so what are you kidding? the 11 Commandments come from here but 10 10 sounds important 10 is the basis of the decimal system it's a decade it's a psychologically satisfying number the top 10 the 10 most searched for the 10 best dressed so having the Ten Commandments was really a marketing decision and For me it is clearly a list, it is an artificially inflated political document to sell itself better.

I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of Commandments and make a list that is a little more workable and logical. Let's start with it. the first three and I will use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was taught when I was a child I am the Lord your God You shall have no strange gods before me You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain You shall sanctify the Sabbath from the beginning three first pure sabbaths sabbath day name of the lord strange gods creepy language creepy language designed to scare and control the primi no way superstitious nonsense like this applies to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century you throw out the first three commandments you have seven left next honor your father and mother obedience respect for authority just another name for controlling people the truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic they should be earned they should be based on the performance of the parents, the performance of parents, okay, some parents deserve respect, most of them, no, period, now you have six left, for the sake of logic, something that

religion

is very uncomfortable with, let's skip down the list a little .

Thou shalt not steal Thou shalt not bear false witness stealing and lying well actually they both prohibit the same type of behavior dishonesty stealing and lying so you don't need two of them you combine them and call it Thou shalt not be dishonest and suddenly you have five left and while we let's combine I have two others that go together You will not commit adultery You will not covet your neighbor's wife once again these two prohibit the same type of behavior in this case marital infidelity the difference is that coveting takes place in the mind and I don't think you should prohibit fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what is a man going to think about when he waxes his carrot?

But marital fidelity is a good idea, so let's keep the idea and call it Thou Shalt Not Be Unfaithful and suddenly we're left with four, but when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value, so you could actually combine the two Commandments of honesty with both. Commandments of faithfulness and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative and call it all You will always be honest and faithful and we are left with three You will they leave they leave quickly You will not covet your neighbor's goods this is just stupid to covet the Your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going, I'm right, your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays Oh Come All Ye Faithful, you want to get one two, greed creates jobs, leave it alone, you throw away greed Now you have two left , the great commandment of honesty and fidelity and the one we have not yet talked about.

Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt murder, the fifth commandment, but when you think about it, when you think about it,

religion

has never had a big problem. with murder no more people have actually been killed in the name of God than for any other reason, all you have to do to be sure, uhhuh, all you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, the Middle East , Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades and the World Trade Center to Look how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill The more devout they are, the more they see murder as something negotiable.

It is negotiable. Know. Depends. Depends. It depends on who is killing and who he kills. So with all this in mind. I leave you with my revised list of the two Commandments. You will always be honest and faithful with your Nookie supplier and will try very hard not to kill anyone unless, of course, they pray to a different Invisible Man than the one you pray to. two is all you need. Moses could have carried it down the hill in his pocket and if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind if those people in Alabama put it on the courthouse wall, as long as it included an additional commandment.

Keep your religion to yourself Department in the Department a businessman cannot compare to a clergyman because I have to tell you the truth friends, I have to tell you the truth when it comes to Big Time Major League, you must be amazed. If you are amazed by the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion has no competition, there is no competition, religion easily has the greatest story ever told, think about it, religion has really convinced people that there is an invisible man who lives in heaven and watches everything you do. Do every minute of every day and the Invisible Man has a special list of 10 things he doesn't want you to do and if you do any of these 10 things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish. where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and drown and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time but he loves you, he loves you, he loves you and he needs money, he always needs money, he is almighty, perfect, omniscient. and all the wise people somehow just can't handle money religion requires billions of dollars they don't pay taxes and always need a little more now you talk about a good good story holy thank you but thank you thank you thank you thank you very much but I want you to know I want you to know something this sincere I want you to know when it comes to believing in God I really tried I really tried I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness loves us very much and keep a close eye on things.

I really tried to believe that, but I have to tell you that the longer you live, the more you look around you, the more you realize that something is happening, something is wrong here War disease death destruction hunger filth poverty torture crime corruption and the ice caps something is definitely wrong this is not a good job if this is the best God can do I am not impressed by results like this they do not belong on the resume of a Supreme Being this is the kind of what you would expect from an office temp with a bad attitude and right between you and me, between you and me, in any well-managed Universe, this guy would have been off his almighty ass a long time ago and by the way, I say this. guy because, seeing these results, I firmly believe that if there is a God, it has to be a man, no woman could or would do things like that, so if there is a God, if there is, I think most reasonable people could agree I agree on that. he is at least incompetent and maybe just maybe he doesn't care about something that I admire in a person and that would explain a lot of these bad outcomes, so instead of just being another mindless, pointless, directionless, blindly believing religious robot . that this is all in the hands of a creepy incompetent father figure who doesn't care.

I decided to look for something else to worship something I could really count on and immediately thought of the sun. It happened like this overnight I became a sun worshiper well not overnight you can't see the sun at night the first thing the next morning I became a sun worshiper. Sher, several reasons, first of all I can see the sun okay yeah unlike other gods I could mention I can actually see the sun I'm big on that if I can see something I don't know about it somehow helps The credibility throughout you know so every day I can see the Sun as it gives me everything I need warmth light food flowers in the park Reflections on the Occasionally there is skin cancer, but hey, at least there are no crucifixions and we don't catch fire at people simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is quite simple, there is no mystery, no miracles, no pomp, no one asks for money. there are no songs to learn and we don't have a special building where we all meet once a week to compare clothes and the best the best of the son never tells me that I am not worthy he does not tell me that I am a The bad person who needs to be saved no He has said an unpleasant word. He treats me well, so I adore the son, but I don't pray to him. I know why he wouldn't brag about our friendship.

He is not polite. I have often thought that people. treat God pretty roughly, don't you ask for billions and billions of prayers every day, you ask, beg and beg for favors, do this, give me I need a new car, I want a better job and most of this prayer is done on Sunday, is it a day off? It's not nice and it's no way to treat a friend, but people pray and pray for many different things. You know your sister needs surgery on her crotch. Your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall, but especially you.

I'd really like that sexy little redhead at the convenience store, you know, the one with the eye patch and the clubfoot, huh? Can you pray for that? I think you should do it and I say, okay, pray for whatever you want to pray for. anything but what happens with the divine plan remember that the divine plan a long time ago God made a divine plan he thought about it a lot he decided that it was a good plan he put it into practice and for billions and billions of years the divine plan has been working just Okay, now you come and pray for something.

Well, suppose what you want is not in God's divine plan. What do you want me to do? Change his plan just for you. Let it seem a little arrogant. It is a divine plan. What's the point of being? God, if every idiot runs out with a $2 prayer book and comes and improves his plan and here's something else, another problem he might have, suppose his prayers aren't answered, what does he say? Well, it is God's will, it will be done well, but if it is so. God's will and he's going to do what he wants anyway. Why does the trouble of praying in the first place seem like a huge waste of time to me?

Couldn't you just skip the sentence part and go straight to his will? It's all very confusing, so I avoided this a lot. I decided to worship the son, but like I said, I don't pray to the son, you know who I pray to. Joe peshy Joe peshy Joe peshi two reasons, first of all, I think he is a good actor, okay for me? That counts secondly, he seems like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesy is not there, he is not there, in fact, Joe Peshy overcame a couple of things that God was having trouble with for years.

I asked God to do something. about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe peshy, clear that up with a visit, it's amazing what a simple baseball bat can accomplish, so I've been praying to Jo for about a year and I've noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers he used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Peshi are being answered at about the same rate of 50% half the time. I get what I want half the time. I am not the same as God 50/50 the same as the four-leaf clover in the horseshoe the wishing well in the rabbit's foot the same as the Mojo man the same as the voodoo lady who tells your fortune by squeezing the testicles of the goat is all the same 5050 so choose your Superstition, sit back, make a wish and enjoy For you and those of you who look to the Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple more stories.

Maybe you want to see The Three Little Pigs. It's good and has a nice, happy ending. I'm sure you'll like it, then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it has that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf eats Grandma, which, by the way, I didn't like and, finally, I've always drawn. a great moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty, the part I like the most, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together, that's because there is no Humpty Dumpty and there is no God, none, no god. It never was in fact I'm going to I'm going to say it this way if there is a God if there is a God who can kill this audience look nothing happened nothing happened everyone okay okay I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I I'll raise the stakes I'll raise the stakes a little if there's a God, let him kill me.

Look, nothing happened, wait. I have a small cramp in my leg and my balls hurt. Besides, I'm blind. I'm blind. now I'm fine again it must have been Joe Pesy uh God bless Joe Pesy thank you all so much Joe bless you all thank you so much I appreciate that you made it, look at this.