George Carlin - Flying [Live from NYC '92]

Something else we have in common is

flying

on airlines and listening to airline announcements and trying to pretend that the language they use is really English, I don't think it all starts when you first get to the gate. announce that we would like to start the boarding process additional words process no need to board is enough we would like to start simple boarding tell the story people add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are the boarding process sounds important. Isn't it just a group of people getting on a plane?

People like to seem important. Meteorologists on television talk about rain activity. It sounds more important than the rains. I even heard a guy on CNN talk about a rain event. I swear to God, he said Louisiana is waiting. a rain event i thought holy hope i can get tickets for that emergency situation news people like to say the police have responded to an emergency situation no they haven't they have responded to an emergency we know it's a situation , it's all a situation anyway As part of this boarding process, they say we'd like to preboard, but an example is, what does preboarding mean anyway?

You go up before you go up. That's another complaint of mine. Overuse of this prefix before. in all the language now pre this pre that places the turkey in a preheated oven is ridiculous there are only two states in which a heated or unheated oven can exist preheated is a meaningless term it is as if it were prerecorded this program was prerecorded well of Of course, it was pre-recorded. When are you going to record it next? That's the purpose of recording to do it beforehand. Otherwise it doesn't really work. Is that so? Pre-existing pre-planning Pre-projection You know what I'm telling them?

People pre-suck my genital situation and seem to understand what I'm talking about anyway as part of this pre-boarding, they say we would like to pre-board passengers traveling with small children, but what about passengers traveling with children big? you have a 2-year-old with a pituitary disorder, you know, a six-foot baby with an oversized head, that kind of kid you see in the National Inquirer all the time, actually, with a kid like that, I think it's you better check it. You walk with your luggage on the sidewalk, right? They like it down there, it's dark, they're used to that at this time someone is telling you to get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane.

I'm getting on the plane on the plane let the evil coneval get on the plane I'll be here with you people in uniform it seems like there's less wind here maybe they'll tell you that you're on a non-stop flight well I don't think I care about that, no, I insist Where my flight preferably stops at an airport, it's those sudden unscheduled stops in cornfields and housing developments that seem to interrupt the flow of my day. Here's one they just invented and almost crashed when two planes almost collided. They call it a near miss it's a near miss a collision is a near miss look they almost missed yes, but not at all they could tell you that your flight has been delayed due to a change in equipment broken plane tell me to put my seat back but I don't hit that way if I could put my seat back I would be in porn movies then they mentioned carry on luggage the first time I heard carry on luggage I thought they were going to bring a dead deer on board I thought what the hell I mean by that they don't have little TV dinners anymore So I thought: go on, go on, there will be a party, people will continue on the plane, well, I don't care about that, I like a serious attitude. on the plane, especially in the flight deck, which is the ultimate euphemism for cabin, I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a nice word like cabin, right?, especially with all those flight attendants coming and going all the time.

There's a word that's changed stewardess first hostess then stus now she's a flight attendant you know what I call it the lady on the plane sometimes it's a man on the plane that's a good equality I'm all for sometimes actually They refer to these people as uniformed, uniformed crew members, as opposed to that guy sitting next to you in the Grateful Dead t-shirt and You hat who's working on his ninth bottle of Kala. I might add that as soon as I close the plane door, that's when they start the safety talk. I love the safety talk.

This is my favorite part of the plane trip. I listen very carefully to the safety talk, especially that part where they teach us how. wearing seat belts imagine this here we are a plane full of adult human beings, many of us partially educated and actually taking the time to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle. Place the small metal flap on the buckle. Well, I ask for clarification on that point, here, please, here, yes, thank you very much. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say place the small metal flap on the buckle or place the buckle over and around the small metal flap?

I am a simple man. I do not have an engineering degree nor am I mechanically inclined. BL. I'm sorry I took it. takes up a lot of your time, please continue with the wonderful safety lecture high-tech seat belt safety lecture continues the next thing they do, they tell you to locate the nearest emergency exit. I do this immediately, I locate my nearest emergency exit and then I plan my route you have to plan your root it's not always a straight line it's just that sometimes there's a really big fat guy sitting right in front of you well you know you'll never get over it I look at me around looking for women and children midgets and crippled midgets War widows Paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anyone who can't seem to move very well, emotionally disturbed people, they are very useful at a time like this, you might have You have to do everything you can to find these people, but you will get off the plane much faster, believe me, I say, let's see, I will go around the fat step on the Widow's head, I will move those children out of the way, I will knock down the paralyzed people and I will get off the plane where I can help others.

I can't be of any use. help anyone if I'm unconscious in the hallway with a big foot on my head I should get off the plane go to a nearby farm have a Dr Pepper and call the police the safety conference continues in the unlikely event that this is very Suspicious Phrase which especially comes from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times in the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure. The roof flies off. An oxygen mask will drop in front of you. Place the mask over your face. and I breathe normally fine I don't have a problem with that I always breathe normally when I'm on an uncontrolled vertical dive at 600 mph also usually right in my pants they tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your son with his I don't I needed to be told that, in fact, I'll probably be too busy yelling to help him.

This will be a good time for you to learn to be self-sufficient. If you can program your VCR, you can learn to adjust the oxygen fairly. something simple, just a small elastic band on the back is all, it's not as complicated as, say, a seat belt, the safety conference continues and the unlikely event of a water landing, well, what It is exactly a water landing, am I wrong or is it this? It sounds somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean. Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. Well, imagine my seat cushion is just what I need to float across the North Atlantic for days clinging to a pillow full of beer farts.

Thank you. The flight continues. A little later, towards the end, we hear that the Captain has activated the fasten seat belt signal. Well, who gives who activated it? What does that have to do with everything that's on, doesn't it, and who made this man a captain? Ask if I slept through some kind of armed forces swearing-in ceremony or something Captain, he's a pilot and let him be happy with that, but those tourist ads or whatever mark of your intellect you're lucky to work on, tell the captain of the Air Marsh Carlin. says "go yourself" the next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off Before leaving the plane, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you may have brought on board.

Well let's start with the seat in the immediate seating area, it's a damn seat review. around your seat to look for personal belongings, what other types of belongings are there besides public personal belongings? Do these people really think I could be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park? Could have brought on board. Well, I could have brought my Arrowhead collection. I didn't so I'm not going to look for it I'm going to look for things I brought on board would seem to increase the probability of finding something wouldn't you say you tell me to move my seat back and change the table to the original positions above okay who Are you going to return this guy with the Grateful Dead t-shirt and hat to its original upright position?

Right now they tell you that you will be landing shortly, that sounds like we are going to miss it. the final approach to the runway isn't very promising either, it's final, not a good word to use on a plane, sometimes the pilot goes up, you'll say we'll be on the ground in 15 minutes, well that's a bit vague. Now that we're rolling, she says welcome to O'Hare International Airport. Well, how can someone who just arrived welcome me to a place they're not even in yet? Doesn't this violate some fundamental principles? law of physics we're only on the ground for a second she looks like the mayor's wife we ​​local time well of course it's local time what did you think we were waiting for?

The weather in Pango Pango, enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever. your final destination could be all destinations are final that's what final destination means if you haven't gotten to where you're going you're not there yet the captain has asked more from the fake captain you know about someone who's supposed to be

flying

on a plane , he is taking a great interest in what I am doing here, so you remain seated until he has stopped the plane completely, not a partial stop, because during a partial stop I get up partially and continue to observe the no sign smoke.

Even inside the terminal it is physically impossible to observe the no smoking sign, even if you are standing right outside the door of the plane let alone inside the terminal, you can't even see the planes from inside the terminal, which takes me Terminal is another unfortunate word used in association with air travel and they use it all over the airport, right? I just can't get hungry at a place called The Terminal snack bar, but if you've ever eaten there, you know. It's an appropriate name, thank you very much, that's fine.