Every Generation Explained. Karen Morgan

I see we have many

generation

s here tonight, which I love because I love seeing different age groups. The interesting thing now is that the

generation

s are fighting each other. Like boomers are mad at millennials, and millennials are mad at Gen Z. So sometimes it's confusing as to what group we're in in the first place and who we're supposed to be mad at, so I'm going to help you all. Our oldest generation right now is called the silent generation. These people were born between the years 1920 and 1940. They are called the silent generation because when they were children they were seen and not heard.

These are my in-laws. They are in their 90s. These are the people who still cook with lard and are afraid of the microwave. (Audience laughs) My in-laws have been married for 65 years. (audience laughing) 65 years in a row. And apparently, if you've been married that long, you no longer have the ability to hear the sound of the other person's voice. (Audience laughs) As I go to their house, they both talk to me at exactly the same time. Two completely separate conversations. And I don't want to be rude, they're my in-laws, they're sweet people, so I try to go back and forth in both conversations, which is like having a conversation with someone with a blank stare.

You do not know. (Audience laughs) You don't know which one to enter, do you? You don't know which one is correct. So I usually go with my father-in-law because his stories are better. He likes... (audience laughs) They really are. He likes to talk about the war on squirrels in his backyard. (Audience laughs) He's fighting a war. He has spent $1,000 to save maybe $3 on bird food. I swear. (Audience laughs) He has aluminum sheets over all the trees and has electrified the bird feeders. (audience laughing) He's amazing. So what happens is the little squirrel shows up and is trying to eat lunch, and he turns around and electrifies it and shoots it.

And my father-in-law sits there all day with his binoculars. Look, here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Woo, there it goes. Court. (Audience laughs) And he is the happiest man on the face of the Earth. (Audience laughs) And that's why they've been married for 65 years. The next generation after the silent generation are the baby boomers, and the baby boomers were born between the 1940s and the mid-60s. This is my mom's generation. These are the people who perfected smoking. They smoked at home, they smoked at work, they smoked at church, they smoked in restaurants between bites.

There were ashtrays on the McDonald's tables. They smoked in the car with their children with the windows tightly closed. But we are all still here. Now, for some reason, boomers are upset and angry at millennials. And to be fair,

every

one is mad at millennials. And I think it's because they invented avocado toast. (Audience laughs) And the word artisanal, and they're putting pumpkin spice in too many drinks that shouldn't have pumpkin spice, right? And it's not his fault. Millennials, it's not your fault you're so dumb. It's not your fault. (audience laughing) It's not. It's because your Star Wars had Jar Jar Binks.

It's not your fault. (Audience laughs) It's not your fault. It's not your... and it doesn't matter because all the millennials are getting married and having babies now, and their lives are over. So it doesn't even matter at all. (Audience laughs) After the millennials comes Generation Z. Generation Z was born between 1995 and 2015. Generation Z, these are my children. Good luck, America. (Audience laughs) Generation Z doesn't know how to write a check. They don't know how to address an envelope. They don't know how to read cursive. They don't know how to read a paper map. They can't get anywhere unless they have a GPS map on their phone.

All I'm saying is that if Gen Z takes over the world, it'll be pretty easy to take it back. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We're simply going to write our battle plans in cursive on a piece of paper. (Audience laughs) And then mail it to us in envelopes. (audience laughing) Did I forget someone? Did I forget any generation? Thanks, Generation X. Awesome. Look, I didn't forget about Gen X. I was born in the first year of Gen X like you, and I'm so happy you're here. Look, here's who forgot about Generation X last year, CBS News forgot about Generation X, a whole generation of people.

They made the silent generation, the boomers, and downgraded the millennials, and then, they forgot about 65 million of us. But this is all you need to know about Generation X. We don't care. (audience laughing) We don't care. We lift ourselves up. We do not care. In fact, we like it. We like that you left us off your little list, CBS News. We are like the secret dive that only the locals know about. We don't have to advertise and we will never close. (Audience laughs) Generation X, we are the latchkey kids who were raised by boomer parents. We sat in the back seat of our mother's truck, looking back at the people behind us. (Audience applauding) Just saying hello.

Just saying hello. (Audience laughs) (Audience applauds) No one was wearing a seat belt, not even in the front seat. If your mom's arm wasn't strong enough, you deserve to go through the windshield. (audience laughs) We're all still here. We will never close the business. (Audience laughs) We didn't have helicopter parents and, in fact, we had the opposite of helicopter parents. We had Home Depot parents. Where it seems like there should be someone in the store who can help you. (audience laughing) But there isn't. Nobody comes. You're on your own. This is Home Depot. Do you need a manual saw?

Well, there's only one left in the entire store, and it's on a shelf up there. Just grab a ladder, my friend, and start climbing. And don't put it on and cut your arm because they're not going to take you to the hospital. In fact, it will be your fault if you get hurt. (Audience laughs) This is what you get. Suck it, blow on it, rub some dirt on it, push it away and stop crying. Welcome to Home Depot. (audience applauding) That's what you get. No one cared that we were bored. Nobody cared about our grades. No one cared that we were eating lunch in a rusty lunch box. (Audience laughs) You had a rusty lunch box, didn't you?

You did it. No one cared that we were hit in the face with real red rubber dodge balls. (Audience laughs) Not the little, foamy baby kind. The real rubber reds that left a cross print. (Audience applauds) He left a mark on your head until the next day, just boom. Nobody cared. Nobody came to our sports practices. Nobody brought sliced ​​oranges. Certainly no one was organizing a play date. (Audience laughs) That's how my mom organized a play date. At 8:00 in the morning, my mom would say, "Everyone, go out and play." Boom. She closes the door. TRUE? Yes.

That's what we did. She closed the door. We weren't going to come. We were out there all day. We had nothing to eat. We had nothing to drink. We didn't have a juice box or goldfish crackers. Where? - The hose. - Yes. Yes. And we're all still here. (Audience laughs) And the water was very hot. in the backyard? What were we doing there? Well, we were trying to kill each other (audience laughs). We had fights with rocks, fights with clods, fights with green pine cones and fights with air guns. Yes, we did, but there were rules.

We had rules at most. (Audience laughs). No intentional headshots were allowed. We had bottle rocket wars and Roman candle fights. And the only thing my father said was, "Don't shoot yourselves in the eyes." (Audience laughs) It was good. And eventually, we would go out and get on our big wheels and ride through traffic. We made Evel Knievel ramps on cinder blocks with plywood with nails sticking out of it. (Audience laughs) Nobody wore a bicycle helmet. We are all still here. We will never close the business.