The Not So Subtle Signs Of Getting Older. Cathy Ladman

I put on makeup tonight to look

older

and more tired. As I did? (audience laughing) Thank you very much. Makeup is a very strange concept, isn't it? It's so random. I get up in the morning, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror. Wow, I don't look so good. Maybe if my eyelids were blue, I would be more attractive. (Audience laughs) Where did that come from? Okay, I'm doing it. (Audience laughs) Women don't want that. We don't want to look like toucans. That's not what we're looking for. We want what men want: everyone wants to look younger.

And gravity is making it impossible. That's why I have a mirror by the front door to make sure I look presentable when I leave the house. So I was leaving the house recently. I looked in the mirror. And I saw something on my neck. So I leaned in a little closer to see what it was and it was my neck. (Audience laughs) My neck was hanging from my neck. (Audience laughs) How depressing is that? (Audience laughs) But I won't have plastic surgery. No, I'm not going down that rabbit hole. The most I'm willing to do is hold my upper arm flaps back with chip clips (audience laughs) because I don't want to hurt anyone when I wave goodbye. (Audience laughs) My skin has lost much of its elasticity.

Oh man. Do you know what happened recently? I took a nap on a corduroy quilt. It took me six hours for the wrinkles to disappear from my face. (Audience laughs) It's insulting. (Audience laughs) And then... oh, it doesn't stop. I was in the ladies room, one of the public bathrooms. And I had one of those high-powered hand dryers, the Dyson ones, where you put your hands in it. I looked down and the skin on the back of my hand was fluttering like a flag. (Audience laughs) When I took them out, they looked like four-day-old balloons. (Audience laughs) It's very depressing.

But I like having gray hair. I really like deep gray hair. It's very... thank you very much. It's very... (audience member applauds) Thank you too. (audience laughing) It's very easy. It is very low maintenance. I love that. And I've noticed that guys look at me a lot more now that I have gray hair. And I think I know why. I think it's because they think I can't get pregnant. (audience laughing) Yeah. The kids like that. (Audience laughs) I'll tell you how old I am. I don't mind telling you how old I am. But let me see if you can guess.

I'm going to give you a hint. I was at my friend's apartment. And I actually said it out loud to him. I actually said, boy, that's a nice pill box. (Audience laughs) That's how old I am. (Audience laughs) I recently had to buy a new pill case because my doctor gave me a new prescription. And I'm taking so much medication that I couldn't fit one more pill in the compartment. So I had to go to CVS to the pills and prosthetics aisle. (audience laughing) And it's an education. There is a whole hierarchy of pillboxes. Start with the entry-level pill box: the single compartment pill box.

Then you move to the AM/PM pillbox. Then the morning, noon and night pill cart. Then the pill cart for morning, noon, evening and bedtime. Then you have to hire a caddy to hand you pills all day until you pass out and die. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Okay, I'll tell you how old I am. This is how old I am. OK. I was walking my dog ​​recently. And we are at the end of the block. And there was this boy, about 11 years old. And he's riding his skateboard. And he's talking to his friend on speakerphone. And I hear him say to his friend: I'm on the corner of 18th and Oak.

And then I hear his friend say over the speaker, "Are you close to that old lady with the dog?" (Audience laughs). I'm not an old woman. I'm not an old woman. Nobody listens to me. By the way, I'm just shouting, I'm not an old woman, which shows that I am an old woman (audience laughs). Now I also get these senior coupons. coupon recently for burial in ashes at sea (audience laughing) A coupon... (audience laughing) said, burial in ashes at sea, $595 And at the bottom, in smaller print, it said, reduce the high cost of die. I would like to die, but it is very expensive. (Audience laughs).

If there was an offer about dying, I'd be dead right now (audience laughs). What I would like to know is who is using the coupon. Who has the presence of mind on that particular day? Well, we better make arrangements. Oh wait, I have a coupon (audience laughing). So, we adopted a girl from China. you guys (audience laughing) And even though I adopted, I still got the epidural. (Audience laughs) That's right. They weren't going to fool me with that. (Audience laughs) She had tried to get pregnant. I was about 45 years old at the time. And my doctor was a little worried about my age, so he did a lot of tests on me.

And she called me to her office. She sits me down. She looks at me very seriously. And she says, "Cathy, your eggs are old." She said, well, your diploma is too, but I'm being polite. (Audience laughs.) Yeah, my husband had a vasectomy and my eggs were old. So we decided to order (audience laughing) Chinese. (audience laughing) Yes, I'm 66 years old and I'm raising a 19-year-old girl (audience cheering). I'm past menopause and I'm raising a second-year student. year. I am a member of the PTAARP (audience laughing) 66 and 19 years old, we are in completely different stages of our lives I remember when she finished potty training, I was losing control of my bladder.

He asked me to blow up a balloon, I had to change my pants (audience laughing). It's not even a joke (audience laughing). Oh, what a pleasure. man. She hates me, so she's well on her way. (Audience laughs.) I really love going to Costco. But it doesn't make sense for me to go there anymore because there's nothing I can buy there that I can live to finish. (Audience laughs) I can't use that many Q-tips. (Audience laughs) Every time I'm there with my daughter and we're leaving, I point to the cart. And I look at her and say, "someday all this will be yours." This is my legacy." (Audience laughs) Yes, I became a mother at 48.

Crazy, just crazy. And it was exhausting. I mean, it's exhausting to be a father at any age, but to be a new mother at 48 years was crazy. I'm going to try to describe to you how exhausting it was for me when my daughter was little. And I checked into the hospital and I lay in bed. And my first thought was, oh, this is so. relaxing (audience laughing). I don't know why I haven't done this before. (audience laughing) You have to push what? Oh, I don't care as long as you're not three, you can't hurt me. (audience laughing) I've learned a lot by being. mother.

I have learned that I have no time or money left. It is a thing of the past. The closest I have come to having a facial lately is when I drain macaroni (audience laughs Sometimes, I do want a very facial). deep cleansing, I simply open the dishwasher halfway through the cycle and stick my head in. Then I close my pores with some Jet Dry (audience laughs). That's my beauty regimen: $0.59 each. (audience laughs) My daughter... oh, man. She was always smart. She's still smart, but she was very smart when she was little. And one time she was bugging us to buy her this little computer game: this Nintendo DSI.

And she kept talking about it. And she kept saying how much better off she would be if she had a Nintendo DSI and how much better off the whole family would be if she had a Nintendo DSI. Finally, we are preparing to go on a long car trip. And I realize that she is right. We'd be better off if she had a Nintendo DSI. So I went out and bought him one. Get home. I handed it to him. She was delighted...over the moon. She opened the package and played with it all afternoon, into the evening, until she had to go to bed.

The next morning, she comes to pick up me and my husband. And she tells us: "you have changed my life." A Nintendo DSI changed his life. Adopting from a Chinese orphanage...not so much. (audience laughing)