Dry Bar Double Feature - Shayne Smith

laughing) He says, "Now we're the alligator kids. (Audience laughs) Let's go to Wendy's and make this official. (Audience laughs) No. So, this is happening, I bought the newspaper and I read the article and This is real, he used the alligator as a weapon, okay. And when I read that I thought, "Did he at least hold it as a weapon?" (Audience laughs, he threw it (audience laughing) through a window.) drive-thru (audience laughing) Yes! (audience laughing) I didn't see that coming, did I? (audience laughing) You know who else didn't see it (audience laughing) So many things have to happen before you can? even throw an alligator (audience laughing) You have to find it in the wild (audience laughing) Also, by the way, how horrible is Florida that there are only alligators available to you (audience laughing) What was your qualifying material? looking for a specific guy or are you the first one he saw?

He said, "This is the one." I took it, was that it? (audience laughing) So this is real, this happened, in Florida, a place connected to the America (audience laughing) where we all currently live! (audience laughs) An adult man, with a driver's license (audience laughs) found an alligator that day. He didn't even build a relationship with it. (Audience laughs) He takes this new alligator and places it with the seat belt in the back seat of his car. (audience laughing) I guess. (Audience laughs) I just have no idea how to keep him from getting in the front seat and biting you, right? (audience laughs) Not me, (audience laughs) I don't know if you know anything about alligators, but they just do what they want. (Audience laughs) So he puts the seat belt in the back seat of this dinosaur (audience laughs) and then he sits in the front seat and says, "Ugh, I gotta make some money today." (Audience laughs) Looking at the flyer, "Oh, I could get a job," and he says, "No, there's no time." (Audience laughing) "I spent most of the day "on that crocodile thing" (audience laughing) Projects. (Audience laughing) (exhaling loudly) "I could rob someone." He says, "I could rob a place," because places have more "money than somebody." (Audience laughs.) "Rob a bank," and he says, "No, no, "they'll be waiting for that." (Audience laughs) He's thinking about it and then he thought, he comes to the conclusion, Wendy's. (Audience laughs) They have money and chili, that's the place. (Audience laughs) So he drives his new gator to Wendy's, okay, he pulls up to the drive-thru and the drive-thru lady says, "Hey, how can I help you today?" And he says, "Give me all the money." And she just looks right at him and goes, "Uh, no! (Audience laughs.) "You didn't even come in? (Audience laughs) "You failed in this robbery." And the guy is so angry and says, "Give me the money at the register or I'll kill you!" And she's from Florida, so she's not afraid of death or anything like that. (Audience laughs).

She looks at him and she says, "No, if you had a gun, you would have shown it to me by now," I call your bluff, "Get out of here, you crazy man, go, go, go!" angrily. And he says, "What?" You know what? "I don't have a gun" but wait. (audience laughing) And then he stuck an alligator (audience laughing) through the drive-thru window! (audience laughing) Yes! (Audience laughs) He skipped a lot of steps in that robbery. (Audience laughs) If I had a list of things I was supposed to do, I would have thrown the alligator out, looked down and said, "Oh, no! (Audience laughs) "I was supposed to threaten her "with the alligator." first." (Audience laughs) By the way, can you imagine being her?

He just scolded this guy and he was like, "You know what?" I don't have a gun." And you're like, "Wow, you did it, I'm really doing it today." And then he sits back and starts unbuttoning the ugliest kid in the world. (audience laughing) Like "Ugh, hey," what Someone come and see, this is wild." And then you look back and an alligator is flying. (Audience laughs) Imagine being the car behind him! (Audience laughs) Just sitting there with your girlfriend, like, "Why does it take so long" to make burgers here? (Audience laughs) She's on the phone and you say, "Do you mind?" You look back. from her and then an alligator rises, oops, from window to window (audience laughs) "Honey, put down the phone, "they're throwing alligators "at Wendy's! (audience laughs) "This guy is crazy! " (Audience laughs) She is talking on the phone and says: "That doesn't make sense, they don't even serve alligators here." (Audience laughs) "What, why am I with you?" (Audience laughs) So, this guy is sitting there, awkwardly, with no more alligators to play with in the robbery (audience laughs) Probably thinking to himself, "Ugh, do you think if I ask for my alligator back?" laughs) What a bad idea to throw him away, he didn't even put a fanny pack on him like maybe he'll get some money while you're there, I don't know (Audience laughs) So (Audience laughs) and he leaves. laughs) Yeah, and they arrest him immediately. (Audience laughs) He wasn't even wearing a mask. (Audience laughs) Yeah, he said, "I'm in Florida," people throw alligators, "I'll probably get lost in the shuffle. ". (audience laughs) Um no, he didn't.

They remembered him, arrested him pretty harshly afterwards. At the end of the article, this is true, he says, "No one was hurt," the alligator was safely released "back into the wild." And at the end of the article he said: "No drug involvement is suspected." (Audience laughs) Oh yeah, Florida? Was that your sober plan? (Audience laughs) What's the plan for not being sober? (Audience laughs) You ride a horse and the alligator throws you off? (audience laughing) What's going on? (Audience laughs) I make fun of the alligator guy like he has my life together, but he doesn't. (Audience laughs) There's no easy way to say this, but my life isn't, it's not together.

My personal life is not as good as you think it could be. And some of you say, "Shane, "your life has to be going well, "look at you on stage." Yes, I'm living my dreams and that's nice, but my personal life is also in tatters. Let me tell you, okay, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm going to open up and say it, okay. I'm 32 years old and I recently pooped my pants, okay? (Audience laughs) Yeah, I'm not supposed to do that! (audience laughing) Uh. (Audience laughs) By the way, I don't like the way some of you laugh.

If I feel like you, just to clarify, I didn't just do it, I wasn't just looking at Batman like, "Dah, this movie is good," "I don't think I'm going to make it." I didn't shit my pants for the love of the game. (Audience laughs). He had a reason (audience laughs). This is what happened, okay, I had food poisoning. poisoning, I was parallel parking my car, (audience laughing) that's not part of it, it's mostly a humble brag, but I can parallel park my car, so, I was parking my car, I got food poisoning and I coughed. (Audience laughs) Yes, and it happened to me. (Audience laughs).

It happened, I pooped my pants. Listen, you know sometimes you fart and say, "That was pretty gross, but I'm fine." " (Audience laughing) Not that one! (Audience laughing) No! I pooped my pants so fast and so hard it was like someone else had pooped my pants. (Audience laughing) It was incredible. (Audience laughing) Audience laughing) By the way, I didn't even know that was one of the options when you cough. (Audience laughs) What? (Audience laughs) I've been pooping in my pants for 32 years. Did I say poop my pants? I meant cough. (Audience applauds) Cut that, cut that in post, everyone. (Audience laughs) Let's delete that, okay (Audience laughs) Listen, You guys don't know my life. (Audience laughs) I've been coughing for 32 years. (Audience laughs) Not once, after coughing for 32 years, have I been like (coughs), "Wow! (Audience laughs) "What was that?" One of my friends said, "What just happened?" like, “I coughed, “I almost pooped my pants.” He says, “Yeah, that can happen, “I have to be careful with that.” Not even once! (audience laughing) Like, the cough waited 32 years and then betrayed me. (audience laughing) Like, one time I was in ninth grade. and I was giving a talk in front of the class and I coughed and my body was like, "Shall we do it now?" (audience laughs).

And then puberty said, "No, we'll embarrass him." (Audience laughs) "You guys, wait 20 years and then get him out, right before he has to do comedy." (Audience laughs) Yes, I was parking at a comedy club! (Audience laughs) It was the worst case scenario, so I get out of my car, I can't get back in, it's not one of those. (audience laughs) I was like, "What do I do, what do I do?" And I thought my first plan was to buy pants from a homeless man. (Audience laughs) But they, the homeless, are never there when you need them. (Audience laughs) My second plan was to buy the shirt from a guy who was wearing two shirts.

But here's the thing, if you try to buy the shirt from a guy who wears two shirts and tell him you need it because you shit your pants, he'll run away from you, so. (audience laughs) I was going to use it like, anyway, I don't know what I thought. Then I look across the street and there's like a shopping center. And I thought, I have to get there, so I duck in. You know, yeah, it's a shameful ride. People can figure it out, they can. A boy tries to talk to me and his father says, "Stay away from him!" And this kid says, "Because of the way he looks?" And he says, "No, other things, go away!" (Audience laughs). "Go away." (Audience laughs.) So, I walked into the first clothing store I could get into and the guy who worked there he said: "Hello, how can I?" Can we help you today?

I was like, “Come here, come here right now.” And he's like, “Oh, what's going on? What is it?" And I said, "Here's the deal, man, I completely shit my pants." (Audience laughs.) And he just said, "Excuse me!" I said, " Am I stuttering right now? "Daniel, okay! (audience laughing) "I need you on my team, right, "there's no time." "Don't they train you for this?" (audience laughing) He said, "What do I do?" like, “Go get me a pair of jeans right now.” Then he runs out and comes back and says, "I have sizes medium and large." And I said, "Give me the medium ones!" He looks directly at me and says, "Do you want to try them on?" (Audience laughs).

I said, "Do you think" this is a game, Daniel? (Audience laughs) "I need the key to your employee bathroom and an undisclosed amount of time, man." "How many times are you going to make me say, 'I pooped my pants!'" (Audience laughs) In a strange twist of fate, I'm currently wearing those pants. (Audience applauds) Thank you so much to Everyone, have a great night! (audience applauding)