The Whitest Cuban You've Ever Seen. Jose Sarduy - Full Special

If you're looking at him, he's got incredible abs and eyes you can get lost in for

ever

. He is very good with animals and loves walks on the beach. And he is sensitive but also strong. Alright, I just had to add that part. Please do not hit me. (Audience laughs) I'm a pilot, which a lot of people don't know much about because they immediately say, oh, are you a pilot? Like Tom Cruise in Top Gun? Like, no. It would be that small. MMM yes. (Audience laughs) I can't make that joke in Los Angeles because there are lawyers and stuff.

Yes, Scientology may not be real, but their legal department is definitely real. (Audience laughs) No, I'm a cargo pilot. That's the job he had. So if you

ever

watch the movie Top Gun, there's a part where he gets yelled at by his boss. He says, "If you get this wrong, I'll have you fly cargo planes

full

of rubber dog poop out of Hong Kong." And that's the part of the movie where I go, that's me! That's me. Guys, that's what I'm talking about! I'm in Top Gun. Check it out (audience laughs). Because as a cargo pilot, your stories are not the same.

They have interesting war stories. I thought, well, you know, they're embarrassing or weird (audience laughs). First I'll give you one of the scariest moments of the 2003 Iraq war. We're on the ground refueling my plane. We were hit by a mortar attack. Listen, I received training in the air. On land I am useless. I couldn't put the magazine in the gun. My Kevlar was half pooped. It was not a good day (audience laughing). I heard the mortar and screamed as if ah! of ammunition (audience laughing) So either they're embarrassing or they're weird. I was once told I had to carry 600 pounds of cages

full

of live chickens.

I'm glad we finally didn't have to do that because a bunch of chickens in an enclosed space, I was born in Cuba! I would have been behind. "Ladies and gentlemen. (Audience laughing) "That's what I'm talking about." Who's flying the plane? "Anyway, do 'the white and the red.' "Hit the target. "We call this one Mike Tyson. "He likes to bite." (Audience laughs). I told that story during a show, and a simulator instructor of mine who flew during Vietnam saw the show and said, "I have a joke." You can add this story to your story. Just don't use my name, okay?

So Colonel Cooper was flying into... (audience laughs) flying in Vietnam. They had cages of live chickens in the back. They are going to land and do this as assault landings, and the runway has been bombed. They cannot land and can put parachutes on everything except chicken cages. Then they have a problem. in the flight deck of the plane and the commander says, what are we going to do? I need ideas. What do we do with these chickens? We can't throw them on their backs in the cages. All the chickens will die. What do we do? The young 18-year-old airman, loadmaster, says, "Hey, chickens are birds, right? (Audience laughs) "We just throw them away one by one. "What about that?" The way it works in the military, when you have a brilliant idea, you have to put it into practice.

They are flying over this town in Vietnam. They managed to open the cargo doors of three planes in formation. And then, in what must be the strangest Air Force radio call of all time, they said, 'Throw the chickens' on Vietnam." (Audience laughs.) They hear nothing over the intercom in the back. "Loadmaster, do we have the chickens out?" Loadmaster, hey, can we get a report "from behind?" The flight deck door opens. On walks this 18-year-old aviator. His left arm is clawed and bloody. He has feathers on his shoulders. Van, what happened? He says, "that worked" for the first chicken. (audience laughing) "And then the rest of them "got really smart." (audience laughing) I imagine the chickens in the cages saying, what is she doing with Maria?

She's a Cuban chicken. Obviously a Cuban chicken. What is he doing? With Maria? "I don't know." Oh, look, I think they're going to kick us out (audience laughing)! I was flying to Thule, Greenland, years ago, it was 2004. We were taking supplies there and Thule, Greenland, is in the Arctic Circle and the race, it's on a glacier, the tracks are white, the markings are red. you're landing on a sheet of ice. And I land this 300,000-pound cargo plane and I'm immediately losing control. Ability I had to land this plane and not fall into a ditch when we were taxiing.

It was so icy that we went down the gangplank and our. First crewman said, "Okay, I'll go put the chocks on the--." Whoosh, bah, right on his back. And all of us are at the top of the ramp like everyone be careful. (Audience laughs) It's very slippery. (Audience laughs) We all walked in like someone needed a Zamboni, in this whole area. This is ridiculous. So I landed on it and rolled on it and another person just fell off. I felt so great about myself. Like my head was swollen, like... I just did that. I'm a pilot, honey.

I walked in there and the guy behind the counter was like, "Hey, who landed the plane that time?" Everybody goes, the lieutenant did it. And he says, "I've been working here" for 15 years, that's the one. Best landing I've ever

seen

. I thought, I'm going to need to lubricate this head to get through the doors. I'm going to need to do more neck exercises if I'm going to be this big from now on. of myself. I walked over there with a very confident swagger. I looked that guy straight in the eyes and said, "That's very nice of you to say.

By the way, when we get here, is there somewhere around here we can go." to see the penguins? (Audience laughs) For those of you who aren't laughing, listen to the next part because he didn't miss a beat. He looked me in the eye and said, "That's the South Pole." audience laughs) That's what I learned in the military. Don't be arrogant. Eventually, you'll look stupid. I served my load time and now I'm a flight instructor. That's what they call me. Flight instructor in Del Rio, Texas. Has anyone been there on purpose? (Audience laughs) This is great, isn't it?

Yeah, you don't need to go, everyone else. We just bought a Chick-fil-A a couple of years ago and they said, "We're a metropolis." I say, no, you're not. No, you are not. I'm an instructor on paper, but my job is actually to inspect flights. My job is to make sure that people who shouldn't be pilots don't become pilots. You're welcome, America. (Audience laughs) Because there are some people who shouldn't be pilots. I was getting ready to take off with this kid. We're sitting by the track, right? One of the busiest airports in the world. People land and he just… right?

We are sitting front to back. I can't see what he's doing. Out of nowhere he says, “Shit, sir.” Well, we're already dead because you don't talk nonsense on a plane, even if you look out the window and see what could only be described as nonsense. You see a magical turd floating around with a halo and wings. It has bulging eyes and is like a hiding place. (audience laughs) Even then you're supposed to say, "well, that's peculiar." That's what a pilot says. (Audience laughs) I put my hand on the ejection handle, these rocket seats. And I say, what do you see?

Do you see? He says, "There's a big old grasshopper here with us." (Audience laughs) Maybe this flying thing isn't for you, Twitch. (Audience laughs) Finally, this other kid... and that one He didn't make it through the program, but this one did. One day he made a mistake. We were flying in formation, two planes, 10 feet apart. We're getting ready to land on the runway, 150 miles per hour, 10 feet apart. He says, "What, sir?" ...(audience laughs) I got so mad at him. I was like, learn your references. This is pushing up the roof. (Audience laughs) Come on now. .Deep sleep.

Deep sleep. (Audience laughs) I'm going to end my show by talking about one of my favorite topics: love. Who's in love tonight? Clap your hands if you are in love. (audience applauding) Look at all the people saying, why do you have to bring this up, bro? Now listen, I think... I love lifelong couples. Where are my long-term partners? Has anyone been there for a long time? (audience applauding) Right there. How long here? How many? - 30. - 30. And the man answered. That? She said, we're sitting in the front. He says, let me look at my calendar. You may have to answer some questions. (Audience laughs) That was good.

Do you remember the first night you went out with him? - Yes, you did it? Did you kiss him the first night? He says, look at me, sir. (audience laughing) And that's okay. If you kiss the first night, that's fine. I once had an older couple sitting opposite. He has been married 62 years. I told him: did you kiss him the first night? She says, "I slept with him." (Audience laughs) She says, "It was 1948." She said he was going to war "the next day." (Audience laughs) We weren't fighting anyone in 1948. The old man looks at me and says shh.

That's what I'm talking about. You guys were great. Provo I'm José Sarduy! Thank you so much. (audience applauding)