Funniest joke you’ve ever heard about being late. Andy Woodhull - Full Special

I live a life where I n

ever

know what will happen soon at a movie theater near me, my wife and I are

late

for

ever

ything, it's a big deal in our relationship sometime now or if we have to be somewhere at six , she tells me she has to be there at 5:30 to trick us and be on time and it never works and the reason why in her works is because I'm not the problem, that's why it doesn't work, the only thing she does is trick me It's making me angry for an extra half hour every time we're

late

for something we're late for the movie I want to check on my wife she was painting her nails My initial response is anger because it's dark in a movie theater no one even goes I know what you've done In fact we could paint your face before we go out tonight no one would know how to say things my wife is the woman I chose of all the women on the planet to spend my life with and I'm a little worried how Some of you laughed at that.

It was supposed to be a

joke

. It's ridiculous to say it. Photos of all the women on the planet. Most women did not even have the opportunity to be interviewed for the position they were chosen for. a different group i chose are the women who lived near me and would say yes if i asked them to marry me its a much smaller grip it still means something to me you know i love my wife so i want to see her paint her nails follow my Mouth shot up I simply accept that this is the life I have chosen for myself.

I live a life where I never know what's coming soon at a theater near me and then I'd like to see what color she was painting her nails and she was painting them light and then my brain exploded. You are doing something? Because it looks like you're pretending to paint your nails. If you need me, I'll be in the front yard mowing it with the bubble maker. Let me know when I'm ready, I have so many bubbles to come out here, she told me that she painted some transparent ones because it makes her nail shine and she likes it when they are shiny and I support her in that decision.

I want them to be shiny too. I'm just sorry. as if we could have achieved the same results by ordering popcorn at the cinema a large popcorn Extra butter no napkins we have to look let's get it she went to bed with everything once my wife was late to watch Netflix in our own house and that should be impossible because Netflix starts when you want, we choose a movie and then she says: don't start it yet. I have to go to the bathroom and then about half an hour later I'm sitting alone wondering what happened to my wife and I went to look for her.

I found her in the shower and I said why would you take a shower when you know I'm waiting in the other room alone staring at a blank screen like a and she said I'm not going to take a shower I'm rinsing off uh and that's how my wife hits me in arguments she just denies that I am doing what I said it made me angry and I don't know how to defend myself from that I am not smart enough I have 37 years of experience in life lead me to believe that what I am seeing now is called shower.

You just told me no. I don't know where we go from here. You're in the shower. These bare. water like this is not a shower if you were rinsing you would be in a colander I would be holding you in the sink like a bunch of racks trying to get the pesticides off that's how she always wins we were on a highway I traveled once and she fell asleep. I told him honey, you have to wake up. I'm sleepy too and we need to talk to me. She said. I'm not asleep. I'm resting my eyes. Okay, are you ventilating your throat too?

Because? Your mouth has been open for the last 15 miles, you should start chewing because you have three gummy bears in your mouth that you don't even know, that's how I've stayed away, come here shooting triples with the yellow gummy bears that only they try. to be alert I would have continued but I'm just giving you the disgusting flavors you think you're going to get a red one you're not even awake you're crazy I mention my girls they're already my they're my stepdaughters I'm a stepdad stepdad took over a couple's lease as girls a few years ago thank you very much other other stepfathers here any other view of broken homes ahead were you able to get out where is the step? that someone raise your hand your stepdad back there what I said raise your hand you clap I mean, yeah, I still appreciate how many things you have kids, sir, a big, you and your wife are going to have more, do you think there's one on the way? congratulations, good for you, it's amazing, it's amazing, I think it's fun.

I would love to have more. I would love to have more. I would probably love him more than the ancients. Do you think that would be true? I mean, probably, of course. not on purpose of course, you would do your best to love them exactly the same and they would never know it unless they watch this

special

. I would do everything I could to love them exactly the same. We're just admitting that I'm a human

being

and there's a small chance that I like the new ones more and there's nothing I can do about it and for those of you who see me judging right now, why don't you pretend for a moment that they spent their entire lives wanting to do it? you had a boat, you wanted to grow up and own a boat and then one year you married someone who had a boat, it was everything you thought it would be when you loved that boat and helped take care of it, and then the next year you did your own ship without using any of your genitals, which one will excite you the most?

That's all I'm trying to say, no, no, I don't even think it makes you a bad person, I think it's just pride of workmanship I think Cooper's, you love old Bo, you love old bum forever 'cause that It's the ship, I let you know that you enjoy

being

the captain of a ship, but if there was a hurricane and you only had time to save one of your ships. from the port do you know which one you would choose it's a lot of pressure being a stepparent is a lot of pressure I love responsibility but it's a lot of responsibility I walk with the weight on my shoulders every day I'm responsible just knowing that I'm the third person on an emergency contact list, which It's scary because one is no big deal, number one is no big deal, but number three, if you call me, it means there's been an emergency and it's been going on for a long time, it's probably multiple. emergencies if they get my name on the list there is not even a line on the form for stepparent who is a candidate to write on the back of the form I am third in line to be in charge of these children I am like the President of the House, if it's me, big things are happening, my daughters are teenagers now 14 to 16, I have a couple of teenagers at home and they are really accepting it and every time I tell people I have teenage daughters at home They always say aha. good luck with that, it's very difficult, someone said it a moment ago, no one can resist telling you how difficult it is and it is difficult, sure, but I think I'm good at it because I know how to talk to teenagers, I speak their language just the Another day they asked me to take them to the mall and I said, oh, I have to do it and then they said, are you going to take us or not? and I said: I was going to do it, they have hugged all the teenagers.

Laziness is the biggest stereotype. I'm proud of how lazy my daughters are. People tell me all the time that, as a parent, you should want your children to achieve things that you couldn't achieve and I could only have dreamed of being. lazy when I was his age we didn't have the technology available for this level of laziness. This will make me sound ridiculous to the young people in the audience, but it took me ten years to watch every episode of Friends. My girls eliminate that. on the weekend we had dinner together one night and while my daughter says let's make ranch dressing on the salad and I said yes we do it, it's in the refrigerator and then she said oh and then she ate her salad without ranch dressing like I had to do it. take a trip to Hidden Valley to get salad dressing, we don't live in a mansion, we live in a house where our refrigerator is in the room where we eat, she even had to get up and just sat there and angrily choked on a dry salad ; she was too lazy to turn to the refrigerator and I respect that we took the kids to a corn maze last fall, that's your corn mazes in Utah, hey you guys really excited about her karma, is that right ? you think the mountains are pretty you should see these corn mazes we go to this lipstick is from Deer Creek and this one is from a corn maze we are in the corn maze together for fun in the fall ten minutes after the maze my stepdaughter calls She called me on my cell phone and said Annie, I'm lost, yeah, well, you're in a maze right now.

That's exactly the experience we paid for this afternoon. Did you think we took you to a corn aisle? What did you think it was? It's going to happen, you're lost, that sounds like I'm getting my money's worth right now, how do you think I could help you? I'm also in this maze, what are you around right now? corn, oh yeah, I remember that part, it's complicated. He knew he couldn't help her, so he tries to motivate her. I told him, listen, we leave in 10 minutes, it doesn't matter, good luck to you if you don't make it, you live here in the corn, now this is your new home, give my respect to Malachi, he will raise you from now on, It will be a strict religious upbringing for you, my stepchildren, but stepparents know that eventually you start to see that your children have some of your personality traits even though they are not seen. like you and that's very funny for me and terrible for my wife.

This happened recently. My wife had to work nights, so she made dinner and left a note for the kids that said, "Put it in the oven at 350 for 20 minutes, that's all." you have to do and then Evie, a nice home cooked dinner, my wife came home from work and my kids had to order two pizzas. She asked them why they ordered pizza and they said it seemed like too much work. My office, curious, called. She asked me what I do, how I punish him and I told her: Did they use her own money? again where my wife will be gone during dinner time so she made a meal and all they had to do was put it in the oven and she told the kids not to order pizza she ordered pizza you're in a Big problem, you didn't do it.

I had trouble last time because I couldn't believe you had done that, so it was so far from the things I expected them to do that I wasn't smart enough to punish them in a timely manner, but this time. You will be in trouble, so don't do it again. She came home from work and my daughters had ordered Chinese food. I love those kids. Sometimes my wife asked me to help her teach them things I don't believe in. She chooses one that we. I've been struggling with not talking about people behind their backs and I don't like that because it's been my life experience that that's the number one place you should talk about Beaver.

I agree that it is bad to talk about people behind their backs. Come back and let them find out. You should only talk about people behind their backs with someone you trust. You guys don't laugh much, but are you really telling me that you've never talked about someone behind your back that you never knew about? It came up because one of my daughters came home from school and was sitting because people had been talking about her behind her back and I felt bad for her because she was upset and I want to help and I have some skills that could be useful in this situation, so I said: if you want, I'll go to school with you and roast those girls who talk about you.

Come on, I'm a professional comedian who could destroy. a couple of fifteen year old girls put these girls in therapy if you want I'm on your side and then my daughter said Annie no one knows who you are okay I guess the roast has already started I felt like that It's bad for her but at the same time I was scared because she was angry because people were talking about her behind her back. I was afraid that one day she might find out all these things my wife and I say about her behind her back. This is something we say is worse than the kids at school were just making fun of her backpack.

My wife and I sometimes say: yes, no, we don't know, she will make it in life, we don't know, but she has the right tools. and we wanted I didn't want to have anything but happiness and success but at the same time I once saw her put a tupperware in the dishwasher with the lid on so we could talk about things when you're not around sometimes they are constantly debating with us they think everything what I'm saying is wrong that's another teenage stereotype we had a half hour debate about whether cold pizza was better than hot pizza that's the stupid thing about today your cold pizza wouldn't even exist if it weren't for how good hot pizzas are I don't know why I participated in that debate for half an hour, I think I was just happy that they wanted to talk to me.

I saw him eating cold pizza and I said do you want to throw that in the oven and they said No, we prefer cold pizza. No, no, you're too lazy to heat things up. We've already established that co-leaders are fine, but no one prefers it. No, it's like bringing a pepperoni to delivery and taking your time to get it. Around here I want the cheese to be hard by the time it shows up, you know what? Forget about the entire order. I'm going to buy a frozen pizza andI'll lick it until it's soft enough to chew because I'm a teenager. and I'm never wrong, teenagers are the size of real people and that will bother you sometimes.

I walked into the living room and saw my wife bending down to put a DVD in the DVD player and I thought, look at that, I think I'm going to Give him a little pat on the butt, let him know I'm back there, you know? maybe maybe even a forehand backhand if you lean into it, you know, not too hard, though not harder than what I begged him to do to me every year on my birthday, so I took my hand back and prepared it for the party and then out of the corner of my eye I see my wife in the other room everyone is following the horror show that almost took place in my living room thank God I saw my wife from 10 thank God I saw her so I don't know what I would have done if I had gone ahead with that sandwich I have to ruin my life I'm going to ruin seven years of trust built between stepfather and stepdaughter if I had done that I think I want to be like I told you no DVD until you do your homework we have rules in this house young lady, I have been married for four years, we had a beautiful wedding, we did this Japanese tradition at our wedding where, as a couple, you fold 1,000 paper cranes and then if you can finish for your wedding.

On the day you're supposed to have good luck in your marriage we did an Americanized version of the Japanese tradition where the man folds 995 paper cranes and then the woman folds five unrecognizable paper cranes and then for the rest of our lives we just Let's Tell everyone that we folded 1000 paper cranes. I hope you were lucky. The amount of luck we have in our marriage is proportional to the number of cranes we fold that afternoon. I don't know why these feelings only seep into your half. from the bed maybe you should have folded more cranes 4 years of marriage is good and the biggest fight we ever had happened the day we moved in together this is what happened I was unpacking my boxes oh I saw myself and she said what are you doing You bought those dishes with those dishes when you lived with another woman and I don't want another woman's dishes in my house and I understand that point of view but before you decide that she is right and I am wrong I like to remind you that my wife has two daughters oh, I don't think I'm being unreasonable with these dishes.

I'm just trying to point out that you didn't come to the picnic empty-handed, that's all I'm trying to say if I want to go into details. I like to point out that my dishes don't look like my ex-girlfriend's when I met him. They were much younger when I met him. They were just learning how to live for the first time and that's a nice age where they're trying to lie for the first time because little kids don't know how bad they are at lying, they don't know about alibis or alternative facts or anything like that and it's nice. see them become liars. they will be adults one day 1:01 she took some c

andy

from her kitchen one night and ate it during the night and the way we surprised her was that she left c

andy

wrappers lying on the floor of her room when we asked her where she was the wrappers came of candy she said I don't know as if there was a chance we were going to say oh we don't know either this is a real mystery we have on our hands we may never know who ate those Twix bars my wife was upset well for what, then we have to punish her.

She just lied to us, that's very serious. I don't think we should do it. I don't think punishing her solves anything other than smart parenting. If we punish her, we have to let her know that I found out because of all the evidence she left behind her and that she doesn't teach him not to lie. That star teacher to hide evidence the next time she wants to lie. I think we need to be smarter about it. This is what I want to do. I want to tell him that it was a monster that ate that candy I'll tell him well if it wasn't you then he wants that monster that comes to our house sometimes thank God the candy was there or maybe it ate you sweet dreams we should start throwing tootsie rolls on the floor of his room every night just in case you know what I did.

I stayed up every night sneaking into her room. I ate those tootsie rolls and left the wrappers behind and that's smart parenting. Let me keep these. The children are alert and it is also a good life lesson for her. Lying is a necessary life skill that she needs to improve and this way she maybe she learned something because the first time I said she was a monster she maybe she thought she was telling a lie. But after waking up to evidence that monsters are real for weeks straight, she'll have to accept monsters. There is a possibility in the real world and that is how to tell a lie, young lady, they lie much better now that they are teenagers.

Teenagers are just confident in everything they say, it will ruin your mind. One night they were getting ready for bed and I said, "Hey, did you brush and floss your teeth?" and one of my girls says "Yeah, I did" and I said "Well, that's weird." because I just saw you weren't, that's why I brought it up in the first place, it's my fault for phrasing it as a question and then she said, I told you I did it and that's all you need to know coming at me with that attitude. so I don't have to be a father right now, so I said, okay, this is how you want to play.

I'm just going to go through the trash in the bathroom for dental floss to see if you're telling me the truth. change your answer and she said: I dare you to go through the trash, you'll feel stupid at this point. I thought maybe she squashed the philosophy and I blacked out for a minute. I've never been so sure of myself, even now, I think. I wore khaki pants, but if someone came up and said nice dress, I'd be like, Am I wearing a dress? Oh, but the only rule I know about parenting is that if you threaten the kids, if you threaten them to move on or else the kids will walk all over you, so we walk to the bathroom together to go through the trash for floss.

She's talking trash the whole way, but how disgusting that will be and what a fool I am. I'm going to feel like I get there and look in the trash and there's no floss and I turn around in triumph. The stepfather has won this round. My daughter crying and the next thing you know I'm giving her a hug and apologizing. Do you understand what she was? able to make me, she made me angry and then made me apologize for getting angry, she is really becoming a woman. I just think it would be cool if they were bad guys getting away with it forever because right now it's not a big deal.

Okay, we found some candy wrappers on the bedroom floor, that's not a big deal, but in a few years we might find papers. of rolling on the bedroom floor and now that we're seriously parenting, our kids are experimenting with drugs and they're not the good ones that you can get legally in Colorado and they come in cookie form and there's a list of ingredients on the back of the back and all ingredients are locally sourced, all butter and cookies come from pasture raised cows that only eat grass. and they are never forced to live within the confines of a fence and are only impregnated during consensual sex with bulls they are in love with.

You have to go to Whole Foods to get that butter, but even it's worth the extra $30. When he was young, my friend was caught with a cigarette and his mom and dad made him smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and he didn't want to smoke cigarettes again. I have a similar idea if we find marijuana in our children's room. My idea is my wife and I finish it, that's my idea, we finish it and then our punishment is that they will be with us all the time. I'm not even a drug user, but I will do it because I love my daughter.

They are going to hang the holes. fact, no, you can't go play at your friend's house, let's go watch another one of your soccer games on television, look, these things are fun, everyone goes for the ball at the same time, it doesn't make any sense, Kids, you have to spread the word. Have you ever seen people play soccer or Mary just came out of a field chasing a butterfly Heather is digging a hole this is a disaster who is coaching this team anyway what is that is your real dad well my bad then Yes, it's bad, I think it's something difficult?

Being a stepfather means that I don't have that built-in thing that biological parents have of making them feel proud of everything their child does. I'm proud of most things my kids do because they're super cool kids, but I'm not proud of everything and people I know know that babies are proud of everything. I've had more than one friend call me to brag about how early his baby raised her head and it's stupid for me to even mention it, but even more so. a guy called me, I mean, dude, guess what my baby is raising his head long before the baby normally raises his head.

We're probably going to have some of them put her in a

special

school for girls. The next thing that was strong or something like that is chubby. chubby arms and legs but her neck is torn in front we have to make cuts in the front of all of her onesies so she doesn't rip them off when she flexes her giant baby Nick. I'm jealous of that level of pride. I want to have that. You know, here's an example of what I'm talking about, one of my daughters came home from school and said today we run the gym in Milan.

I guess at the time I said I don't know, maybe like nine minutes and then she said sixteen minutes. Well, I wouldn't have guessed that she ran all the time. It's a terrible time for a mile race. Something went wrong? Was there someone playing defense on the edge of your mile? Did you have to run a mile through a corn maze? What happened? Shall we feed you? birds in our backyard, that's a big part of our lives, we feed them. I don't know what the birds in our backyard did before we started spending $30 a month on birds, but times were tough for the birds in the wood hauling backyard. clinking around coffee cups around tweet tweet food for the boat my wife loves those birds so much that one time we were on vacation and we were running out of birdseed and she got really angry and said: what are we going to do if the birds run away?

Without food while we are away, what will happen to the bird? I thought, well, I guess they'll probably die. We'll come home to a backyard

full

of dead birds. You know, we'll have to rake. Pick them up and get on with our lives, we can let the kids play in the piles but only for the first few days, one time she came from Whole Foods with Whole Foods brand bird seed and it tasted like smoked barbecue, no no we are going to feed them. smokehouse barbecue flavor I'm going to eat that I like sunflower seeds too Do you think the birds are really in the backyard like they're playing again?

This is unacceptable. It's Labor Day weekend. You know how we like it. We were going to invite the Robins over for a while. party, but if we are serving on a plane we will look ridiculous. Well, I walked into our house the other day and she said there's a copperhead snake in the backyard, you have to go kill it. I don't know if everyone is familiar with the copperhead snake. snakes but they are poisonous snakes and if they bite you you can die. My wife came to our house and told me to fight one to the death.

I have never fought a snake in my entire life because it wants me in a fight to the death. First time in the ring, that's not how you're supposed to start new hobbies, you're supposed to develop them to difficult levels. Let me find a worm, learn some of the moves first, so I told my wife I don't want to. to fight the snake, this is what she wanted to do, wait until she leaves, she said we can't do that, what if it bites the children or bites a dog? I was like, okay, let's not leave dog treats or iPhones near the snake and I think we'll be fine, yeah, that snake, a Wi-Fi router that they need to unplug and plug back in.

I don't think kids are going to mess with that. How about this? We invite all the neighbors to a barbecue. I don't like to just let nature take its course my wife rejects all my ideas she wants this snake dead so this is what she does she calls our neighbor he comes and kills the snake that's not a fun time in the world life of a man standing in yours looking in the backyard while another man protects your family, that sucks, this had a real negative effect on my self-esteem, she

heard

something last night and said, oh my god, I

heard

something, you got I have to go check, I said, I'm going to go check, I'm.

I'm going to call Steve, this is his job from now on. I don't want to go check what happens if he says that the snake family is coming back to avenge his death. What if we accidentally killed the snake Liam Neeson's son and now the snake Liam Neeson is in the other room? now, like I have a very specific skill set, which was the first thing that was in our backyard since then, I killed three of them, I'm on a real rampage, Steve taught me how to do it, he does what you do. Do you take oneshovel, cut off the snake's head, remove the head completely from the body, and bury it in a separate grave, which makes you think some weird stuff has happened between Steve and a snake at some point?

In his life he has to do this strange ritual murder every time he takes Flint out. I think it's cute. He thinks I'm going to dig two graves. I'll just throw him over the fence when he's done. He has made me a braver man though because I am no longer afraid of snakes and none of you should be afraid of snakes either because humans have many advantages in a snake fight. I would say the arms are the biggest. Arms are very useful in a fight. You don't believe me, find a guy with no arms and then hit him in the face with a shovel, you're going to win that fight.

I don't enjoy killing snakes, it's not in my nature to kill things, so last time we did it. one in the backyard. I called animal control and then you guys have to come here, get the snake and take it to the woods before my wife gets home and puts it. One hit and no problem, we'll be there, it's $275. I said, you know what , it doesn't matter, someone just cut off his head, we're all ready here, if you still want the body, it's in Steve's garden. Find it there, we have this coffee shop next to our house that just started a new thing they call a toast bar and if you're not familiar with the concept yet, there's a place where you can go buy toast and it's eight dollars just in case.

Have you ever been at home making toast and thought that this is too much work. I would like to outsource this work and a five thousand percent mark. It used to come free with breakfast but that's an insult to everyone. I mean the toast bar I'm not going to treat myself, so I order a slice of toast with pumpkin butter and they said: we're sorry sir, but it's 11:05 and we stop serving toast at 11:00, What will happen in the back? guy who has a toaster, go home for the day, how come you've lost the ability to heat bread?

Is it a union thing? It's toast for breakfast and you're not willing to serve it in the afternoon. I later found out that the toast bar reopens from 3:00 to 5:00 who runs this place. I was very disappointed, but I was hungry so I placed my order. I thought: okay, you win. I'll have a grilled cheese, leave the cheese. some pumpkin butter we have a dog with a golden retriever beautiful dog and we bought it, we didn't rescue it. I know that's not the popular way to get dogs, but it's also a way to get the hugs we wanted.

The rescue thing, we signed up for Golden Retriever Rescue in North Carolina and we got to nine. It wasn't any kind of humiliation. We filled out forms. They came to our house and then they said it's a letter in the mail that said we don't think the dog should live. in your house we are like we have children and they leave, yes, we also call those people we are all very sad we are all very sad because we wanted that dog we were sad for about an hour and then I remember, oh yes, if I want I can buy dogs , so I went out and we bought a dog that had not been traumatized by a family that did not want him, when it is a great job, he is the best dog I have ever had and I don't even have any resentment towards that rescue organization, in fact, I I donated money last year.

I want to stay on good terms with them just in case they are right about us and I need them to rescue this dog. Sometimes people ask me what my wife thinks about being in so many of my

joke

s and maybe this will explain it to you. I made some of those Conan jokes about her being late for some things and hundreds of thousands of people saw them on the Internet and liked the video and wrote comments about how funny it was and how they have someone in their life, the same So other people wrote comments about how I look like fat versions of celebrities, but those aren't, so my wife was running late for something I mentioned this video to her as proof.

I told hundreds of thousands of people. I laughed at this video almost as if it agreed with my point of view. It's crazy that you're late for everything. That makes me change my lifestyle. just a little bit and she looked at me and said that being late is our main source of income right now, thank you very much.