DANA CARVEY - FUNNIEST VOICES EVER

It's okay, we always have a great time with my first guest. Is there? The Emmy-winning actor and comedian will be in Las Vegas at the Mirage Hotel from the 19th to the 21st, which would include the 20th if you've n

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seen him. person one of the best stand ups please go see him in person just fantastic Dana Carvey ladies and gentlemen wow three nice push ups pretty amazing get fit this is the biggest crowd in the world I feel like we've already made love no. I've been training with my coach. We are working on a book.

The title of the book is. I don't know if you kids can relate to this. They better get fit because science won't let them die. A lovely title. beautiful title, well we found out that what happens when you are a child you are jumping, grabbing and all your muscles are balanced as you get older you are on the type all the time or on the computer what

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your lower gluteal atrophy is like that that the first thing is your hip goes forward, okay, like this, pay attention, Jay, yeah, then your abs go limp and your gut sticks out because you don't have core strength to hold it up, then your upper back goes weak and you and you go out and that's how you walk.

So how are we? How are you doing in terms of I guess I'm okay? Hello say hello to Kevin Eubank Hello, well tomorrow you have the crocodile hunter no, next week we have crocodiles, pay attention, can I? At least make the joke tonight, okay, let us know who might be here tomorrow crocodile hunter, oh crocodile hunter, well, thanks Mr. Leno, yes, he has very strong glutes because he crouches in the swamp, you know, so it's always like I see a crocodile, but I have a tight ass because I bend over so what's next. I had to do that.

I have you. Good to Know. Well, thank you and good night. Good to see you. Jay, how are you to see you. You had a problem with your eye. Yes, you know. Do you ever get something in your eye and it feels so big. I thought I had a Lincoln Log in there or something. Wow, I had Lounge, sorry, I sweated a little. For people, I have something in my eye and they always say: Did you try to take it out? I went over to the guy and it was like an inch long thing that was stuck there.

What do you mean an inch long? What do I mean like a nail? Shoot, Dr., something, how do you get an inch long? I have no idea, he said, were you playing with the cat? I don't know what it was, a hair, I think so. I'm a draget, I don't know, okay, your honor, oh, I have this. in my eyes this is what you're talking about, yeah, but you know you always see this, this is an inch. I'm going to shove this in your eye and see how you get something that long in your eye. I know, I know what I can say.

I was there and I'm fine now, but I was pretty grumpy at the time, not as grumpy as I was at the gym today. Jay, really what happened at the gym. The iPod thing is out of control. You know, people have the iPod on this. The woman is on the bike next to me and you know they just don't know you can hear them. She's very attractive, she's a very sexy lady, but I want to ask you about Valentine's Day, the lovely Mrs. Carvey, what do you have? do something man, every day is Valentine's Day, really, yeah, really, you know what I'm talking about, no, I just, you know, I sent flowers today, you know, we live in Northern California and I bought to this Lebanese florist.

Lebanese, yes, I think it was What do you mean on the card? Do you know and are? Do you know and are you like? It's okay, baby, baby, baby, baby, what else, what more, what more, what more, what more, what more, what else, I love you so much, your mere touch turns me on, the mere touch turns me on. I what else what else what else what else what else put down there okay you know and then you go finally I have a suggestion you know why don't you say that if you ever leave me I will chase you and kill you and your lover love passion love the passion so happy Valentine's Day to everyone Lely, yes, yes, what we have, so yes, I have to do the Mirage, okay, come back and get up, yes, you're going to see Dana and it's great.

It's a great show because I work in that room and I have to follow you. Dan was here last time and he killed and I'm going. Thank you very much, no, but Jay is the coolest character I remember opening for you years ago. We used to work. together, yeah, I would open for him and Jay would be, you know, it's like 3,000 people, he's the headliner. I wasn't on Saturday Night Live. I'm doing like 15. I came back and Jakay had a pipe in the paper. He is about to be introduced. He says, yeah, you could use more jokes.

I mean, they were all good, but you watch a lot of TV during the day when you're traveling anyway. You look during the day, there is nothing to do. I love the healer programs they bring. The woman comes out and she's on the walker, and then they leave, then Jesus is going to heal you and they heal her and they take the walker away and she continues walking like this, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, do you think Jesus would make her go, Yes Yes? Yes, you are Jesus, why not? Thanks, but you know he doesn't like to show off.

Yeah, it's like everyone listens a little bit, but save the card for every guy of you that's ever seen, like myy Povich or, oh, I love those shows. you love Mor, who's the father, well, yeah, who's the father, you know, he's like the ninth boy, you, your dad, you, your dad, you have your ears, him, your dad, and then Murray asked, you are the father and then they start swinging. Me, you and then. this woman comes out 500 lb with a medium drift saying he wants this he wants this he doesn't want what you have he wants this you know why he wants this because I have a toy ass hey I'm working out we'll do it take a break M with Dana right after this I'll be right back welcome back talking to Dana Carvey it's a it's a party here tonight it's a party it's a party Hew this oh I'm sorry now I care that you talk about politics you continue that oh yes I I the North The Korean thing amused me, You know, because they made an announcement, funny choice of words, you know, it's kind of like a wedding.

We would like to announce to the world that we actually have a nuclear weapon and the United States said we will do it. Isolate yourself. Who cares? We isolate. I have my nukes to keep me comfortable at night. Tom Brokaw, even though I miss him on the news, I missed him that way, he talked and he's so cool that he actually needed oxygen on election night because he said the word governor too many times and in the Gator Toal election, the governor and the gooral of the gorial gorial elections. Now why did that work? We don't have weapons.

It's my Tweety Bird North Korean accent. Well, I want to ask you how about how about, like Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson? I think it's cool, just imagine a kid from your neighborhood saying hello. I'm 45 years old, single, and I just moved to your neighborhood and I had a bad childhood, so I like having sleepovers. I know she had a couple of kids, why don't you send them? Everything you hear is like Lock. and Load, you know, Prince Charles is getting married. Prince Charles, yes, my theory is that they have had a 35-year affair. Prince Charles and Camil Pabs, when they get married, the sex won't be as naughty or as hot because they know it will be. sanctioned, you know, I'm sorry, Camille, but I'm not feeling any real excitement right now.

I guess I can try something with the microphone, yeah, well he has the microphone, yeah, what are we going to see if you like this? I would like to sing. a song If I wanted, oh, could we help? No, this is just what happens. You know, you listen to a cell phone and the other person's voice is distorted, but yours isn't and you keep talking anyway. It's like H hello um um hello mom your The voice is a little strange, my voice is fine and she says: Yes, your voice is fine dear, it's fine, how are you doing?

Did you get the oatmeal cookies I sent you? Yes, mom, I made them. Like what else is going on? I worship Satan. What I said. I'm going to make some bacon. I hate when that happens. Thanks for the bite. No, yes, certainly, there you are. You mentioned how the kids are doing. You two guys doing the K's are great. They live in northern California. the redwoods have a good family, yeah I have my neighbor Mississippi Joe, literally Missippi Joe, his name is yeah, it's just this is a real guy, a real sweet guy, go neighbor, go Dana, how are you?

My name is Joe, but you can call me Mississippi Joe because I'm from Mississippi and then he said to me, "He says, I know I sound like an idiot, but I got a Ph.D. I sound like a but I know a nanoparticle if I say so, so yeah, the Kids are great, you know, I'm 13." old so it's like you know 13 is the new 18 and 50 is the new 40 and I can't wait until Dead is the new alive yeah now do you get help raising them? we had a kind of nanny while we didn't want to have one of you, like those actors who never see the child, they just appear in a magazine.

Hi, here's my son and I'm going to give him to the British nanny, you know, something from New York. Act how are you son come here my son I know I haven't been around but how are you son come in hello daddy my nubbies are in a twisted bunch apparently it's a pudding made by Thomas and I have a bathtub afterwards, he is gay. Nanny apparently, but where I live it's dog country, yes you have dogs, well no I love dogs, I just said we dog, well you wouldn't have a dog would you? Why would you joke with Jay Jay?

You know, like when you go to a house, dingdong and then. you hear WWE behind the door like it's a horror movie you're waiting for the door to open you hear Nabisco no Nabisco you don't open the door and you have to do that you know I went to a park and I had a doberman at 100 feet just They run up to me and the owner says he's just not going to bite me. It's like he has his fang an inch from my testicle. What's that? Apparently the owner is a British nanny. Wasn't he the same guy as me?

I know Jay, the

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begin to mingle. I'm going to be honest with you, a twisted bunch and Prince Charles are very related and, uh, they're together and he won't need them and, well, folks, you can see it all, it's the Mirage Hotel. weekend you are very funny Dana Cy Dana thanks friend, I'll be right back with frake Barnett and Liz pillo right after this