Damsel Is Hilariously Bad

Hey, are you tired of traditional fantasy stories about heroism, bravery, self-sacrifice, and good ultimately triumphing over evil? Are you sick of all those toxic white men who dare to rescue women from dangerous situations without even obtaining affirmative consent first? Do you long for a story? that finally gives us a strong, empowered female protagonist who rescues herself and doesn't need a man at all, so congratulations because apparently not only have you skipped virtually every movie, TV show, and video game in the last 10 years, but which is almost certainly the target audience for damzo, a Netflix fantasy film starring everyone's favorite series, Millie Bobby Billy Jean King James Earl Jones Brown, and I have to admit that when I first saw the poster for this film which featured a rude-looking Brown holding a sword, probably I struggled even to lift the publicity photo sporting the proud slogan This Is Not a Fairy Tale.

I actually assumed it was a piece of AI-generated garbage made by someone on Twitter for some fun TR laughs and a tediously predictable girl. boss Trope that has been used in almost every piece of media we've seen over the last few decades, but how wrong I was, this is real, this is a real movie that had working adults working on it, professional screenwriters made up this script, a legitimate producer. Greenlet and I worked on it Netflix agreed to distribute it. Quality actors like Brown Ray Winston Angela Basset and Sh sh shagam Shri sh aashu. The chain-smoking admiral from Star Trek Beyond signed up to star in it and finally here I was at the end of it. series of unfortunate events, a humble drinker sat down to experience it and it really was an experience.

You know Willow at Disney and you also know that it was a terrible idea that she should never have let you know that Disney was so embarrassed about it. that they ended up deleting it from the servers and the memory of it saving it in Oblivion, well, that's basically bullshit for you. I don't think I've ever seen a movie so proud of itself for doing something so completely predictable and unimaginative in my entire life. I don't think I've ever seen such a talented cast wasted so thoroughly on a script that doesn't deserve them at all, and I don't think I've seen so many Hammer films convey their message as clumsily and obviously as this one.

You piece of dog, are you lost, boys? Each and every one of us were not all such good guys. Actually, perhaps what's arguable about the last one, put simply

damsel

, was 110 minutes of self-inflicted cinematic misery that I endured in order to spare you a similar fate. Abandon all hope to those who enter here because the Drinker is about to lay out what passes for a story, so the movie begins in a generic medieval fantasy land that probably does have a name, but it couldn't be AR trying to remember it. anyway. He's been terrorized by a nasty, fire-breathing dragon, so the king does what kings do and leads a small force of horsemen armed with melee weapons to take him out.

Are you stupid or something serious? Guys, do you really understand how dragons work or what the mission is? It goes as well as could be expected and everyone dies, except for the king who kneels before the dragon and begs for mercy. Hmm. I wonder if this could have repercussions later in the story. Fast forward a few hundred years and not just human civilization. we're still at exactly the same level of technological development, but we also know our main man, sorry, main woman, elody, not Melody Minds you because this is a generic fantasy land and they're going for the classic approach of taking regular names and delete random letters to make completely new ones, but Rinker, I heard you say, continue with the plot summary so we can finish this shit without any problem. internal monologue that continues to escape into the real worlds, so El is the daughter of a man who presides over an impoverished city that seems to be located at the North Pole and, instead of seeking diplomatic or economic solutions to its problems, problems, he spends his days chopping firewood to help his people survive, yes, that will really solve the problems of famine and bankruptcy.

Anyway, things change abruptly for Elody when the queen of the generic fantasy land offers her a marriage proposal to marry her son Henry and in exchange, they will get enough money and food to survive through the winter, naturally, her Parents think it's a good idea, oh. Yes, by the way, these are our parents, and in case you had any doubt that this is a modern fantasy film, you can always count on isolated medieval cultures in northern European climes to have the kind of metropolitan racial diversity that would make New York look like. Like the outside flocks, El isn't particularly interested in the idea because she's a strong, independent boss who wants to live a life of travel and adventure and doesn't want a bad, smelly man to stop her, you know, I always like it when the characters living in a quasi-medieval feudal society having the worldview and aspirations of 21st century gender studies graduates from Southern California really helps you immerse yourself in the worlds anyway before you know it, Elod se He is getting married and his sister is also accompanying him. so that the rest of the plot can happen later and everything seems to go well at first.

Elod and Henry get along quite well and bond over the fact that they're both superficial modern archetypes trapped in a low-budget generic feminist fantasy movie that's almost certainly going to damage the careers of every person involved, meanwhile, a Strong, diverse female character wants to meet with other strong female characters so they can discuss their shared hatred of men and ways they can overthrow the patriarchy together, but strong female character is not interested. and she tells him to leave. I wonder what she's hiding, so the wedding ceremony continues and then they take Elody to the mountains for an additional secret ceremony away from any Witnesses.

H seems totally legitimate to me, but then Henry dismisses it. a bridge in the first really entertaining scene of the entire movie, it turns out that the dragon made a PCT with a toxic white king since the introduction after he murdered all his baby dragons without any provocation and every few decades the royal family has to sacrifice themselves . three of their daughters to honor the agreement, but what they actually do is marry girls to family members, mix their blood in the wedding ceremony to make the dragon believe that they are of the royal lineage, and sacrifice them, what the hell are you? telling me that mixing blood through a small cut on the hand is enough to alter a person's entire profile and make the centuries-old F A Dragon believe that they come from a completely different lineage or that no one found it slightly unusual that women Young people marry members of the same family.

Anyway, the entire royal family mysteriously disappears at regular intervals outside of the movie, so El is programmed to be happy food for the dragon, but naturally she manages to escape despite the Dragon setting her leg on fire. , but that's okay because then some magical slugs show up and make amends. everything and the dragon gets so angry that he sets the entire sky on fire because yeah, sure that's something you can apparently do, so then a strong female character kidnaps 's sister to sacrifice her to the dragon. Look, I told you it would be relevant. to the plot later, but then El distracts the dragon and saves its life and then fights and defeats it even when a squad of trained knights in full battle armor could not do so because they were not strong female characters and but because the dragon himself is female, meaning that everything she did up to this point is totally morally justifiable, including roasting and eating dozens of innocent young women outside of the movie, so then the strong and tall dragoness join forces to burn down the castle and murdering hundreds of innocent civilians together and then reuniting with your sister and your strong, diverse female character and returning home triumphant to take down the patriarchy together and that's it, that's the plot for generic female empowerment.

Story number 4271, oh yeah, what a useless, miserable waste of tens of millions of dollars this movie was. not to mention 110 minutes of my extremely limited life, another ridiculous, self-important offering on the altar of the message trying to appeal to an audience of frustrated, middle-aged, borderline alcoholic fantasy female fans who never really existed in the first place, a film that acts as if the last 20 years of entertainment never happened and the concept of a strong, empowered female protagonist who breaks free from the chains of patriarchy, realizes her own power and takes center stage in a dominated genre by men, it is not something that has already been done. has often become so tired and played up as the same tropes that it ridiculously believes it is subverting every aspect of its message is underscored with all the subtlety of a rainbow-colored unicorn covered in neon lights with its horn replaced by an 18-in. a rubber dildo, none of Anthan's characters are even close to real personalities, the women are generically powerful, confident and authoritative, so much so that they are completely interchangeable.

Men are either cowardly, weak, useless assholes who are easily manipulated or shallow, foolish fools. die as soon as it's convenient for the plots you know, subverting a set of outdated restrictive tropes doesn't count for much if all you do is replace them with a new set of equally outdated restrictive tropes, I mean, apart from Brown who gives it to him . everything and yet another shitty production that doesn't deserve it, most of the cast seem to know the kind of advice they're in on and promise to deliver it with listless, low-effort performances that feel like they've been faxed in, I mean, if they believe for a second that Ray Winston made this movie for more than just an easy paycheck and then, bless your heart, sweet summer.

Child's Ultimately Damsel may be the perfect example of glorious self-deception in the world of entertainment, a film that seems to have arrived two decades ago. She's late to the party packed with ideas that weren't particularly new or interesting even back then and so desperate to hit you over the head with her tired female empowerment message that she forgets to tell a story along the way. time in this movie and that is the time I will never get back, so I suggest you don't repeat my mistake anyway, that's all I have for today, leave now.