Alien Covenant - Why Does This Movie Exist?

Remember Prometheus, everyone remember how I tore and you are soul and I called it the

movie

that finally ended the Alien franchise. Remember when I called it a silly, meandering, self-indulgent, and totally unnecessary vanity project from a director who abandoned everything that made the original film. so compelling and interesting and replaced it with a bunch of half-baked philosophical questions and a confusing, contradictory, unsatisfying backstory that no one asked. Remember how it seems almost inconceivable that anyone would want to make another

movie

in that universe, and even if they did. how could it not be sillier, less coherent and more self-indulgent than Prometheus, well prepared to have your expectations subverted more than a TNG fan because here comes Alien Covenant to suck up one hundred and twenty-two minutes of your life and give you nothing.

In exchange, except for a bad headache and a nagging feeling that something very bad just happened, it's a little like a night out at Glenn Rufus, only there are fewer junkies trying to stab you in the face with broken bottles of fast. fast or dead strippers trapped under the axle of your car. Anyway, it's time to talk about the pact, so let's dig in and break

this

shit down. The film begins with a flashback of Guy Pearce as Peter Weyland, the unconvincing old man wearing makeup when he first creates the Prometheus android, playing the piano and talking about the finite. nature of human life and Weyland asks him to choose a name for himself and because Michelangelo's statue of David is there, I think you can guess what he's talking about.

There are no streets far away,

this

scene contains a series of warning signs that We are about to witness a train wreck of a film for example with pretentious classical music that tries to establish a pseudo-intellectual tone starring quite futuristic environments interspersed with pieces of ancient art symbolizing the waning influence of traditional culture and individuality in the face of cold, sterile technology. references to David the Giant Killer that foreshadow David's own role in the quest for physically greater, more power for a technologically superior

alien

bodybuilders conversations between a brilliant but ultimately mortal man and his immortal creation about the finite nature of Human

exist

ence questions where humanity comes from and what the true meaning of life may be, so what can we discern in this opening scene?

Well, it basically means that this movie will repeat the same mistakes that made Prometheus such a tedious, pretentious and overblown short anyway. I guess Guy Pearce costs a lot. of money these days so it's time to fast forward to the present day, it's been 11 years since the events of Prometheus and the Covenant transport ship is on its way to colonize new planets just like Prometheus, the ship is watched by an Android while the crew are in hypersleep and is again played by Michael Fassbender because they stick to formula II Ridley so the androids call Walter and he is having a great time until a solar flare comes out of nowhere like a good RKO and damages the ship, forcing it to wake up. wake up the rest of the crew so they can make repairs, but oh no, the captain burns to death inside his cryogenic tube.

What bad luck that the only person who dies is the most competent and level-headed officer on board. I'm sure he won. It won't have disastrous repercussions later on, but it

does

beg the question of why use an experienced actor like James Franco just to give him three seconds of uncredited screen time, what's the pain like? Unlike previous movies, this team is made up of married couples, because I guess this is kind of a one-way mission, so it makes sense for them to go together or you can just find a group of career-minded Singletons and let them team up one once they reach their destination because, honestly, I can't think of anything else. disastrous than forcing married couples to live and work together in highly stressful and possibly deadly situations that require close cooperation and a unified chain of commands.

I once got into a heated argument with my girlfriend about who shot in a game of pool we broke up shortly after not that it matters anyway the actors and the strip so bad that concepts like having to obey orders from your romantic partner or the possibility from personal disputes to professional judgment basically left unexplored. What I'm saying here is that until the movie tells us directly that you would never have guessed these people were married based on how they treat each other. This is also where we are introduced to the film's theoretical protagonist, the wannabe Ripley.

I honestly can't even remember what. The name of this character is because she is so boring and generic that she has no personality or charisma and is not helped by the wooden board they called to play her. Sigourney Weaver at least seemed like a tough guy, he seemed like he knew what he was doing. and when she was motivated to act, you believed she could pull it off, why don't we have actresses like that anymore? Things calm down due to the solar flare, the crew receives a transmission from a nearby planet, and if you don't know, this place seems like an even better prospect to colonize than the one they're actually headed to.

I would like to point out that there was probably a reason why their original target planet was chosen, perhaps because it wasn't filled with deadly pathogens and murderous

alien

lifeforms in a way that would-be Ripley believes they should follow the plan, but the Foolish substitute captain decides to check it out. the new planet and they find the source of the signal so they land on the planet and go for a walk without any protective equipment or biological precautions and then they find an abandoned alien ship, it crashes and then one of the team becomes infected by An alien spore is floating around, which naturally led me to think what, then you're telling me that there are spores floating everywhere that could infect that chasm at any moment, so why isn't everyone infected within a few minutes of arriving at this place? ?

Everyone has to breathe, don't they, everyone has ears, noses and eyes, why

does

it only happen to a couple of people? Are they really unlucky if they didn't wear the armor of their plots? The facehuggers in the early movies had a very logical function. In order to form the basic life cycle of the aliens and you quickly understood the nature of the threat they posed, they didn't want to kill you, they wanted to impregnate you, if you were quick and resourceful you could kill them or isolate them. before they could attack, but if they caught you, you were in any direction, at least you could see them coming in and try to avoid them, which is why the med bay sequence on aliens was so exciting and exciting.

Ripley and Otter trapped in a confined space with these things and it was a race against time to save them before they were shot down. No, apparently there are just invisibles floating around that could hit anyone at any moment and if that's the case, There is no tension now because there is nothing for the characters to run from. or try to fight it's just a random death waiting to attack anyway, extra disposable number one gets sick so they take him back to the lander but then he starts having a sweet rave and an alien comes out of his back, oh wait, no, this is it.

It's not an alien, this is some kind of proto-alien called a neomorph because this movie likes to tease the possibility of real xenomorphs as if it's some kind of crazy, unexpected surprise or something out of the movie. Furthermore, these people are really some of the most clumsy and incompetent. What I have seen in my life and I am from Scotland we are still learning with hands joined right here they are falling they are bumping into things they are slipping in pools of blood their feet are getting stuck automatic doors they are carelessly discharging weapons in a space confined, then disposable extra number two shows up with a shotgun, but it turns out that shooting highly combustible fuel cells is not a good idea, why are these things kept outdoors like this?

Why aren't they protected in some way? Why isn't disposable extra number two aware of the danger they pose while Ripley wannabe and the other idiots are also on their way back to the lander when disposable extra number three gets sick due to poor random deaths and then another alien comes out of his mouth, wait, so it's like a different alien than the other one, why did one come out of the guy's back and the other came out of this guy's mouth because that's what it looks like? It would be much easier to exit through an

exist

ing hole than trying to exit through a human spine.

You see how it becomes a little difficult to accept a movie that basically has no logical consistency because it sets the rules as it goes on, you don't know what matters because everything could change in the blink of an eye, so they get attacked by a group anyway of non-Xenomorphs and more disposable extras. Oh my god, that's like half a dozen in the last ten minutes alone and I guess we're supposed to care about this, but we don't care at all because these people aren't really characters, they're just bags of meat waiting to hurt and die. open Watching them die is as fascinating as watching a digital counter working.

Remember in the original Alien how the film took its time introducing us to the crew of the Nostromo, building them up as unique, developed individuals with their own quirks, personalities, and motivations. Remember how existing tensions and disagreements within the group were amplified in a believable way. As the pressure started to build and it really felt meaningful and shocking when each of them were killed, it made for a good movie. I missed that movie, but anyway, before they kill off all the disposable extras, someone shows up to save them and they all look like David from Prometheus didn't have his head ripped off his body.

No, I guess he got better by walking away. Dave, the coach, says everything will be fine. No, because there's a storm on the way and there's always a convenient storm in these movies. David. He takes them back to a deserted temple where he's been living for the last 10 years, but there are a bunch of dead bodies lying everywhere and when they question him, he says, yeah, this other girl and I got here on the donor spaceship. and we accidentally released the black goo. that she killed all life on the planet and then she died for unrelated reasons, so there's no one around to corroborate my story, what can you do?

Ray, wow, that was an unfortunate chain of events. I love how no one questions this extremely incomplete explanation, but again, these are the same people who landed on an alien planet without even wearing face masks, so go figure, then it's time for more pseudo-intellectuals like water and David, have a nice one chat. My name is Ozymandias King. Look at my works, you are powerful and despair, then the kiss and the finger. others look at me, I'll do my fingers, but then another non-xenomorph enters the temple and a replacement captain shoots him while David tries to communicate with him like he's a pet dog or something, so David says: "Come take a look at this huge and sinister alien". egg don't worry it won't hurt you and some replacement captain says it's fine so guess what happens outside the movie how come some of these people have as much independent thinking power and common sense as a graduate of Gender Studies and all the instinct? for the self-preservation of a maniacally depressed lemming, why are we supposed to empathize with them again?

Sir Walter goes to look for the missing idiots and that's when he comes across what's left of Elizabeth, sure, he remembers, sure, Prometheus, he remembers how she fought against adversity to be the last human left alive and even fulfilled herself. Caesarean section to remove a baby alien squid from her body before it ripped her apart. I remember thinking how cheap and unsatisfying it would be if they killed her off screen between movies and all we got was a real fake mockup of her in the sequel, well there you go. I guess the writers were big fans of Alien 3, which basically undid the entire ending of the previous movie to give us something that was as bleak and depressing as possible.

We're all going to die, the only question is when Alien 3 comes out. Oh Ridley, why do you hate us so much? More importantly, why do you hate your own previous movie? Why would you replace a generically strong female character played by a somewhat interesting actress with a generically strong one? female character played by a totally bland and uninteresting actress, not a good change my friends, so anyway it's time for David's big reveal and if you didn't see this from about 10 miles away, you're probably a character of this movie. It turns out that the destruction of this planet was no accident.

David arrived in the home world of bodybuildersaliens and intentionally released the black substance that killed them all and then murdered Shaw so he could experiment on it and make more non-xenomorphs than him. plans to use to wipe out humanity, what are you really telling me that this super advanced spline galaxy an alien race that has existed since before the dawn of life on Earth was wiped out by a random Android using its own black goo? Wouldn't there be safeguards against this exact possibility? Wouldn't there be some kind of early warning or planetary defense system to protect them?

Wouldn't they be a little suspicious when one of their lost donut ships suddenly returns after being missing for about 10,000 years? It doesn't matter if they lost contact with the weapons facility from the first movie, why didn't they try to send a rescue mission to determine what happened and what David's motivation is? By doing any of this, why spend years creating non-xenomorphs? to wipe out humanity when the black goo is perfectly good at the job? Why crash the donut spaceship on this planet and be forced to wait potentially decades for someone to run into you when you can travel? directly to the ground with it and releases the black goo and kills everyone within minutes.

Why does nothing in this movie make sense? The problem with trying to answer questions about the origin of life is that you have to provide good, satisfying answers instead. of just generating more stupid questions like if the best you can come up with is that a race of alien bodybuilders created us for unknown reasons and then decided to destroy us for equally unknown reasons then who created them? Why did they decide to destroy us? Why did they do it? David destroys them, but he also wants to destroy us. Is it just him? He wants to kill everything now, so the two androids fight.

David deactivates Walter and then goes after the Ripley wannabe, but then Walter shows up again and they. have another fight and it's as visually confusing as you can expect and this time they kill David off screen, no there's nothing suspicious about that, just move on and don't question it, then Danny McBride comes east and goes down with a new Lander that was fine. convenient time and they escaped back to the Covenant, but no disposable extra number 10 was impregnated by a facehugger and another alien blows up and kills more disposable people in a sheriff scene, but then Ripley wants to take pills and is in for a load. truck and fly into space where have I seen this before Jesus?

Why are the only partially good elements of this movie stolen from other movies? So the Ripley wannabe is about to go into hypersleep but then he realizes that Walter is actually David in disguise because apparently he was able to serve him his own hand and totally change his appearance in the few seconds he was off screen and board the Covenant without activating any kind of alarm or warning system, then David puts her to sleep and blocks an alien. eggs the same way I throw up a dodgy kebab and the movie ends, thank you, so that's the plot of Alien Covenants.

If you're like me, you've gotten to the end of this movie and quickly wondered what the hell I just did. Look, it's like the writers were trying to cherry-pick successful elements from the first two alien movies. I did some silly Marvel-style action scenes, a big dose of pretentious philosophical musings stolen from movies like 2001 and Blade Runner, and slapstick humor that seems to come straight off the screen. of an Adam Sandler movie, the problem is that while each of these elements are fine on their own, they just don't fit into a coherent package, and what you end up with is a confusing, monstrous Frankenstein movie that feels everything. what he's trying to do. it feels like capturing the haunting terror of the alien because he no longer understands how to make the xenomorph scary.

The scares are either predictable body horror we've seen a million times before or a mess of incoherent new concepts that probably sounded good in a brainstorming session but don't actually make any sense. Also, there is absolutely no way you can show an alien in broad daylight and not have it look ridiculous. It fails to create characters that feel like individuals, much less people you'd want to know more about. they're bland and generic and, worst of all, they're shockingly stupid. I mean, I thought the Prometheus geologist who manages to get lost despite having a holographic map, GPS tracking, and constant radio communication was bad enough, but holy shit, these guys are next-level guys, let's consider a few. of astonishing decisions they make over the course of this film, they decide to go off the mission endangering the lives of thousands of colonists aboard the Covenant simply because here, in the John Denver song that played on the radio when I was a child, Take Me home, the country roads will be a joke.

Lastly, not even a SOS call, just listening to music, we venture onto the surface of an unexplored alien planet with no respirators, face masks or protective gear of any kind as it's all a mystery if two of them end up infected. by airborne pathogens. they separated into smaller groups that could be easily isolated and disposed of rather than staying together and covering each other while retreating, they failed to isolate infected patients despite the very obvious risk of contaminating the entire crew, and they failed to properly screen to anyone to detect possible infection. when they return to the Covenant, they are fooled by an Android twist into a very obvious story about what happened on this planet and their own involvement in it.

One of them stands directly on an alien egg for no other reason than because David asked him to do it. The original alien characters worked well because they not only had distinct and well-rounded personalities, but generally made smart decisions by taking logical steps to counter the growing xenomorph threat, but these idiots just seemed to flounder. From crisis to crisis without having any idea what they're doing or how to get out of it, as a result, well, you don't really care if they make it or not because none of them deserve the movie and they also fail to create a successor worthy of Ellen Ripley simply put a sweaty actress in a tank top and gave her a gun, she's not a strong, compelling character.

I mean, Noomi's rape face wasn't exactly Sigourney Weaver's either, but at least she looked interesting and held your attention on the screen and by the end of the movie you empathize with her situation, even if her decision to go to the alien bodybuilding planet it didn't make sense, but then they decided to just kill her off between movies in a move that seemed cheap and unearned like they were hitting the reset button on a plot thread that was no longer convenient the decision to have two characters played by the same actor work. To pay as well as these things I generally want to say that I like Michael Fassbender as much as the next guy but I'm not convinced that you would want to see two of him in the same movie.

I also didn't buy the idea of ​​David as an antagonist. I mean, he was kind of a Prometheus, but he basically just followed orders. Even willing to help, I was sure that once Weyland died, there was nothing to indicate that he wanted to wipe out all of humanity, but now we have to play into the pseudo-biblical desire to be poetic about creations that ultimately turn against them. creators when their illusions about divinity fade. gutted and I guess that point really gets to the heart of my problems with this movie, if you want to make a big sci-fi epic that addresses the big questions about the meaning of life then fine, go ahead, but don't take that concept and attempts to shoehorn you into the alien universe in a blatant attempt to cash in on the excellent hype, just as Prometheus Covenant attempts to take the Alien franchise even further down a path no one really wants to follow, paving its way with ideas and scenes that are borrowed and stolen from other better films in the series and the end result is a boring, tensionless, joyless, irresponsible, brainless and ultimately meaningless film that should not have been made, a film whose few parts good ones are not original and whose original parts are not good anyway. everything for today go now