Conan Learns How To Survive In The Australian Bush - CONAN on TBS

I decided to travel from Sydney to the Australian jungle, a dangerous land where only the strong

survive

. That's why I hired someone strong to guide me. Kevin. Good to see you. Good to see you. This is a vest I wore in the '80s in New York, in the club scene. What do you think of my arms, just before we continue? Muscles, they could work a little harder. (Laughter) This is a southern tree funnel network. Not just in the trees. They also live under rocks. Can this thing kill me? Absolutely. Yes, in 20 minutes. Are they under the stones?

So what is the...? Yes Yes. Right under the rocks. Stop making gestures as if they are everywhere. Are they really everywhere? Yes. Why are we here? Why did we come here? Why don't we meet in the lobby of the Four Seasons hotel? We could have had iced tea and you could have shown me the same (bleep) book. So this thing is under the rocks? Yes. So what's tip number one? Don't look under a rock. Don't you collect stones? Yes. I have a habit, I've had it for a long time, and it's probably a bad habit: if I see a rock and I want to know what's underneath, I use my genitals to turn it over.

Is that something I shouldn't be doing here? (laughs) How lucky you are. Yes, I'm lucky. Yes it is. I don't even have to move. I could carry that rock from right here. It's a joke about long penises. I got it. Okay, next is this guy. Stinging ants, very dangerous. Wait, are you saying this ant could kill me? Yes absolutely. You could go into full-blown anaphylactic shock. In fact, my wife was on a nest. She turned white, her lips turned blue, she shit her pants and I had to take her to the hospital. Does your wife mind if you put in the part where she shits her pants?

She doesn't know. Okay, well, she leaves that part out. (dramatic, upbeat music) What is that? It's a small trapped spider hole. Sometimes you can get them out if you just play with the web. That's good. Provoking the deadly spider, trying to get it to come out of its hole. Is there any chance I can use this? I'm sure we can find something to do with that. Let's see yours. (Kevin groans) Now let's compare. (Conan laughs mischievously) That's not a knife. This is a knife. Trust me. That became obsolete in the United States 20 years ago. MMM. (bell rings) Oh wow, this is a wombat berry.

Now, how many of these do I have to eat to sustain myself and stay alive? Probably 500. 500? So you thought this vest was a waste of time? Check it out. This is a pocket where I used to keep cocaine. Now, wombat berries. What a turn of events, huh? This is a bunya nut. Wait, these fall from trees? Yes. That's heavy. That's why I'm looking up. You have to be very careful under the trees, because some of these can weigh up to 10 kilograms. So they could kill us at any moment. Yes. So let's get out of here. There is a wind blowing.

I don't want to get killed by a bunya nut. Remember how I told you about tree funnel networks? Well, this one will kill you too. And you're poking him for what? I hope it comes out so you can take a look at it. I'm fine. You can show it to me on the Internet. You must have a reputation with all the spiders. You're like a Mormon at the door. Ding dong, ding dong, it's Kevin with his cane. Maidenhair fern. You can make a cup of tea with that. A cup of tea. A cup of tea. Well, good job, Kevin.

We've been here for four hours wandering and so far we have three wombat berries and what seems like a third of a cup of tea. This is what they offer you now in economy class on most airlines. Hold him. This branch is on my way. There is another spider. (Audience laughs) I think this is smilax leucophylla. The common name is sarsaparilla tea. Did you know? It's starting to add up. Now I have three berries and enough for two cups of different herbal teas, basically the diet of a 98-year-old woman. We have collected some food. Now is the time to make a fire.

Yes, fire. Come on baby! I want to drink some of that herbal tea! Come to Mama. Oh. Oh, I see some smoke! We can throw it into that little bird's nest. Where do we get that bird's nest? Oh yeah. Let me explain to everyone. We shaved our crotch about an hour ago. We have fire. This is incredible. Cavemen. So primitive. It's a good feeling. Is that your first friction fire? That's the first time, well. (Kevin laughs) Yes, it is. It is the first friction fire. This is the bunya nut. These fall from trees. How many nuts will fill you up?

Good. It's a trick question. Every time I hear cameraman James laugh, I know someone said something that could be interpreted as dirty if you're four years old. I have an endless appetite for nuts. There you go. Are you happy now, Kevin? (Kevin laughs) I just like to lean my head back and drop those nuts. As many as you can. And I'm never satisfied until I have hundreds of nuts in my mouth. Large, fleshy nuts. You like this? Yes. I bet you are. I don't mind. Dip them in and take them out. Mmm, crazy. This one looks finished, just before they turn black.

Right here? All that meaty part. No comment? Maybe go out looking for food. Hey friend. Hey. Look what I found! I found a Jack Daniel's root. Wow. She pulled him out of the ground. Here everything is a matter of ingenuity. Yes sir. Do not panic. Don't panic, okay? You get lost, you don't panic. Walk around and you will find small bottles of liquor. Nature provides.