Comedian Colin Jost delivers remarks at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Thanks everyone, hello, that was the hard-hitting journalism you saw in the owl. I didn't know you were going to show pictures of me from high school. I have some surprises, yeah, it's not really fair, you can't do it for President Biden. because technology wasn't invented when he was in high school, it's not really fair. Good night all. I'm Colin Joost and I'll give the Republican answer. I'll be honest with you. I do not have much time. Uh, I need to get back to New York because I'm juror number five in an important trial. Trump's lawyer looked at me and said he had to be on our side.

Thank you Kelly for that kind introduction, Mr. President, Dr. Biden, Vice President. President Harris Doug well, well, well Doug, as you can see from all the comments about my wife, I'm also used to being the second gentleman and I'm honored to be here hosting what, according to the swing state polls, It is the last White House correspondence

dinner

. I hope that tonight will be an unforgettable night for most of us. I was excited to be here on stage with President Biden tonight primarily to see if I could figure out where Obama was pulling the strings. I have to admit that it is not like that. easy to follow President Biden, I mean, it's not always easy to follow what he says, but before we start tonight, can we please acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the United States at an event that doesn't start with a bayth saying everyone get up? and I would like to point out that it is after 10 p.m.

Sleepy Joe is still awake, while Donald Trump spent the past week falling asleep in court every morning, although Fox News said he was just being anti-woke. We're all here tonight at the nerdy prom. Well, Matt Gates is at the normal prom, but I actually thought. I saw Matt Gates here tonight, but he was really just my own reflection on a spoon, like many of you here tonight. I intend to do news on television. My Weekend Update co-host Michael Chay was going to join me here tonight, but in solidarity with President Biden. I decided to lose all my black support.

Chay told me to say that and I'm realizing he was prepared. I've done weekend updates for a while, but most people don't know that I started out doing the real news. My first job out of college was as a reporter for the Staten Island Advance newspaper. They don't have a table here tonight, but they asked me to pass this message on to the other print journalists in the room. "You think you're better than me." In some way I want to point out that when I worked at St. Now, beforehand we had a daily circulation of 100,000 copies.

The Washington Post would kill for that, so as a former aspiring journalist, I want to genuinely congratulate all the award winners here tonight, congratulations on the correspondence. The association offers scholarships to promising young journalism students who could one day be sent to cover geopolitical hotspots like Columbia University Tonight, this event will be televised live on C-Span and if you're at home watching C-SPAN on a Saturday at night, I hope they find your body soon before your cats get to it. There are many incredible news organizations here tonight and some credible ones, too. The Washington Post is here.

Washington Post. They were the ones who took your coats to the door. Please make sure to tip Fox News. It's here tonight, it's the end of an era. Murdoch resigned from Fox News, which is strange. I didn't think there was a step back from Fox News. Trump's media is here. Trump media, eh, not at a table, just yelling loudly in the corner. Nobody Wordle is here tonight sorry, sorry, I meant the New York Times. I forgot they do things besides puzzles. I have to say, it's not a good sign when the only thing keeping a print media company alive are the games people also play on their phones. chilling for you the room froze faster than Mitch McConnell and I have to apologize for the timing but as a Staten Island native I still get all my news from the New York Post thank you the only paper where the front page always has the same 200 Whether the headline is World War II starting tomorrow or a Central Park owl killed in a building collision, the New York Post is like having the New York Times summarized by a crackhead; the times will tell that a border agreement continues to evade Congress and the The post is like these Mexicans are taking my stuff.

There are so many amazing people here tonight. Laura Trump is here tonight. Okay, I have one. She recently released a cover of the song. I won't back down when I hear it. Tom Petty died again. Can. I don't think I'm saying this to a member of the Trump family, but maybe let's stick with politics. Senator Bernie Sanders is here because he's not the type to pass up a free hot meal, and in general, there are so many influential, hard-working senators and members of Congress. here tonight and I just want to say on behalf of everyone I know stop emailing us, stop it, we get it.

Democracy is at stake and his plan to save it is to flood our inboxes like his prate and Barrel. That's also wonderful to be back. in Washington I love being in Washington the last time I was in DC I left my cocaine at the White House, luckily the president was able to put it to good use for a state in the union. I'm joking, of course, not the president. Call it cocaine, he calls it high-speed rail, that's good, by the way, can you blame the guy for turning to cocaine? He must be exhausted, orchestrating four separate trials against his rival, rigging the Super Bowl, and preparing to steal a second election.

Wow, Biden is gone. By the way, I love that Trump's two attacks on President Biden are that he is a sile old man and a criminal mastermind. I think you have to choose one personally. I don't know any criminal mastermind who also rides a bike to buy ice cream. It's not that Trump himself is young and clever. I'm not saying that both candidates are old, but you know, Jimmy Carter is out there thinking that maybe he could win this. He is only 99 years old. There is a choice. There is a choice. Within six former extremes, within many months.

So let me see if I can summarize where this race is right now, the Republican presidential candidate owes half a billion in fines for bank fraud and is currently spending his days farting during a porn star's hush money trial and the race is tied. the race is tied nothing makes sense anymore the candidate who was a famous Playboy from New York City took away your right to abortion and the guy who is trying to give you back your right to abortion is an 80 year old Catholic, how is that meaning, by the way? President Biden, isn't it crazy that he is only our second Catholic president and what's even crazier is that in a few months we will have our third in RFK Jr.

I'm kidding, like your vaccination card says you don't have a shot Everything feels strange Now, by many indicators, President Biden is having a very successful first term, but people don't seem to notice, just like the economy. The vibes are bad, but the numbers say it's strong. The economy is like you. Air Force One's steps feel like he's stumbling, but somehow there's upward progress. I think more can be done in the economy, sir. I really think so, for example, have you considered eliminating the national debt by shorting Trump's stock? People keep asking if our lives are better than four years ago, of course, four years ago, we didn't have online sports betting.

What else do you need? By the way, that's probably what keeps the economy afloat. Online betting and Taylor Swift we would have without. being in a recession right now, the problem is that people are always going to compare his first term to Obama's, but I think there are actually a lot of positive similarities: they both made great strides in healthcare, Obama got us out of a recession , you took us out. a pandemic Obama got Bin Laden, you got OJ and by the way, now that OJ is dead, who is Trump's new favorite for VP, is it Diddy?

By the way, I bet if Trump selected Diddy as his running mate, I bet this race would still be a tie. I think even some Democrats say they're disappointed, but I think they're just not living reality. Manage your expectations. People, it's like tonight. I'm sure we all wish we were at the Waldorf right now, but we're at the Washington Hilton and you guys have to do the best you can, just be happy you're not at the Airport Hilton, journalists, these are tough times and we need people in this room help guide us through this, your jobs are not easy and it doesn't help that we are living in the end of traditional media.

The Guardians are gone. Did you know that 90% of people now get their news exclusively from social media and that must be true because I saw it on the Tik Tok of a random guy who was recording the video while driving a Toyota Corolla, but he seemed to know what what he was doing, isn't it crazy, by the way, that Tik Tok could be banned in the US later this year? It's a real shame because we're going to need Tik Tok to document who is storming the capital next January 6, things aren't bad for everyone, although this may be the worst time in history to be a print journalist, it's the best time in history. to be a courtroom artist OMG, the most famous man on Earth is on trial and no cameras are allowed, just the artists, their pastels, and their desire to make Trump look as bad as possible.

Every Trump sketch looks like the Grinch has sex with The Lorax to finish it off. I would really like to take a moment to acknowledge all the impressions. Journalists in this room, your words speak truth and power, your words bring light to the darkness and most importantly, your words train the artificial intelligence programs that will soon replace you and finally, I wanted to thank my family and I wanted Thank my friends for being here. Tonight to support me I want to thank my wife for putting up with a lot of teasing and for agreeing to meet everyone individually in this room right after the ceremony, that's really special honey, thank you, don't be shy, come up, she hates privacy and with with my family in mind, I wanted to share one last thing with you before I leave and I wanted to share one thing with you, Mr.

President, before I leave. I lost my grandfather this year, as you alluded to a firefighter, William Kelly, he is the reason. that our son's middle name is William, he helped Raise Me growing up and I wouldn't be here today without him. My grandfather was a firefighter on Staten Island for 40 years to earn extra money for his family. He was a substitute teacher and painted

house

s and since it's Staten Island, I should point out that it's not like the Irishman Scorsese painted

house

s, he wasn't a mafia hitman, he actually painted houses, the FBI is here. I don't want to start anything, my grandfather was another weird Irishman who didn't.

He drinks because he lost his father and his brother to alcoholism and I swear to you, Mr. President, this is not an age comparison. You remind me of him. Some of his best qualities remind me of yours. I will say that he was 955 years old and was still excellent on stairs. I think it's because he didn't try to attack them, but the reason I mention my grandfather and I don't know if you know, Mr. President, that Staten Island firefighters are not normally his demographic. Staten Island voted about 70% in favor. Trump in the last election and the other 30% went to Giuliani, but Staten Island also sided with the British during the Revolutionary War, so we're not always on the right side of History, remember?

But my grandfather, a Staten Island firefighter, voted for you, Mr. President, he voted for you in the last election he voted in. I mean, I'm sure someone else will vote twice in this election using his name, but that's how the democratic machine works. He voted for you and the reason he voted. you are because you are a decent man my grandfather voted for decency and decency is the reason we are all here tonight decency is how we can be here tonight decency is how we can make jokes about each other and ourselves None of us go to prison after going to Newsmax Afterparty and when you look at the levels of freedom throughout history and even around the world today, this is the exception, this freedom is incredibly rare and journalists in this room help protect it. freedom and we can never take that for granted, so Mr.

President, I thank you for his decency on behalf of my grandfather and I thank all of you, almost all of you, for his decency as well. I am very honored and grateful to have been invited here tonight. Thank you and good night