"Obama out:" President Barack Obama's hilarious final White House correspondents' dinner speech

You can't say it, but you know it's true. Good night all. It's an honor to be here as my last and perhaps last White House correspondent. You all look great. The end of the Republic never looked better. I apologize. I know. I was a little late tonight I was running CPT, which means jokes

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people shouldn't make. Word of advice to you Jeff, anyway, here we are on my eighth and

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appearance of this unique event and I'm excited if this stuff does well. I'll wear it at Goldman Sachs next year and earn myself some serious Tubmans, that's right, my brilliant, beautiful wife Michelle is here tonight, she looks so happy to be here, that's called practice, it's like learning to do three-planks minutes, she does it.

It seems easy now, but next year at this time someone else will be standing here in this very place and no one knows who it will be, but standing here I can't help but be reflective a little sentimental now eight years ago I said it was time to change the tone of our policy in retrospect. Clearly I should have been more specific eight years ago. He was a young man full of idealism and vigor. Look at me now. I'm gray. Counting the days until my death. Hillary Panel. I was once asked if I would be ready for a 3 a.m. phone call. m.

Now I'm awake anyway because I have to go to the bathroom. I'm awake, in fact someone recently told me mr. President, you're so yesterday that Justin Trudeau completely replaced you, he's so handsome, he's so charming, he's the future and I said, Justin, just give him a break. It bothers me that meanwhile Michelle hasn't aged today, the only way you can date her in photos of her is by looking at her. Look at me, here we are in 2008, here we are a few years later and this is from two weeks ago, so time passes in just six months.

I will officially be an outgoing duck, which means that Congress will now roundly reject my authority and Republican leaders are not taking my phone calls and this is going to take some getting used to. It's really going to be a curveball. I don't know what to do with it, of course. In fact, for months now Republicans in Congress have been saying that There are things I can't do in my last year, unfortunately this

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was not one of them, but everything else is another story and you know who the Republicans are. In fact, I think we have Republican Senators Tim Scott and Cory Gardner, who are on. the

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that reminds me of the security bar the doors judge Merrick garland let's do this right here right now it's like the red wedding but it's not just Congress even some foreign leaders have been looking forward anticipating my departure last year The week Last night, Prince George showed up to our meeting in a bathrobe, which was a slap in the face, a clear violation of protocol, although while I was in England I had lunch with Her Majesty, the Queen attended a Shakespeare performance and played the field with David Cameron right in In case anyone is still debating whether I'm black enough, I think that settles the debate.

I won't live it. Look, this is a difficult transition. He is a key staff member now trying to leave the White House. Even the journalists have left me. Savannah Guthrie. She left. White House press corps to host The Today Show Noor O'Donnell left the briefing room to host CBS this morning Jake Tapper left journalism to join CNN, but the prospect of leaving the White House is a mixed bag, You may have heard that someone jumped the White House Fence last week, but I have to give the Secret Service credit, they found Michelle brought her back, she's safe, she's safe at home, now something had more months , you better calm down, and yet somehow, despite all this, despite the turnover in my senior year, my approval ratings. it keeps going up, the last time I was this high I was trying to decide my major and this is what I haven't really done anything different so it's strange that not even my assistants can explain the rising poll numbers, what has changed , nobody can.

Anyway, find it disconcerting in this last year. I most appreciate those who have been with me on this incredible journey, like one of our greatest public servants, Joe Biden. God bless you. I love that guy. I love Joe Biden. I really love him. Me and me. I want to thank him for his friendship and for his advice for always making things clear to me and not shooting anyone in the face. Thanks Joe I would be remiss too. Let's leave it to our host Larry Wilmore, aka one of the two black guys. Who is not John Stewart?

You're the South African guy, right? I love it, I love Larry and his parents are here, they are from Evanston, which is a great channel. I would also like to recognize some of the award-winning reporters we have here with us. tonight Rachel McAdams Mark Ruffalo Lea Shriver thank you all for everything you have done. I'm just kidding, since you know, Spotlight is a movie, a movie about investigative journalists with the resources and autonomy to pursue the truth and hold the powerful accountable. That's a fantasy movie since Star Wars. It seems like maybe I was a cheap shot.

I understand the news business is tough these days. It keeps changing all the time every year at this

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, someone makes a joke about BuzzFeed, for example, changing the media landscape and every year. The Washington Post lasts a little less, it's a kind of silence, they are especially good for the Washington Post table. Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus is also here, I'm glad to see that he feels like he's earned a night off. Congratulations on all the success of him, the Republican. Party, the nomination process, everything is going great, keep it up. Kendall Jenner is also here and we had the chance to meet her backstage.

She seems like a very nice young woman. I'm not exactly sure what she does, but I'm told my Twitter mentions it. Helen Mirren is here tonight I don't even have a joke here I just think Helen Mirren is amazing, she's amazing sitting at the same table. I see Mike Bloomberg Mike, a combative and controversial billionaire from New York, leads the Republican Party. primaries and it's not you who has to hurt a little, although it's not an entirely fair comparison between you and Donald, after all, Mike was a mayor of a big city, knows politics inside out and is really worth the money who says it's election season, for example, tonight we have here the shiny new face of the Democratic Party, mr.

Bernie Sanders Berni seemed like a million dollars or, to put it in terms, you will understand that it seems like 37,000 donations of 27 dollars each. Many people have been surprised by the Burnie phenomenon, especially since he attracts young people, but not me. Get it recently, a young woman came up to me and told me that she was sick of politicians getting in the way of her dreams, as if really letting Malia go to Burning Man this year wasn't going to happen. Bernie Michael, he didn't let her go. For us, Bernie, it hurts me that you have distanced yourself from me a little.

I mean, that's not something you do to your comrade. Bernie's slogan has helped his campaign catch fire among young people. He feels Bern, he feels Bern, it's a good motto. Hillary's slogan hasn't had the same effect, let's look at this, but I've said how much I admire Hillary's toughness, her intelligence or her political skills, her experience, you've admitted that, even though Hillary, in trying to appeal to young voters, It's a bit like your relative. Who just registered on Facebook? Dear America, did you receive my touch? Does she appear on your wall? I'm not sure I'm using this right love and Hillary isn't at all persuasive, meanwhile on the Republican side things are a little better now, okay?

Say this a little more freely, just look at the confusion over tonight's dinner invitations. Guests were asked to check if they wanted steak or fish, but instead many of you wrote on Paul Ryan that that's not an option, people can't have steak or fish. like steak or fish, that's your choice, while some candidates aren't polling high enough to qualify for their own joke tonight, the rules were well established beforehand and then there's Ted Cruz, Ted had a week difficult, he went to Indiana. Hoosier country stood firm. a basketball court and called the hoop a basketball hoop.

What else is in your lexicon? baseball bats football caps but I sure am the foreigner well let me conclude tonight on a more serious note. I want to thank the Washington press. thank you Carol for everything you do, you know the Free Press is fundamental to our democracy and now I'm just joking, you know I have to talk about Trump, we were going to stop there, come on, although I'm a little hurt, but he's not here tonight, we had so much fun last time and it's amazing that you have a room full of reporters, celebrities, cameras and he says no, is this dinner too vulgar for Donald?

What could he be doing instead? Is he at home eating? a triumphant steak tweeting insults to Angela Merkel, what is he doing? the Republican establishment is in disbelief because he is their most likely candidate. Shocking disbelief says that Donald Lex has the foreign policy experience to be

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but, to be fair, he has spent years meeting with leaders around the world. Miss Sweden Miss Argentina Misses her for Jean and there is one area where Donald's experience could be invaluable and that is the closure of Guantanamo because Trump knows a thing or two about tearing down beachfront properties.

Well, that's probably enough. I mean, we have more material, no. No, I don't want to spend too much time making Donald follow his example. I want to show some restraint because I think we can all agree that from the beginning he has gotten the right amount of coverage commensurate with the seriousness of his candidacy. I hope you're all proud of yourselves, the guy wanted to give this hotel business a boost and now we're praying that Cleveland lasts until July mmm-hmm, as for me and Michelle, we've decided to stay in DC for a couple of years more, thank you.

This way our youngest daughter can finish high school. Michelle can stay closer to her carrot patch. She is already making plans to see them every day. Take a look, but our decision has actually presented a bit of a dilemma because traditionally

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s don't stay. after they're done and it's something I've been reflecting on a little bit, take a look, the Obamas will stay in DC for two years after the president leaves office, he's about to go from commander in chief to commander couch, but Chuck Todd, what? Am I going to do it in DC for two years?

I have a real dilemma, sir. President, I can't go every day, I hope you like it more? These are these Joel, they are the same. I capture different movements Joe. I need a little concentration. Here comes the nerd or the aviator. The moment thinks about it. I'm sorry. What's that? said mr. President, yes, it would be practical. Look, you can drive again. You will need a license. He said you love sports. Why don't you volunteer to work on one of the teams around here? They are the Washington Wizards. I understand that you are looking for something. help with training let's say I coach my daughter's team several times hello hello forty four

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ly so I'm going to be in DC for a while and I thought I'd start driving what's Barack Hussein Obama's name?

Thank you, since you don't have a driver's license, you will need a birth certificate. water after posting this video today Obama worries it's great no no we use it a lot it's already pretty funny why don't you talk to someone who's been through this? I have to go to SoulCycle, she's right, I know who I need to talk to. to her, hey, it's Brock, listen, can we meet up now? It's a great move yeah so you have some Iceland so now you want my advice first stop putting up with all these LinkedIn requests secondly here's the beauty of all this you have. all the time in the world to figure this out, you can be yourself for a while if you know how to do it again so I can be me and I can wear my mom jeans in peace.

I hate these skinny jeans. Well, yesterday I had them. a beer at 11:30 in the morning and you know, McDonald's now for breakfast all day and from now on Michelle will be in spin class so she will never know well, let it go, she won't be alone, you will be able to walk well You left the Oval Office singing zippity-doo-dah, close the DA and you have play time to work on your tan and you know what, and you finally got the big deal on a sweet looking Chevy Tahoe here on his 347th round of golf of the anus. and it's totally cool and Gloria isn't a problem for anything.

I can't think of any reason to worry and believe me, I've tried. I'm still waiting for all of you to respond to my invitation to connect on LinkedIn, but I know you. We have jobs to do, which is what really brings us here tonight. I know there are times when we have haddifferences and that is inherent to our institutional roles. It's true for every president and his press corps, but we have always shared the same goal. Root our public discourse in truth to open the doors of this democracy and do everything we can to make our country and our world freer and more just, and I have always appreciated the role you have all played as equal partners in achieving these goals.

Our Free Press is the reason we once again recognized the real journalists who uncovered the horrible scandal and brought some justice to thousands of victims around the world. They're here with us tonight Sacha Pfeiffer Mike Resendez Walter Robinson Matt Carroll and Bet Bradley jr. please give them a big round of applause, the preprint is why we once again honor Jason Rezaian, as Carroll noted last time this year, we talk about Jason's courage as he endured the isolation of an Iranian prison this year we see that courage in the flesh and is a living testimony to the very idea of ​​a free press and a reminder of the increasing level of danger and political intimidation and physical threats that journalists face abroad and I can make this commitment that, as I hold this position , my administration will continue to fight for the release of American journalists held against their will and we will not stop until we can see the same freedom that Jason had at home and abroad, journalists like all of you are dedicated to the dogged pursuit of informing citizens on how to hold leaders accountable and make our people's government possible and it is a huge responsibility and I realize it is a huge challenge at a time when the economics of business sometimes incentivize speed over depth and when controversy and conflict or what most immediately attracts Readers and viewers, the good news is that there are many of you who are pushing against those trends and, as a citizen of this great democracy, I am grateful to you because this is also a moment in everything the world in which some of the fundamental ideals of liberal democracies are under attack and when attempts are made to undermine or, in some cases, completely ignore the notions of objectivity and a free press and facts and evidence, and in a climate thus it is not enough to give people a megaphone and that is why their power and their The responsibility to investigate and question and counter-distortions and falsehoods is more important than ever.

Taking a stand for what is true does not require one to lose one's objectivity; In fact, it is the essence of good journalism; affirms the idea that the only way we can build consensus, the only way we move forward as a country, the only way we help the world get better is by agreeing on a factual basis when it comes to the challenges we all face, so this night is a testament to all of you who dedicated your lives to that idea and who push to shed light on the truth every day, so I want to close my final White House Correspondents' Dinner by simply saying thank you.

I am very proud of what they have done. It has been an honor and a privilege to work side by side with you to strengthen our democracy and with that I only have two more words to say Obama.