Watch Colin Jost roast Biden, Trump and others at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Thank you all. Hello. What you saw in the owl was hard-hitting journalism. I didn't know you were going to show it to me since high school. That is surprising. Yeah, it's not really fair. You can't do this for President Biden because the technology wasn't invented when he was in high school. Really fair. Well. Good afternoon everyone. I'm Colin Jost and I'll give the Republican answer. I'll be honest with you, I don't have much time. I need to get back to New York because I'm juror number five in an important trial. Trump's lawyer looked at me and said: He has to be on our side.

Thank you, Kelly, for that kind introduction. Mr. president. Dr. Biden, Vice President Harris. Doug. Doug, as you can see from all the comments about my wife, I'm also used to being the second gentleman, and I'm honored to host what, according to swing-state polls, is the latest Correspondents' Dinner. the White House. I hope that tonight will be an unforgettable night for most of us. I was excited to be here on stage with President Biden tonight, mainly to see if I could figure out where Obama was pulling the strings from. I must admit that it is not easy to follow President Biden.

I mean, it's not always easy to follow what he says. Like. But before we start tonight, can we just acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the United States at an event that doesn't start with a sheriff saying, everyone stand up? And I would like to point out that it is after 10 p.m. m.. Sleepy Joe is still awake. While Donald Trump spent the last week sleeping in court. Yet every morning Fox News said he was simply being anti-EU. I woke up. We're all here tonight at Nerd Prom. Well, Matt Gaetz is at the usual prom, but I actually thought I saw Matt Gaetz here tonight.

But really it was just my own reflection on a spoon. Like many of you here tonight, I intend to make news on television. My Weekend Update co-host Michael Che was going to join me here tonight, but in solidarity with President Biden, I decided to lose all my Black support. Che told me to say that and I just realized that they set a trap for me. I've done Weekend Update for a while now, but most people don't know that I started out doing the real news. My first job after college was as a reporter for the Staten Island Advance newspaper.

They don't have a table here tonight, but they asked me to pass this message on to the other print journalists in the room. Do you think you are better than me? By the way, I want to point out that when I worked at the Staten Island Advance, we had a daily circulation of 100,000. The Washington Post would kill for that. So, as a former aspiring journalist, I want to sincerely congratulate all the award winners here tonight. Congratulations. The Correspondents' Association offers scholarships to promising young journalism students who might one day be sent to cover geopolitical hotspots like Columbia University.

Tonight, this event will be televised live on C-SPAN. You do. And if you're home

watch

ing C-SPAN on a Saturday night, I hope they find your body soon before your cats arrive. There are so many incredible news organizations here tonight. Also, some credible ones. The Washington Post is here. Washington Post. They were the ones who took your coats at the door. Please be sure to tip. Fox News is here tonight. It's the end of an era. Rupert Murdoch resigned from Fox News, which is strange. I didn't think there was a step back from Fox News. Trump's media is here.

Trump Media Not at a table, just yelling loudly in a corner at no one. Wardle is here tonight. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean the New York Times. I forgot they do things besides puzzles. I have to say, it's not a good sign when the only thing keeping a print media company alive are the games people play on their phones. Too chilling for you in this room, you just froze faster than Mitch McConnell. And I have to apologize to the Times, but as a Staten Island native, I still get all my news from the New York Post.

Thank you. The only newspaper whose front page always has the same 200-point font, whether the headline says World War III starts tomorrow or the Central Park owl dies in a building collision. The New York Post is like having a crackhead give you a summary of the New York Times. The Times will say Congress keeps evading a border deal and the Post says these Mexicans are taking my stuff. There are so many amazing people here tonight. Lara Trump is here tonight. Well, I have one. Court! He recently released a cover of the song I Won't Back Down.

Upon hearing it, Tom Petty died again. I can't believe he is saying this to a member of the Trump family. But maybe we'll stick with politics. Senator Bernie Sanders is here because he's not the kind of guy to pass up a free hot meal. And overall, there are so many influential, hard-working senators and congressmen here tonight and I just want to say, on behalf of everyone I know, stop emailing us. For. We understand. Democracy is at stake. And his plan to save it is to flood our inboxes like his Crate and Barrel. It's also wonderful to be back in Washington.

I love being in Washington. The last time I was in D.C., I left my cocaine at the White House. Fortunately, the president was able to take advantage of it for his State of the Union. I'm kidding. Of course, the president doesn't call it cocaine. He calls it high-speed rail. Oh that's it. By the way, can you blame the guy for turning to cocaine? He must be exhausted, orchestrating four separate trials against his rival, rigging the Super Bowl, and preparing to steal a second election. Wow. Biden laughed. By the way, I love Trump's two attacks on President Biden: that he is a senile old man and a criminal mastermind.

I say, I think you have to choose one. Personally, I don't know any criminal masterminds who ride their bikes to buy ice cream. Besides, it's not that Trump himself is young and clever. I'm not saying both candidates are old, but, you know, Jimmy Carter is thinking maybe I could win this. He is only 99 years old. There are elections. In six very long months there will be elections. So let me see if I can summarize where this race is at right now. The Republican presidential candidate owes $500 million in fines for bank fraud and currently spends his days farting awake during a porn star's silence trial.

And the race is tied. The race is tied. Nothing makes sense anymore. The candidate who is a famous New York City Playboy took away your right to abortion and the guy who is trying to give your right to abortion back is an 80 year old Catholic. How does that make sense? By the way, President Biden, isn't it crazy that he's only our second Catholic president? And what's even crazier is that in just a few months, we will have our third in RFK Jr. I'm kidding. As if his vaccine card says he doesn't have any vaccines. Everything seems strange now in many ways.

President Biden is having a very successful first term, but people don't seem to notice. As with the economy, the vibe is bad, but the numbers say it's strong. The economy is like you on the stairs of Air Force One. It feels like you're stumbling, but somehow there's progress upward. I think you can do more. About the economy, sir. I really do. For example, have you considered eliminating the national debt by shorting Trump's stock? People keep asking if our lives are better than four years ago. Of course they are. Four years ago, we didn't have online sports betting.

What else do you need? That's probably what keeps the economy afloat. Online gambling and Taylor Swift. Without them, we would be in a recession right now. The problem is that people will always compare his first term with Obama's. But I think there are actually a lot of positives and similarities. Both made great strides in healthcare. Obama got us out of a recession. You got us out of a pandemic. Obama caught Bin Laden. You have O.J. And by the way, now that O.J. is dead. Who is Trump's new vice presidential candidate? Is it Diddy? Anyway, I bet if Trump selected Diddy as his running mate, I bet this race would still be tied.

I think even some Democrats say they're disappointed, but I think they're just not living reality. Manage your expectations, people. It's like tonight. Sure. We all wish we were at the Waldorf right now, but we're at the Washington Hilton and we have to make the most of it. Be glad you're not at the airport. Hilton Journalists. These are difficult times and we need the people in this room to help guide us through them. Their job is not easy and it doesn't help that we are living in the end of traditional media. The doormen are gone. Did you know that 90% of people now get their news exclusively through social media?

And that must be true because I saw it on some random guy's TikTok. He was recording the video while he was driving a Toyota Corolla, but he seemed to know what he was doing. By the way, isn't it crazy that Tik Tok could be banned in the United States later this year? It's a real shame, because we're going to need Tik Tok to document who will storm the Capitol on January 6. However, things are not bad for everyone. This may be the worst time in history to be a print journalist. It's the best time in history to be a courtroom cartoonist.

OMG, the most famous man in the world is on trial and no cameras are allowed. Just the artists, their pastels, and their desire to make Trump look as bad as possible. Every Trump sketch looks like the Grinch had sex with The Lorax. In conclusion. I'd really like to take a moment to recognize all the print journalists in this room. Your words speak truth to power. Your words bring light to the darkness and most importantly, your words. Train the AI ​​programs that will soon replace you. And finally, I wanted to thank my family and my friends for being here tonight to support me.

I want to thank my wife for putting up with a lot of teasing and for agreeing to meet with everyone individually in this room immediately after the ceremony. Forks. That's really special, honey. Thank you. Do not be shy. Go up right now. He hates privacy. And thinking about my family, I wanted to share one last thing with you before I leave. And I wanted to share something with you, Mr. President, before I go. This year I lost my grandfather. As you mentioned, from a firefighter, William Kelly. He is the reason our son's middle name is William.

He helped raise me and I wouldn't be here today without him. My grandfather was a firefighter on Staten Island for 40 years to earn extra money for his family. He was a substitute teacher and painted

house

s and the sense of Staten Island. I should point out that he is not like Scorsese, the Irishman who paints

house

s. He wasn't a mafia hitman. In fact, he painted houses. The FBI is here. I don't want to start anything. My grandfather was another weird Irishman who didn't drink because he lost his father and his brother to alcoholism. And I swear. Mr.

President, this is not a comparison of ages. You remind me of him. Some of your best qualities remind me of his. And I will say that he was 95 years old and he was still excellent on stairs. I think it's because he didn't try to upload them. But the reason I mention my grandfather and I know if, you know, you realize, Mr. President, that Staten Island firefighters are not typically his demographic. Staten Island voted about 70% for Trump in the last election and the other 30% went for Giuliani. But Staten Island also sided with the British during the Revolutionary War.

So we are not always on the right side of history. You remember that. But my grandfather, a Staten Island firefighter, voted for you. Mr. president. He voted for you in the last election he voted in. I mean, I'm sure someone else will vote twice in this election using his name. But that's how the Democratic machine works. He voted for you. And the reason he voted for you is because you're a decent man. My grandfather voted for decency. And decency is the reason we're all here tonight. Decency is what allows us to be here tonight. Decency is how we can make jokes about each other.

And one of us won't go to prison after going to the Newsmax after-party. And when we look at levels of freedom throughout history and even throughout the world today, this is the exception. This freedom is incredibly rare. And the journalists in this room help protect that freedom. And we can never take that for granted. So, Mr. President, I thank you for your decency on behalf of my grandfather. And I thank all of you, almost all of you, also for your decency. I am very honored and grateful that you invited me here tonight. Thank you and good night.