Chappelle's Show - The Racial Draft (ft. Bill Burr, RZA, and GZA) - Uncensored

GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST AND PERHAPS ONLY RACIAL PROJECT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY. FRIENDS, THIS IS FOR ALL MARBLES. WHAT HAPPENS HERE WILL DECLARE THE RACIAL STANCE OF THESE AMERICANS ONCE AND FOR ALL. THAT'S HOW IT IS. AND THE CROWD IS HERE TO SUPPORT THEIR RACE. Well, Rob, some of the biggest names in sports and entertainment are on the line tonight. AND I AM EXCITED TO SEE WHO WILL BE SELECTED FOR WHICH RACE. SITTING BEHIND ME ON STAGE ARE THE DIFFERENT REPRESENTATIVES. AND, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, BLACK PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY WON THE FIRST ELECTION.

Wow, that's the first lottery a black person has won in a long time, Billy. YES, AND THEY WILL PROBABLY STILL COMPLAIN. (Laughing together) MAN, FUCK YOU. Well, the black representative is coming to the microphone now, why don't we listen to him? WE OF THE BLACK DELEGATION... WE ELECTED TIGER WOODS. (applause) (Rob) NO SURPRISES, FOLKS. THE RICHEST AND DOMINANT ATHLETE IN THE WORLD. HIS BLACK FATHER from him, HIS THAI MOTHER. WELL THAT NO LONGER MATTER BECAUSE HE IS OFFICIALLY BLACK NOW. DAVE, ASIANS HAVE TO BE ANNOYED. (Dave) NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT, ROB. BUT YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

HE HAS BEEN DISCRIMINATED FROM HIM IN HIS TIME, HE HAS HAD DEATH THREATS AND WAS DATING A WHITE WOMAN. SOUNDS LIKE A BLACK TO ME. TIGER IS WALKING ON STAGE NOW AND IF YOU ASK ME, HE LOOKS BLACKER ALREADY. AH, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, A TREMENDOUS OPPORTUNITY FOR ME. TO FINALLY BE PART OF A CAREER AND HAVE A HOME. I HAVE BEEN SO CONFUSED IF I AM HALF ASIAN, SO MANY THINGS. See you later, fried rice, hello fried chicken. I LOVE YOU GUYS ! (applause and applause) AH, I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THIS... FOR SHIZZLE. HA HA.

Well, it seems like Tiger Woods is happy to be black and that's a good thing because I just got the news that he lost all of his endorsements. Oh, that's a tough question. OH, AMEX, TAG HEUER, WHEATIES ALL SHEBANG-A-BANG. HARD BREAK, NIGGA, THERE'S ALWAYS FUBU. VERY GOOD, NOW THE JEWS COME. MANY HAVE SPECULATED ABOUT THEIR CHOICE of him. BUT I guess they will elect Madonna and finish the job Kabbalah started. YES, WELL, ROB, SHE WAS BORN AND RAISED CATHOLIC AND THEN BECAME A WHORE, BUT FOR THE LAST DECADE SHE HAS STUDYING KABBALAH. AND HE EVEN WRITTEN A KABBALAH CHILDREN'S BOOK. (Dave) OH, HERE COME THE JEWS.

Why don't we take a look below? TODAY, WE, THE JEWISH PEOPLE, TAKE... LENNY KRAVITZ. WOW, IN A SURPRISE MOVE THE JEWS CHOOSE LENNY KRAVITZ, FOLKS. IN ACTUALLY HE IS HALF BLACK AND HALF JEWISH. HIS MOTHER WAS IN "THE JEFFERSONS," A KEY SHOW OF BLACK CULTURE. AND HIS FATHER, A JEW, WAS HIS LAWYER. Heh, I couldn't make that up. Well, Lenny is all Jewish now. UNFORTUNATELY, LENNY CAN'T GET HERE TO ACCEPT. IT'S IN MIAMI BEACH. MIAMI BEACH? WELL, HE SHOULD HAVE GOT THE NEWS OF BEING A JEWISH EARLY. HA HA HA... (Dave) VERY GOOD, THE LATINOS ARE ALREADY UP.

WHY DON'T WE ALL LISTEN TO YOUR CHOICE of her. WE LATINOS CHOOSE... ELIAN GONZALEZ. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. WE WANTED TO DO THIS BEFORE WHITE PEOPLE TRY TO ADOPT HIM AS ONE OF THEIRS... AGAIN. (loud applause) OK... CAN YOU GUESS WHO'S TURN? WHITE PEOPLE. LET'S SEE WHICH DIRECTION THEY GO. HALLE BERRY IS STILL AVAILABLE, AS IS MARIAH CAREY'S CRAZY ASS. (coughing) CRACKER... THAT'S VERY MATURE, RONDELL. THANK YOU ALL, GOOD AFTERNOON. (boo) EXCUSE ME. (clears throat) FORGIVE ME. Hey, will you cut the malarkey? OK, I'M TALKING. THERE'S A WHITE MAN TALKING HERE! SILENCE! (boos continue) UNGOWA! THANK YOU...

DAMN IT. WE, THE WHITE DELEGATION, ARE VERY PROUD TO ANNOUNCE OUR PICK FOR THIS YEAR, COLIN POWELL! THAT ? COLIN POWELL IS NOT WHITE. IT'S NOT EVEN A WHITE EIGHTH. IT IS 100% BLACK. THE LAST THING I HEARD. Wow, I wonder how the black people take this. ( Rondell ) WE, THE BLACK DELEGATION, ACCEPT THE WHITE DELEGATION'S OFFER TO WRITE COLIN POWELL, ON THE CONDITION THAT THEY ALSO ACCEPT CONDOLEEZZA RICE AS PART OF THE DEAL. BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, BY WHITE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WE ACCEPT. YOU GOT A DAMN DEAL. (applause) THE BLACK DELEGATION REQUESTS EMINEM. WAIT A DAMN MINUTE, RONDELL, THAT'S NOT PART OF THE BUSINESS.

I'm pushing, baby. Okay, well, don't pressure me. YOU'RE TALKING TO THE LATEST SCAMMER. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. LET'S MAKE ALL THINGS FAIR, LET'S KEEP EMINEM... YOU GOT O.J. SIMPSON. YEAH ! (Dave) AMAZING! A FIRST ROUND ABSOLUTELY FULL OF SURPRISES. AMAZING, COLIN POWELL AND CONDOLEEZZA RICE NOW OFFICIALLY WHITE. DO BLACK AGAIN. WHAT A DAY. You know, if white people knew they were going to get away with electing a black person, I bet they would have chosen Oprah. Oh well, absolutely, Rob. THICK THIGHS, NO CRIME, WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE BEEN A GREAT PICKUP. WELL, THE CHINESE DELEGATION IS NEXT.

EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE THE LAST, THEY HAVE BEEN WAITING WITH ZEN PATIENCE. I guess it's YAO MING. HE HAS SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH BLACK PEOPLE LEARNING slang and talking shit. IF THEY ARE NOT CAREFUL, THEY COULD LOSE IT. THE ASIAN DELEGATION CHOOSE... EL RZA, EL GZA, U-GOD INSPECTAH DECK, GHOSTFACE KILLAH, THE WU-TANG CLAN! (Dave) OH MY GOD! OH LORD ! BUT I JUST HEARD IT WITH MY BOTH EARS. THIS IS BY FAR THE BIGGEST ANNOYANCE OF THE NIGHT. THE CHINESE DELEGATION PULLING A FAST AND CHOOSING THE ENTIRE WU-TANG CLAN. BROOKLYN! THIS IS THE BIG BOSS, YORKERS.

WE WERE ALWAYS A FAN OF KUNG FU AND CHINESE CULTURE, AND SHIT. So, it's like BONG-BONG, you know? YES, I WANT TO REMIND YOU ALL TO DIVERSIFY YOUR LINKS. RZA HAS TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT. OH YEAH, OL' DIRTY HAS NOW CHANGED ITS NAME FROM "DIRT McGIRT" TO "THE DIRTY OLD CHINESE RESTAURANT". (singing) WU-TANG, WU-TANG, WU-TANG.. KONICHIWA, BITCHES. FRIENDS, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON THIS AMAZING NIGHT. OUR COVERAGE ENDS HERE, BUT BE SURE TO SEE THE REST ON OUR WEBSITE. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE RACES. AND KONICHIWA, BITCHES.