Best of Ralphie May from Last Comic Standing

they cut very slowly to try to find the capacity there and then do the math in their head that I carry the one in front of her, but as a man we got a lot easier. That women, you know what I'm saying, especially with television and stuff? Because the man is not fat if he is a man, he is a hundred pounds overweight and anything less than 100 pounds than his man is not fat, you are chubby, big boned, your coach, coach right, yeah, uh, but what? You'll get it every day, right, girls? They never weigh around 100 pounds like girls.around 10 15 pounds in California at seven eight nine pounds they tell you you're always too big they always tell you you're too big something is always wrong with you watch tv this same medium I'm on now says himself you are... something is wrong with you nonsense there is nothing wrong with you being what you are supposed to be you are right they seem like something to regret all the time most stages other women isn't that something you go to supermarket girls all?

What I want to do is buy you a pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream, right, that's right, it's your time of the month. You want to go home and cry, right? Don't let me fall, no one touches you, looks at you, but you first. You can get those magazine covers at the supermarket, you know, the skinny white one with her Megan with the big messy hair and the ugly $4,000 dress with big lips like they just burned someone's breakfast in Texas. I'm sorry. I'm tired of TV saying you're too fat like a big B. I'm glad the show has cancer.

Well, that girl has some benefit at any time to make up television. I'm going to have to send that girl the 75 cents I have. mine 75 cents i can save a big bill she's so thin

last

week she fell on set and they faxed it to the hospital that's scary something is always wrong you weigh 140 pounds and you're on a low diet because society says you have to do it now you died up to 95 pounds you don't order messy things like salads without lettuce how the hell are you not going to have a side of yourself reduced to nothing you don't have breasts no, you want to know when I have fake breasts I'm going to have fake breasts, one who frequents holes, it's going to change, we'll get free cars and free money and everything, and when I take off my bra there'll be music and lies, look, hey, that's all I got. a good rack, damn it, I'll be things and gods, what happened to your money?

You don't have a butt anymore. You became like a little place where I used to be. You gotta grab a skinny white girl, but no one's gonna ask you if I need Jordan's spine, yeah, I like a big belly, you got a digger hooked, but not anymore, no, it's 'cause those stupid pants made you wear them stupidly too much tight for your tight tight pants, come on I'm sick of them. $40 for extra pants and I don't know the skinny women that are mad at me, fuck you fatties, fuck you, don't come see me because you'll get some D like a big plate of Deez Nuts, which is the guest law, Fortunately, losers are always welcome on this show, he may have been the second or

last

comedian

standing

, but he's the first in our hearts, here's the giant Ralph, okay, yeah, yeah, I think that seed is in you, Ralphie, we were very disappointed, we were sure you were going to win. and we actually called Ralphie at the last minute and said, please fly from Las Vegas right here.

What happened is the fan character won, yeah, dad, the fan won, even though no one exactly likes you and everyone and everyone loves you, ah, are you doing, are you pulling like an Oh? Reuben, where are you going to promote those number two jerseys? I know I'm only number two and I'm a big fan of throwing deuces, so there you go, well, what happened? Do you think you were scammed? Do you think they discriminated against you? against you because you pretend to be black all the time what do you think happened? I think I lost that's all, we're not very funny, but it's the truth, if you were happy for him when he won, any man, I would have been happy for Vice. or Aunt KOICA, yes, I would have been very happy because those kids didn't like this dad friend.

No one seemed to like this guy, how the hell did he win? Because, uh, white girls love it, okay, I don't know the people who vote, they love it, hello. He's Asian, they have computers and cell phones, well I couldn't understand a word. He was saying that you guys did terrible things to him, though, terrible, shut up, I don't see Michelle lately, yeah, you guys played hide and seek and then he hid. and no one came looking for it, my 11 year old niece Ginger said she wouldn't have been fooled, so come on, come on, you know what you should have done, you know what you should have done on the show, right, you would have guaranteed it . to win, what is it?

Well, you should have done this, what you did on our show, honestly, still, to the state, it's the funniest thing ever shown. There's no doubt about it and I still can't get a co-host on this. It's the chair, I'll bring my own chair, are you doing like that? Oh yeah, you know what, although I'm telling you, what if it worked well, it worked well, coming in second place for this young man, now doesn't this show come on every night? practically the kiss of death, I think everything will be fine, think about it this way, you didn't have to go on the Jay Leno show tomorrow, right man, the only reason I wanted to go to the Jay Leno show tomorrow was because our misfortune was going to be there tomorrow and maybe I can recover my $9 for collateral damage, will you come to the movies with us?

Hello, it will be popcorn. There will be popcorn. We'll get you out. We have Macy Gray. Fred Willard German. Ralphie friend, we will be back with us.