Ralphie May: Too Big To Ignore - $97 Salad

Latinos, you are all being attacked everywhere you go. I was in Arizona and the white people there have invented a law where they arrest people for driving as Mexicans. Okay, I swear to God, it's okay if you have four or nine people. your car, good luck getting through Phoenix Jack, good luck, you're going to need it, everyone gets pulled over, Sergeant, we got a blue-on-blue 84 Chevy Silverado with three lawnmowers on the back, pull that motherfucker, get I told all my friends. Arizona I don't care if you're white, black or brown, don't leave home without your wallet in Arizona, well you're trying to explain that you're not Mexican, you'll eat a dry bologna sandwich on a bus ride. to mexicali go uh I swear to god my name is brandon I was mowing the grass in my own garden yeah what happened I don't even speak Spanish look none of my teeth are silver or the size of a baby look look look I don't think people that I invented this law I have really thought about everything, you know, think about it friends, if we get rid of all the Mexicans, not in vain, how are we going to move everyone I know uses Mexicans, the whites, the blacks, the Mexicans use To Mexicans, it's okay, I'm not?

Speaking of well-groomed Mexican Americans, with good bone structure and adequate nutrition, I'm talking about those little wet ones, the ones that slip through the border that you get at the Home Depot, three for fifty dollars or for one hundred dollars, twelve of them will show. up and uh with three old ladies and boiling tortillas, okay, it takes them 17 minutes 17 minutes and they take all your things out of the house to a van, one in an inverted pyramid, they stack them it's incredible, incredible engineering, incredible, without a rope, no . rope, they just throw the smaller Mexican on top and he holds two mattresses and a coffee table.

It's amazing for those 17 minutes, your whole house looks like that apocalypse movie. There are little Aztec Indians jumping and appearing. One of them is praying to catch. a koat in the corner, okay, and as soon as they finish here, these three old ladies come sweeping, mopping, dusting, washing everything with that purple water, how fabulous or something, I don't know, that's not from America . things are genuine coming out of the third world grime like you got a collar bud you get that fabulous cat that cleans everything they're like the punks mr clean like it's okay let faba rosso be the real deal argo by ghost way I call it ghost water, it's okay because that's what it does, except it's a paint with metal strips, if you leave it there too long and these old ladies are cleaning everything you're stopping at, the old shell of your house , because we are? moving this is incredible, it was our shit that was ruining this house, man, Mexicans are incredibly clean, it's funny, when I made that joke, I tell this joke and, you know, I tell people that's where the term comes from and the span and look for it, look.

This is because Mexicans are very clean, look, at first you think it's going to be a racial insult, then it turns out to be a racial compliment, now it's prejudice. I was doing this prank in Orange County, California about a month and a half ago and when I did it, uh, a white lady stood up and said we have to get rid of all those Mexicans, they're ruining our country and I was shocked by their racism. , You know? and it's strange coming from someone from the south, you know you would. I guess I would have heard outbursts like that before in my life, but in the South, you know, I mean, I was born in Chattanooga, Tennessee, grew up in a small town in Arkansas called Clarksville, and moved to Texas when I was 18.

I mean, I'm a Southerner when the chips are down and I've never heard racial bile spilled like this, at least in the South we have the willingness and decorum to whisper our racial slurs, you know, and you don't know this about me, but I grew up spending my summers in a small town even smaller than my hometown in southern Arkansas called Delight, okay, it's where my grandfather ate. May had her farm and she was a cattle farm and in her old age she didn't have that big of a farm. herd, but he thought the neighbors were taking cattle and replacing the tags, so he went back to Brandon, old school, Brandon and my brother, who was almost six years older than me, had no problem turning these cattle and my grandfather, you know, him. hold it and put that mark on it I was a chubby 11 year old kid I held on that's all I did well, I held on and hopefully the cow would trip on my chubby ass, okay and it would fall, but that day was a tough day for me, the cattle beat me up, okay, I mean beat the hellish drug through hot cow failure, hot cow shit, I mean, hot, very hot, very warm, you think the cold is bad, the Cold is not as bad as hot, hot is much worse, I peed all over and got kicked. in your fucking head I don't know how many times, by the way, after a day like that, when your grandpa has to hose you down in the garden because you can even come into the house, it's okay, nothing tastes better than a cheeseburger . because you're mad as hell, but my grandpa taught me how to drag him down, what you have to do is let him run a little bit past you and then grab his ear or his little horn and push down and when he turns his head, you lift their head up like this and they have the option of breaking their neck or going with you and their own momentum, if you just fall back, it will throw you on top of them and they will just lie there. the ground and that's what I had to do to that lady.

I had to let that go a little bit past me and then grab your ass, so I said, lady, I'm with you, let's get rid of those Mexicans. I will buy gas for the bus as soon as you can tell me who will pick our fruits and vegetables, she goes, excuse me, well, madam, see that 99 of our products reach the market through Latin hands without them, we do not have fruits and vegetables in our grocery stores they're not mine, I buy mine at Whole Foods, you're adorable, okay, listen, dumbass, they may have hippies in the front at Whole Foods, but they all do the real work or the Mexicans in the back, okay, But you're right, lady.

All the Mexicans at Whole Foods are 100% organic and that's what matters, so this racist said, "We'll get a machine to do it" and I said, "Well, ma'am, you know, not in vain, all our technology, our satellite phones. and televisions and everything, we have never been able to ventilate a machine that knows which tomato to pick and which to leave hanging, which grape to cut, which to leave on the branch. The machines we invented were Mexican and are perfect. They are generally shorter, generally they have a shorter stature, which It means they have less. Okay, because I'm sorry, people already say it's a dick move, Ralphie, okay, okay, look, okay, I'm five foot nine and a half, okay, the average height of an American man.

He's five foot eight inches okay look while I'm trying to pick low fruits and veggies okay look I had to bring my back up to almost a 90 degree angle throughout the day which caused extreme amounts of lower back pain and fatigue. becoming a very poor employee, okay now look at how the average Mexican citizen tries the same thing, perfect sense, perfect sense, they're awesome, so she says we'll get white people to do it and I'm like man why do you think The Mexicans are here now because we can't get the whites to do it. Okay, but let's stick with your premise.

Okay, first of all, are you guys native to California? She says: Yes, I am fine and your son is with you. Yes, it is and I. I like him, ma'am, that guy's allergic to work, okay, he's never had to work hard, okay, with his cool little Justin Bieber haircut, his flip flops, and his skate park pass, he's adorable , but you've never actually worked, okay, no. You know, hard work, okay, hard physical work, last an hour working like a Mexican, okay, if you could invite him to do it and he's too busy doing this, okay, okay, that guy is allergic to work, okay, that's all What can you say, it's the The truth is, okay, and besides you've never known a time without Mexican labor, this is California, there were a lot of people, California was full of Mexicans when it was called Mexico.

Okay, that's something we all forget is that there are a lot of Mexicans that never crossed the border, the border crossed them okay, they're like I guess we stayed okay so I'm like ma'am, it just doesn't make any sense you know you're stupid, okay, okay Let's say we could get white people to do it. How much would it cost you thirty dollars an hour for white people to work like Mexicans? Probably more and then there are other costs like free sunscreen. How much money are you going to spend on sunscreen with white people? You get someone as pale as me or this fat guy or that white guy okay out there in the field with so much direct light we'll explode okay boom what happened to Bob?

He didn't carry the damn sbs of him. That's what happened to Bob. He changed the signs zero days ago. last accident look, your children, either you use your sunscreen or you come here in a beekeeper's suit. Okay, I'm not going to let Osha get up my ass with this shit because you sons of a bitch won't use your damn sunscreen. Do you hear me? white people are lazy white people we invented the three-day weekend that's how lazy we are it's the truth nobody wants to admit it what white people are like no, we're not lazy ah come on, stop, it's really okay, president's day, anyone?

You sit and wonder? about the Taft administration on President's Day no, there is no memorial day Mexicans don't know about memorial day that's Monday for a Mexican that's a work day we have to work on Monday make money it's okay labor day is the biggest nonsense of all time okay in honor of everyone who is working we're not going to see what I'm saying it just doesn't make any sense and the fourth of July that's only between the third and fifth of July for Mexicans okay, some day For Mexicans, Cinco de Mayo you better have a cold beer on May 5th, but that's one day, as opposed to the 23rd for white people, that's almost a full month of extra productivity you'll get from a Mexican citizen who You can never get out of a white American, you understand?

Okay, let's put it in basic terms, if white people pick your fruits and vegetables, your

salad

will cost you 97 dollars, you want a cheeseburger, 350. you want pickles on it, 12 dollars, damn those magic pickles, what the hell is happening? and then this white lady says, I guess we'll find someone else and I say who, ma'am, who, who, I don't know, I guess black people and I see some black guys about to stand up, wait. play guys I got this okay don't worry about it I was like ma'am if you think you're bringing blacks back to the same fields they came out of 150 years ago you're a smoking crack okay I hate do it.

I'm telling you, but you can't get a black man to go into a big backyard and pick out a movie, much less a fruit or vegetable. Am I lying on my diet? You're just stupid.