Achmed The Dead Terrorist | Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map

(electric guitar music) - Did you know that the first x-ray was taken here in Birmingham, England, in 1896? - Ha! You call it x-ray. I call it selfie. (laughs) - So, what did you do today? - I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures. - Ah, Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. - No, no, Parliament. (laughter and applause) (pipe music) - We've been talking a little about Scotland. - Oh yeah? - Mmmm. I read the other day that Scotland is, in fact, I've kept this fact for you, the murder capital of Europe. - (gasps) (laughs) I didn't do it.

I had nothing to do with this (bleep). (laughs) - Did you know that the bagpipes have existed in Scotland since the 14th century? - (gasps) That's probably when the homicide rate increased. (laughs) (imitating bagpipes) Waaah da da da-da ra-da Boom! (bomb noise) (laughs) - (laughs) (applause and laughter) Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish? - Why do you say that? - Sometimes I wanted to dress in Scottish clothes. - Actually? - Oh, of course, she would say, I killed you! (laughs) (laughs) Kilt, kilt, kilt, I'll take you away. (laughs) (Israeli music) - So, Achmed, we've been going all over the place. - Have. - Do you know where we are? - Well, we go to so many places that I've lost count, and we, uh, uh, what's up with all the Jews? (laughs) - We are in Israel. - (laughs) That's really funny.

Yes, okay, Israel. (laughs) Yeah, that's really funny, we're what? (laughs) - We are in Tel Aviv. - (weak laughter) (laughs) Like in the Israeli army? (laughs) Shit! (laughs) Well, I'm already

dead

. What the hell. (laughter, applause and cheers) (upbeat music) - Bonjour. (speaks French) (laughs) - So you're French? - Oui oui, c'est francais. - Aha, and your name is Jacques? - Yes. Je m'appelle Jacques. (laughs) - And what is your last name? - Merde. (laughs) What are you laughing at zay? (laughs) My name is Jacques Merde. (laughter) (applause and cheers) I don't understand what they're laughing at. (laughs) - I think merde translates to uh (whispers) (laughs) - Am I Jack Shit? (laughs) - Well, despite your name, you seem like a good guy. - You don't know Jack Shit! (laughs) Wait, that's not funny. (laughs) - They're laughing. - I kill you! (laughter) (applause and applause) - Ho ho ho. - So you're happy to be here? - Not because? - Where are we exactly? - (laughs) - Don't spit in my face, you ugly American. (laughs) Where are we exactly? - Kuala Lumpur. - Ah yes, Kuala Lumpur. (laughs) Malaysia, the weather here sucks! (laughs) Where I'm from, the weather is hot.

The morning is hot. The afternoon and night are hot. - I don't think it's always hot in France. - Ah ah ah ah ah! Don't question Jacques. (laughs) Isn't it always hot in France? - No. - Damn, it's okay. (Laughter and applause) Let's say that, to keep joking, Francais is always hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, like a hot desert. (laughs) Yes, you've been there before. Yes, there are pyramids, sand. (laughs) Silence! Je t'a mar. (laughs) - What was that? - I know French. (laughs) - So explain what you do. - I am a French

terrorist

. - A French

terrorist

? - Yes Yes. (laughs) - Then you totally agree. - No, I have to pee. (laughs) It's not funny! (laughs) Silence!

Je t'a mar! (laughs) - I thought French was known as the language of love. - Oui oui, I love flying (beep). (laughter, cheers and applause) (strong slide)