LOST TAPE! The Achmed you WEREN’T supposed to see! | JEFF DUNHAM

- Hello everyone, Jeff Dunham. - And here Achmed Greetings unfaithful. (hypnotic music) - So, Achmed, do you know what I did the other day? - I don't want to know. - I dug up a

tape

. - A ribbon? - A very old

tape

. - How many years? - Well, it was before you. - Before me, is it B.A? - Yes, before Achmed. - Yes. (hypnotic music) - And that tape, it's the first version of yours. - Iteration? - That's how it is. He was the guy before you. -Who was he? (hypnotic music) - It was a year after 9/11, and at the time Letterman and Leno were joking about what? - They joked about Osama bin Laden. - That's how it is. - Where was that guy?

Was he alive? He was dead? - And I discovered it. - You did it? -That's right, he was dead and lived in my suitcase with my boys. Then I came out with The Dead Osama. (hypnotic music) - Anyone want to see that? - I don't know, maybe the people here - In Omaha, maybe they want to see it. (crowd cheering) (hypnotic music) - And this is one of the first times I used it on stage. So, it was kind of a precursor for you. - Okay, this should be fun. Something more different? - Something. - What's that? - (stuttering) I'm, I'm, I'm - Fat? - A little fatter. - Okay, okay, this will be fun. (crowd laughing) Look at this. (crowd applauding) - Well, ladies and gentlemen, before we begin, I must tell you that there is a phrase that I have been waiting to hear for many months.

I won't be happy until I hear this phrase. I know that our country has moved on to other things, but we cannot forget these people. The only sentence I really want to hear is that Osama bin Laden is dead, right? (crowd applauding) Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have an interesting announcement for you tonight. Please help me welcome Osama bin Laden to the stage before you tonight. (crowd booing) (crowd applauding) - (warrior call) - Osama, thank you for coming. - Alright. - You know, some people think you're dead, others think you're alive. - I know. I'm like the Elvis of Al Qaeda. (crowd laughing) - You don't look so good. - I'm fine. - You

lost

a lot of weight. -Jenny Craig. (crowd laughing) - So where have you been all this time? - In your damn suitcase. -How did the security check at the airport go for you? - I say "Oh, I'm Ally McBeal." (crowd laughing) Silence! (crowd laughing) I love you. (crowd laughing) Silence! (crowd laughing) I love you. (crowd laughing) What's wrong with my feet? (crowd laughing) Holy shit. (crowd laughing) Stop touching me! (crowd laughing) I love you. (crowd laughing) What are you doing? - I'm trying to get your legs to stay in one place. - I like you. (crowd laughing) - Look Osama, would you mind if I ask you some questions? - Alright. - Very well, I have been wondering Osama, how did you convince your followers to do the things they did? - Those guys were idiots. - You promised them 70 virgins in paradise. - I know, it was a lie! (crowd laughing) - Are there no virgins? - No. - Why did you choose number 70? - I was going to say 69 but it was too obvious. (crowd laughing) Did you understand? 69. (evil laugh) I'll kill you. (crowd laughing) Foot, foot! - I'm sorry! (crowd laughing) - Damn! - I'm sorry! - Silence! (crowd laughing) Boo! (crowd laughing) (Osama evil laughs) - Look, I understand that many of your followers still live in caves. - Yes because? - Too difficult to build a fort. - Oh. - We tried.

I said screw it, dig a hole. - I understand that you still have a lot of advanced electronic equipment in some of these caves. What did you do with this equipment? - We look at it. - Look at it? - Yes because? - There is no place to plug it in. (crowd laughs) Kill. (crowd laughs) - I understand you still run a training camp. - Yes, at Camp Bin Laden. - What are you doing with this training camp? - Do we have many activities? - Like what? - Hand-to-hand combat training. - Yes. - Explosive training. - Yes. - Arts and crafts. (crowd laughs) - Arts and crafts? - Do you see this in my head? - Yes. - I did. - Actually? (crowd laughs) - I did it with underwear. (crowd laughing) - I understand that you also have many wives. - Big mistake. (crowd laughs) - Why? - All day, bitch, bitch, bitch. (crowd laughs) At least one goat isn't complaining. (crowd boos) - What? - A goat? - My favorite is Margaret (goat voice) (crowd laughs) - I also understand that you have many children? - Yes, I make Catholics look like they're on the pill. (crowd laughs) - Well, look Osama, we have a big audience here tonight.

Would you mind answering a few questions if anyone has them? - Oh, of course. - Well, any questions, don't hesitate to shout it out. We'll see if Osama can answer them. Anything, just shout at them. - Where are you? - I'm here, idiot. (crowd laughs) Thanks for your silly question. (crowd laughs) - More questions, but this time, please think about them carefully. (crowd laughs) - What else? - Where are your weapons of mass destruction? - Weapons of mass destruction, actually that's Saddam. (crowd laughs) (crowd applauds) I guess the Fuquake bus arrived tonight. (crowd laughs) - And that's it again, Osama, here we go, okay. (the crowd applauds)