A Cardigan Is The Perfect Police Repellent. Mike Goodwin - Full Special

"Hey man, can I be honest with you?" (audience laughs) Well, that's what I thought you were doing all the time. (Audience laughs) Is that all pretending that you were just sharing with me? (Audience laughs) I was talking to someone earlier this week and they said, "Hey, the weekend will be here before you know it." (Audience laughs) I said, no, it's not. (Audience laughs) I know how the days work. (Audience laughs) Yes, after Thursday it's the weekend. Normally that's how it goes, Thursday, then the weekend, that's how it happens. I was at the hotel. They had a sign on the door that said: no shirt, no shoes, no service.

You mean if someone shows up without pants, we don't have any problems around here? (Audience laughs) Are there no problems with this? One of the weird things I think we talk about is death. We have some strange expressions for death. Try to soften the blow. We say things like, "They're gone." They died. "They expired, like milk. (Audience laughs) A few years ago, a storm chaser died, and the media kept saying the same thing, they said they died doing what they loved to do. Then they started making things up. They're probably in a big tornado in the sky (audience laughing).

And that made me think, because I wouldn't want to die doing what I love to do. (audience laughing) Can you imagine going to a. comedy show and the comedian just faints on stage and dies? (Audience laughing) They would say he died doing what he loved to do in heaven (audience laughing) But the interesting thing is that we don't do that when tragic things happen. You know, someone dies because of drug use. We don't say, (audience laughing) that he died doing what he loved. He's probably in the big crack house in the sky. (Audience laughing.) we say. (Audience laughs) So I'm forty now, that's different.

Yeah. That's different, man. I didn't realize that when you turned 40 your doctor got very hands-on with you. (audience laughs) I didn't know that was the case. I went to my physical, I thought it was time to go home. My doctor started putting on this glove. He told me, put your elbows on the table. I fainted. (audience laughs) I woke up in the parking lot, just crying. (Audience laughs) I texted my wife. I said, I think I just got raped, that's what I think just happened. For 40 years no one cared about what was happening there. I don't even go back there like that, man. (Audience laughs) Am I the best medical technology we have to offer? (Audience laughs) Come on, man, we can take pictures with our phones.

Surely we can get some scientists together and come up with something better than someone's finger. (Audience laughs) One night I made that joke and someone yelled, "Wait until you're 50." I was like, Oh. (Audience laughs) You know, and I know I'm getting older. You know, that's part of life, man. I realize I'm getting older because I do older people's things. I watch 60 minutes. (Audience laughs) That's not for young people. (Audience laughs) You don't see any spring break commercials on 60 Minutes. You see Viking river cruises, that's what you see. (Audience laughs) And if you're young on that trip, you'll be there with your grandmother or your sugar daddy.

That's what's happening. (Audience laughs) Even though I'm getting older, I still like to use slang terms. One of my favorite slang terms is "my bad." Always say it, my bad. But there are some people you don't want to hear "my bad" from. (audience laughs) As if you don't want to be sitting in your barber's chair, (audience laughs) the barber says, "Did you see the game last night? (imitating the slide of the hair clipper) "That's my problem." (Audience laughing) No, that's my head. (audience laughing) Like you don't want to be in the dentist's chair, the dentist is in your mouth, "Could you open wide, please? (Imitating the slide of the dentist's drill) "That's my problem." Look, I don't understand my dentist.

My dentist tells me to raise one of my hands if I feel any discomfort. I told him, doctor, if you were paying attention, that tear that just came out of the side of my eye (audience laughs) is a clear illustration that I'm feeling some discomfort. He likes: "That's my problem." (Audience laughs). One thing I've also noticed is that now that I'm a little older, I'd rather eat cookies than sit-ups. (Audience laughs). I'd rather eat a six-pack of cookies. Now you see food and gain weight, at this point my doctor told me I had to lose some weight.

I say, doctor, I'm probably not going to lose anything. weight (audience laughs) I have Girl Scout cookies in the freezer from last year. That's not good. It's not going to be good. But I started going back to the gym. It happens at the gym, every time I go to the gym, it never fails, I walk into the locker room, it's an 85 year old man walking around naked with bathing shoes and a towel on his shoulder eating sunflower seeds. (audience laughing) I tell you, sir, where is his family? And this man always wants to start a conversation with me.

What he's not going to do is talk to me. without pants. Sir, (audience laughs) very inappropriate. The other day I was at the gym and I saw this woman, her pants said yoga, but her butt said McDonald's. (Audience laughs) I think you're sitting on the golden arches, ma'am, that's what I think. (Audience laughs) Shout out to the couples on date night. A round of applause for date night. (audience cheering) Date night. This is what I call a red zone night. Do you know what you're supposed to do when you're in the red zone? You're supposed to score. (Audience laughs) I don't care if it's just a field goal, I'll give you some points. (Audience laughs) But I'll tell you what's going on.

They'll get in the car and argue stupidly on the way home. And then when you get home, it's third-and-20. You've got to punt the ball, you've got to punt. (Audience laughs) The ball is in the five right now. Just go ahead and score. Score the ball. He joined the military after high school. I appreciate the military, because it paid for me to go to college. (Audience applauds) But college brought a lot of reality to my life. When I was little, people told me I could be a doctor. I couldn't have been a doctor. I wasn't good at science, or math, or English. (audience laughs) I just wasn't a good student in general. (Audience laughs) But if I had become a doctor, I would have to become an MB, for my sake. (Audience laughs) I see it now: "Dr.

Goodwin," you prescribed the wrong medication "to 25 patients." My fault. (Audience laughs) "Dr. Goodwin, you removed "a

perfect

ly healthy kidney." Too bad. "Dr. Goodwin, our baby "looks like a pixie." (Audience laughs) Oh no, that's your problem. (Audience laughs) What you're not going to do is blame me for your bad DNA, that's what you're not going to do.