30 minutes of best one-liners. Mock The Week Compilation by Gary Delaney - all 18 Wheel of news sets

and they are the relationships right relationships it's good to be here the last time I was here a girl asked me for sex I had to let her down we had sex I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover I have a DVD on how to improve Your foreplay technique was really good . I had to skip ahead to the boring part at the beginning last night. I had beef stew with meatballs. I shouldn't call her that, but she's a big girl. I went to see the stalactites at Cheddar Gorge and our guide asked us not to try to do something and she wasn't even that attractive, still she managed.

It was very dark this morning. I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculator support group, but it happens to be tomorrow, I think some of the men. I started clapping before the end of that joke at the way my girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer myself up I bought an identical one, she was furious, what am I going to do with two dead dogs? A friend of mine had a penis extension now his house looks very old and stupid. Ladies names are back in fashion at the moment, like Lily, Elsie or Rose, and we wanted something like that for our daughter but couldn't decide so in the end we just called her nan, I told her she would grow up.

I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell chardon freud and I couldn't, but he's already dead and I'm not, so I win. My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph and that's because he is a bit acidic. My married friends always would. tell me there's someone out there for everyone and I think wow she must be right scum knock knock who's there grandpa stop the funeral brandon asked me how to print on his new computer I told him just control p he's never been able to do that for you my El Confirmed bachelor uncle always describes himself as asexual, but I would also add that he was gay as a child.

I was always told that if he touched me there, God was watching, but it turns out Uncle Peter is a celebrity, a celebrity they started a celebrity magazine for. the old man's name is hi hi hi yuri geller surprisingly hard to stab malcolm a freezer the new president of france said this

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that english speakers were arrogant for refusing to learn foreign languages ​​at least i think that's what he said, but it all sounded like horny horny and remember that's not racist when it comes to the french I would give the Dalai Lama a fiver if he was a Tibetan man when they buried the man who invented Tetris, the whole cemetery disappeared and seven years in prison here.

Abu Hamza could be deported to the United States where he could face the electric chair but on the plus side if he gets electrocuted at least he can just stick his hook here and pretend to be a bumper car that actually looks like my girlfriend and I apparently in norfolk the marriage counseling service is called related my girlfriend says i'm not very romantic the other day we were kissing on the couch she said how about we take this to the bedroom? I said, okay, you go to the other extreme when, when she suggested we try playing doctors and nurses, she was really hoping for something.

Sexier than staying in a hallway for two days. My girlfriend and I are trying to have a baby. Her mom agreed to help just to make me hard. He'll see that on TV too. That's terrible. They always say you will find love. your life when you're not really looking, which was true, but by then she had already run over it. I have been trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her keychain. She keeps fooling me when I heard you can now. be a sperm donor by mail I arrived in a jiffy I went to a swingers club the bouncer says it's 15 pounds to get in or you can pay 20 pounds which includes a meal I paid 20 pounds I went to this oiled naked guy comes to me because hello my name is Emil.

I once had a one night stand and didn't get an erection. That is not right. Fortunately, the woman he was with was very understanding. She just said, "Don't worry, that has to happen to me once." At school I lost my thesaurus I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was. I remember sitting in a psychology class learning about Pavlov thinking there were no stupid dogs and then the bell rang and we all had lunch. I'm sitting at home, this guy calls. at my door, have you ever considered an alternative energy supplier? I say no, I'm very happy with the food, it must be a difficult job going door to door encouraging people to carry out photosynthesis.

I can tell you the main cause of anaphylactic shock in In short, I have the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant. My grandmother recently claimed that she once gave Albert Einstein a handjob. What a petting genius, technically stealing from an Apple store only counts. Since sex education lessons at our school were pretty weird, the teacher shouted rude words to get out of our system like bum Willie Cox and we had to keep doing it until he arrived. The theme is childhood when he was a child. walking the plank we couldn't afford a dog my six year old son refuses to eat anything but alphabet spaghetti fortunately he is dyslexic so I buy him regular spaghetti seems to work daddy's raw elves yes welsh I bought him some meds for his ADHD on the side of the bowl it said concentrate I thought if he could do that I bought a really good 12 year old scotch obviously his parents weren't happy I hate people who complain about breastfeeding in public I don't want to see it or that's gross or you can't to do that you're not a woman and that's not a baby when we were kids we always enjoyed dipping ginger nuts in a cup of steaming tea but of course nowadays that's called bullying I shouldn't do that because of The way Gingerbread jokes are the last vestiges of racism and comedy and they started a gingerbread pride movement to put an end to it.

They held a march in Hyde Park, very organic, where the sun rose. Nan always said that when she was young she never had to worry. about leaving his back door open what a scumbag I'm going to get in trouble with the family again this really isn't worth it you have to take care of your health as you get older the other day I pooped and noticed there was a little blood on it I said oy bro get out of my bath thanks well done guys so relationships are good. I used to suffer from premature ejaculation which made me feel selfish and bad for my girlfriend so she suggested I try this special cream that reduces your sensitivity and it really worked because now I don't give a damn I bought a vegan friend a book of fancy kitchen, unfortunately he said he couldn't accept his.

It was bound in leather, which meant it was too heavy to lift when I was a teenager, my mom always said that your room is so messy you'll never get any self-respecting girl to come back here, but luckily it wasn't them. which was after I saw the director's cut of a porn movie at the end. In fact, fix the washing machine. I was in a sex shop. I saw a dildo described as nine inches long and realistic. I thought well, which one is it? The Archbishop of Canterbury recently said he couldn't support gay marriage without first having a mandate, honestly, if that's the case.

That bothers me. I'll go out with him once at a party. I threw my car keys in a big bowl and everyone stared at me and everything was ruined. The other day I was watching a very strange porn movie that was just a fat man. crying and masturbating at the same time and then I realized I hadn't turned on the TV thank you very much the topic is shopping hey where are you going I bought a weight loss magazine at W.H Schmitz I didn't read it I just wanted a big bar a galaxy for a pound I bought some fancy pens in a nudist art store markers no, but I touched a couple of balls I was in a lingerie store a pair of these panties were on he said no, they're new I went to buy a Christmas tree the guy said you're going to do it assemble yourself I said now I was thinking in the living room I bought a chameleon I lost it why when women go to the bathroom in pairs no one cares but when I did it I got kicked out of the grocery store, I got into a fight with my acupuncturist and I stabbed him.

He said he had never felt better. According to the vet, my cat is in heat. I didn't even know she was famous. A friend of mine keeps talking and talking. How good your orthopedic shoe is but I think you have made it too big I bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses at every door someone tells you to go away thank you uh the topic is health the doctor told me to lose a little weight I said as he said don't eat anything fatty, I said what cakes, chips, that sort of thing, he said no, just don't eat anything, I got kicked out of the weight watchers for making snide comments during the

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ly weigh-in, as you can imagine, I accepted the decision . very funny because they also kicked her out of the dyslexic society recently they gave her an obe she said what's the point I can't play the damn thing I live next to a family of anorexic agrophobes but they have some skeletons In class, a friend of mine has been suffering from paranoid delusions and now believes he is a chocolate orange.

I'm worried they're going to section him, poor Terry. I thought ppi was something you could get if you didn't wear glasses. What I bought were swimming bats. An alcoholic ginger beer was not happy. I once met a girl who mistook Soldier Ky Jelly for super glue. I asked her how it happened, but unfortunately her lips were sealed. Thank you and subscribe. Where are you going? I had a nightmare on the trip here. and luckily that woke me up just before I hit a little kid the other day, I lost control on a roundabout and then he went completely crazy on the swings, I stopped at a place where there was a sign that said no littering, now I was just having a little bit I joined a breakdown service for scousers it's called aaa calm down calm down they can't fix your car now we'll buy you a new one the paralympic games taught us all that sometimes we have to stop and put ourselves in the shoes of people with disabilities and I have to say those parking spaces are great in the car on the way here.

I kept hearing this annoying whining noise so I pulled over, my girlfriend came out to take a look at the engine and I left the other night. I saw a couple knitting all over the street. I told her honestly, "Get a loom. I accidentally filled the escort with diesel. She died. The issue is the nationalities where you go. My next-door neighbor is very loud and unpleasant. Now I know how Canada feels. I bought some lamb. chops on the packet it said raised in Wales I thought it was just a racist stereotype this morning I made a Belgian waffle in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk nonsense in Scotland forbidden fruit is fruit when England played Poland at Wembley there were 30,000 Polish fans among the crowd and I thought it would be fair to play with them if I had built it.

I also don't like to annoy my Israeli roommate by giving them any post that is addressed only to the occupant an Italian zoo with a friend. my christian, so i thought when i was in rome and i pushed him towards the lions, nan was going to that suicide clinic in switzerland, but don't tell him it's a surprise that a zulu killed my grandfather and that he was having a snake fight whip and the roof collapsed well done there you go the topic is childhood I didn't know what to get my niece for Christmas so I asked my sister what she likes and apparently right now she's mad about frozen things , so I bought an oven. chips and peas every christmas day we always had pigs wrapped in blankets or as you probably call them relatives sleeping in the guest room winnie the pooh possibly the most vengeful chapter in nelson mandela's autobiography was only after i shot him By the fifth zombie I started wondering why everyone was carrying bags of candy and ringing the doorbell.

I've been trying to recapture my lost youth. I really must fix the basement door once, when I was a kid, I bought a chocolate bar inside the wrapper, he said. You are a loser. I wouldn't care if there had been some kind of competition to make things worse. It was a boost as a family. We couldn't decide whether to bury or cremate Nana, so in the end we left her. Live, my 13 year old cousins ​​already started taking heroin. It's amazing, isn't it? They inject so quickly these days. Well, the issue is health. Where are you going.

I am much more athletic than I might think. In fact, I found a small drawback. the other day at the gym, i mean, it's pronounced nigel. I had a very stressful trip to get here today. This trucker was right up my ass, but he was very nice of him to give me a ride. I spent most of the afternoon hanging out at The Swimming Baths and then someone told me and I got back into it. I gained a lot of weight recently, so I called theweight watchers. I told them it's an emergency. Can you send someone? and they said yes, we can, we have a lot of those.

My grief counselor recently died, but luckily he was so good that I didn't care. I accidentally kicked the dog before. He bit me in the balls. My partner said it's karma. I told him no, if anything, he's even angrier. I asked the vet what I can do. I think my dog ​​is racist, he keeps barking at the Asian man next door and the vet said Muslim. I told him I don't know, but he has to be there. I went to see my grandmother. I told him what you've been doing. She said. grass in the garden I said, well at least you didn't.

I was in the garden with my girlfriend earlier and we saw the 18 year old girl next door, all asleep, ready to party and my girlfriend said, you know what? at that age I could really see myself in her, which was weird because I was thinking the exact same thing, thank you very much, okay, the thing is work, I almost lost my job as a roofer when I got caught masturbating on the first day, yeah, luckily my boss. I said I could wipe the board clean, I used to work at Waterstones, one day a guy came over to ask if we had any audiobooks with subtitles, I thought, wait, that's a book.

The circus near me held a contest to find the

best

scientific contortionist and I won at my old job. I used to press buttons all day and that's why I'm not allowed to work at Panto anymore. I have two lawyers working for me right now, one is pro bono and the other thinks he's a show-off when they caught my grandfather trying to do it. A stowaway in the merchant navy offered to work on his passage, which as you can imagine made him very popular. I hate people who call me just to complain about the weather, that's why I lost my job in mountain rescue.

I was at a station. There was a piano on the platform the other day, so I made a little tinkle on it, which saved me 30p. I went to a positive thinking course. I bought an advent calendar from Microsoft. You opened too many windows at once and they all closed again. for no damn reason the topic is technology, okay where are you going, the young couple next door recently made a sex tape, I mean, they obviously don't know this, but the hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows into the other side of the lake.

The guy next to me at work used to watch porn all day. I'm glad he didn't rub off on me. I think if I tried revenge porn I would just post naked pictures of myself online for everyone to see. I know how low my ex's standards were when answering the safety question birthplace apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer it's been a rough week I bought a memory foam mattress and now he's trying to blackmail me I currently have a stalker but you probably I can't tell in these pants that a friend of mine was murdered by the big c he was passing by curry's and the sign fell on his head I was watching TV and the announcer said there's a documentary about the clitoris on the red button but I I couldn't find it and the topic is relationships the other day a woman described me as a bit attractive, well voyeur was the actual job she used.

She used to date a skydiver with ibs but she shit on me in a cool way. Once at home I was about to have a threesome with my girlfriend and my

best

friend and the only thing that stopped it from happening was that they didn't invite me. My girlfriend said that she wanted to try some new condoms with something special inside them to increase her pleasure. Oh, what's that she said other men? Our fourth child was named Ivy and that's because we ran out of names and started using Roman numerals. My last girlfriend was always trying to put me down, which is just one of the dangers of dating a vet.

I tried to read a book about premature ejaculation but couldn't get past the opening passage. This Christmas I'm taking the whole family to Lapland, which is great because normally those clubs don't let kids in. I always worry when a woman sees me naked. for the first time she will just scream and run out of the park. My girlfriend and I love looking at boxes. We got three episodes of Orange is the New Black before we found out it wasn't about what would happen if Trump replaced Obama and the issue. it's health

gary

the area in a nando between the front and back door is called the perineum i like to judge my weight by my bmi as long as i weigh less than a small plane when i write a story about losing virginity it's important to always put it in first person when people die and head towards the light what they don't realize is that they have already been reincarnated into a moth.

I can count the number of chainsaw accidents I've had on one hand. You always catch my attention, short people with umbrellas, the other day I was vacuuming in my pants and I thought how my balls get so full. I've been catering to Players Anonymous for three years, while my best friend, Dave, just stuck around. he was out for two and a half so I won that one. I like to think I'm a bit like Superman, for example the other day I switched in a phone booth from a man who really needs a Wii to a man who's just urinated.

I called in sick the other day, just one of the perks of working at the hospital the other day, my friends and I had great makeup sex when I said she was out of her mind and I stuck lipstick on her eyes. she. I don't like to eat. anything labeled as reformed ham, as I think it's unfair that pigs are slaughtered after they've gotten their lives back on track I had to be towed home last night because Ratty and Moley got so angry every time I saw redheaded people going grey, always I am reminded of the sad plight of our native squirrels.

I went with my grandparents to walk his dog when he left the house. He said, "Don't forget the poop bags." I said, "It's okay, Grandma." My girlfriend loves cats. She has fish breath shit on a tray. and she disappears for days. I tried dolphin swinging once, but I didn't like it because I found that dolphins click and die a lot for no money; They receive a porpoise funeral. The other day I was chewing some monkey nuts and now I'm banned from the zoo doctor Doctor I'm addicted to fucking dogs Have you tried patches? What is a poodle?

I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys masturbate, then I went to watch the crocodiles and I was still masturbating. Hi and thanks for watching, if you like that kind of stuff you can subscribe. There are more videos on my channel, including some things that have never been on TV. Also, I have a big tour coming up at

gary

gallaney.com for dates and alerts on when it's In your area, I have a book called Fundamentalist, if you're into that sort of thing, that's a thousand jokes, none of which will be in the next tour and there is also a free download of my first tour and then my second tour. like a 50 minute ad-free download that's available to people who are on my mailing list that you can join at garygallaney.com, that's it.