Your Wife Is More Complicated Than You. Rex Havens - Full Special

All a man knows is that when you have a flat you need a pump. All studies say that men and women are equally intelligent. I believe that, but I do believe that you women must have figured out a way to use

your

brain

more

because I know. That my

wife

's life is

more

complicated

than mine, I know that she has to make more decisions, just getting dressed in the morning and then I have to face the whole day. Women's lives are that

complicated

. I discovered this the first time I went shopping with my new

wife

for women's shoes it was a scary day I hope I never have to do it again but I learned a lot I learned for example that women don't only have shoes men only have shoes so they are all called shoes if it goes to the end of my leg on my foot that is a shoe lift the heel lower the heel change the heel it doesn't matter it's still a shoe it's still a shoe who is always a shoe women don't have just one pair of something called shoes they have subcategories for even the slightest change in footwear, women have pumps and clogs and flats and slings and heels and open-toed Emile's and spikes and flip-flops and strappy sandals and hair boots and stilettos and wedges and tea straps and whatever an espadrille is.

Men don't know what these are. This is a code that women used to keep us out of the conversation. The man does not know a bomb from a floor. All a man knows is that when you have a flat you need a pump. the colors that women know how you learn them all, but do you know? Do you know all the colors ever invented? How about all the women here know what color periwinkle is? Yeah, look at it, they go, duh, there ain't no three men in the state, you know what? The color periwinkle is because we are men and all we know is the eight colors from the big box of first grade crayons, that's all we know, we've lost six of them, they're down to black and brown, we get it , but you women know that the periwinkle screams.

Find out what color the family is, it's blue-purple and it's hard to tell because it's in the middle and the men look at you like, how did she know that? How did they know how they wrinkle? How did she know that they covered a lot of things from that meeting my wife's shoe catalog colors I had never heard of before Aspen mauve raw taupe sea breeze eggshell crimson indigo khaki beige honeysuckle ivory lavender sandstone Heather miss Steele linen satin coral nugget cream pearl saddle Daisy peponi charcoal black Raven midnight parsley prism and pineapple periwinkle papaya peach purple pink poppy mixing pewter powder Peapod NZ pumpkin fuse pomegranate mint pancake pumpernickel champagne and toast on the other hand many black and brown shoes unfortunately for men one option too many because we have to turn to the wife and say honey, which one should I choose?

Which one should she wear tonight? Help me get out. Come on, this will break my brain. Same with makeup, guys. Do you understand how complicated a woman's life is because of the existence of makeup. Did you know that there are over 4,000 different makeup products in a Walmart alone? men have to make up choices in this life shave, don't shave and women envy they wish their lives could be that simple, they wish they could get out of bed like a man does on a lazy Saturday morning, just look at

your

self in the mirror and Wow, damn, I look great, let's get out of here, come on, come on, but most women can't do that.

Most men need to have a little understanding. Most women have to get up in the morning. They have to face the mirror. they start mixing chemicals and there are a lot of them so they need to know what they are doing because they have eyeliner lip liner eyebrow liner lip liner bus routes foundation oily creams not just creams cold cream wrinkle cream wrinkle cream face hand cream foot cream day cream cream night cream cream rinse mascara lip shadow lip gloss lipstick women actually have moisturizer and dehydrator I'm not going to use moisturizer or dehydrator apparently part of the body is a desert and the other part is a swamp, so it takes a serious land management effort to keep it all in balance women's clothing sizes are so complicated that men can't even keep track of men's clothing sizes it's so easy you can explain it in a minute men's clothing sizes are all based on inches so if I go to a men's store and say I'd like to buy a sports jacket they say what size you are they say I don't know there are one chest size, I'm 44 inches and they'll go, so you're a size 44, wow, that's a strange coincidence, isn't it?

That's the system 44 inches size 44 pants 36 inches around the waist size 36 shirt 16 35 16 inches around the neck 35 inches under the sleeve and we were done fine in less than a minute, on the other hand, what size? Does your wife use? I don't know 10 or 11 or 30 or mm or summer fall junior lady. little sighs I don't know 9 or 10 I think 10 I think I heard 10 once so I'll have to go with 10, okay, ten I don't know, but there's ten in that dress somewhere I don't know. I don't know what they are, but you turn that dress inside out and you'll find ten of those little things in there, somewhere it must be like ten women per meter or something like ten good-sounding fems per meter.

I think that's what ten pieces of a lady are, ten units of a woman. I don't know what it is, but all I know is that the little woman is small too, so I guess it's five times bigger than that. I guess I don't know. That's all. It wouldn't be right, but it would be logical. The only reason I said that was because I found them asking that many men think A2 is the smallest size. There are many men who don't know that below. There's a size one and what you really don't know is close your eyes, one, there's a zero, look at the man you're with and watch his face fly just look at that, there are gentlemen, there's a size zero, a size zero for men.

They're thinking about his pants, that would be a skinny guy right there, that wouldn't be any waste, zero, it's not a waste, how do you make that zero? It is some women's dream to be able to walk into a clothing store and say hello. I would like to see something in nothing. I'm not... I'm not a one. I am a nun. I'm just too small for positive numbers and in your perfect world you would try on a zero and it's baggy, but there is a size for that because less than zero is double zero double zero gentleman is less than zero there is zero and then take double that many guys you don't know so I'm going to explain the difference between a zero and a double zero A zero A two carats last week a double zero looks down on the undisciplined pig who ate the carrot last week double zero hasn't eaten since the first Bush administration so it's a pleasure to be here my name is Rex Nevins I'm from Dallas, Texas and hello Provo, how are you?

Oh yeah, okay, first things first, let's take care of this. I know I don't look like a comedian, I look like someone the police are looking for, tell me no, the police are looking for. For these men I understand that I do scare little children I'm glad you're here I tell you what I'm glad you decided to go out for a night of laughter I'm always grateful when people decide that I think if you have a good sense of humor it helps if Your mom or dad was crazy, bye, cheers, how many of you grew up in a house where mom was crazy, how about that, what if dad was crazy, dad was okay, how about they both should have been? save what about them? my house was mom I loved her to death but she said some of the dumbest things things she had never heard before since where did this come from? spitting image of him there, oh it's hard, has anyone ever walked up to someone and said you know you look a lot like bill, you're the spitting image and she was always working like a dog, mom was always working like a dog, I've been working like a dog, I never knew where that came from.

Someone here has a dog that is a workaholic. Do I have the only lazy dog ​​left in the United States? If I have the only dog ​​whose work schedule says sleep 23 hours, wake each puppy, bark and repeat. my dog ​​is so lazy he has worked in a system where he poops anywhere on the art he wants and i pick him up and call myself master let me ask you something if you saw two people walking down the street one of them picked up a poop In the other he picked it up. Which one would you say is the teacher?

I'm not a teacher. Mom said those things all the time. Here's one your mom probably told you too. Aren't you getting stubborn? You're no better than anyone, really mom, no one, no one, have you read the newspaper? There are a lot of bastards out there, throw me a bone. I don't have to be better than everyone, but I'm pretty sure I'm better than someone. I can think of a whole set of reindeer worth less people. I hope I'm better than Hitler and Stalin and OJ Simpson and Gacy and Bundy and Dahmer and Nixon huh? What about that?

But here's the one that always put me on edge. You've heard this before: if everyone jumped off the bridge, would you jump? Oh, gee, no, it's everyone, everyone, mom, it's a lot of people, it's everyone we know and everyone who knows, but hey, let's continue with your thinking, it always seems to me. If everyone jumped off the bridge eventually it wouldn't even be that big of a fall, you know? They keep jumping. You know, three, four days, eight, ten million people jump, you can just get off that bridge, come on, you can jump, jump again. Again, if you want to spend an afternoon with this, you know I wouldn't be the first to take me for a fool, although you can't travel on airlines, where they tell you that in the event of a water landing, the seat can be used. as a parking device next time they do it, stand up, tell me, sorry, lady, with respect, but if this thing crashes in the water, let's be honest, most of these passengers will be a flotation device.

I'm entitled to the fat guy in row 7, the flagpole on his butt and a blanket are for sale and eight of us are heading to the coast. Thank you so much. I know it's not nice, but I think it's what MacGyver wants me to do, so you know, I have to survive somehow, but the worst is when I sit down. the exit row and they asked me if he would be willing to help with the door in case of an emergency and I know what I mean, what I mean is sorry, miss, let me understand, we have an 80 million dollar plane.

We have a flight crew with 10,000 hours of professional training, but apparently a very important part if your passenger security program is me, fear not, this is your lucky day because it turns out that I always do things that I have never, ever, ever done. done in my life. done before perfectly on the first try, don't worry about whether I'll go left when I should go right or push when I should pull or jam that thing hopelessly there on its side. I always perform perfectly the first time and I'm e

special

ly good under the pressure of 200 burning passengers behind me screaming after a second thought, we could do a refresher, yeah that would be a great idea.

Things you wish you understood. How come I don't get credit for my good behavior? Because you do not understand it? credit for good behavior how come the only people who get credit for good behavior are people in prison for bad behavior? That's how it works, if you shoot someone, we lock you up and as a society we start immediately tracking your good behavior. In fact, it will be someone's job to meticulously keep track of your good behavior three years later, if you haven't shot anyone else, we'll say good for you, that was awesome. I don't know how you did it, you're the model. of self control we are impressed keep up the good work in the meantime I haven't hurt anyone and you haven't hurt anyone and we don't get any credit.

I think everyone should get credit for good behavior. I think for every 10 years of good behavior you should be. I'm allowed to slap a stupid person. I felt the beginning of a movement here tonight and I think many of you have already mentally selected the person. I think we would be a lot nicer to each other if there was a chance that the person we were talking to. He was celebrating his 10th anniversary that day and don't you think? I've been to Utah many times and when I come here I always feel a little intimidated because there are a lot of people here very interested in fitness and I always seem to run.

I seem to meet a guy who seems to be in shape. He seems to be interested in nutrition, fitness, metallurgy and chemistry, and for some reason he is dying to share this information with me. I always meet this guy. Have you ever met this guy? Hello. My name is Lance. I ran the marathon in 2 hours and 20 minutes. I have a pulse of 38.1% body fat. Cholesterol too low to measure life expectancy of 167. How are you? This is my running suit. It is made of gore-tex with a lining. that's really a simulated side and my shoes were born with strontium reinforced with microfiber laces fromwill be consulted.

Presumably they are delighted that someone wants it in the first place, to have it, of course. you can have it we've been waiting for years get rid of it get rid of it I don't want to upset any man by saying this but if I could push the button and be a woman for a year I would Just because I would love to understand the level of friendship two girlfriends have with each other Yeah. I think generally that it is greater and deeper than any two men could understand. I only say this because I have seen one woman ask another. woman to be at her and her friends' wedding, if you have never seen this, you have never seen, there is nothing like it, the magical moment when a woman looks deeply into the eyes of work and her friend gets wet .

I'm a writer about who in the "My healthy mind wouldn't want to participate in that, by definition it's celebrating, celebrating is fun, everyone enjoys celebrating, it must be great to have another reason to run, jump, kiss and hug for the honor of spending five hundred dollars on the ugliest dress you can." You've never seen three or four bridal shower gifts in your entire life. This wedding will cost each of these women a thousand dollars, but they don't care because you're Alyssa and they don't love you the same because Tyler Tyler comes to work on Monday and he hates it.

Fred, I hate to do this, I hate to do this, but I have 11 spots to fill and no, they had a meeting, that's all. I know they had a meeting. I just got the news that it's 11:00 and I just did the paperwork and it turns out you're my eleventh best friend. I'm Tyler from accounting. I thought you recognized me when I did, but we played softball that time seven years ago and you're 11 anyway, we're getting married in October and I need you to stick up for me, that's 90 bucks, man, tuxedo rental is a killer, Don't you have a paperboy or a cousin, someone from grade school?

Oh, all I know about your Tyler is that you have an honest face and you have a good face and I think you want to be a good husband, so I'm going to give you seven things a husband needs to learn to say from time to time, no. all the time, don't be a pushover, but if I want someone to be with you through thick and thin for 40 50 60 years there are things you should say there are seven things women should learn to say too, but tonight we're going Let's talk about the seven men should learn to say You're going to make mistakes sometimes You're going to need to fix damaged women If there's any truth to any of this Support me so poor Tyler learns right Are you ready number one, honey ?

Oh, gosh, you were right, I was wrong, number two. I'm sorry and that won't happen again number three, how could I be so stupid before? I don't deserve you darling number five, I would marry you again number six, no, you are much prettier than her, remember seven, not in any case. the dress makes your hips look too small you should eat something baby you're about to blow it I don't even know I don't know how your pants stay up Tyler I learned that last one the hard way I love my wife. Sara to death, I honestly have no idea why a woman of such quality would stay with me for ten minutes.

I'll keep her as long as she's wrong enough to stay, but I came home one day and she ambushed me with the question and I didn't do it. You have time for what's the word for that thing and she said, will you still love me when I'm fat and sassy? and I said: you're not thinking of getting bold with me. Do you agree? Bad answer, bad answer, but I hope you listen. to yourself about that I hope you hear your response about that you can learn a lot about men and women by how you react to that joke let's be honest that was a men's joke it was a men's joke but as I looked around there were only two men in the room I Dumb enough to laugh out loud at that joke, even the men were saying, oh, that was suicide, man, that was absolute suicide, what does it matter with you and all the Boeing? and the disapproval came from the women and I just want to say from my heart that I love them because they feel good about themselves because it makes them better than most men.

They cared about my wife and never even met her, but they didn't care. They feel that. Your sister had been hurt and you guys surrounded the cars and said, "Kill him, take him out behind the shed," feel good about yourselves because that elevates you, makes you better than most men who cared about another woman they had never seen before. acquaintance. a man cares about another man he's never met, you usually have to see the horrible things we do to our best friends, men do horrible things to our best friends, drawing things on them and magic markers and stuff, hitting them fruits in the face and just doing all kinds of horrible things to her friends in the name of love I love you friend we do horrible things to each other women would never do it to their friends you were worried Sarah don't worry about her she is a very strong woman very strong she can take care of herself George tells everyone that a long time ago, when he first agreed to marry me, he suddenly looked down and realized his hands were skinned because that's what happens when you scrape the bottom of the barrel you've been so Awesome, we're going to have to end here real soon, but I can't thank you enough for the kindness of your wonderful laugh and before we go, real quick, what have I learned in my fools trips around the Sun? men and women, well there are a number of studies that say we are motivated by different things, they say that on average men are motivated by practicality and efficiency and we certainly hear that criticism all the time that the only thing that matters for you it is something that is practical and efficient, well in many homes it is our job to get things done so yes I think we gravitate towards practical things that help us get the job done and then we are really concerned about that and give we have more free time that is a good thing but they also say that women appreciate practicality but a little higher for many women are things of beauty things that lift the spirit things that feed the soul that is the only distinction I have been able to make Can you think of explaining why possibly today there are still stories of candles.

There isn't a single man here who understands why there are still candle shops. Why can you still buy a single candle? They have been surpassed. There are better inventions to do those modern things. a light bulb has the light of a thousand candles a modern oven has the heat of a million candles to a man's mind with efficiency like that available why would you want one at a time? But women have patiently explained to me many times that they value the beauty of the aroma the atmosphere the aura some say even the soul of a single lit candle and that is why candle shops still exist and that is my wife's place in the mall my place is the bench outside the mall where i sit with all the other men sitting there like a dog that has been left in the kennel looking at the horizon waiting for my owner to return she told me to sit here she told me to sit here sat here and said she'll be back and she'll be back real soon and we'll get ice cream, we should come back, I know she will so I think maybe there's something to that.

I think maybe there's something to the notion that men are driven by efficiency and women are driven by beauty and you're not. I have to look further to see these two competing ideas living side by side, so your standard everyday bath towel, this is a bath towel and it's also men and women living together because it has a part masculine and a feminine part, the masculine part obviously. It is a part of the towel because it is efficient it is thirsty it is absorbent it sucks the water and you can dry yourself with that part of the towel and that lady dries itself is what that fool in your life thought we bought the towel for but for some reason, there is this part, the silly part, the silly part, you have to admit it ladies, even no matter how pretty it is, this is useless for the purpose of a towel because this little decorative strip is hard, it's flat, it's matted, but most of all And the worst of all is that it repels water.

This is part of a towel. This is 20% of a towel and repels water. You like this towel placed on a table or pour water on it. It will hit this part of the towel if the entire towel was made of this it would not be a towel it would be a placemat you like to dry yourself with a stiff placemat and far from being innocent this part can hurt you can skin yourself with this part of the towel so gentlemen Next time you're drying yourself with the family bedding on this nasty, horrible piece of sandpaper it snags you in a sensitive area try to think of it as a friendly little greeting from your wife offered in the name of art and for for the sake of beauty, gentlemen, we If we wanted, we could try to mount a campaign and get rid of the decorative towel strip.

We could use logic and reason under the lives of women and try to rid the world of this horrible little demon. I fought hard with the women in my life when I was incredibly young I was naive I was idealistic but above all I was fatally young I was a young man once it didn't work out but I fought hard with the women in my life I fought hard at least with my own wife I thought so , but in the end I had to admit that I rarely convinced her of my way of thinking. She is a formidable opponent as are most of her in her brotherhood, so she would tell you gentlemen that only women are the reason for many many.

There are good things in the world and she would ask you to find it in your heart to appreciate and even love what women bring to the table. For women, they are the reason for size zero periwinkle and seafoam heels, clogs, flats and slings and candle shops. and decorative bedding and women are the reason for a million other things, major and minor, but we must all admit that they add texture, interest, beauty, mystery and yes, even magic to the fabric of life, so, gentlemen, when you are tempted to take these women and challenge the feminine influences in the world by all means, do what is in your heart, but my advice use your head, save a lot of time, literally add years to your life and approximately nine times out of ten be a very wise man. towel I know you wanted I don't, men won't and it's not in the nature of many of us to give up as long as we fight this fight with humor and a Spartan with a twinkle in our eyes and we do it when we're in the good spirit sportsmanship and good mutual feelings, always with respect, then keep fighting.

I'll tell you this Tyler, it's all about communication with my wife and I, sometimes that can be based on what she says, other times I need to read between the lines recently. I was in the kitchen and Sara came up behind me and grabbed me by the seat of my pants and I thought it had to be something good, turns out she was just drying her hands, folks, when is the best time to laugh? Whenever you can, God. blessings thank you very much thank you very much