Whitney Cummings Breaks Down Codependency | Pretty Big Deal with Ashley Graham

you make more money as a company. If you let your employees freeze their eggs and you organize that time off because that's what no one told me about egg freezing, it takes relatively time, you know you have to go and have those ultrasounds every other day to see your I know everything correctly I don't know the terms you have for carrying your injection with you, it's funny, yeah, you know, it just feels a little rude to be like you're stabbing yourself in the stomach all the time and then you have to do it. go get them removed, so for me it was like a three to four month process and I remember being in the car crying, just being like Sheryl Sandberg told me to support myself, you know, because biology is sexist and you, but you too.

I'm a big fan of the brain. I think it was a shame that they didn't teach us the way our brain works, the chemicals and neurochemicals we emit, because when women emit certain neural chemicals they are called crazy, psychopaths and demented, and women are ashamed. and they understand that that means they failed in some way or they're crazy and they internalize that narrative and I just made a movie about neurology because I really wanted to show women and men how they could go, oh, I'm not. crazy I'm just giving off adrenaline and cortisol the female brain yeah and this is a bubbly fighter the name on her face yeah the female brain a brain and I wrote it with Neal Brennan co-creator Chappelle show brilliant comedian so cool he's very balanced It's not like a women's film.

I have men come up to me on the street and tell me that this movie saved my marriage because now I understand that when my wife gets scared, she has adrenaline and she's producing cortisol and I say, you know, we'll talk in three days. cortisol has worn off Wow and I'm developing a vocabulary for our neurochemicals. I think it's a shame we don't learn that you're saving marriages and relationships, whatever that may be. I've broken up with a partner yeah I just get very defensive when women are called crazy or insane or psychopaths or any kind of sensitive micromanagement I think it's very important to learn the evolution of the brain epigenetics epigenetic printing yes I know can you talk to me about itself, epigenetic imprinting is very important, let's say I like it?

Like, tell me boy, it's about how the chemicals that the mother releases while the fetus is in the womb, the fetus gets addicted to those chemicals, okay, so give me an example, so when I was a teenager I I was constantly drawn to, you know, dramatic situations, dramatic relationships. all the playground gossip and then when I was 20, I'm dating, you know, really unavailable people, people who call because they give me adrenaline, they cheat on me, whatever and then I started learning about epigenetic imprinting, which is when the mother's neurochemicals are released in the womb, the child is born addicted to those chemicals, so I was born addicted to cortisol and adrenaline.

My mother was in a really bad marriage when I was conceived, so I most likely came out of the womb like this. Whatever the mother is addicted to goes inside. the neurochemicals in the brain and that freed me from being okay, what is nature and what is nurture, some of these things that I can, that are my part, I need to go to therapy, I need to fix that, but I also have this, honestly, this adrenaline addiction because adrenaline turns into dopamine it's like a drug drama it's like a drug and I got addicted to it in my mother's womb and it's not my fault and now I can hack my brain to change my tolerance to the adrenaline, so okay, two questions, yes ma'am. you blame your mother and how you handle it I don't believe my mother I have nothing but compassion for my mother who says it's beautiful not just compassionate such that it makes me feel a little better sorry reckless because that generation didn't do it I know I don't they had the tools and that this science wasn't even available back then, you know, and the fact that she stayed in a chaotic relationship to try to keep things serene with her children and try to protect them

breaks

my heart. you know everything because it's just a reminder that when we take care of ourselves we're actually taking care of everyone else, you know, her instinct was to take care of the kids, she had to stay in this chaotic relationship and then the tragic irony is that that In In reality, sometimes it's harder to know how to

deal

with all of these problems now.

I mean, I did it after learning about neurology because my parents also had strokes and I had to talk to neurologists all day, every day, to understand what happened. I also have a lot of addiction in my family and when you are struggling you know people you love who are suffering from addiction, learning about neurology and how addiction works is the only thing that will stop your heart from breaking every day so I had this type of course intensive on how to hack your brain, so I worked very hard to stay away from dramatic situations to reduce my adrenaline cortisol levels.

I try to stay away from Instagram. I try to stay away from gossip sites. I was gonna say. like Instagram, I mean, it will chase sanity. I send you to doubt your self-esteem. Do you know who this person is? Yes, yes, I need someone to manage your social media for you. Do good to someone. I subcontract it to someone else. It is a form of self-care. I put my phone in grayscale, which makes it black and white because a lot of what's so addictive is color. Oh, I know, I didn't even know you were this tan.

Oh, Coco, spray tan, oh no. right, I need Jimmy Coco. I know and I just have to accept it. You look so healthy and you seem to sleep well. No, I'm not sleeping. Is it difficult to sleep with it? Yes, you have pillows like for the body, yes, oh my goodness. Husband, he says you are of no use to me anymore. I'm like okay. I'm terrified of being pregnant. I know I learned epigenetics. Okay, I'm terrified because I don't think anyone can trust me when I'm pregnant, but. That's important not to be stressed because it's like you said, go with the baby and like people have told me, don't be in stressful situations, but I exercise, I try to eat well, like I'm following my cravings.

The cravings have been really healthy which is a blessing and I'm just trying to work and stay focused yeah and I also like getting information about my baby but I'm trying to stay away from the fear because this has been happening like this. how we got here thousands of years ago and so it will still be necessary to do this without doctors exactly how and now in the war the documentary that Ricki Lake did the business of being born you have to see it OMG it's so good I read Naomi's book Wolf about forced C-sections and stuff and I almost had a heart attack.

It's really ridiculous how C-sections are a business, yeah, unless I mean there are times when you have them, but it's a business, right? You're not afraid of this, so after watching the documentary now I just want to have a home birth, I want to be able to stand up, squat down and push my baby out, take him off of me and put him right on top of me. chest the way it works yeah you push your head out and then when the shoulders come out they say okay go down and take your baby out and then you're like you're squatting you take it out and it's like you're glad that both are alive.

I'm serious, first, no one kisses their babies and their lips stick to their faces like the Christmas story, like the tongue and the other telephone pole, well, not that glued, but we could. It will probably go on forever, but it's wonderful to see and I think visibility for women who are pregnant while working is very important because I still have it in my head that you have to stop for a year, no, that's it. an old story that I have in my head I had it too I had it too and I thought you have to have a baby in a hospital you have to have it all those things now I'm working until this due date and then I'm going to take about eight weeks break something like this, we're just going to go from there, yeah, I'm going to have the baby on my boob, we're just going to continue, yeah, yeah, this is very exciting, inspired, I mean, I just think.

I like the pregnant woman, I can barely carry a bag, you'll be fine, okay, I want to talk about your book, I'm fine, and other stories or other lies, yes, other laws, there are so many lies, a lot of litany of life, but I like it like you.' I'm very open about

codependency

, thank you. and I feel like my readers, my readers, I feel like my viewers and listeners AudioBox, most people understand the audio, but I feel like they can really learn something from your experiences of

codependency

, you know, I've been very public about it. because I think it's this epidemic that's everywhere but it's hard to pinpoint and you know, it's part of the narrative of "I'm crazy, I'm a psychopath, you know, and a lot of people who are codependent are the kind of people to the ones who wouldn't think about themselves because we are the kind of complacent people who only think about others rescuing martyrdom if you explain some examples are safe so we say what exactly is Charl definition of codependency, the definition I work with and which I didn't make up, but it's the inability to tolerate the discomfort of others.

Yes, a lot of people think codependency is like couples who can't stop dating, that could be it. but that's a litany of other things too, but If you obsess over another person's perception of you, if you find yourself thinking that you know you need to take care of other people's feelings, if you have a hard time saying no, if you find yourself being a control addict you always need to control a situation if you feel Embarrassed by other people's behavior You believe you need to take care of everyone and

deal

with their consequences, not the consequences of others If you find yourself in relationships or friendships that don't really make you feel good but you feel like you have to stay in them codependents you use words like we have to go to this thing I have to give him a gift I have to go to this party we do many things out of obligation because You worry about losing the approval of others or not being loved if we don't go, we put the needs of others before ours, so when did you discover you had codependency?

I became a boss for the first time and found out that I was hiring all my friends even though none of them were qualified and I was trying to help you. I know yes, I want to give everyone a job and there is something to be said for that. You know, I can still do that in the heart of the targets that we're loyal to, but now, ultimately, that doesn't end up being the kindest thing because it explodes and becomes a big mess and that person doesn't. I don't learn about income and consequences and what have you, so I've learned that we take care of everyone when we take care of ourselves and that we don't bring our personal feelings to work and don't do things. out of guilt or obligation and we don't confuse love with pity, sometimes we do things out of pity instead of mutual respect or we combine love and pity and kindness is not always right and being kind is not always being kind so here you're, you're a boss, so when we do something good and we hire someone that you know shouldn't necessarily have the job and then we resent them all the time because they're not doing it well and then everyone else.

The staff has to clean up the mess that isn't really their type and is making a big mess because you want to be liked or you want to do something good, so it was tricky. I found myself unable to fire people. I found myself unable to give honest feedback because I was too worried about making someone feel bad or feel rejected and I went to rehab for a family therapy group and brought a giant thing of protein bars, clothes and cash to help the person. My life was in rehab and they were like no, what are you doing?

You're trying to fix addiction with protein bars. Get out of here. Can. Know? I found myself so desperate to fix someone else and rescue someone else that I wasn't actually doing the right thing for the person, so you know, we walk around all day trying to help people as a way out of our own feelings. . Something I heard at the beginning of a 12-step program was people pleasing as a way of praying because sometimes it's selfish because it's not really what the person needs, what you need that the person might need if you find yourself in You're in the middle of someone's relationship drama all the time and you hear about that person every night over and over again. but maybe they needed to stop talking about it and they needed you to really set a boundary, you know, or say no, so I found myself allowing a lot of people with addictions and personality disorders and I went to my first 12 step. -The anonymous meeting was a total change.

I'm changing. Wow, because I found out that you know, while alcoholics can be addicted to alcohol, codependents are addicted to people who are messes, so what do these shows look like? These programs are basically free therapy. I see so many famous peopledoll, right? No, I don't want men who have broken up with women outside bars or underneath. I'm a big fan, I think it works for them, it's like Scientology keeps them in a building, keep them in a building and you know, I think comedians' job is to play devil's advocate sometimes and say it's okay. , everyone is against this.

I'm going to challenge myself to find all the positives. You did a good job. With that, thank you and I don't entirely believe that sex robots are going to fix everything. I thought it was kind of an interesting joke solution until we figured out the sexual harassment thing as a stopgap, in the same way we'd use it as crash test dummies or something to keep real women from getting hurt. jokes I was into, but I found that the fear of robots felt largely masculine in terms of whether they're the movies we've seen a rover, but you know, a lot of my friends, the robots are going to kill us and the robots are going to be stronger than us, well women are always dealing with it, like something stronger than us that could eventually kill us, that's like every guy we've dated, that's how it is It's the first time you guys have had something that could kill them, that's right, you know, so I thought the robots could protect us from you as soon as it gets light.

Yes, I would like to have a big scary robot in every parking structure at 2:00 tomorrow when I walk to my car and you know people say well Robots will replace human women. Well, every woman I know would love to have a double. I know I love that part of your special year as well, because you are expected to be everything and anything and of course I love someone. at home cooking cooking clean yes please sign me up I don't do it anyway yes we don't I'm almost the perfect woman I just don't cook the perfect woman knows her limitations hey okay I want to talk about cousin you like to talk and you're very open it's so open really like an open box I love your breasts out there no I know that's incredibly weak it melts so much you talk about failure in a really cool way I think this The next generation really needs to understand why you had five specials you had to Whitney, you had two Broke Girls and you came to this place.

I felt amazing, but I want to know how you got there because it couldn't have been easy. and I want to know, you know, and I think it's taken me a long time to realize that failure is so rare. I mean having a show on the air for six years like it's not like I've never done it. I thought I was going to get something out of this, yeah, I just wanted Big D. I just want to pay my bills properly and be able to tell jokes for drunk people and that's all I wanted. You know, anything else is extra credit bonus points and you know.

I think it was difficult for me when I did a show on NBC that had my name on it. You know, this was before there were a million shows on television that they got. You know, pickup canceled, pickup canceled, it was like having a show. Being publicly canceled was humiliating, but I did a talk show, two sitcoms, how could this be a failure? What are you talking about, but you're talking about failure, yeah, in what sense, in our echo chamber, I felt like a failure because I think in my head it was like this should last eight years and be Seinfeld or something, You know, and shooting for the moon is cool, but if you don't get there, you don't have to go.

I'm a failure, so at that moment I was. Definitely embarrassed and devastated because I thought everyone was talking about how big of a failure I was and when reality is people channel cool, what happened to that? Yes, because I mean discovering all the shows you've done and in talking to my writer (yes, several) I said yes, but she's had so many shows that I just don't understand, but you've been so open about failure, so I really wanted to get to the bottom of it and I think I've also had a lot of shows that never aired, so I had a deal with HBO that I had before a show ever aired.

I've had three pilots that didn't come out and I've been very public about not just talking about my highlights because I think a lot of people could look at someone like you and say she's had this and she has her own podcast and she's on the cover of these magazines and it has all these followers and like we We don't air the things we didn't get, we don't air the auditions that you know we didn't schedule or the TV shows that didn't turn out well because no one wants to cover that and you're not going to get a magazine. covering a pilot who didn't go to Syria, yeah right, so I try to go like you know that failure is part of the learning process and failure is an integral part of success.

I thank God I had three shows that didn't happen. the time I had a program that did work because then I knew how to write, that was all practice, so I don't like to call it failure. I like to help practice, you know, because you don't go to things like that if you're a bodybuilder, when you go to the gym, you don't call those failure days, you call them training days, so Kay, I just like what you call them, that I practice, it's practice, practice, so I had two pilots that didn't go, but they were practices, they were meant to go, thank God, they didn't go.

I like that and I think for you guys, you know younger people who are embarking on this journey, I'm just promising you what you want now. The bad thing is that you didn't get it, you will look back and leave. I think I got it and understood it. I always say that if I didn't get a job, it wasn't mine and it took calling jobs to make him not love me. Through things, I worried, oh my God, my life was over at times, yes, but because I didn't get those jobs, thank God, I didn't get those jobs, they weren't mine, bigger opportunities don't come, I never work and that's what I believe.

It took me a long time to understand that and I see a lot of people who are ruining their careers because they got something too soon and they didn't have the gratitude yet and they hadn't eaten enough yet so when they got it they ruined it boom what's next for Whitney Cummings? I'm starting a podcast called good for you and it's just people coming in talking about things that have been good for them in a fun way, you know, that does a lot of things. comedians come in, it's cool, I'm so excited when women come into a space that men use their confidence to come in and we're like, I don't know if I'm good enough and I have to be. perfect and I don't want to take up space and it was like you know I'm going to take up space Oh take up as much space as you want Whitney Cummings the last thing we do in a

pretty

important business is a little lightning bolt round okay I just need you to answer the question , okay, I feel like this is getting like this, what's the last penny you spent on a podcast studio?

Yes, convert. I built a podcast studio in my house so I could wake up and walk right into I love that you invested and I'm not managing what's the biggest selfie for men I know with friends or with men, whatever you said, that's just a Decisive DJ, oh yeah, okay, you got it, so you. They're obviously a big deal because I only have great offers on my program. Which is a big deal for you. It's a big deal to me when someone does the right thing when no one is looking, oh my gosh, my guests right before you.

He said, but dad, that's plagiarism, oh, that's rich, you should be Fred, who Whitney is aware of taking you to deal with my brain, honey, Cummings is on my podcast, it's okay, everyone at home wants to hear from you, please comment on Instagram and Twitter, be kind, be kind because the person who runs, our social media will come for you, so make sure you watch it and share it.