When To Fear Your Wife. Steve Bruner - Full Special

you'd think he might have emerged as an expert with a rifle. I'm happily married, I like my

wife

, that's great and I love my

wife

, that's even better, better, and I'm afraid of my wife, that's because we were raised, yeah. we were raised completely different we are we are the example of how opposites attract like I was born and raised in California. I have an older brother, only one. My wife was born and raised in Tennessee. She is the youngest girl at 10 years old. Yes, because there are parts of Tennessee. We don't have cable so we've been dating for like 10 months we fell in love we got engaged about a year ago and it's time to meet the whole family and she can meet my family practically at a booth at Denny's practically where It happened but we have to fly out Return to Tennessee.

There are a lot of people who would have their own families, so we flew back and I said, "Hey, what are we going to do?" We'll only be here for three days. How are we going to meet? How many houses there are? One day it's going to be a little awkward just holding hands and then going and giono on Saturday I invited everyone to hunt. I said oh, that's not awkward. I've never been hunting and she says, oh, okay, it's the south. everyone's bringing a guest gun okay so we'll all show we're showing up I mean 38 of his family members Rossa they're all wearing orange because a couple and I have a gun and I'm holding it you know ?

The goal of the business is not to target anyone, you know, because the big goal of the day is not to shoot anyone who's wearing orange, that's my goal anyway and we're in a big meadow and we're going to walk across the meadow toward the forest and I'm going to film things that aren't dressed in orange, they didn't get the note and suddenly,

when

we're about to start, a bunny runs, the guy I'm not going to call him bunny, that's too cute for the story, a rabbit makes the very bad decision to run across a meadow that is

full

of 39 people with guns of which 38 know how to use them and my wife sees him first and walks up and shouts mine and I say: Oh, a hundred meters away away, kill that rabbit. shot dead, yeah right, I'm telling you and if you're going to kill someone, kill them, that's the way to do it and I'm like, oh okay, we've been dating for a year, you'd think I'd be an expert with a rifle.

I could have done it. It came up like

when

I was bragging about being pretty good at ping pong, she might have snuck in. I could shoot a rabbit from a hundred yards with one shot and then I figured it out, so I'm super impressed and that's what she does, you know? the family rule and she leaves now I have to address it and I'm like, oh, and I'm staying with her because I don't know how the teams are going to be divided, but I want to be on her team, if something goes wrong. I'm with her and I'm like, oh hey, I don't know anything about this and let me tell you, dressing a rabbit is not like dressing a Barbie, so she just pulls out this big knife that came out of nowhere.

I'm a little terrified. I know and she starts skinning the rabbit and I say and she looked up, oh honey, I'm sorry, did you mean to keep her paws? They're supposed to bring good luck, here it is, they weren't for the rabbit and he has four of them well that superstition is dead as a rabbit to me so I found out in five minutes that my wife is not only an expert with a rifle but she knows skin a rabbit and tell you this long, long story about how I met my in-laws to

full

y illustrate why I only asked for a key.

Oh, and a good day for comedy, you picked a good one. I must tell you that I don't know if anyone saw that in the newspaper today. Some guy caught a fish they thought was extinct and now they're sure all he had to do is write it down. You have to love that great job as a comedian. I know there are tough jobs out there. I saw a western movie not long ago. Of these things where the cavalry comes to save the day I realized that one of the hardest jobs in the entire world had to be being a bugler in the cavalry, he led every charge on a bet, if there's something you don't want be, he's a loud target he just leads his friends right into the fray playing a Zilla tune did to do did to do what were the words?

Everywhere, believe me, I think it would be a tough job to be an airline pilot, probably every airline pilot, e

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ly the people I flew with, I think it was American Airlines, they had the worst slogan I've ever heard in my life, it's American Airlines, we go further. I don't want to be sitting in the middle of a wheat field somewhere hey, hey, hey, I think the airport is already behind me, sir, GOODBYE MOM. I don't want to complain, but that's a serious hike, baggage claim I'll have to take. Southwest from here to there you better get a frequent mile walker for this totally Laotian thing, yeah it's only like a two hour flight.

I think from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City, it's not really the time that bothers me, what always bothers me is that it doesn't. It doesn't matter what flight you're on, the pilot won't stop talking, nobody cares how high they fly, oh, but ten minutes on every flight you've ever been on, you always hear the same thing, a suit, gentlemen, it's

your

captain Who is speaking, we have reached a cruising altitude of 35,000 feet, who? He doesn't care as long as we are above zero the definition of light is all we really need. I think if he's going to say something, it should by law be exciting.

The most exciting thing you've ever heard from

your

knights is your captain talking. We don't have clearance to take off, but we'll do it anyway or a 747 su DC-10. I think we can take them. Let's get there early for a change. Make it exciting that we have reached a cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. That's not very. exciting make it exciting we've reached a cruising altitude of 12 feet let's scare those kids on that bus wave to them who has a basketball i want to shoot a dunk i shouldn't complain about this fight they went up to first class it was just amazing, i did it, I don't know, maybe you guys fly first class all the time.

No, I filled out a little form and there's a little survey that upgraded me to first class. It's amazing because they call the flight attendants and they call the pilots and then they call first class. You get your seat right away because apparently you need a good chair before the poor man's parade begins. I pay attention and no one else when I'm on a plane because no one says anything once. I'm already on the plane, he will help me in an emergency, like the stewardess. She gives a royal security speech. That will help us. Sorry, if we crash from 35,000 feet, there will be a couple of exits I didn't really count on.

We crashed into the water. I'm using it as a flotation device. I think the first class has the right. I was flying to San Juan, Puerto Rico from Miami. She actually said that part of the security feature of hers said that in case of an unscheduled landing, the password is crashed. in case of an unscheduled landing, please depart in order and I remember thinking: didn't they see us trying to get on the plane? We couldn't get on the plane in the North, we boarded this fool as if it were our last. helicopter in Saigon now you're going to bring death into the equation the best I can do is trample people in an orderly manner while I run away from the burning plane I think what I want I want honesty I just want everything they say Be honest, in case a water evacuation, we suggest that breaststroke people always ask when you are a comedian.

I say what kind of comedy he does and I think my nature is observational, that would be the general picture, but I like Let's say with a know-it-all side, everyone has a different definition, so I'll tell you what mine is. Let's say they worked in a puzzle factory. It could happen that they work in a puzzle factory and they put an extra piece in it. You're a know-it-all, if you take out a piece you're an idiot and I want to thank you for the stand-up events, something weird, standing ovations, something weird at the beginning of the show, a weird kid, actually that's really surprising so I'm .

I'll just tell you that I'm going to work really hard to live up to it because I don't want the introduction to be the highlight that would cause no one here to have that conversation tomorrow. How was the comedy show? Oh, we love him. Oh, at first and I must say how well I have been treated here. I have a fabulous provost, the people who run this put me in a good hotel. I love it because I have stayed. I've stayed in a lot of hotels. People in all hotels. Entering always has a motto something like "like at home", which I don't believe.

I've never been in anyone's house where they bolt the TV to the dresser. What is it that I stayed in a hotel where they screwed the remote control? so, and it wasn't watching tv, that's a know-it-all, my only entertainment all week was annoying the guy in the next room, oh I bet you want to see the end of that, I didn't check, oh yeah , at three, good morning. CNN really very loud only for you if I can't sleep no one can sleep all the hotels are always the same it's always the same you who don't stay in hotels believe me it's all every time you always ask you ask the same questions from the beginning the first question how are you going to pay there are four options just for options the first option is cash second check fee another I don't know what that is but that has never stopped me from going around it and then just swipe it once and each time done about 50 times I have done 50 times this slide I just wait I just wait like I just lit a fuse or something and they just look at it and then they look at me and look that was so bad oh I don't know I was hoping you could tell me that you left it, that it was a option, all I did was circle it, so I thought maybe you could send my invoice to another guy.

The next question always asks how many keys after how I'm going to pay now, let's say how many keys and I'll be honest with you. I'm always flying. I do a red eye as late as possible. It's me. It seems like I've been traveling all day and only say one key every single time, the person behind the desk is a little disappointed, as if he wants to think of something about the strange social life that travels through his father. One key is all I'm saying, except when I was in Las Vegas, you know, Las Vegas people, that's what happens in Las Vegas.

It stays in Las Vegas kind of seedy and I'm playing some place like Hard Rock or some kind of sin center in Sin City and the guys are like the thing, yeah, how many keys, but wait, look around you, you know where are. fantasy land for adults, but anything you can think of we can make it happen how many keys how many keys how many keys how many keys I'm saying let's give it a story, give me 38. I'll just leave it from here to the Luxor in In case I lose, they are like a bread crime.

I will leave myself in this city. No way, I don't want to, no, that's mine, okay, no, I asked for a key because I'm married and then I'm happily married. I love saying yes you can do that, yes I love Italians, she's from the south, you can't take the south away from the girl. I know, you don't want to upset a southern woman. I don't know what women are like here. angry, but yeah, the guy probably knows it's like that, don't do it, don't make him angry, don't do it. I understand that women in the south are totally different because in California, an angry woman in California is known as a divorcee, an angry woman in Tennessee is known as a widow, but that's okay, our marriage is great because we travel, I don't know anything about anyone else , man, I don't know anything about success, I know one that helps me get married, I got married and too. you have love and respect, those are keys and you need to remember a couple of things.

My wife feels the same. Love and respect, and you need to remember some things like she knows my work takes me on the path, she loves and respects me and so does she. Remember that there are pretty women on the street, but that's okay because I love and respect her and I remember that there is a freezer in the basement. We are talking about the hotel. It all started with the hotel and this very nice hotel just down the street. He had this huge, beautiful, huge gym that I had never even entered. I just walked by, it's all glass in case there's a big muscular guy working out in front of him and I wanted to know what and he's right looking in a mirror. in a mirror and I just told him what this mirror did and he had that buffoonish attitude of people who are, but I just said what mirrors have to do with extras, that is, doing the proper form of the exercise that allowed you to lose.

I weigh faster oh well they should put these mirrors on that line at the pizzeria I would do it I'm at the gym I did it I hadn't been to the gym because of a mistake and this gym is beautiful and when I went in to talk to him, I'm out of shape, already You know, exercising has the word work built into it. I did not do it. I haven't worked after that. I got to the door and had to go find myself. That's fine thanks. I appreciate that, so I think that's my best hope. Because getting fit is getting a home gym, something I can do at home and not be too embarrassed when I go to a real gym, something I can do, like a rowing machine.

You know, it's easy when it comes to the engine. I don't want to start with Stairmaster. I want the escalator master to check the pulse. I tried the bike. I didn't like the bikebecause they give you too many options. I don't need toys. I just want to exercise on the bike. Normal professional Hill I chose Hill, who knew he was in Hill. Every hotel you walk into you can buy things, you might have a gift shop and everything I've bought there has been a flop, yeah I think it's really good. The time I bought the last failed gift because I want to remember my wife, sometimes I'm just running to the airport and I forget and I'm like, oh, I'll get her this nice thing that reminds her of the place she hasn't been.

The last dead gift I bought was a candle, which sounds good, she took it there better because when I was giving it I told her, I thought, oh boy, I hope she doesn't think, hey, this is it, I want the air to your surroundings smell better, but she said, oh no, that's nice, she thought I did it and she says Oh, cinnamon, that's very, very nice and the funny thing. About the candle, it comes with instructions. If you need a candle with instructions. I don't want you to have a candle. I want you to have fireworks because that would be a spectacle.

Maybe he's an idiot. Sorry, mmm, these cherries. the bombs look delicious anyway, okay, that's done, that's definitely idiotic, okay, I'll go back to this know-it-all side of the street, but the instructions on the candle were a lot of fun for me because they were in the part bottom of the sail. you would think the first direction would be to use on Beart, but that wasn't the first direction: don't leave the sail unattended. I think they meant the lit candle because otherwise I just bought us a wax well when we go to the movies now I have to call my sister hey would you mind taking care of the candle?

He doesn't like to be left alone, that's what the instructions say and then I think her direction is the other good very wise advice that says don't do it. Stay by the flames, that's good advice. You want to know what best advice. Don't stay by the flames, wait naked. Better advice that is marked and they didn't have it written down. I wrote it there to remind myself that hotels are great. I give them great commercials. Each state has its own commercials. I love being in a different state this week. It's so much fun because, first of all, you guys are geniuses.

There's one thing I saw, I hope you know. Maybe it's new. It's called the Debbie Meyer Green Bag. and what is it, you buy the Debbie Meyer green bag and you have a banana, you put the banana in the Debbie Meyer green bags six months later, that banana is still good. I don't worry about getting old anymore. I'm sleeping in green Debbie Meyer bags, yes, baby. and we should be proud of ourselves, the other ad I saw was pretty amazing. It's called the infinite razor. Apparently we came up with a piece of metal that can be so sharp and durable that they put it on this knife. and the big selling point is that if you buy this razor, you will never have to buy another razor in your entire life.

Get this razor sharp and durable. You buy this razor called Infinity Read, you will never have to buy another one as long as you live and if you place an order. Now we will send you two to each hotel. I think it's a funny oak tree, about the same size. If you had it at home, you would throw it away. They give you this tiny little microscopic stick of nothing big enough to wash maybe half of it. A muffin we had at home went straight to the trash or we crushed it down the drain with our toes.

The two acceptable ways to get rid of a barbell, in fact, the only wire fingers that get clean in our dough years is about squeezing that little one down there, which I find so funny about that, although we all realize If we had this at home, we would just throw it away, they give it to you at the hotel, you steal it and bring it home. and then act like you're getting away with something, let's see, we spend $100 a night and get a nickel's worth of soap, we're bargain hunters, that's just how we are. I have seen the most expensive hotel room in the world.

I played. the Atlantis Hotel Casino there they have a room, believe it or not, $25,000 a night, yeah, I'm really glad that you guys, because you're not, I've been to someone, yeah, and that's not good, so I'm glad that the people are impressed. and when they're not renting it, they'll give you a tour of the room for $25, a bargain. I wanted to see what a $25,000 suite looks like. I was working there for a week, one day they didn't rent it, so me and about 13 people, strangers, all acquaintances at the front desk paid our $25 and we're going to take a tour of a room that's about five times the size of this room with a tour guide and the funny thing to me was that the tour guide was trying. talk to the people who were doing the tour to rent the room like someone spent $25 to see the room and was thinking about spending $25,000 to sleep there like there's a guy in my little group who thinks okay, okay, okay okay, okay, let me get this straight.

Does my $25 count towards 25,000 because I could probably do 24,975 but 25 25 a great hotel out of my league that I stayed at last week, I guess it was two weeks ago in Florida and the only problem I had with the first one, I think they were catering to a dumber class of people, the hot tub had a sign saying no diving. I don't think we need that sign. I think people who want to dive in the hot tub should be allowed to die in the hot tub. maybe I even got excited, these are the people who made the candle directions for the hotel, which was also a

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hotel because, actually, the biggest problem I had with that hotel is that they had the largest mirror in the world right In front of the shower when I came out, there was nothing.

I have to need so much reflection if I had something that needed so much mirror I wouldn't want a mirror I would want more soap I did something today that I haven't done in a long time I went to a fast food restaurant He' I haven't been to a fast food restaurant in a million of years. The last time I went to a fast food restaurant I went in and asked the guy for a soda. He had just given me a cup. Just when they made me serve, they made me serve. my own soda just walked up and I asked him for a 7up, just you and me, this must be a diet 7up, then he said do you want fries with that and I said no if you're going to stick a knife in a potato.

I stood there being stupid being from out of town. I'm always out of town but no he finally takes note of my key miss sir he pours it there oh oh I pour it there oh thank you thank you and next time. I'm just going to bring a thermos. I won't even have to chat with you. I could have saved a dollar on quarters and brought my own mug this time. Whats Next? I'll fry a hamburger at home. They'll just send me. Give me an invoice. They are a great selling point. We do it your way.

I'm doing it like you're supposed to go to fun restaurants. I saw one not far from here. I thought they were only in California. but you have one here called El Pollo Loco, yeah you know what that means, the crazy chicken, which is funny for a comedian because you will never go to a restaurant called Mad Cow, it will happen if we leave it alone, we will buy. the silliest meals we will make we will enter I bought a box of croutons not long ago I took them home I discovered that all croutons are kept in a cool bag Croutons are stale bread we leave them open overnight they would only get better No one has had to go back to the store where the boxer guy needed some money back.

These are becoming new. They should put them in the green Debbie Meyer bag to keep them from getting fluffy. Oh, and you gotta be careful, people, you gotta be careful. the food is easy to eat and hard for Americans, now the fattest nation in the world, that's not the fun part, the fun part is that they told us how fat we were using a pie chart. I think it was key lime pie, to be honest, it really turns out one. out of every three Americans it seems he ate the other two men. I have a small build.

I have a small build, but that doesn't mean I won't gain some weight. I went on that cruise that lasted three weeks. I showed up back home and had gained 13 pounds on my body, that's huge. I showed up at the door with my watch, oh God, you're stung by a bee. I said no, there were just a lot of CDs and a lot of good food. I don't know anyone, hey, what are we going to do? She says, okay, I have a diet that I'm dying to try on you, so I'm going to give you this diet, people, I'm going to give it to you just in case you ever eat too many cookies and just want to lose some.

I lost ten pounds in ten days on my wife's diet and she was fabulous. Some I just can't give you, apparently if you're not good with chopsticks it takes a long time for the micro small pieces of food to reach your mouth and after about 20 minutes your brain just goes oh hey, this one is a negative calorie intake situation, we are losing energy through this movement, by not replenishing any, turn off your hunger system, 10 pounds in 10 days, if you are good with chopsticks, just switch hands, but 10 pounds In 10 days it is incredible. Now I want to be completely honest with you because I only have five minutes or so left.

I lost 10 pounds in 10 days, that's just my wife. She gave me a stick and I was there and I was trying to help her. I came back from Las Vegas and was trying to help with family chores. I was feeding the dogs. Turns out she put everyone on a diet, but they're not chopsticks. they would starve, that would be bad, but I said, oh, I'm just feeding them, sure not, no, they're on a healthy food diet, it's called a bone and raw food diet, and I said, oh, do you want to explain? that? it's because the acronym is vomit that's not good they don't know they can't spell but I can it doesn't sound right and she said Oh bones and raw food is what dogs would eat if they were in the wild so it makes sense until you think that our dogs weigh about seven pounds each, they're what dogs would eat in the why, oh, and the food is crazy, people get mad at you, bother you.

I have seen the strangest food in my entire life. I walked into a 7-eleven in Albuquerque, New Mexico, they were selling pickled pig's feet in a clear jar. People who want pickled pig's feet know what they are like. People who don't want them shouldn't have to see it. Magne. The people who don't. She doesn't want it, she needs that to see the people she does love. These wouldn't bother me if they had hit him from behind, but no, they put him right next to the register like pickled pig's feet or some kind of impulse buy like one of us will be at the 7-eleven reaching for his pack of gum oh well I need a pig limb that's a tough choice, gum or hoof, well I see we're staying ahead like we should be stealing the ones we have. keep an eye on them I think they put them up front to make the Slim Jims look nutritious.

I never needed pickled pork leg. I will never be so hungry. Some boots on that pickled pig's tongue, each tongue is another who had the ambition to sell the city was a guy who was simply munching on a sandwich one day. Didn't we have another method? That would be easy enough. I will wait for you. This is very funny. In Los Angeles people get mad at you if they think you're buying the wrong food at the supermarket. Turns out I was buying tuna. The lady behind me went crazy hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you're not supposed to buy tuna, they're catching dolphins in the net and I said, well, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, you know they're catching a lot of tuna in that net too in case you missed that little detail and she has a tray. Sorry, dolphins are smart. I swept it. Sorry, but I don't think we're catching the smart ones. Let me tell you, if you love a food, don't read about that food, bad idea, if you love something, just let it go. That's the idea I read about bacon not too long ago and now bacon has been linked to a higher incidence of death. a fact that pigs have known for years, so let me tell you now how good this is for me.

This is the most wonderful practice for the most important concert of my career. In six weeks I'm playing in Washington DC and I'm going to give a group of congressmen and a group of senators and it's very exciting. I think they chose me because I don't make fun of anyone who appears in the news. I don't make fun of the rich, the famous or the powerful. I look at them. like kind of easy, easy to, they're like the lowest brute on the comedy tree and as you can see from my act, I prefer to pick my fruit off the ground.

I signed the contract more than a year ago in the year and a half and then and because the government's plans are entertainment a year and a half in advance and nothing more, that's why we could send someone from here, that's right, So they said, hey, it's an election, you're going to want to say something like that. There was a paragraph in there that said: you can say whatever you want, but if you say something about a member of the left, you have to say something about someone on the right, you just say something about a Republican, the next joke out of your mouth has been a joke about Equal Opportunities that the network the other side wanted it seriously liberal conservative they want a jokeright down I'm flying to Ronald Reagan I'm flying out of JFK so I signed the contract a year ago April just finished paying my taxes and I hated paying my taxes I didn't like it I'm kind of a flat tax guy I don't want a painting but I was mad and I said I know what I'm going to do I'm going to go to this event and I'm going to come up with some stuff about taxes and what I don't like and what they are and I'm going to change them with humor, so I came up with Steve Bruner's tax plan . you right now I think you should pay taxes according to how rich you act, let me tell you how this works, no more filling out paperwork, sending it to the IRS Treasury Department, sending them a lot of money too and you hope they don't ask for more sometimes you have to get someone else to fill out your paperwork they want more money just finished don't argue with them anymore now you just have to answer a simple question how you answer that question determines your tax rate so the first year they bring you to a small room and they tell you that you have a salad and you put a red thing on that salad, what is that red thing called? and the people who say tomato pay 20%, the people who say tomahto pay 30% and her people who say tow pay 5% okay you're getting it you're getting it right your number two bring it to the other room they have to change it they say You have a bagel, what do you put on it? and people say the best salmon and the best cream cheese 30% people say butter and jam 20% and people say if I had a bagel I would put a strap on they pay 5% don't explain that you're increasing their tax bracket that's not It's very nice, be nice, don't be a know-it-all, you're number three, they bring you the little room and tell you what the family motto is, and if they say something like seize the day, rug diem, anything vaguely Latin, 30% if they say, another day, another dollar, something ethical. of work 20% and if they say what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas because they need the money I'm only four years old with bigger brains in mind to think about more than a presidential term that's worth it, you're number four, I'll let you with this you're number four they're bringing a little space and then say what's your favorite vegetable and people say braised broccoli in white truffle sauce 30% people say snow peas 20% and people say ketchup get a refund im I the donors you are related