When Rehearsal Becomes The Show: Stephen Colbert's First-Ever No-Audience Late Show Monologue

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW". I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. (Applause and applause) HUH-OH, HUH-OH. (PIANO RIFF) AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, NONE OF YOU ARE HERE RIGHT NOW. ONLY THE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE - THEY GIVE PROOF OF THIS - ONLY THE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE ARE SOME MEMBERS OF MY STAFF. HI GUYS. (CHEER UP) I'M GOING TO SIT HERE. WELL. (PIANO RIFF) HOW ARE YOU, JON? Jon: I'M FINE. Esteban: GOOD. YES ME TOO. Jon: HOW ARE YOU? Stephen: I'M VERY EXCITED TO DO A SHOW TONIGHT. Jon: I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM LIKE.

Esteban: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, THE VIRUS, I HAVE NO SYMPTOMS. Esteban: EXACTLY. Jon: WHAT IS THE REASON WHY WE DON'T HAVE AN AUDIENCE. Stephen: BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. TWO THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF THE HYSTERIA. Jon: CORRECT. Stephen: BUT YOU ALSO WANT TO ACT WITH A LOT OF CAUTION. Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS SIDE. WE KNOW HOW MUCH HYSTERIA WE COULD PRODUCE IF WE WANTED TO. Jon: CORRECT. Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A FEATHER OR A BRICK. Jon: CORRECT.

Stephen: ALL OVER THE WORLD, THIS APPEARS TO BE A BRICK, SO WE WENT WITH BRICK. There you have it. (PIANO RIFF) HOW IS THE SHOW GOING SO FAR? Jon: IT'S MOVING. (LAUGHTER) Stephen: LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT'S HAPPENING. ALL NEW YORK CITY NIGHT SHOWS ARE PLANNED WITHOUT AUDIENCE STARTING MONDAY. REALLY, WE ANNOUNCED IT LAST NIGHT. THAT CHANGED BECAUSE JUST A FEW HOURS AGO WE HAD SURPRISING NEWS, WE WOULD RUN OUT OF AN AUDIENCE FROM TONIGHT. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. We're just improvising. THIS IS AN ESSAY NOW, WHICH COULD BE A GOOD THING, BECAUSE, IN MY MIND, ALL MY JOKES ARE PERFECT.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER DISAGREES WITH ME IS THE PUBLIC. YOU CAN'T HAVE ME NOW, CAN YOU? (LAUGHTER) HA! LOOK, I JUST LAUGHED! (LAUGHTER) I'VE DONE A SHOW WITHOUT AUDIENCE BEFORE, BEFORE "THE LATE SHOW" STARTED, WE DID A SECRET SHOW IN A SMALL TOWN IN MICHIGAN CALLED MONROE, MICHIGAN. THERE WAS SO MUCH SCRUTINY ON OUR FIRST SHOW THAT WE DECIDED TO LEAVE UP AND REMOVE THE SHOW BY TAKING ON A PUBLIC ACCESS PROGRAM CALLED "ONLY IN MONROE." I'M SURE YOU WILL SEE IT. It was kind of gorilla marketing. TONIGHT I SAY VIRAL MARKETING BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER USE THAT PHRASE AGAIN.

Jon: YES. (LAUGHTER) Stephen: HERE'S SOMETHING: THE LATEST NEWS FOR ME IS WHEN I LEARNED THAT, BECAUSE OF HAVING THE CORONAVIRUS, ALL OF BROADWAY WAS CLOSING TONIGHT. THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY WE DON'T HAVE AN AUDIENCE. IT'S A LITTLE SAD BECAUSE BROADWAY SHOWS HAD ALREADY BEEN WORKING ON NEW PRECAUTIONS TO KEEP THE AUDIENCE SAFE. HERE ARE PICTURES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "WESTSIDE STORY" REHEARSAL. ♪ ♪ OH! I NEED SOME PURELLE! (LAUGHTER) OH MAN... Stephen: RIGHT NOW, I IMAGINE YOUR LAUGHTER. Jon: YES. Stephen: Last night we learned that the N.B.A. THEY HAVE SUSPENDED THEIR SEASON UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, SO CONGRATULATIONS TO THE NEW YORK KNICKS, THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO THEM ALL YEAR! (PIANO RIFF) (LAUGHTER) Jon: TAKE A SIP!

Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW TODAY? Jon: WHAT IS THAT? Stephen: I SAW STEVE ALLEN, YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO STARTED ALL OF THIS, STEVE ALLEN STARTED THE ORIGINAL "TONIGHT SHOW" AT THE HUDSON THEATER DOWN THE STREET. AFTER THAT, THERE WAS THE STEVE ALLEN SHOW. HE WAS PLAYING THE PIANO WHILE JACK KAROAK WAS READING "SELECTIONS FROM ALONG THE ROAD." THIS IS WHAT THESE SHOWS WOULD BE. Jon: WOW... Stephen: AND IT MAY BE AGAIN, THANKS TO THE CORONAVIRUS. (Applause) If all that news wasn't disturbing enough, last night we also learned that Tom Hanks has the coronavirus.

HEY! CORONAVIRUS! GOOD YES! YOU CAN SHUT DOWN ITALY, YOU CAN SHUT DOWN SOUTH KOREA, YOU CAN DESTROY OUR ECONOMY, BUT KEEP YOUR DIRTY NUCLEOCAPSID PROTEINS OUT OF TOM HANKS! THE MAN IS AN AMERICAN TREASURE! THIS IS LIKE KNOWING THAT THE LIBERTY BELL HAS HERPES! (LAUGHTER) IT'S OVER! IT ENDS NOW! (LAUGHTER) HE TELLS ME THAT IT'S NOT OVER NOW. I WILL HAVE TO CONTINUE DOING THE SHOW WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE. (LAUGHTER) WELL, NOW, LET'S MOVE ON. Jon: TO REST, COME ON, FORREST. Stephen: I THINK THIS IS GOING PRETTY WELL. DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING PRETTY WELL? (Applause and applause) Jon: YES, I THINK SO!

Stephen: NOW, I WANT YOU TO FORGET IT -- (Applause) THAT'S ENOUGH. (PIANO RIFF) I WANT YOU TO FORGET THE FACT THAT I PAY ALL THOSE PEOPLE. (LAUGHTER) NOW, EVEN THOUGH TOM HANKS AND HIS WIFE RITA WILSON TESTED POSITIVE, THEY SAY THEY HAVE MILD SYMPTOMS AND ARE WELL. HANKS POSTED, I BET I MAY ADD, AS THE HARVEST ALWAYS DOSES, ABOUT HOW THEY ARE HANDLING THE PROBLEM. OKAY NOW WHAT TO DO NEXT THANK YOU WE WILL BE TESTED AND ISOLATED AS LONG AS PUBLIC SAFETY REQUIRES IT. IT'S NOT MUCH MORE THAN A ONE DAY AT A TIME APPROACH.

NO? TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. HANX. POSITIVE MESSAGE BUT A SEQUEL SIDE OF "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN". Jon: WOW! WOW. Stephen: I guess Weg put a graphic up there that said, "Catch me if you can," at some point. IN A REAL SHOW, WE WOULD DO IT. THIS IS AN ESSAY. Stephen: THIS IS AN ESSAY. BUT I THINK THIS IS WHAT WE REALLY SHOW PEOPLE. SURE. Jon: HUH-OH. Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE VERY SURPRISED WHEN I LEAVE THE BUILDING IN HALF AN HOUR. (LAUGHTER) (PIANO RIFF) OH, SURE, STEPHEN, WE'LL RECORD THE REHEARSAL. SEE YOU, SUCKERS! Jon: WASH THAT HAND!

WASH THAT HAND! WAIT. Esteban: WHAT AM I THINKING? Jon: YOU HAVE TO BE READY AND STAY VIGILANC. Stephen: LAST NIGHT DONALD TRUMP TOOK AWARD OF THE WHOLE PROGRAMMING TO ADDRESS A CONCERNED NATION AND REMIND THEM THAT HE'S THE ONE THEY REALLY NEED TO WORRY ABOUT. WE WILL SUSPEND ALL TRAVEL FROM EUROPE TO THE UNITED STATES FOR THE NEXT 30 DAYS. THESE BANS WILL NOT ONLY APPLY TO THE HUGE AMOUNT OF TRADE AND FREIGHT, BUT TO SEVERAL OTHER THINGS, AS WE GAIN APPROVAL. Stephen: BANING PEOPLE DOESN'T SEEM TO MAKE MUCH SENSE AS A FORMER DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICIAL SAID, THE VIRUS IS HERE IN THE US, THE FOCUS SHOULD BE ON TAKING ACTION HERE, TREATING PEOPLE AND TEST PEOPLE.

THIS SEEMS TO BE SENSELESS. THE VIRUS IS ALREADY HERE. IT'S LIKE IN A HORROR MOVIE, SOMEONE HEARS THAT THE KILLER IS ALREADY INSIDE THE HOUSE AND REPLIES: OH, NO, I BETTER GO TO CLOSE ALL THE DOORS, THEN I WILL LEAVE THIS AX IN THE BATHROOM SINK WHILE I SHOWER, THE , THE , LA, HONEY, IS THAT YOU? COME ON! LOOK LOOK! I'M ALL SOAP! I HAVE MY EYES CLOSED SO I CAN'T READ THE SCRIPT! IT'S OVER IT'S OVER. WHEN WALL STREET HEARD THAT ALL TRADE WAS BEING SUSPENDED, THEY WERE SCARED. HERE IS A PICTURE OF DOW FUTURES FROM THE MOMENT TRUMP'S SPEECH BEGAN UNTIL ONE HOUR LATER.

I don't know much about finance, but I know the rule: the line goes down, the pants turn brown. WELL? E.F. HUTTON ORIGINALLY SAID IT. Jon: OH, YES? THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WOULD LISTEN. ASK YOUR GRANDPARENTS ABOUT THAT REFERENCE. WHEN E.F. HUTTON TALKS, PEOPLE LISTEN. THAT'S HOW IT IS. I THINK THEY ARE ASHES AT THIS POINT. ONE HOUR AFTER HIS SPEECH TRUMP JUMPED TO TWITTER TO CORRECT HIMSELF. PLEASE REMEMBER, VERY IMPORTANT FOR ALL COUNTRIES AND COMPANIES TO KNOW THAT TRADE WILL NOT BE AFFECTED IN ANY WAY BY THE 30-DAY RESTRICTION ON TRAVEL FROM EUROPE. THE RESTRICTION STOPS PEOPLE, NOT GOODS.

PLEASE REMEMBER, VERY IMPORTANT FOR ALL COUNTRIES AND COMPANIES TO KNOW, NOTHING HE SAYS IS TRUE, DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE TANNER. (LAUGHTER) A NIGHT OF SLEEP DIDN'T MAKE THE MARKETS FEEL BETTER ABOUT TRUMP'S PERFORMANCE BECAUSE JUST AFTER THE OPENING BELL THE DOW FELL 700 POINTS TRIGGERING THE AUTOMATIC CIRCUIT TO STOP TRADING. I wish life made automatic circuit breakers, other than this switch. Jon: FLIP THAT ONE. Stephen: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? NO MORE PURELLE. I HOPE I DRINK ENOUGH OF THIS. I SWEAT THE STERILIZATION. Jon: MM-HMM. (PIANO RIFF) JOHN, YOU DON'T DRINK ANYTHING.

Jon: NO. Stephen: YOU DON'T DRINK ANYTHING. Jon: NO. Stephen: HOW DO YOU CALM DOWN? Jon: MUSIC. Esteban: Okay. Jon: YOU KNOW IT. Stephen: BUT I CAN'T PLAY THE PIANO. Jon: YOU CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC. Stephen: TRY ME. If you touch something, I'll take a sip of bourbon and compare the calming effect. Jon: Okay. Stephen: READY, LET'S GO. ♪ ♪ ♪ (LAUGHTER) ♪ ♪ Stephen: YOU CAN STOP NOW. ( PIANO RIFF ) (LAUGHTER) ONE OF THE THINGS WALL STREET HAD TO ACCOMMODATE WAS TRUMP'S BODY LANGUAGE. IT HAD A DISENCHANTMENT STYLE THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS EXTREME HORROR. NOT SO MUCH DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS AS DEER IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

AAAHHHH! AAAHHHH! AAAHHHH! AAHHH! Oh, snap. NO, DON'T FOLLOW ME! AAAHHHH! (LAUGHTER) Stephen: I'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THIS THING HERE. BECAUSE IT WAS A TRUMP SPEECH, WORDS DO NO GOOD. FOR EXAMPLE, HE STRIPES A LITTLE HERE. I'M CONFIDENT AS I TELL AND CONTINUE TO TAKE THESE DIFFICULT MEASURES -- Stephen: IT'S NOT VERY reassuring

when

the guy telling us to stay calm in the face of a respiratory virus loses his breath in the middle of a two-syllable word. (AS TRUMP) I AM YOUR PRES I-DENT. TRUMPS'S COMMENTS ON CAMERA WERE A DISASTER AND HIS MARKS OFF CAMERA. A MOMENT BEFORE THE SPEECH, WITHOUT KNOWING THAT THE CAMERA WAS ROLLING.

DO YOU LIKE THE BOOK TO BE ON THE DESK OR NOT? OR YOU PREFER IT NOT TO BE. HAVE IT THERE JUST IN CASE. MAYBE IT LOOKS BETTER. IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING UP HERE. GOOD? DOES IT MATTER? Stephen: WAY TO GET THE RIGHT PRIORITIES. THIS IS LIKE THAT FAMOUS SPEECH BY CHURCHILL: WE FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE FIGHT THEM ON THE LANDING. DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR COMBINED BACK OR PUSHED FORWARD? DOES IT MATTER? EITHER WAY, I'M A SMOKE SHOW! (LAUGHTER) Jon: HMM... Stephen: BUT THE FUN DIDN'T STOP THERE BECAUSE AFTER WE FINISHED, THE CAMERAS KEPT ROLLING.

GOOD. (LAUGHTER) Jon: WOW! Esteban: YES. WOW, REALLY. Jon: THAT'S WHERE WE ARE. Stephen: THAT'S WHERE WE ARE. THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR WHEN ATTENDING AN IMPORTANT SPEECH. AND THAT'S WHY I KNOW THEY WILL HAVE A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE TOGETHER. TO KAREN AND JON! OKAAAAAAY... (LAUGHTER) I GIVE IT A YEAR MAXIMUM! (PIANO RIFF) UH, WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, BUT STAY. WHEN WE RETURN, MORE OF... WHATEVER THIS IS. GOOD? (Applause and applause) (BAND PLAYING)