Dems Urge Sotomayor to Retire Pre-Election & Biden Limits Harmful Water Chemicals | The Daily Show

I would like to start tonight with a topic that is very important to me:

water

. Now, I don't... I don't know about you, but I'm like 60%

water

, okay? It's... it's something of mine. And if you want to put even more water in your body, here's some news worth celebrating. This morning, the Biden administration announces the first national standard for some

harmful

chemicals

in drinking water. And a new U.S. rule will for the first time impose

limits

on PFAs, or so-called "permanent

chemicals

," in drinking water. The EPA now requires utilities to reduce toxic chemicals to the lowest level that can be reliably measured.

The agency says this will reduce exposure for 100 million people and help prevent thousands of diseases, including cancer. Oh yeah. Yes. I like not having cancer. Now I know it's not okay to say nice things about big government. But this is exactly what it's made for, right? I mean, that and bailing out the banks. But that is not the point. Look, look, personally... personally, I'm not worried about permanent chemicals, because my Brita filter is still going strong after nine years. But it's still a good idea to remove them, even if it costs money. Now, people have called me a big spender, but I'm willing to pay a little more for water that doesn't make everyone I love vomit and die.

And it's the same reason I buy name brand Cheerios and not bottom shelf asbestos. Now, it would be one thing if chemicals forever tasted good. Like they tasted like the cucumber water that was sitting in the lobby of that Hampton Inn for who knows how long. You know, so I would say, yes, having cancer is worth it. But since there's no flavor, I mean, this is a no-brainer, okay? Water is supposed to be healthy. That's why your only weird coworker has that giant bottle. Because he wants to rub in your face how healthy he is. And it's not just water that we have to clean.

Did you see this news about Lunchables today? I mean, it turns out they have dangerous amounts of lead. Why are we doing this? Why do we poison everything? Lunchables are supposed to be healthy. Okay, they're not, but they shouldn't contain lead! How did the lead get there? I guess if I were an aspiring chef and ended up working at Lunchables making food for a bunch of morons who have no palates and obviously don't understand umami, I could just grind a bunch of pencils into their food, come to think of it. But let's move on. If you are one of those people who like to send handwritten letters on special paper to your loved ones, first of all, stop doing it.

Nobody wants to read all that. Just send a text message. And secondly, sending letters has become more expensive. Stamp prices are about to increase. The United States Postal Service is announcing that it plans to increase the cost of permanent first-class stamps from $0.68 to $0.73. Yuck. Yes I know. That's right, the price of a stamp is going up $0.05, which doesn't seem like much, because it isn't. Look, I know it's not okay to say nice things about big government. But the post office, everyone, is still a good business, okay? Imagine if it didn't exist and some Silicon Valley tech introduced it as a new company.

Alright, listen up. It's called "BluBox". OK? Now, you take a card, you put it in any BluBox anywhere in the country. We will find. We will transport it to any other location in the country within three days. And the best thing is that it will only cost you $40 a month, $45 without ads. And of course, we can steal... of course, we can steal all your personal data. But welcome to BluBox. It is very difficult to cancel. That was my BluBox. Good? Yes, post office. And finally, let's talk about the Supreme Court, the ultimate boss of the law.

Oh, this crowd is angry at the Supreme Court. We've had no shortage of reminders lately about the Supreme Court's rightward shift. They overturned Roe and ended affirmative action. Last summer they issued that ruling that simply said no homo. And part of the reason conservatives were able to do all that is because Ruth Bader Ginsburg resisted calls to resign when Obama was president. Which meant that when she died, Donald Trump was able to name her replacement. And now the Democrats are at high risk of losing the Presidency and the Senate in November, do you think maybe we shouldn't trip over our own dicks a second time?

Growing calls from the left for Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, one of their own, to resign and leave office. The point is that Sotomayor, 69,

retire

s while Democrats control the White House and the Senate, and then they can choose her replacement. Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal recently expressed his support for Sotomayor's resignation. Saying, you know we should learn a lesson. And it's not like there's any mystery here about what the lesson should be. Yes. Yes, there certainly isn't. Obviously, the lesson is that RBG should have

retire

d from her... or, if you'd listened to me, made her an immortal robotic judge.

But for some reason, none of those things happened. And now Democrats are trying to avoid that mistake with Sotomayor. But it is a complicated situation. Sotomayor is 69 years old, which by definition is good, right? And it's a little ironic that Democrats are trying to oust her at the exact same time they're trying to elect a president who can stuff his testicles into his sock. But on the other hand, it's... it's just smart politics. And I know people say this isn't fair to Sotomayor, but you have to have some perspective. It's not that they are going to melt it down to do the new justice.

She gets to retire. She's going to make money. She will sit by the pool. She will no longer have to spend her days pretending to like her co-workers. She can spend them pretending that she likes her family. And I don't care if she retires or not. I just hate that we have to go through this every few years. And like everything else in America, this is the fault of the founding fathers. For some reason they decided that the Supreme Court justices were appointed for life, and now they are basically the eternal chemists of democracy. And it's not great for the rest of the country.

Yeah. Not great for the rest of the country. And it is certainly not worthy for the judges. Everyone's first thought when they die shouldn't be "Yes! A job offer." Alright, here's my proposal. If they're going to be able to stay on the bench for their entire lives, at the very least judges should be required to lead more dangerous lives, you know? You can stay on the track as long as you want, but you have to do an annual confinement. Good? But if Sotomayor retires before November, who will Democrats replace her with? To find out, we go live to the Democratic Party headquarters and Troy Iwata.

Yes. Troy... Troy, what are the Democrats looking for in a new justice? I assume a liberal background, some racial diversity? No, youth. Their only requirement is youth. If you make any noise when you get up, it means they don't love you, okay? Okay, so who are the Democrats looking for? A judge in his 40s? I said youth, Kosta. Okay, well, I'm 40 years old, so. Oh, ugh. Younger. Okay, so a law student? Okay, so they're thinking about being a baby. You know, like really taking advantage of that date for life: birth him, slap him, wrap him in a robe. - Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Troy, that's ridiculous. Babies are not allowed on the Supreme Court. Oh, there is no age limit to be on the Supreme Court. Check your constitution, tall bitch. I mean, I... Okay, but how are you going to get a baby through a confirmation hearing? They would be screaming and crying all the time. It worked for Brett Kavanaugh. OK. Okay, but... wait. Wait. A baby... a baby can't do the job of a Supreme Court justice. What, you mean sit there and hit her little hammer while wearing a sleeping bag? I think a baby can handle it.

OK. Alright. And I... I can't believe I'm asking this, but how would the Democrats know that the baby will be liberal? Well, they'll just bribe them. Babies are very easy to bribe. You just give them a juice box and they will rule however you want. Alright, that's... that's really unethical, Troy. And... you can't bribe a judge. Oh, all good. I'll ask Clarence Thomas if that's okay with him. Well, well... has the cunning of American politics really reached the point that we're putting a baby on the field? Okay, everything correct. Well, we will continue with the current plan where all our rights depend on which of our decrepit jurists' bodies wears out the fastest.

Is it Sotomayor? Is it Clarence Thomas? He spins the wheel of death...-Okay, you know what? - --and we will find out. - You're right, you're right. Judging a baby is easier. Troy Iwata, everyone.