What Still Works Cold Open - SNL

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "WHAT STILL WORKS". HELLO AND WELCOME TO "WHAT STILL WORKS", WHERE WE LOOK AT EVERY PART OF AMERICAN SOCIETY AND ASK, WHAT STILL WORKS? IT'S A NEW YEAR AND WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT, SO SOME THINGS SHOULD WORK, BUT DO THEY WORK? OUR FIRST TOPIC IS THE GOVERNMENT, AND I ALREADY HAVE MY DOUBTS. JOINING US IS A GEORGIAN CONGRESS WHO HAS BEEN PROMOTING Q-ANON CONSPIRACY THEORIES. PLEASE WELCOME MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN. HELLO. THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME. GUN? NO,NO. NO, THANKS. I'M FINE. GOOD. CONGRESS GREENE, HARD TO SAY THOSE WORDS TOGETHER, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE THEORIES THAT YOU BELIEVE IN AND HAVE BEEN PROMOTING?

HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE? Well, first of all, I think the Parkland shooting was a hoax. THE TEACHERS WERE ACTORS AND THE CHILDREN WERE DOLLS. I THINK SEPTEMBER 11 WAS A HOAX. DID ANYONE REALLY SEE WHAT HAPPENED? I HAVE ALSO TOLD MY FOLLOWERS THAT THEY SHOULD PHYSICALLY MURDER NANCY PELOSI. SHE IS THIS LADY I WORK WITH. YES, I'M FAMILY. THANK YOU. OH, AND THIS IS A NEW ONE THAT JUST CAME OUT, I THINK THE CALIFORNIA FIRES WERE CAUSED BY JEWISH SPACE LASERS. SO THERE ARE LASERS IN SPACE THAT CAUSED FIRES AND THE LASERS IDENTIFY AS JEWS?

YES, CORRECT. AND THOSE ARE REAL THINGS THAT YOU BELIEVE AND TELL OTHER PEOPLE? Uh huh. YEAH. AND YOU ARE A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE UNITED STATES? Uh huh, YES. DO YOU REPRESENT THE USA? Uh huh. YEAH. CAN PEOPLE GOOGLE YOU AND SAY HE'S A REAL MEMBER OF THE US GOVERNMENT? THAT MAY NOT BE THE FIRST THING THAT COME UP, BUT YES. AND WHEN YOUR COLLEAGUES FOUND ALL THESE HATEFUL AND PSYCHOTIC THINGS YOU SAID, WHAT DID THEY DO? I WAS PROMOTED TO THE EDUCATION COMMITTEE. GOOD. THANKS FOR COMING. SO THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WORK AND I honestly regret not taking the gun.

NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE STOCK MARKET. THAT GENERALLY WORKS, RIGHT? THAT'S WHERE PEOPLE INVEST ALL THEIR RETIREMENT MONEY, SO IT SHOULD PROBABLY WORK. HERE TO HELP US ANSWER THAT QUESTION IS GAMESTOP'S NEW MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER DEREK BONER. ♪♪♪ ♪ THANK YOU. WHAT'S GOING ON? THIS IS CRAZY, DUDE! By the way, my name is Derek Evans, but I made you say boner. GREAT. NOW, WOULD YOU SAY THE STOCK MARKET STILL WORKS? FIRST OF ALL, IT'S PRONOUNCED STONK MARKET, AND - YES, HELL YES IT WORKS. I TOLD YOU THAT I PUT ALL MY MONEY IN GAMESTOP AND I CAN'T LOSE.

SO, NORMALLY THE PRICE OF A STOCK REFLECTS THE VALUE OF THE COMPANY, RIGHT? GOOD. NOW TWO WEEKS AGO, GAMESTOP WAS VALUED AT $17 PER SHARE AND THEN WENT TO $413 PER SHARE. Would you say it reflects the type of business Gamestop has been doing over the last couple of weeks? DO WE SELL GAMES? RIGHT, BUT ARE YOU GOOD AT THAT? NOT REALLY. PEOPLE DOWNLOAD THEIR GAMES NOW, SO WE'RE LIKE, WHAT'S IT'S NAME? A DEADING BUSINESS. YES. THAT'S ALL. SO ITS PRICE MUST HAVE DISAPPEARED. DOWN? BUT INSTEAD OF IT WAS -- UP MORE. SO NOW IT SEEMS THAT -- THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IS A JOKE?

EXACTLY. INTERESTING. DO YOU WANT TO BUY MY STONKS? I'M FINE, THANK YOU, BUT OUT OF CURIOSITY, WHO ELSE INVESTED IN GAMESTOP? OH, RULE HA. THE BEST OF LUCK TO YOU. SO THE STOCK MARKET NO LONGER WORKS. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOCIAL NETWORKS. SOME MIGHT SAY IT NEVER WORKED, BUT LET'S ASK TWO EXPERTS, TWITTER CEO JACK DORSEY AND FACEBOOK FOUNDER MARK ZUCKERBERG. ♪♪♪ WE COULD GET YOU A CHAIR, MARK. I PREFER TO STAY. IT MAKES MY LEGS WORK AS HARD AS MY BRAIN. SOLE! IT'S ONE OF OUR BEST AND BRIGHTEST. So guys, you've had to suspend the accounts of many prominent conservatives who were spreading lies and inciting violence.

HOW WAS THAT? NOT WELL. IT SEEMS TO HAVE FORCED THOSE PEOPLE TO USE DARKER AND SCARY APPS WHERE THEIR DECEPTION AND BLOODTHIRST CAN GO WILD. AND CORELY, FACEBOOK STILL WORKS, NOT ONLY HELPS FORM ONLINE COMMUNITIES, IT HAS HELPED PEOPLE MEET AND CONNECT IN REAL LIFE, FOR EXAMPLE AT THE CAPITOL. AND WHILE WE COLLECT OPINIONS ON WHAT WORKS, WOULD YOU SAY MY BEARD IS WORKING? IT'S WORKING IN TERMS OF KEEPING ME A LESBIAN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US. OUR NEXT TOPIC IS THE LAUNCH OF VACCINES. IS WORKING? JOINING US IS SOMEONE WHO JUST RECEIVED THE VACCINE, O.J.

SIMPSON. ♪♪♪ HOW ARE YOU GOING, GANG? IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU ALL. I DON'T GET OUT MUCH, SO THIS IS FUN. O.J., DO YOU HAVE THE VACCINE? YES. TEACHERS CAN'T VACCINATE, BUT YOU DID IT? THAT'S CORRECT. PEOPLE WITH LONG-TERM LUNG DISEASES CANNOT RECEIVE THE VACCINE, BUT DID YOU? ABSOLUTELY. SO AMONG THE FIRST 3% OF ALL AMERICANS WHO GOT THE VACCINE WAS O.J. SIMPSON. HEY, GUILTY OF THE DEFENDANTS - ABOUT THE VACCINE. EVERYTHING WELL. SO THE VACCINE LAUNCH DOES NOT WORK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING. I mean, honestly, my schedule was

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. GOD, THIS THING MAKES ME SO ANGRY I SWEAR I COULD JUST...

Hey, stay calm, Juice. FRESH, AND OUR LAST TOPIC TONIGHT, TOM BRADY. IS TOM BRADY WORKING? HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS IS TOM BRADY. TOM, THIS IS YOUR TENTH SUPER BOWL APPEARANCE. THAT'S CORRECT. YOU'RE 43 YEARS OLD, BUT YOU LOOK 27. I HAVE NOT EAT SUGAR IN 15 YEARS. YOU WERE HISTORICALLY ONE OF THE WORST FRANCHISES IN FOOTBALL AND IN YOUR FIRST YEAR YOU TOOK THEM TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. THAT'S RIGHT, BUT IT'S REALLY A TEAM EFFORT. NO, DON'T EVEN TRY. NO ONE ELSE BELIEVES THERE IS ANYONE ELSE ON THE TEAM. MY POINT IS THAT YOU STILL WORK. YES. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WIN FOOTBALL GAMES AND YOU STILL WIN THOSE FOOTBALL GAMES?

YES. YOU MAY BE THE ONLY THING IN THE UNITED STATES THAT STILL WORKS. YES. SO I guess everyone must support you, right? ALMOST NO ONE. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL BE SUPPORTING YOU, TOM BRADY, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY DAMN THING THIS COUNTRY CAN STILL TRUST, AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE A WEIRD TRUMP TYPE OR ANYTHING, RIGHT? THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. AND THANK YOU FOR SEEING "WHAT STILL WORKS." I HAVE BEEN KATE McKINNON AS MYSELF, SLOWLY LOSING MY MIND, ALONG WITH ALL OF YOU. STAY STRONG OR WEAK. WEAK IS ALSO A GREAT OPTION. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪