Weekend Update Rewind: Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With (2 of 2)

-Michael, what are you doing during spring break? -Oh, well, I could go to Puerto Rico. -Oh, I'm going to bring democracy to Syria. Via Instagram. Oh look. It's Corinna. Corinna! ♪♪ -Today it was reported that Boko Haram has joined forces with the terrorist group ISIS. Here, with her thoughts on the topic, is the

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with at a party. -Hello Michael. Thanks for having you back. -Thank you- Okay. Sure. Whatever. So what do you think of this Boko Haram situation? -What do I think about it? I think it's inexcusable, okay? She is a kardastrophe.

It's unimaginable. Just look at the sadists, Michael. - -For every 10 people, there are 20 people. And? Are we supposed to give everyone the death penalty? No. America needs to grow. But you also need to look 15 years younger. I just made friends with you. Accept me. -I'm sorry. Is it still Boko Haram? -Open your eyes, Miguel! Measles, Ebola, charter schools! Sometimes I think: "Salami Hussein was right." And then health care: everyone talks about HMOs. Um, how about we just call them gay? -Okay, I don't think anyone is following what the fuck you're saying right now. -Miguel! How would you feel if I came to your neighborhood and burned down your house? -Would I feel bad? -Exactly.

And that's exactly what they feel. -WHO? -Fires! And it's like... If you took all the homeless women in the world and stacked them on top of each other... Jenga, Michael. Jenga. So can I draw a caricature of Muhammad real quick? -No! -Okay, okay. But I need to give you this that my friend Rodney printed. They're like these MapQuest directions, but no one knows where they lead. -It says it here. These are directions to Forever 21. -By the way, Michael, what are you doing during spring break? -Oh, well, I could go to Puerto Rico. -Oh, I'm going to bring democracy to Syria.

Via Instagram. Oh look. It's Corinna. Corinna! You are dancing? Oh, she's having a little seizure. - Well. I think you just need to go. -Yes, actually, I need to go, Michael. Because some of us are actually working out progress. Because if we don't, in 800 years, our children won't even be alive. So can I draw a caricature of Muhammad real quick? -No! -Okay, okay. Close your eyes. Open the. Close them. It opens only on the left. Wink at me. Congratulations. That's assault. -The

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with at a party, everyone. The San Francisco Police Department is reviewing thousands of cases to see if arrests were racially biased.

Here to comment on this sensitive topic are two girls you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. -Namasté, Michael. This is McKenzie. She is my best friend. -And let's cross our fingers, her stepmother. -And what do you think of this police review? -What do we think about it? It's irrational. -It is reprehensible. -We are Nepalese. And? Are we going to put body cameras on police officers now? Oh, as if we don't watch enough television already. -And Bruce Jenner is allowed to be a transformer, but our climate is not allowed to change? That's the hippopotamus. -Michael, a fact: one in five homeless people are actually millionaires and they don't even know it. -So if you have a cesarean section, say something. -Oh, your phone is buzzing. -Oh.

Oh yeah, it's Tiger Woods. -Well! Can we concentrate here? -Oh well. Oh, Amber! -Both: Amber! -Amber, over here! -Who are you talking to? -Our other friend, Amber. -Yes, we couldn't find her before, so we activated an Amber Alert. - Well. That's not what it's for. -Quick, Michael, who will you vote for in the 2016 elections? -Well, it's pretty early, but... -I'll vote for Sudan. Oh, but I'm sure Hillary Clinton is starving children too. -Okay, look. -Shh! Shh! Wait. We want to show you a new game, Michael. -Well. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. -Who won? -Well, rock beats scissors, so... -Wrong.

Justice... -Links with peace. -So the only losers here... -Are the children. -And the future. -And you, Miguel. -Oh wait! Tiger is down, girl. We have to go. -Alright. Two girls at a party, y'all! -Amber! -Amber! -Amber, don't die! -The primaries have been especially divisive this year. Here, with his version, is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. -Hello Michael. Just so you know, if it were up to me, every year would be Black History Month. -Thank you? So what do you think of the primaries so far? -What do I think of them?

Disgust me. The candidates are truly "awful." And now Ben Carson is retiring and we're supposed to believe it's the most effective method of birth control? No! No wonder everyone has the Zima virus. And it's like Leo Caprio was right: bears. -Okay, so I guess you're disappointed in the candidates? -People need to start paying "intention", Michael. When the alarm goes off, he stops pressing the "skooze" button. Because right now there are women in Africa who have to walk 5 kilometers just to see "Zootopia." And breaking news, Michael. You haven't even asked me if I'm transgender yet. -Are you transgender? -How dare you ask me that? -What are you doing? -I just sent you a Snapchat, but your face is that of a tiger and I'm normal. -Cool.

So you vote Democrat? -Why do we have to "lip" everything, Michael? Like, why can't there be a black James Bond or a white Jackie Chan, or we rape Bill Cosby, because guess what? If you are not part of Sudoku, you are part of the answer. And it's multiple choice and you are none of the above. And P.S., why do we need superdelegates? Why can't we just talk to Superman directly? And I ask you, Michael, because #blackguysmatter. So, real quick, I'll sing you Olive Hamliton. ♪ How is he a bastard, an orphan, a son of a bitch and a Scotsman? ♪ -Stop!

Please stop. Please. -Fine, but you could have learned something about "history." Yasmina! Yasmina! -Was that your friend? -No, she is my Uber driver. I think she's hanging around the studio. How many minutes does she say that? -That's Tetris. -Okay okay. Did you know? I want to give you something. It's this knife I found at O.J. Simpson's house. Wait, who do you think she would play you in a movie? -I don't know. Maybe Denzel Washington. -He would choose a homeless woman so she could work. But I'm sure Denzel would appreciate it too. Wait, real quick. He wraps your hands around my neck like you're going to strangle me. -No! -Okay, okay.

Then just slap me really hard. It's about Wall Street. -Just tell us who you're voting for! -Okay, okay. Here. Hold this. Oh look! This man stole my purse and he is white! That?! Boom. That is progress. You are welcome. And I need it back because there's some Adderall in there. -Girl at a party, everyone. -Vaccines are a scam. -With only two weeks until the elections, both candidates are trying to convey a final message to their followers. Here with her final thoughts on this choice is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. -Wow.

Hello Michael Che. Thank you for finally letting a woman appear on late night TV. -So, I take it you're not happy with the elections? -Here you have an idea, Michael. Maybe try to get them to wake you up for a change, okay? Because "Kevin can wait," but the Syrian referees can't, okay? And breaking news, Michael. 40% of children are just their legs. And that is what doctor Michael Che says. -Yes, okay, could you tell us about the candidates? -Please don't interrupt me when I'm making a point, Michael. This lesson is a disgrace, okay? This is a colostomy, Michael Che.

And I'm sorry, if I can play the devil's abacus for a second, I think we all know the real reason Jillian Assange is in jail, and it's because she's a woman. Do you even know what we women have to do when we go to vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I'm sorry. That's totally fair. That's called the bubble standard. Do you know what I have to say about that? -That? -Bleat! Bleat! Bleat! -What are you doing? -That is your impression. - Well. -Because you're a sheep. -Jesus. -Quick, who are you going to make Halloween for? -I don't really dress up for Halloween. -I'm going to be Justice.

David Justice. -Baseball player? -Wow! So to you all black people are just athletes. -No, he played baseball. -No, Michael, you just played yourself. -Oh Lord. -Sister! Sister! -What, is your sister here? -No, I am denouncing the cisgender people out there. I'm serious, Michael. I need to go to Cuba before the white people ruin it. -Alright. You haven't said anything about the elections. Can you at least tell me who you are voting for? -How dare you. That's called voter insemination, what you're doing. I'm sorry. My friends blogs were right about you. -Alright. -Did you know? Good. Did you know?

Maybe I should tell a joke, right? Since that's what this whole election is about! -Good. Tell us a joke. -Knock Knock. -Who's there? -Interrupting polar bear. -Polar bear interrupting- -It's too late! - The global alert already killed him. Now it sucks. -Stinks? -Yes it's correct. Stinks. So why don't you call me Samsung Galassy? ♪ Because I just blew your mind ♪ - Girl at a party, everyone! -Free El Cheapo! -It's "El Chapo"! ♪♪