Norm Macdonald's Weekend Update - The Whole Damn Thing (Part 1)

Thanks, I'm Norm McDonald and now for yesterday's fake news. Simpson's trial judge, Lancito, allowed that mysterious envelope to be opened and it appears that Simpson may have already won 10 million. Haitian General Raúl Cedras, who will leave office in two weeks, hastily locked himself in a garage. selling some trinkets he had acquired while in office, big fans of the Haitian strongman, are you another breakthrough in the Middle East? Arab and Israeli negotiators working all night accidentally resolved the baseball strike and filmmaker Ken Burns announced that after his baseball series his next documentary project will be a 12-hour, eight-

part

story of the silly haircut that Former first lady Barbara Bush published her memoirs this month.

Readers were shocked by her revelation that while she was living in the White House she had sexual relations with former President George Bush. Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago, although it was unearthed only a few days ago. He is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith. the first deaf miss america. heather whitestone was crowned last week in atlantic city although she is completely deaf, she is an expert in lip reading, personally I don't think she's that pretty, you know, no, no, not my cup of tea. Postal authorities removed a cigarette from a photo of blues artist Robert Johnson to help dignify the musician on a new stamp they issued in his honor.

This isn't the first time the post office has altered a photograph, in fact, the original photo used on the Elvis stamp was based on this photo King enjoying a hoagie. Hey, a recent consumer survey showed that Hershey is the company favorite of the United States, while Philip Morris is the least favorite of the United States in the in the middle the company that makes chocolate cigarettes right in the middle a South African professor claims that the Shroud of Turin was created in the Middle Ages using techniques similar to photography. Supporting her claim is the recent discovery of a 2,000-year-old face in a Last month, an 80-year-old Albuquerque woman was awarded more than $2 million in damages by McDonald's after she spilled some of her coffee in his lap and suffered severe burns, as a result, this week McDonald's put a warning label on their coffee cups saying caution, do you think you can avoid pouring it directly into your crotch this time? usa senile old hag do you think you can pull it off huh and shawshank redemption took home the coveted new york film festival award for stupidest movie title adam sandler adam sandler gil graham from us sorry gil graham looks a bit like adam sandler they have that wig on the funny shirt you know, the spitting image of sandler in washington a 410 pound convicted murderer is fighting his execution on constitutional grounds claims that if he is hanged, his head will be completely torn from his body, which would amount to cruel and unusual punishment.

Now having your head completely ripped off your body is cruel, I admit, but is it really that unusual? Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock. star in germany where his latest album sold 5 million copies this week, proving once again my theory: germans love david hasselhoff a truck full of chickens overturned on the long island highway yesterday hundreds of chickens crossed the road but No one has been able to figure out why and that's all for now good night and good luck no, hello, I'm

norm

a McDonald and this is the news. Potential jurors for the O.J Simpson case were asked to fill out a 75-page jury questionnaire this week in the entire state of California, just one person. got a perfect score chow ming woo who after the test plans to attend caltech o.j simpson's new fitness video was released this week and will hit shelves next week the newest funny video of the simpsons supplying the crowd is torn Tourism in India has suffered a dramatic drop recently.

The State Tourism Office has two theories: one, airfares have risen slightly over the last year, causing a decline in travel around the world, and Two, the plague that hit New York this week, Sammy the Graven Bull, was sentenced to just five years in prison for committing 19 murders. But you better watch out because New York just passed a tough new law 20 strikes and you're out Four Pittsburgh children were found in a house full of trash and human waste after being abandoned by their parents for two weeks the couple They were charged with child endangerment, but to their credit, they brought the kids a gift, a T-shirt that said, "My parents left me for two weeks in a house full of human waste and every

thing

I got "It was this terrible shirt, a comet strike." the planet Jupiter last July and scientists now say the dark scars have almost completely disappeared, but the emotional scars will remain there for a long time.

Ford this week recalled two car models saying they could explode during refueling at Ford. Quality is job one and job two blowing up your car what is it like to lose 35 million dollars? Ask dale sturdivant of honesdale pennsylvania that's what he lost this week at a local store when he couldn't guess any of the six winning numbers in the state's pick six lottery when contacted for comment via

weekend

update

sturdivant responded Why are you giving so much importance to this? I bought a three dollar lottery ticket. I did not win. Why can't you leave me alone?

Christy Brinkley told reporters this week that her marriage to Billy Joel ended long before her divorce. The key moment, she said, came when she realized she was Christy Brinkley and that she was married to Billy Joel. This week, Disney released a new cd featuring a rapping mickey mouse to avoid controversy, the cd will not include the controversial hit of a single killer cat and in a related story this week marked the 5,000th performance of the broadway musical cats. It also marked the 5,000th time a man turned to his wife and said what the hell is this, the Food and Drug Administration announced today.

That while one ounce of special k with four ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce of special k with five ounces of milk is a deadly poison, seventy percent of diners surveyed this week said you shouldn't smoking in restaurants and 80 percent of diners said restaurants should give away their food fashion designer giorgio armani confessed last week to bribing italian tax officials for which he was sentenced he was sentenced to six months of wearing brown shoes in a blue suit visitors to New York's Times Square this winter A little surprise awaits them, the crazy people will shoot them.

Well, David Hasselhoff is a big star in Germany for a series. Baywatch celebrated its 100th consecutive week as the top TV show in the country, proving my old theory once again. Germans love David Hasselhoff. and finally john wayne bobbitt will be an adult film star. He has been hired to play himself in the John Wayne Bobbitt story. The

part

about his penis being cut off will be played by Paulie Shore and that's all for now, good night and good luck, thank you. thanks, I'm

norm

a mcdonald this is the news the world was stunned this week when yasser arafat was awarded the nobel peace prize it's actually not that notable when you consider this year's other nominees raul cedras mickey rourke and the guy who stabbed Microsoft founder Monica Seles topped Forbes magazine's list of the richest Americans this week, surpassing second-place finisher Mr.

Monopoly. It was a big week for the old guy who also came second in a beauty contest and took home ten dollars in a related story. Three of Hollywood's most powerful men, David Geffen, Steven Spielberg and Jeffrey Katzenberg, joined forces last week to form their own film studio. When asked what kind of movies we could expect from them, the trio responded mainly porn, that's good news, okay, this week Saddam Hussein withdrew his troops returned from the border with Kuwait after realizing that a second invasion could hurt his chances of winning the Nobel Peace Prize on Wall Street last week.

This year's Halloween mass is O.J Simpson and the most popular Halloween greeting is I'll kill you and that guy who brings your glasses or a treat. By the way, now you can buy a bronze statue of Juice for only three thousand three hundred ninety-five dollars and for even five thousand you can buy one that collings has had his ass kissed yoko ono donated some john lennon memorabilia to the hall of fame rock and roll this week items include his sergeant pepper uniform an electric guitar he used at shea stadium and the original handwritten lyrics to several songs he ruined, new york city police charged this week that the mother Actor Peter Falk's 90-year-old house was systematically built up with $3 million in cash, jewelry and antiques by a hustler hmm Peter Falk's mother, uh, stolen, that sounds like a job for Matlock, according to an obscure 14th century law , British Army Captain James Hewitt could be hanged for having an affair with Princess Diana The punishment for having sex with Princess Diana is death The punishment for having sex with Princess Anne is having sex with the Princess Ana.

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner recently attended his high school reunion. It was great to see all my old friends, he said, but it's still nice to come home to a house full of beautiful naked 18-year-old women. Well, David. Hasselhoff is a big star in Germany, where the syndicated series Knight Rider is a consistent second to Baywatch in the ratings, proving my old theory once again. Germans love David Hasselhoff. Last week, British entrepreneur Richard Brown launched a new virgin cola soft drink, apparently months of research. He determined that people disliked the names Slutcola and Dr. People in 14 states have reported getting sick after eating Schwann's ice cream.

They're not sure which flavor is the problem: vanilla, chocolate, or raw pork and that's it for now. night and good luck, judge lancito this week banned all potential jurors from reading faye resnick's controversial new book nicole brown simpson life diary of a life interrupt the judge also banned them from reading faye resnick's other new book titled Judge lancito as a big fruit in other book news Prince Charles published an autobiography in which he claims that he never loved Princess Dye and that his father pressured him to marry her. The book is titled, of course, Did He Do It?

I mean, come on, and the Pope published a book this week that contains a series of essays examining faith and morality in today's secular world and the changing role of the Catholic church as the 21st century approaches. The book is titled God Himself Told Me That DO He Is Guilty. Queen Elizabeth II visited Russia this week and became the first English monarch. to set foot in the soviet union it is expected that the visit which will last two weeks will have no effect at all in discouraging the cult of the dalai lama the chinese government has banned all photos of the exiled tibetan leader except this photo of the doorkeeper of the 1970s New York City, Lenny Ladenhuff nearly fell over in shock when Princess Diana confided that she was feeling horny and invited him to her hotel suite on Thursday night.

Way to go Lenny Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn has announced plans for a new hotel. 46 stories tall located on a 17-acre island in the middle of a 50-acre man-made lake on the Las Vegas Strip in a related story motel 6 now has shampoo Helmut Cole was elected to his fourth term as chancellor of Germany this week , experts say Mr. Cole's success was guaranteed after he gained the endorsement of singing sensation David Hasselhoff, which once again proves my old theory Germans love David Hasselhoff the Brazilian teenager who sued Michael jackson for running over him with his truck showed his scars to a photographer this week jackson said through a spokesman that the lawsuit was baseless but that he would like to see more photos a jury this week awarded $8.9 million to a man who said that tylenol destroyed his liver immediately after the decision tylenol announced its new advertising campaign take tylenol and you could win 8.9 million dollars, well, a meat-flavored water for dogs hit stores this week and dogs are eagerly awaiting the arrival next month of the new water flavored with other dogs' asses and, finally, in honor of the 50th anniversary of its first publication, Random House will release special commemorative issues. of manydr seuss classics the first to hit the shelves will be green eggs and ham and do is guilty and that's all for now good evening thank you thank you I'm norma mcdonald and this is the fake news well, it's been a disastrous week for the president clinton his party lost control of the house and senate and 31 governorships are now in republican hands the only positive point was he was completely exonerated from the murder of bob crane with republican control the senate bob packwood of oregon will become chairman of the finance committee of the The Senate in a statement promised to massage interest rates out of the budget goose and, if possible, stick its tongue down inflation's throat, and in Connecticut, where I live, he won the race for the House of Representatives by a margin of only two votes, that's good, my vote still wouldn't have been approved. any difference young or old man or woman everyone loves to visit the white house in an act of conciliation china freed eight political prisoners this week but made it clear that the other 79 million would be executed without trial a french man who calls himself the snake man, was arrested this week after climbing the side of a Manhattan skyscraper.

Yes, he crawled up the side of a skyscraper like a snake. This week is taxi appreciation week, so for all the taxi drivers out there. I would appreciate it if you took a shower from time to time. There's a new hangover-free vodka on the market. Yes, the ads claim that 80 proof vodka is so pure that it gives you virtually no headache, but before you run out and buy it. Remembered by massive anal bleeding, Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington. If you remember, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and twisting a knife to destroy the brain cells.

What a genius we will miss him. Well, Tom Cruise got ready for the premiere of his new movie. Interview with the vampire sucking all the blood from his wife Nicole. Liza Minnelli found out that she will have to undergo hip replacement surgery. This is the first time in 15 years that the name Liza Minnelli and the word hip have been used in the same sentence. George Foreman shocked the world this week when, after absorbing hard blows to the head for 10 rounds, he knocked out Michael. Moorer to regain the heavyweight crown after the fight, Foreman said he felt great and Moore's punches had had no effect on him.

He then proceeded to give a 20 minute ringside interview. Model Kariotis made headlines this week when she declared that she did not want Mickey Rourke to appear in his work. Hey, join the club, lady, do you think any of us want Mickey Rourke to appear in our work? Former first lady Nancy Reagan reports that her husband has been relaxing at her ranch riding horses and chopping firewood. Unfortunately, eyewitnesses report that he was actually gathering firewood and chopping horses. The Baywatch cast made a special appearance at Disney World in Florida, where they were mobbed by adoring fans, proving my new theory.

German tourists love David Hasselhoff, a two-inch hummingbird who waited too long to fly south and ended up stranded in Alaska. I flew on a commercial airline to California this week. You know, I have another solution for this: kill the hummingbird and our final story. Ted Kennedy says that now that he won re-election, he can finally relax, quit that crazy diet. He really got carried away and that's all for now. Good. evening thank you thank you hi I'm norma mcdonald and this is the fake news newly elected governor george pataki says he wants to return the death penalty to new york first than mayor rudy giuliani according to a poll conducted last week if the president of the presidential election they were held tomorrow the guy in the funny mask would win maybe if he said the word probably the national highway traffic safety administration is warning people not to overeat on thanksgiving because it can make you sleepy behind the wheel Well, that's bad news for me.

You know, because after Thanksgiving dinner I usually like to drive around for a while until I sober up. Fergie, the Duchess of York, has turned down a guest appearance on hit show Baywatch. Now my research has discovered that Fergie is actually British, not German, which, while it doesn't prove it for certain, does no

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to disprove my time-tested theory germans love david hasselhoff george foreman says his next autobiography will be An inspiration to all Americans who have tried to achieve the impossible dream and in a related story former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer says he wants his autobiography to be an inspiration to anyone who has ever been beaten by an old man in Dakota.

North this week, a hunter narrowly escaped death when a knife in his breast pocket deflected a bullet fired by another hunter. You know, we have too many weapons in this. country when people are shot with knives Judge Edo was interviewed this week by a local television station in Los Angeles and the interviewer asked him if it was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to appear on television with his case still pending. Ito said maybe not, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife? Today it was revealed that O.J Simpson told police that Nicole Brown Simpson used to hit him.

He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him. Talk show host Ricky Lake was arrested for vandalism after demonstrating against fur, said wearing fur was in bad taste, and then returned to his studio to record a show titled Why Clap? Yes, Ricky Lake, you know, she really is an animal lover, although she has three cats, two dogs and a big butt that follows her around. everywhere well there can be trouble in paradise lisa marie presley confirmed this week that she and michael jackson live in separate residences 50 miles apart lisa marie was quoted as saying i guess being married to a homosexual pedophile wasn't such a good idea after all the researchers have developed the so-called red wine pill that provides all the benefits of red wine without the alcohol yes, it's called grape in other entertainment news one of the biggest stars in the world just completed a world tour of three weeks tonight.

I agreed to

update

to tell us about this ladies and gentlemen David Hasselhoff thank you, thank you very much, my recent world tour was an incredible experience. I went to 21 countries in just 15 days and I have some incredible stories to tell in Japan. For example, I was invited to the state dinner at the emperor's palace. What I didn't know was, wait a second, you said Japan? Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, no offense, you know, but I don't think anyone cares about Japan. Why don't you let me focus on the countries where you are? You know you're popular.

Well, in China we had an incredible experience. The entire cast of Baywatch was invited to the great wall where the hundreds of thousands of Chinese are located. The people sang in unison and looked at the Chinese. Yes, of course, look, why don't we skip China? In fact, we ruled out all of Asia. Okay, okay, well, I mean, what do you want to hear about? I mean, I have some great stories from everyone. all over the world oh yeah, I was thinking do you know some place where you are especially popular you know like in europe oh well in italy northern europe northern europe oh i got you i got you good i got you there is a country that they absolutely love norway norway what are you crazy?

They're like everyone else in Norway, no one gives a

damn

about Norway, what the hell is wrong with you, look what's going on here, I've never seen you like this, well, I'm telling you the truth, you know I didn't want to be the one to mention it, but what about Germany? I mean, how do Germans feel about you? On this trip, we didn't actually stop here. I don't care about your stupid trip. Look, just tell me how I would characterize in one sentence how Germans feel about you. Well, I have always been lucky to receive a very positive response from this god.

This is no time for false modesty. We arrived late. We have to end this. Do Germans love you? Well, love is a terribly strong word, listen David, uh, let's say a guy had a theory, a theory that he's dedicated several years of his life to, and let's say he has a lot of evidence to back up this theory of his, not now. Do you think it would be common courtesy to help that guy, you know, and not ruin his life? Listen, I don't know what you want me to say here, buddy, oh my God, hero, write it here, say this, the Germans love me, which once again proves my theory, the Germans love David Hasselhoff and that's the news until today. next thank you david thank you thank you I'm norm mcdonald and this is the fake news I have pests in the senate this week 76 4 get and 24 no idea what the hell gat is so it was close U.S Air is starting a campaign to restore passenger confidence .

I think just two little words will do: we've landed blimps, we've started supplying submarines for Delta Airlines to serve on their flight, and in return, Delta is giving blimps with vomit bags to hand out at their restaurant across from a city courthouse. in New York this week Paula Jones was berated by passing New Yorkers who called her names like and observers say the situation got even worse when the crowd realized who Kenny G was. a Christmas album out this year hey , happy birthday jesus hope you like shit yippee jerry rubin died last week oh sorry that should read uh yippy jerry rubin died last week sorry sorry for my complete mistake I just didn't do it read it well and now it's time for

weekend

updates movie reviews this week I watched an interview with the vampire and here's my review it's not gay enough last week queen elizabeth won £10 in her national lottery country, however, has no plans to quit her job as queen of england yes, i knew it, i knew it, i knew it, i knew it, i knew it, you think i didn't know, a brooklyn man crossing a freeway on monday was hit by at least 10 cars, according to police, the man's body was spread over a two-block area.

Police also reported that several organs were crushed along the way and that his spine had been torn from his torso. The man is currently resting in stable condition at St. Mary's Hospital. The new Duracell battery advertising campaign is already having a dramatic effect on more than 70 percent. of consumers say they now find the battery quote creepy and disturbing fake news plo leader yasser arafat announced this week that his wife is pregnant the happy couple said they don't really care if the child is a boy or a girl, as long as and when he hates jews the california senate voted 38-0 to name state route 118 the highway ronald reagan the 83 year old former president joked people have tried to step over me for years this is the first time i will actually give it welcome and then everyone enjoyed a good laugh even though they had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

Complaints from airline travelers have increased by 22 over the past year. The most common complaint was that they lost my luggage, followed closely by I didn't like being in that plane crash. well, more bad news for governor-elect george pataki audit reveals that due to years of lack of safety new york reservoirs have 90 urine well, you gotta hand it to dan quayle for finally changing his image you used to look at him and think daddy spell with an e Now you look at them and think blood clots the US Postal Service this week canceled plans for a stamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima, instead they will release a different stamp here is that, hopefully, people will find it less.

It's offensive that a jeffrey dahmer's relatives are fighting over what to do with his body, yes that's true, yes well some want to have sex with him while the rest want to put him in the refrigerator so that should have stopped on the premise of that time. uh, the cast of America's most popular new show has appeared on the cover of the entertainment weekly, they're all there, the most popular group of actors on television, there's that guy and, uh, that other guy, there's the black and the one with curly hair. lady and then there's that blonde doctor over there, they are the most attractive group of actors in the United States.

Well, a study this week reports that seafood is good for you unless it's fried. Another groundbreaking story from the pages of the medical journal. A new study shows that a few simple tests may be able to determine which older drivers are most likely to get into accidents. Unfortunately, all the tests involve a lot of older people driving cars into trees. A little sad, scientists have created a genetically superior Christmas tree that will be taller and stronger. and more resistant than other trees a disadvantage if you don't like its presence it will kill you it is a big drawback and here is ourhistory scientists have discovered that rats with spinal cord injuries were able to walk again after being treated with a combination drug therapy, that's good news huh, getting all those rats up and moving again.

A new FBI study shows that, for the first time, Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than by a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice: introduce yourself to as many people as possible. a one-legged goose with dirt on his head and I'm complaining about my life you know it's harder for the one-legged goose hey lisa marie-pressley said she and michael are still together and happy this week she also made a revelation which is actually a nine year old boy, yeah well here I am, I thought I was there. A sheepdog was found at JFK airport earlier this week carrying 250,000 pounds of cocaine in its stomach.

A customs agent became suspicious when he saw it. two airline employees take turns sniffing the dog's butt and that's all the news thank you guys, see you later thank you thank you thank you I'm norm mcdonnell and this is the fake news secretary of state warren christopher this week again offered to resign his job saying he's sick of being a

damn

secretary this week President Clinton gave Japanese Prime Minister Tomici Moriyama a basket of apples from Washington state after the Asian head of state said, "Hey, thanks for the apples "I think I really owe you one." Now here we see the president and the First, hey, hey, slow down, let me catch up.

Hillary Clinton invited Newt Gingrich and his mother to the White House, apparently she hopes they will get caught in the crossfire. More bad news for Boris Yeltsin this week in Chechnya, the entire Russian army was defeated by these three guys here and here is South Korea's annual report on tank performance the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms has given his approval of a new bullet so brutally destructive that it will pierce his soft tissues, shred his vital organs, and then take them all away. Your money and live large with your girlfriend and Aruba. A 51-year-old cosmonaut set a world record for space endurance this week after spending 367 days aboard the Russian space station Mir and, as a side note, he also broke his own masturbation record.

The award nominations were announced this week and it was a lucky day for singer Billy Ray Cyrus. Apparently he found a five-dollar bill in a taxi. Oprah Winfrey broke down and cried this week saying that she once smoked crack, you know, I don't know what. She's crying, I mean, you know, some people in this world can never smoke crack, cocaine, ridiculous, uh, in Walnut Creek, California, anyone who gives up their gun can get free therapy and anyone who doesn't give up their gun can get any free thing. get to o.j o.j simpson's lawyers say they don't want the families of nicole brown and ronaldgoldman in the courtroom during the trial, they fear the presence of the family members will only remind o.j how many more murders he has left to do do and O.J announced this week that he will publish a new book called I Want to Tell You. and if successful, OJ will work on another book titled From Football to Jail, My 25 Years of Showering with Other Men and, finally, twin daughters have been born to Andrew and Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, making the former governor of New York, Mario Cuomo, as grandfather.

The girls were named. pataki and it sucks weekend update with norma mcdonald thank you thank you I'm norma mcdonald and this is the fake news singer billy joel survived the massive earthquake that hit japan this week the earthquake that hit the supporting city of kobe killed almost 5,000 people and demolished hundreds of buildings to repeat don't panic billy joel has survived the earthquake here we see president clinton looking for something to hug besides his wife in an effort to feel smarter than someone dan quayle spoke to 4,000 employees this week from amway jimmy carter has written a collection of poetry including his latest poem titled ode to a country full of stupid ungrateful bastards here's an amazing story twins born 95 days apart even more amazing they were born to different mothers and they don't even look alike it's hard to believe the nhl strike officially ended thursday after some adjustments to the schedule the regular season started last night and the playoffs will begin tomorrow a blind man touched princess diana's face last week and said she's the most prettiest I have ever seen in my life and then she took a plunger bath and said thank you for this royal scepter I will treasure it all according to the national transportation safety board drowsy truckers are responsible for 1,000 deaths a year in second place o.j simpson had two deaths good year o.j simpson's lawyers finally stopped fighting this week, dream team f lee bailey and robert shapiro were able to put aside their differences and express their mutual admiration after o.j threatened to cut off their heads.

United Paramount Network's new show Star Trek Voyager finished in first place Monday night with a 14.7. rating for those of you who don't know one rating point equals 950,000 nerds disney world officials have ordered their extra horror star attraction to be closed until it can get scarier when the attraction reopens in two weeks. be exactly the same but there are six screws missing this week a court banned gays from marching in the st patrick's day parade in boston but they will still allow them to be beaten by drunk irish people i'm afraid i know what you're applying there the the owner of the los angeles rams , georgia franciere, announced this week that her soccer team is moving to st louis.

The good news for the Rams is that cities will change, ticket sales will increase, and more fans will fill the stadium. The bad news for rams is that they still will. It stinks good, the Super Bowl is still a week away, but the 49ers are already winning 31-0 and finally Amy Fisher accused this week that while she was in prison she was raped by a guard, the guard won. Joseph Buttafuco has been reassigned to the prison body shop. so apparently that's the one we're wrapping up okay, that's all for now see you next week hello, I'm norm mcdonald and this is the fake news general surgeon candidate dr.

Henry Foster, who claims to have performed 39 abortions, faces charges that he once said he performed 700 when asked if he had made the statement. Foster was adamant in his response saying that if I told you 39 times I told you 700 times the answer is no, well, the Super Bowl might be over, but the San Francisco 49ers continue to accumulate success. They now lead the Chargers 83-40 to 27. So they have comfortably covered the spread this week. The Disney company used Federal Express to ship an elephant across the country. Disney said they would have used regular mail the last time they tried.

The elephant fell. behind a cabinet in the post office and was missing for three months it was revealed this week that defense attorney johnny cochran once abused his first wife in his defense cochran said hey at least i didn't kill her like some people i know in his book o.j simpson says he would have taken a bullet or stood in front of a train by nicole man. I'm going to tell you that it's bad luck when the only guy who would have died for you kills you, that's perfect, you don't do it. You'll have worse luck that morning Judge Lancito will take O.J and the jury on a tour of the now famous crime scene for the jury it will be their first look at the real location of course Roj it will just be a case of having done it there . and there's a new 24-hour cable channel called the golf channel.

It shows golf 24 hours a day, except between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., when it shows the Byron Allen show. The gambling monopoly turned 60 this week. You know things were like that. Much simpler back then, when people traveled with hats or thimbles, those were the days, yes, last week, after more than a month of freezing darkness, the jubilant residents of Canada's arctic set off fireworks, danced and They ate caribou to celebrate their first glimpse of sunlight. and when the sun briefly lit up the sky they looked at each other and said hey, what the hell is this we're eating?

It was their caribou, I mean, a piece of caribou over here, that this week's taco bell featured a new light menu as well as a new slogan half as fat but still tastes like shit weekend update with noam mcdonald thanks hello I'm norm mcdonald and this is the fake news it took a long island jury ten hours to convict colin ferguson this week then it took them 13 hours to cross the street for lunch and 27 hours to eat it and on the football news this It's getting ridiculous, the 49ers now beat the Chargers 1,000,655 something to 27. Okay, not good with those long numbers, Judge Lancito was happy with the juries.

The field trip to the crime scene last week went smoothly, he said it was not a murder, and this week the Simpsons' defense attorneys questioned witnesses about a container of half-melted ice cream found at the murder scene. , the Simpsons defense seized the ice cream. two reasons: one, it can help determine the time of the murders and two, because it was the only thing at the crime scene that didn't have OJ's blood on it, man. Al Cowlings now has a number 1,900 for 299 per minute. Cowlings will tell callers that OJ is innocent and for 3.99 a minute he will try to do it without laughing this week president clinton played golf with former presidents gerald ford and george bush bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf ball causing a broken nose and 10 stitches but don't be impressed, it took him five hits to do it so one study says high school marijuana use has increased dramatically, I don't know?

I'm joking and I don't really sell drugs to children and now and now, a correction to a story we published last week, Prince Charles is actually the one in the middle so we apologize for that, according to a new survey, Condom use has increased and complicated, clumsy and unsatisfying sex has also increased a lot, according to a survey 58 percent of men would have sex with a woman they didn't like, even though while they were having sex they would really like her and then They wouldn't like it again 130 years after the Civil War, the state of Mississippi finally voted to abolish slavery, representatives say they would have liked to have done it sooner, but were delayed by some tremendously large cotton crops that They had.

That's a big deal after 50 years of entertaining kids. A fed up Mickey Mouse finally started eating one this week and in a touching Valentine's Day gesture. A man gave his wife one of her own kidneys, terrified, she dropped the kidney and ran out of the restaurant screaming. Roseanne got married on Valentine's Day, and as romantic as it may seem, I find myself much more interested in almost anything else that's going on. on the face of the planet and the Oscar nominations were finally announced this week and Tom Hanks and Jody Foster are in a heated competition in the controversial new academy category, well, that's all for now, thanks guys, see you next time week, update without mcdonald's, oh.

Omg thank you I'm norma mcdonald and this is fake news. Well, there is good news this week from strife-torn Ireland, where a historic peace agreement has just been signed. I wonder if anyone will celebrate by drinking. Former Interior Secretary James Watt was indicted this week for still having a large, lightbulb-shaped head, a strong rally pushed the Dow Jones Industrial Average past the 4,000 mark for the first time in history. I have no idea what that means that O.J Simpson was speeding the night of the murders. Defense attorney Johnny Cochran absolutely did not say it today and a simple test of OJ's blood found at the crime scene will prove it and O.J Pal-Al Cowling said this week that in seeking the truth in the O.J Simpson case he sometimes speaks with a photo of nicole brown simpson something that in the past would have gotten him killed DO if the owners used replacement baseball players the hot dog vendors have promised to go on strike boy those owners are screwed now because they never They'll find other guys who can sell hot. dogs, I don't think, I don't think they are capable of dr. william a moffatt, the world's leading authority on the dead sea scrolls, died this week at age 62. the cause of death, the curse of the dead sea scrolls, this was Colin Ferguson's first week in prison Ferguson reportedly fired his cellmate and will act as if she were his from now on.

New medical research shows that men and women have different food cravings: men prefer meat and women prefer sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman times.when the men had to go out looking for food while the women sat on their fat butts eating chocolates. Washington Power couple Mary Madeleine and James Carville are expecting their first baby in July. No one knows if the baby will be a Democrat or a Republican, but doctors are sure. one thing will be strange looking the richest girl in the world the billionaire athena onassis celebrated her tenth birthday this week what is it like to be the richest girl in the world well to give you an idea at the party they ate two cakes the mafia announced that this week They will abandon their traditional greeting of gently kissing each other on the cheek, but as for shooting people and stuffing them into the trunks of speeding cars, a drunk man was decapitated by a moving subway train this week after he fell off the platform while trying to show off to a woman he didn't know.

The trick worked. The two will get married in June and finally, due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station. According to their appearance, from now on they will have to consume only the stench of urine. Well that's it. Thanks friends, see you next week. Thank you. I'm Nora Macdonald and this is the fake news. A Michigan man has been arrested for the murder. from a co-worker after their joint appearance on the jenny jones show jenny jones says she is very upset about the incident how upsetting to know next jenny jones f lee bailey said this week that if the defense knew what the last words were from ron goldman they might be able to find the real killer, you know, if you ask me, Goldman's last words were probably uh, hey, you're O.J Simpson and Baily insists that he's spoken to potential witness Maximo Cordoba.

I haven't spoken to F Lee Bailey says Maximo Cordoba, who is right? and who's wrong, find out next time Córdoba teenagers are snorting or injecting Ritalin, a drug prescribed to treat attention deficit disorder in children, drug abuse experts warn that Ritalin can speed up blood pressure along with increased mental alertness, increased energy and a greater sense of self-confidence and remember kids, those are bad things, well, tests were done this week to see if those new starting bullets are really that dangerous as everyone says, according to a controversial new biography. Elizabeth Taylor likes to be made love loud, hard and frequent.

Coincidentally, that's also how she likes to eat oh no oj is surprised again how about that's not good a recent study shows that the number of sexually active teenagers is leveling off at 53 percent and another study shows the number of teenagers telling their friends they are sexually active remains stable at 100 here we see latoya jackson captivating the crowd in st petersburg russia of course in russia captivating means to disappoint or displease well the newlyweds tommy lee and pamela anderson had their first argument this week he wants kids she wants fake kids and finally well it's official michael jordan is leaving baseball to return to basketball it's unclear if the media will now refer to him by his old basketball nickname air Jordan, or his newest baseball nickname, Mr.

Seedy, and that's it, thanks guys, see you next week. thank you hi, I'm laura mcdonald and this is the news last week when pat buchanan announced his decision to run for president, several people jumped on stage shouting that buchanan is racist when security began to remove them from the stage, buchanan stopped them and said : "leave it." they continue that's my motto republican presidential candidate phil graham of texas said yesterday that if he and president clinton met in next year's general election he would quote chew it and spit it out president clinton on the other hand says he would accept graham fry dip him in mayonnaise and swallow it well, the sarin nerve gas used in the Tokyo subway attack is a colorless, odorless substance that quickly paralyzes the respiratory system, fills the lungs with liquid and suffocates its victims, but it is still better than any thing in the Warner brothers.

Network Senator Bob Packwood said this week that he favors reducing the federal deficit rather than a tax cut, then added that, in case anyone was curious, he prefers pretty legs to big breasts, well, what what about this? Do you know what makes me sick when a society allows a guy to like it? colin ferguson will live another 200 years it's ridiculous it's crazy a new study says people who quit smoking have healthier lungs another groundbreaking story from the pages of the medical magazine duh the car rental company hertz announced this week that it will buy 520,000 vehicles increasing its global fleet 24 plus they will try to find a new spokesperson who will not kill his ex-wife and in court this week cato kalin testified that o.j simpson He didn't seem angry before or after his wife's murder period, but Kaelin admitted he might have been a little nervous while he was actually murdering her.

It might have been a Leona Helsley fired a maid this week for stealing her Victoria's Secret lingerie and you think that she looks sexy here, I imagine if you would do it with the and finally the United States Diamond Council advises that men spend two months' salary on an engagement ring, while the American Housing Company suggests that you spend the 25 of your salary in rent. Interestingly, the American Crack Association recommends that you spend your entire salary on crack and that's it for now, good night friends.

macdonald

thank you thank you I'm norman mcdonald and this is the news this week in south africa winnie mandela was dismissed from the new government by her husband president nelson mandela a curious bill clinton then called mr mandela to find out exactly how he is going to do something like that in the medical news this week scientists report that there will soon be a vaccine for drug addicts that completely eliminates the craving for cocaine, they warn, however, that the vaccine is extremely dangerous, highly addictive and costs ten thousand dollars a gram.

This is the only one known. photograph of terrorist tahiya ayash, palestine's leading bomb maker, to assure him that there is little cause for alarm; However, he should know that this photograph was taken by Palestine's top photographer this week at the O.J Simpson trial. the infamous bloody glove was finally presented as evidence and oj. It didn't help his case at all by saying I've been looking everywhere for that thing and in a new surprise at the O.J Simpson trial this afternoon Judge Lancito dismissed another juror, a 45 year old African American man. him for not telling the court that he had once worked for Hertz Rent-a-Car and that he had once held Nicole Brown Simpson's glasses while O.J killed her.

Well, Monica Sella said this week that she doesn't like watching women's tennis anymore. club lady, in an attempt to boost low attendance, officials at the new jersey state aquarium have announced plans for a four million dollar facelift, plus flashing neon signs will be posted outside the aquarium indicating that fish are all naked all day long. I had a good time on a talk show recently, Joey Botafuco said of Amy Fisher: I hope she gets her way and dies in prison like Jeffrey Dahmer and when she does I'll go out and eat cake moments later, though, he admitted.

Look, I'll be honest with you even. If nothing bad happens to Amy Fisher, I'll probably go out for pie last week. The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, visited the Big Apple and showed off her 14-pound weight loss. Hopefully, this won't interfere with her official duties of sitting on her fat ass. throughout the day julia roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to lya lovitt had ended some time ago, the key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was julia roberts and that she was married to lyle levitt, the ian gold plated typewriter. Fleming, author of the James Bond series, will be auctioned on May 5, although he is in perfect condition.

He has a little problem when you return to the carriage. He shoots you in the head with a fishing spear, so it's okay, singer Willie Nelson, who was recently arrested in Texas for possession of marijuana had charges against him dropped this week a judge ruled that the arrest had been illegal because the police had no probable cause to search his car for marijuana how about the fact that it's willy nelson this week in new jersey patty four months ago? The old pit bull who had been beaten senseless by his owner has been given a new home, while his former owner is serving two weeks in jail for the beating.

Veterinarians say it will be four to six weeks until Patty fully recovers and is ready to eat babies properly again. Pov magazine came out this week with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century. The best three were, in this order, multimedia software designer, management consultant and interactive advertising executive, while the worst for the third consecutive year, crack, thank you. Thanks hello, I'm your Macdonald and this is the news. The problems continue for New York Senator Alphonse Dematto, a week after offending many Japanese Americans with his impression of Judge Lance Ito.

The senator was admitted to a New York hospital complaining of mild chest pains this week. The attending physician, Dr. Hikuru Akosaki, examined the senator and found nothing serious, then performed a six-hour rectal exam just to be sure. It was a bad week for the prosecution of O.J Simpson's trial under intense cross-examination by defense attorney Barry Scheck and LAPD crime expert Dennis Fung. He admitted that he may have contaminated the crime scene when he accidentally dropped a large bucket full of OJ's DNA. Dismissed Simpsons juror Jeanette Harris revealed in interviews this week that the jury is split by dissent and is already divided into two camps: those who think she is guilty. and those who are really stupid, Israeli security forces have detained over 150 suspects in last week's suicide bombings, suspects in suicide bombings, now well, here's a clue, look for the dead and probably , on the right path, Cambridge, Massachusetts, Cambridge Masses, shoe sets.

The jury found City Councilman William Walsh not guilty of malicious destruction of property after he removed two dildos from a sculpture in the City Hall annex. Walsh's defense was that he was walking by, saw them and said to himself: "Hey, free dildos, scientists in Japan have invented men's underwear with a special scent that they claim is irresistible to women." women. Let me tell you something: if you have a woman's nose in your crotch, you don't need special underwear Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger vehemently denies accusations that he is the father of a 12-year-old girl who lives in Texas, you know, it's. hard to believe, Arnold, you know, especially considering this is a photo of the girl.

Well, Premier magazine's 100 Most Powerful People in Hollywood list hit newsstands this month in a bizarre ranking of Demi Moore. ranked 28th, while her breasts ranked 20th and 21st, so the country's most restrictive smoking ban came into effect this week in New York and the city has already earned more than £9,000 at a press conference this week. Washington Mayor Miriam Berry said she wants private companies to provide 5,000 summer jobs for a district youth program. She also wants some crack. OMG Hillary looks pretty in this photo. Don't you realize there's someone so attractive until I see her listening to this photo at Virginia Commonwealth University?

The teacher is being sued following revelations that he spanked one of his students. It was the student's parents who were first suspicious when they asked her what kind of grades you're getting and she responded: big red ones on my butt, so that's it for now, good night, thank you. Hi, I'm norm mcdonnell and this is the news, our top story tonight this week on the o.j simpson trial after grisly photos of murdered nicole brown simpson were shown in court o.j turned his head and cried, it was at that moment he realized he could never kill her again three weeks ago, the FBI released this sketch of the Oklahoma bombing suspect known as John Doe number two and this week they had new information, they were able to review the sketch now that we have it for Sure he said An FBI spokesperson, as long as you keep your hat on, Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry is currently enjoying a 10-day trip to Africa.

She says that she loves everything about the continent, but that she really misses crack for the fifth year. A Row People magazine names John F. Kennedy Jr. as one of its 50 most beautiful people, meanwhile,Big Red Nose magazine has named Ted Kennedy as one of its 50 most drink-ravaged faces. A pit in Buffalo, Wyoming, a truck jack this week spilled hundreds of sticks of dynamite onto Interstate I-90, although officials noted there is absolutely no danger as long as you are protected by magic. I wish it was protected by magic. Okay, actor Charlie Sheen is reportedly engaged to model Don Appeal.

Sheen's friends say they knew. Sheen was serious when he brought Donna home to meet the prostitutes on this week's stock market news. April's three biggest losers were champion pharmaceutical companies Cantab and Crapco, which makes garbage and also garbage-related items, most recently Mariah Carey's Christmas album and also in music news, Black Crows have announced they will donate profits from the recent concert to the victims of the Oklahoma City bombing and then the band will smoke a lot of marijuana. A recent poll asked New Yorkers what they thought of the princess' new slicked-back hairstyle. On a recent trip to the city, 38 New Yorkers approved, 45 disapproved and 17 said you stopped me for this now I'm going to shoot you Due to expected cuts and funding for PBS, the Frugal Gourmet has announced it is changing its name to McDonald's cheapskate bastard and here's the news, it's now believed that in the months leading up to the Oklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may have sold drugs, boy is he in trouble now? responsible for over 100 deaths in Africa and a couple of really bad movies here in the United States, in a questionable move by the defense team this week, O.J Simpson demonstrated how to stab two people at the same time.

A Department of Labor study shows that the number of temporary workers increased to 2 million in 1994 and that study doesn't even include the most temporary of the temporarily unemployed Kato Kaelin Well, Gary Busey was released from the hospital this week after an overdose of cocaine last Friday. Doctors say being busy is fine and you should be. back to the hospital in no time, well, crime is down almost 20 percent in New York City with only 384 murders so far this year, only 384, if you ask me, that's still 307 too many, it's True, the Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build.

Construction of a $300 million hotel and entertainment complex in New York's Times Square will begin next spring on its first attraction, Crack Horrors of the Caribbean. The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products topping the list this year. really high chair, well, last friday in washington d.c. The city's elementary school students pledged to stay drug-free as a gift for their moms on Mother's Day, while D.C. Mayor Marion Barry gave her mom a big box of chocolates. Thank you, I'm norm McDonald and I'll be there for you. Well, the trial of the century ended late yesterday.

The fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in American history, was put in the hands of jurors. Now they must decide whether to release him or keep everything. their severed heads testimony over the past week provided some fascinating moments in a brilliant move during closing arguments simpsons lawyer johnny cochran put on the wool hat prosecutors say o.j war the night he committed the murders, although o.j may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out "hey, chill, that's my lucky stabbing hat" In the course of his summary, Cochrane also mentioned Detective Mark Furman calling him a genocidal racist and comparing him to Adolf Hitler Fuhrman, then responded after all the things he said about me during this trial.

It's a little late to start sucking up now; meanwhile, Furman, who was expected to face disciplinary action from the Los Angeles Police Department, could get away with it under the terms of a controversial plea deal. The charges against him have been reduced to citing a charge of using the word correctly. The much talked about movie Show Girls came out this week and here is my review. Basically, a high-budget porn movie Show Girls is a thinly veiled excuse to show lots of bare butt, legs, and breasts on a scale of one to 10. I give it a 10. Texas Millionaire.

J Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and his wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at his home in Tennessee. Police arrested two teenagers with a computer for trying to connect to a phone line at the Republican state headquarters. Teenagers say they wanted free internet time as well as information on how to keep the lower class at bay, and a new restaurant exclusively for dogs has opened in California. Their specialty is a fried chicken dinner that is said to be scrotum licking. The new talk by former Wilson Phillips member Carney Wilson.

The show started this month according to Carney, her show will be different from the others in that the guests will be treated with respect and dignity and then she will eat them. Remember 12 Angry Men, the classic courtroom drama. Well, the first movie about the O.J. Simpson is. in process is titled nine angry blacks, two scared asians and a white man who hasn't spoken since rosa lopez in carlsbad, texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring 16 inmates, doctors say they will go to At least two weeks before men are running around and raping each other again America's best-known atheist, Madeline Murray O'Hare, is missing and hasn't been seen for weeks Her family is asking everyone not to pray and in music news number one on the college charts this summer was better than ezra and at number two ezra meanwhile elton john continues to deny rumors that he is engaged with his tennis racket next week jews everywhere will celebrate the holiday of yom kippur or as non jews call it wednesday and that's all for now friends, good night weekend update with noah mcdonald, thank you, I'm norm mcdonald and now the fake news, well it finally is .Official murder is legal in the state of California, two hours after the verdict.

The police had their first solid lead in the search for the real killers. A new witness came forward who saw three men fleeing the crime scene the night of the police-released murders. this sketch and I would like to hear from anyone who saw these three individuals on Tuesday at 115 at the time the Simpsons verdict was handed down. Judicial television achieved its highest ratings an hour later, the channel closed. Well that covers the major developments in the o.j simpson case this week and after all the other big things happening in the world right now plus o.j simpson when simpson trial juror gina rodboro returned home this week , her young daughters were thrilled to have her back and it's no wonder she lets him get away with it.

Murder Meanwhile in Washington, Mayor Marion Barry praised the verdict as wise and fair and asked people of all races to please get her some crack. The first Miss America, Margaret Gorman Cahill, died this week at the age of 90. will determine if she will be buried in a bathing suit or in the ground at night sorry and with the hit to new york city some of the most greedy and heartless scammers in new york city are getting rich selling fake mass tickets in central park I don't know? Watch how a brother and sister in Florida had a sexual relationship for almost 20 years and now a judge must decide what to do with the eight children their incestuous union produced and whether to keep them away. each other, how about that?

Here's the answer to last week's updated news quiz. The sexiest man in the world is the one on the right, that's the one on the right, so no one won, so the jackpot now is 500. Well, that's wrong, it's long lasting. The Love Boat television series is being brought to the big screen by New Line Cinema. The producers have announced that the entire original cast of Gavin Mcleod, Bernie Cappell, Fred Grandy, Ted Lange, Lauren Tweeze and Jill Whalen, will have to pay 750 to see the film. Like everyone else in Oklahoma, sheriff's deputies are using police dogs to sniff out bodies buried on an 80-acre farm.

The dogs have sniffed the ground for three days, but so far the only thing they have dug up is another dog's butt to commemorate his 75th birthday. mills will abandon her traditional betty crocker image and unveil a new multi-ethnic betty crocker whose image will combine the features of 75 different types of women here it is this week supermodel claudia schiffer broke up with magician david copperfield later, a devastated copperfield disappeared in the street and I was hit by a bus this, according to the current edition of things I wish really happened, according to a recent survey, the best tasting water in New York state comes from South Huntington on Long Island and the water with worse flavor comes from Lou Reed's Bong and, finally, physicist Stephen Hawking, who is wheelchair-bound and speaks through a computer voice box, got married earlier this month for the second time.

You people who can't get a date are starting to feel sorry for yourselves. That's all for now, friends. good evening, thank you very much, enjoy, thank you, I'm norma mcdonald and now fake news is our top story tonight after your shocking acquittal two weeks ago. o.j simpson vowed to never rest until nicole brown simpson's real killers are brought to justice and Meanwhile, the search continues this week. O.J took his girlfriend Paula Barbieri to see Jade's erotic murder mystery. Other moviegoers took the couple's presence in stride, though they were uncomfortable when O.J repeatedly shut him down and shouted, "You call a stabbing nation of Islamic leader Louis Farrakhan has accused the national parks system of racism by claiming the agency deliberately underestimated the number of participants in his million man march a park service spokesperson denies the charge saying quote our estimate is based on state of the art aerial photography we back up our numbers heil hitler meanwhile washington dc mayor marion Barry, attended the march and described it as a beautiful display of unity and solidarity among African Americans.

His only complaint was the complete absence of crack. The Menéndez brothers are back in court now they claim that they shot their mother and father more than 20 times. because they feared that their parents possessed supernatural powers, although they now admit that, looking back, they were probably wrong. An 83-year-old Wisconsin woman who survived in her broken-down car for eight days on nothing more than fruit juice and frost has been rescued. last week by family and friends and they gave him a big welcome home dinner, but in an ironic twist they unknowingly served fruit juice and icing as the main course.

Polygram Records has acquired half of Entertainment Tonight, host John Tesh's music label, paying Tesh $8 million for the right to distribute his new age music around the world. If I ever decide to commit suicide, that will be the last line of my words. suicide notes last tuesday in the elections for mexico's regional assembly thugs from the leftist opposition party burned ballot boxes detained election officials and threatened voters with violence mexican authorities consider it the most successful election in its history. President Clinton was in Austin, Texas, last Monday, the day of the Million Man March. The president said in a speech: "I'm here to talk to you today because right now there are like a million in Washington, DC." black boys less than two years after that horrible bus accident that almost left her crippled singer gloria estefan has been involved in a fatal boating accident that killed a surfer memo to self cancel hang gliding with gloria estefan let me just let me cancel that out there everything is canceled a labor department task force says it will crack down on sweatshops in new york's chinatown, where employees work 90 hours a week for as little as 75 cents an hour a spokesperson from the sweatshop owner said that's all we can afford to pay this is a sweatshop we make sweat in arkansas a 25 year old man has been arrested for going door to door trying to trade sticks of dynamite for sex or drugs .

This disturbing case has people across the country asking the same question: why? I think of that anger over the use of Indian caricatures as logos by the Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians. TheNative Americans appeared at the World Series tonight and sang for hours to protest Indian stereotypes, although it didn't help their cause any when it started raining. and finally this week john kelmont of france turned 120 years and 238 days old, making her the oldest person who has ever lived and although she can no longer shop for herself, see her friends or even get out of bed, she still has enough strength to say oh God, I want to die and that's all for now folks, thank you, thank you, I'm Norm McDonald and now the fake news, our top story tonight after initially vowing to never rest until his wife's killers be brought to justice.

O.J Simpson this week changed his promise slightly. Now The Simpsons had been talking about marriage with her girlfriend Paula Barbieri, but she supposedly called off the wedding because she feared that if they got married, she would be brutally murdered and then someone would try to blame OJ. the actor who appeared in commercials for many years as the Marlboro Man died of lung cancer asked if he contracted the disease by smoking a tobacco industry spokesperson responded by saying what's that behind you then he ran away from the University of Massachusetts last week A team of biologists created a mouse with a gigantic human ear protruding from its back.

Then the triumphant scientists looked at each other and said, what the hell did we just do? What kind of crazy idea is it that this is some kind of mouse with an ear? sticking out after 15-year-old peggy young of irwin, tenn, was caught skipping school, authorities sentenced her mother to three days in jail, so all you kids, remember the party at Peggy. Talk show host ricky lake has announced that she is finally going public. she apologizes for her role in a destructive anti-fur demonstration and then eats a huge can of frosting. HBO has finished airing its new movie about the talk show Wars, titled The Late Shift Tap, to play Jay Leno is Daniel Roebuck, the role of David Letterman will be played by Michael Higgins and the role of Arsenio Hall will be played by arsenio hall cowboy legends roy roger and dale evans yesterday launched a website on the world wide web so hackers can learn more about the western duo the most asked question so far hey aren't they dead in baseball news ?

Yankees captain Don Mattingly may be headed to Japan. Sources say he is excited about the opportunity to play abroad, especially in a league in which he would have the biggest hog. In an interview to be held this week, Demi Moore says she would like to have another baby, this time a boy to accompany her three daughters and two huge breasts in the ritual of meeting the bees. The female follows the sorry in the ritual of mating bees the male follows the female fighting slapping and screeching until she lets him do whatever he wants with her almost every time a male orangutan encounters a female he rapes her among sea otters males often grab the snout of a female with their teeth or claws and choke her while they try to mate these stories and much more in the new book I'm not that bad by former senator bob pacquiao a new airport planned for san diego would actually be located three miles in the pacific ocean built on 40 by 20 foot floating cylinders it's all part of a plan by city officials to have a big disaster thank you thank you I'm norma mcdonald and now the fake news our top story tonight after colin's departure powell of the presidential race on wednesday senator phil graham said the republican nomination is now a two-man race between him and bob dole lamar alexander said it is now a two-man race between him and bob dole and senator arlen spector said Who the hell am I kidding I don't stand a chance if Congress fails to raise the debt ceiling This Wednesday, November 15 at 12:01 a.m., the US will officially default on 4.9 trillion debts owed to foreign governments.

If that happens, the Treasury Department has issued this statement to all Americans, whatever you do, do not answer the phone, no matter how hard you try not to fool House Speaker Newt Gingrich. It continues to scare little children. Dr. Jack Kevorkian was responsible for another death this week, this time a 58-year-old woman. She is Kevorkian's 26th patient to die since 1990. When will people realize he is not a good man? doctor, don't go with this man, he is incompetent, he is terrible, the district attorney's office has given marcia clark and christopher garden, christopher darden, bonuses of over ten thousand dollars for, quote, a lot of time and work harsh, in quotes in the o.j simpson case, a spokesman for the district attorney said that the prosecutor's bonuses would have been even greater if it were not for the fact that they let a murderer go free in economic news the mexican peso yesterday sank to a record low when he showed up drunk at a family gathering and punched his cousin's penny in In a recent interview, Christy Brinkley suggested that football players should have special gloves connected to lights on their helmets that way, when they catch the ball, You will know who has possession.

Read these and other interesting ideas in Christy's new book. I'm an idiot, a study. on weight loss revealed this week that women participating in a weekly diet program lost 50 percent more weight, ate fewer snacks, and bought more fruits and vegetables than women overall, proving my new theory. Richard Simmons is gay. Well, next year's monkey reunion tour. He will be the first to include the four original members of the band, that is because Michael Nessmith, who had not joined on previous tours, decided to accompany us. Nesmith, of course, is best known as the original last monkey who ran out of money, according to a new study from Yale University.

To duplicate the physique of a Barbie doll, the average woman would have to grow up to seven feet, add five inches to her bust and trim six inches from her waist so ladies, your mission now, get there in Nashua, New Hampshire , this week. High school student Chris Conley, while trying to shoot a basketball, lost his balance, crashed into the rim and broke two front teeth. I wonder if by some crazy coincidence, Chris is white. Researchers at Rockefeller University have learned an interesting new fact about the internal clock. Located inside the brain of fruit flies, it is very, very, very small.

Former Playboy model and jeans guest Anna Nicole Smith collapsed this week after she suddenly realized that she had actually had sex with this guy. I think they were a pair of flaming supernovae. Well, finally the news: which is the most honest city in the United States? A team of sociologists left 10 wallets full of cash on the street in several urban centers in Atlanta. Seven of the wallets were returned in Seattle. Nine of the wallets were returned, but not surprisingly in New York. city ​​only one of the wallets was returned empty and stuffed up a dead guy's butt thank you hi i'm noah mcdonald and now the fake news our top story tonight according to a report published this week o.j simpson is still extremely angry because robert shapiro started writing a book while defending the football legend, however, Simpson is very glad he got away with killing his wife and waiter this week the New York City Taxi Commission named the 10 worst taxi drivers from new york city mohammed zamon akbad alab yasser abdul ali rakhima malik gasagi himyar lachimids serbit kareem jazi hassan zakadan nosagi thamud abdul nasir and the second worst offender is abdul akhmad zakalili bani savaligi hanganga sterlina two 23 year old women in china this week have set a record by living 12 days in a room with 888 mortals.

Snakes now occupy a coveted spot in the Guinness Book of the World. A prostitute who was mistaken for a man spent 15 hours in the men's prison in Denver, where she had consensual sex with two male prisoners, marking the first time anyone at any time in any prison has had sex. consensual michael gold, an unemployed homeless man, has been stalking model naomi campbell for two years. he has been shouting obscenities spitting littering and threatening to kill her well after two long years naomi finally relented the couple will get married in june in news magic johnson has received a 5 million advance from random house for his new book titled what you can do to avoid AIDS chapter one don't have sex with me actor luke perry says that his departure from the cast of beverly hills 90210 this week had nothing to do with artistic or personal conflicts, it's just that he is 50 years old. in new orleans antoinette frank an A former police officer sentenced to death for triple murder said she doesn't know anything about the skeletal remains found under her former house, but then, after thinking about it, she said, "Oh, that guy, Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's the guy I killed and put under the house." I forgot that's for sure, I remember that yes, yes, I killed him and then put him under the house.

Now I remember that Kentucky Fried Chicken has announced its second annual Mother's Day greeting card contest. Everyone remembers last year's winner. Two mommy roses are red violets are blue they eat a lot of fried chicken in the hope of impressing a girl kevin hall, 18, stuck a sawed-off shotgun down his pants and ripped off his genitals, you know, I don't know the girl , but I guess that uh, the trick didn't work, I learned it the hard way, well, if I may have a personal opinion, you know, I think Harrison Ford's new mustache works and by works I mean it looks very gay in what is considered a remarkably short period of time the head of the federal advisory board, dr. peter mellman, gave his quick approval to a new and controversial anti-obesity drug, it should be noted, however, that the wife of dr. expects a full recovery doctors say that before long barry will be awake and smoking crack again woody allen will be the subject of a documentary that will follow his jazz band on its 1996 tour according to its producers the documentary will focus strictly on the parties from Allen's life that no one gives a damn about a new book that claims that Madonna once spread peanut butter all over John F Kennedy Jr.'s body and then licked it off, proving that Madonna is grateful to him, thank you , thanks thanks. you're norman donald and now the fake news our top story tonight 20,000 us troops are on their way to bosnia but president clinton has promised to quote that this won't be another vietnam adding, for starters, i won't be in england leading peace rallies and cheers to the enemies of our country in an attempt to reassure critics of the president's Bosnian policy.

White House press spokesman Mike McCurry stressed that the administration does not intend for the United States to be the world's policeman. However, he recognized that the Marines had just stopped. the country of brazil for speeding up like johnny carson there for a second beetle fans who play his new song for free like an upside down bird will find a secret message from john lennon the message that this song sucks former british cavalry officer james hewitt, who is lady diana's secret lover says he will never reveal the contents of more than 100 love letters she sent him, according to hewitt's new book, i hit a princess, after years of research, a team of biologists managed Altering the genetic makeup of mice to create a new breed of larger, hairier and more violently aggressive mice, they call their new creation the rat.

Federal officials have ordered trash-burning plants to install security guards after a worker in Maine was crushed to death this week when a conveyor caught his broom. Large signs will also be posted. the compactors who say that if your broom gets stuck on the conveyor belt and you're about to be crushed, put down the broom in the current climate of gun violence the washington bullets of the nba have decided to change the name of their franchise when several politicians from dc were asked for your suggestions president bill clinton said presidents would be a good name senator bob dole said senators and marion barry said i'll be with you in a minute right after smoking some crack, confident that he wouldn't is a threat to society's doctors in Virginia's Prince William Psychiatric Hospital has released William Mojeski six months after he scaled the White House fence to shoot the president.

Mr. Majeski's future plans include scaling the White House fence and shooting the president at Niagara Falls. Arthur Curley has beenaccused of trying to make his girlfriend swallow a small brass bear, then urinate on it and set fire to the oxygen tube he uses to treat his emphysema. Read all about this type of relationship in the new book. Men who make their girlfriends swallow brass bears, urinate on them, and set them on fire. his oxygen tubes and the women who love them a depressed o.j simpson because all his ideas to make money have failed he has decided to go back to doing what he does best killing people in the davis county jail in utah this and a judge has ordered that 17-year-old Wes Howard be placed in the general prison population after he complained about being unfairly segregated from adult inmates.

The judge made this decision over the strong objection of Wes Howard's ass at a special ceremony sponsored by Clearing editors How 16-year-old Amber Combingan was awarded ten thousand dollars for her tireless work feeding the homeless, although the young woman said she would change everything in a second if she could get a shiny new Lexus and, finally, this Christmas Santa Claus. She will begin a new look at the most modern shopping centers around the country. She will now feature black Santas, Asian Santas, Hispanic Santas and even Middle Eastern Santas. It's all part of a show to make little kids cry and that's it, thank you.

Thank you very much, I'm Norm McDonald and now the fake news, our top story tonight, accused by critics of failing to prepare an exit strategy for Bosnia. A defiant President Clinton today insisted that he has one prepared in case the situation deteriorates. will have all 20,000 troops airlifted to england and smoke marijuana 24 hours a week the president vetoed a republican bill to balance the budget and used a pin that belonged to former president lyndon johnson clinton has also been working his way through of the vast john f kennedy condom supply in New York this week while rehearsing for his upcoming HBO special, pop star Michael Jackson collapsed on stage and was rushed to the hospital Beth Israel Weekend Update obtained this exclusive photo while he was In the hospital, Michael Jackson had his room specially decorated with two huge ones. photos of shirley temple but don't get the wrong idea here michael jackson is a homosexual pedophile in business news chrysler has alleged that former president lee iacocca gave away classified documents to other corporations according to a spokesperson chrysler is deeply concerned that other manufacturers have learned the secrets to building really bad cars dr. jack kevorkian and seven associates have revealed new guidelines for doctors to plan physician-assisted suicide rule number one get paid up front in a surprise move oj simpson has offered to give an interview to cnn with a quote absolutely no rules basic, but the interviewers greta van susteren and roger cossack have asked for one, don't kill us.

New York Governor George Pataki announced this week a plan to cut state scholarship aid to college students who do not maintain at least a C average, unfortunately these students are the ones who suffer the most from these cuts, they will be the idiots to Across the Great Plains harsh weather and hungry weevils are the cause of one of the worst cotton crop years or so the Germans would have us believe the Native Americans in upstate New York are trying to collect sorry Native Americans in upstate New York are trying to block plans to build a kmart on the site of a Mohican cemetery.

Also, they were upset to know that sales will be announced on this particular kmart. Attention to kmart savages doctors at the hospital of the university of pennsylvania. hard at work developing a new operation to remove an appendix without anesthesia the operation is exactly the same as the operation with anesthesia with one key difference it hurts like a bastard the new york public interest research group has revealed its tenth annual list of dangerous toys for the upcoming holiday season tops this year's list baby's first buzzsaw this week in minneapolis the minnesota obesity center officially opened its goal is to find ways to identify behaviors that lead to obesity it's also a good place to meet fat girls Finally in Connecticut a mailman on his route was bitten and dragged by a Rottweiler who held on even after police shot him five times, the officers rescued the shaken mailman who finished his rounds returned to the post office and shot 10 people and That's how it is, enjoy your Sunday, friends. thank you and update with norman mcdonald thank you i'm norman mcdonald and now the fake news moments after the bosnian peace treaty was signed in paris grenades rock sarajevo killing six people asked if renewed violence raises questions about ceasefire president clinton hopped on a plane to england and lit up a big fat joint the king of pop michael jackson, who collapsed during concert rehearsals last week, has been released from the hospital.

Doctors say his condition is stable and he continues to improve, although he is still an oddball at a cheery news conference Thursday. Utah Congresswoman Enid Waldholtz blamed her financial problems on her husband, alleged embezzler Joe Waldholtz. The congresswoman says she was blinded by love for Mr. Waldholtz, who when they met he claimed that he was not an embezzler and that he was not a big, fat swearing guy either. This week's testimony Paula Barbieri admitted that she had broken up with O.J Simpson the same night Nicole Brown Simpson was killed. That had to be a difficult day for O.J.

First his girlfriend leaves him and then some Colombian hitmen kill his wife. Steel for the former Oregon Senator Bob Packwood announced this week that he plans to start a consulting business on Capitol Hill. A spokesperson, more like a spokesperson for Packwood's new firm, Maureen O'Donnell said: "Hey, get off my ass this week." CBS aired Martha Stewart's Christmas special in which she demonstrated that with an old soup can, some used tea bags, some string and some sparkles, you can make useless crap. frank sinatra turned 80 this week frank sinatra and although the singer is said to suffer from alzheimer's he had a typically festive birthday singing a duet with a prostitute and having sex with tony bennett will probably end up in jersey with a meat hook up his butt, but It was a good job in Denver this week.

Postal worker John Pitney surprised his co-workers when he came to work wearing a dress, a gorilla mask and a strap-on dildo. Most surprising of all, he didn't shoot anyone, so after 30 years on tour non-stop, The Thankful Dead finally break up, fans of the group formerly known as Deadheads will now be called homeless in a recent interview Jane Paulie recalled how back in the '70s she coined the phrase bad hair day in another recent interview Larry King He recalled how back in the '70s he coined the phrase bad face day last Sunday's National Hockey League game between the Buffalo Sabers and the Tampa Bay Lightning was postponed due to a record snowfall in Buffalo, or so the Germans They want us to believe.

Recent studies indicate that the number of people contracting the AIDS virus appears to be declining dramatically, but it is important for viewers to remember one thing: sex without condoms feels better now I have to say this, it should be noted, however, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Eighteen-year-old Julie Wozchak will go to Paris after winning an essay contest sponsored by the Dayton Daily News which she won for her essay titled "Why I Want to Go to Paris with an Old Man from the Daily Dayton News" Dayton Daily News like that would have helped. Well, Hollywood hooker Devine Brown has written a book that describes in lurid detail exactly what she did with Hugh Grant.

The book sells for $25, but for $35 she will show you last week a hungry homeless man in a stolen truck who led police in Pennsylvania and New Jersey on a 100-mile chase before giving up when promised two sandwiches. of egg. When are we going to stop? negotiating with terrorists is simply ridiculous in massachusetts the state legislature will vote this week on whether to ban body-grabbing animal traps nervously waiting for the vote is the inventor of the body-grabbing trap former senator bob pacquiao wrong way correct the man who He once flew all the way to Ireland by mistake and died this week at the age of 88.

It was just like he said his wife was trying to live, you got it all wrong and finally next week Christians everywhere will celebrate Christmas or what people born on December 25th call it. went wrong from a present day and that's all for now good evening friends thank you very much I'm noah mcdonald and now here's the fake news our top story tonight as new questions arise about Hillary Clinton's role in Whitewater the president appears To be distancing himself from the first lady today in his weekly radio address, the president insisted: Hey, I sleep with hundreds of girls, I can't answer for all of them, you know, meanwhile, the war of words between President Clinton and New York Times columnist William Sapphire continued.

Heat it all started when Sapphire called the first lady a congenital liar quote Clinton responded by saying that Sapphire's date deserves a pop in the nose Sapphire responded by offering to fight Bill Clinton quote anytime anywhere the president responded quote how about right now and then got on a plane? to England and lit up a big fat joint Is the first lady a compulsive liar, although she's starting to seem that way in a 2020 interview last night aimed at promoting her new book, It Takes a Village, Mrs. Clinton bowed under harsh questioning by Barbara Walters and admitted that in fact it doesn't take a town and also she was aware that it doesn't take a town when she wrote the damn book ah my dad looks funny thanks bobby I think maybe that joke had bigger problems than the weather But in an effort to raise money for his huge legal bills, O.J Simpson this week began marketing a video attempting to prove his innocence in case the tape doesn't sell.

Simpson has a backup idea: his own video of the actual murders in one of the most surprising stories to come. Out of the '96 New York blizzard, supermodel Claudia Schiffer walked more than a mile through waist-deep snow this week to get to an even more incredible photo shoot. She sleeps with this guy and in Boise, the Idaho state medical board censured Dr. Levar. withers after dozens of women alleged he fondled them while their legs were raised in stirrups, an angry doctor responded: Hey, if I'm a monster, why didn't they go to another dentist in business news and this week announced the first of 40,000 layoffs an at t spokesperson said you know someone who needs a good spokesperson and in california christian brando was released from state prison on monday after serving almost five years for killing his sister's boyfriend while his father marlon brando was ate nine pizzas and more bad news For Bill Clinton, this week an appeals court ruled that Paula Jones can continue her sexual harassment lawsuit against President Jones.

The lawsuit is based on a 1991 hotel room encounter during which she alleges then-Governor Clinton dropped his pants and exposed himself. She's looking for seven. One hundred thousand dollars in damages One hundred thousand dollars in trauma after seeing the governor's penis and three hundred thousand dollars for each thigh Philadelphia Zoo officials report they have been able to preserve the sperm of an endangered one-horned rhinoceros the sperm will remain frozen at the zoo until michael jackson comes with a check and picks it up this year's lack of snow in alaska could help generate a surplus of moose next year because deep snow makes it harder for moose to forage for food, which which leaves them more vulnerable to wolves or so the Germans would have us believe that a three-year-old Texas boy remains in good condition after being attacked by the family's pet mountain lion.

No one knows why the attack happened, but hey, what about because his pet is a mountain lion? One-year-old Adrienne Brown, wife of soul legend James Brown, died suddenly last week, most shocking of all, James Brown didn't kill her and in Poke City, Florida, a man had his car returned stolen, but I see his father's cremated remains. Her father's are still missing, I don't know? Oh yes, across the country, this Monday banks and government offices will be closed in observance of Martin Luther King's birthday, meanwhile, the Riverbend maximum security prison in Nashville, theDr. King's assassin James Earl Ray will spend the day being continuously raped he's a bad guy by the way james earl ray if you don't know that helps finally on US news and world report top list and worst jobs of 1996 is available last year's best job multimedia software consultant was replaced by a new best job bioindustrial engineer and in the worst job category last year's winner crack has lost his place the new worst job is crack assistant that's all for now thank you friends good evening thank you thank you I'm norma mcdonald and now the fake news our top story tonight the nation is still reeling from thursday's bombshell announcement that lisa marie presley has filed for divorce from michael jackson according to friends The two were never a good couple.

She's more of a stay-at-home type and he's more of a homosexual pedophile. This week, in a speech honoring Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., President Clinton said that if Dr. If King were alive today, he would have supported the deployment of U.S. troops to Bosnia later when asked how he could use the late civil rights leader's name in such a car. Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on the state address. of the Union on Tuesday that will focus on education about crime and the economy at the request of the first lady. The president's speech will be a big lie this week on NBC date.

Three Simpson jurors explained their not guilty votes, arguing that if Simpson had killed his wife, there should have been blood stains all over the front door and light switches this week as well. Simpson's friend Al Callings released the video of him on how to remove blood stains from front doors and light switches, and in Brentwood, O.J himself was seen tending a lemonade stand with his daughter Sydney. Reporters asked him why sales were so bad. OJ replied, "Beats me" and then left. Back to cutting lemons with a giant knife Well, bad news for ice cream magnates Ben and Jerry this week the Food and Drug Administration banned their new flavor Ben's back hair in an interview last week Administrators of the FAA David R Hinson explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world.

It turns out that all other languages ​​are weird, I even barely understand most of them. John Goodman has announced that he won't be returning to Roseanne next year, so how will the show get rid of him on screen? Now I say that in the last few episodes of the season Roseanne will gradually eat it up and now we can update. I'd like to wish a happy birthday to comics legend George Burns, who turned 100 today. You know, I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Polly Shore doesn't either.

Barbara Jordan, the first African-American woman in Congress, died this week at the age of 59. Surprisingly, singer James Brown had nothing to do with it. with him eric etheridge editor of george magazine resigned due to political differences with the publication's editor in chief translation of john f kennedy jr they are both fucking the same receptionist finally the legendary swimming pool scammer minnesota fats passed away on wednesday you know, now He's probably in heaven, he's accumulating them for a game with Saint Peter or maybe he's in hell where the demons settle their flesh and the agonies of the damned never cease either way we'll miss him and that's all for now friends, so That's just the way it is, good night, thank you friends.

Thanks I'm Norma McDonald and now fake news is our top story tonight according to CNN's latest poll of Iowa voters, Steve Forbes has pulled ahead of Senator Bob Dole in the race for the Republican presidential nomination; however, he is still behind Ross Perot and John. dupont in the race for craziest rich guy Meanwhile, Republican challenger Phil Graham says Bob Dole shouldn't get the nomination because he backed President Clinton's plan to send troops to Bosnia Dole responded that Graham shouldn't be nominated for president because let's see him take a Take a look at the guy, more questions about the veracity of Hillary Rodham Clinton In an interview this week, the first lady claimed that she won the women's 100-meter dash at the 1956 Olympics and had an IQ of over 700. when it was pointed out to her that these were not particularly good lies mrs clinton responded i know i have a problem and then added that i invented the formula for 7up last week magic legend our basketball legend magic johnson last week the legend of the basketball magic johnson rejoined the los angeles lakers four years after learning he was hiv positive nba doctors have assured the league's players that they have absolutely nothing to worry about as long as when they are protecting magic they remember no have sex with him and late today rescuers intensified their search in shark-infested waters off the Dominican Republic for those still missing after the crash of a chartered 757 also joined the search sharks last Sunday during halftime with New York Police Officer Michael Vellino, who had been trained on the spot to kick by the New York Jets, missed a 35-yard field goal and therefore failed. his chance to win a million dollars experts said his main mistake was being trained by the new york jets in his testimony in civil court this week o.j simpson denied under oath that he hit, kicked or slapped his ex-wife nicole oh great, as if o.j wasn't busy enough tracking down the real killers, now he has to track down the real wife beater too well.

More bad news for ice cream magnates Ben and Jerry's in their continuing battle with the Food and Drug Administration. This week, the FDA banned their new flavors. of Ben's beard, meddlesome, mass-crushing bureaucracy, and in Louisiana, Amtrak agreed to reduce its speed limit from 75 miles per hour to 69 after a meeting between rail safety experts and laughing high school kids, Stefan Simmons, the Pennsylvania man who smoked 800 cigarettes in less than six minutes. has earned a coveted place in the Guinness Book of World Records the record for the world's most massive heart attack well at a local meeting in Montpelier, Vermont last week representatives of the McDonald's corporation who wanted to put a restaurant in a historic district were booed by angry residents but applauded by the town's fat man every city has one the fat man from Fort Pierce Florida Minnie Bell South customers will no longer pay long distance telephone rates for close calls, but will instead be charged a flat rate of 25 cents or so the germans would have us believe today in new york the best chess player in the world gary kasparov will challenge the best chess computer in the world the ibm 9000 no matter who wins man or machine one thing is certain no one cares shit chess two weeks ago a record number of viewers around the world watched the dallas cowboys beat the pittsburgh steelers in the super bowl xxx the game was the closest in recent years, as the cowboys, who had been Favored by 14 points, they sealed a 10-point victory with Larry Brown's interception of a Neil O'Donnell pass in the closing minutes.

Larry has kindly agreed to talk to us about the game tonight in the Weekend Update, so here from the dallas cowboys super bowl mvp larry brown thanks for coming larry it's a pleasure for me norma now larry I know this is not an easy question but the cowboys were favored by 14 points and you only won by 10. you didn't cover the difference what went wrong well norm i don't know if something went wrong we knew that pittsburgh had a good football team and we were happy to come out with the win, yeah, sure, but there was a moment in the fourth quarter where you and your teammates looked at each other and said it just wasn't our day, it wasn't meant to be, we're not going. to cover the spread and the people who bet on us are going to lose a lot of money no, we were just happy to have won the game, you know, we went out and played hard and happy to come out with the win, well, Larry at halftime. the cowboys were ahead 13 to 7. now there was a lot of talk in the locker room about the over under i don't know what's right you're right let's get back to the spread there's probably been a lot of fanfare in pittsburgh this week about how the steelers beat the spread , but you know, if you ask me, the Steelers didn't beat the spread, the Cowboys beat themselves by beating the spread, do you agree with that rule?

Have we lost sight of the effect here that we do win? the game no no no I don't misunderstand larry you know you personally have nothing to be ashamed of you know you had a great game and without your two interceptions you know the cowboys wouldn't have even come close to covering the spread you can keep your head up I'll tell you, thank you, Norma, thank you very much, okay Larry, can I borrow 25,000, wow, that's a lot of money, Norma, what's it for? Well, you know, I think you probably know. I generally don't do it. I won't make as much money Norm Larry They say they're going to kill me It's okay Norm but I want it back It's okay It's okay oh you're a good man a scholar and a gentleman thank you and I'll help you This comes back, uh, right after the lottery drawing Delaware State on Monday, so don't worry, she better be okay, Larry Brown, everyone, and finally, in entertainment news, former Playboy Central Anna Nicole Smith has filed for bankruptcy and, saddest of all , she slept with this guy. for nothing, it's okay folks, that's the way it is, good night, weekend update with norm mcdonald, thank you, thank you, it's norm mcdonald, now here's the fake news, our top story tonight after your poor result in the Iowa caucuses, Texas Senator Phil Graham is withdrawn from the presidential race and will soon announce his full endorsement and support for first place finisher Bob Dole in response Dole said I'm screwed in Whitewater News Federal regulators grill Hillary Clinton at the white house this week and they gave her a perfect score in the lying section she's a dirty liar, meanwhile, president clinton recovered flood-damaged sections of the pacific northwest this week and promised that every flood victim will get food blankets and children's tents, while millionaire Stephen Forbes promised every flood victim a case of champagne and a rare Austrian music box. controversy for minister louis farrakhan during his recent trips to iran the leader of the nation of islam told reporters can quote me: god will destroy america at the hands of the muslims and then, in the most shocking part of his statement, farrakhan added Happy President's Day, everyone talk.

Against the new Pentagon policy, President Clinton has promised to keep HIV-positive soldiers in the military, many and congressmen wanted them discharged, arguing that their presence in the armed forces will make our enemies afraid to fight wars with us at Earlier this week, the Food and Drug Administration gave approval for Nicorette gum and over-the-counter aid for those trying to quit smoking. Next the agency will rule on another addiction-fighting product. The title of that one is I Can't Believe It's Not Crack. you know where there's big crack it's in detroit now you hear about it but you really have to try the former soviet union this week oh oh there's a phone call here here i have a phone let me see now who it would be hello noam what's up it's oj oj, hey, hello, oj, hey, what are you doing?

I even just came back from the movie oh the movie what did you say beautiful girls oh yeah who's in it again? oh you know uma thurman lauren harlem look savino rosie o'donnell rosie o'donnells and beautiful girls i know norma, i was baffled too anyway, there's juice, hey, how's it going with the search for the killers? oh no, don't ask, no good, eh, that's an understatement, I'm no closer to finding the real killers today than when I started it's like they've vanished into thin air oh well, give it time there oj you know it can't be that bad oh believe me, it's that bad sometimes I feel like I should close the

whole

investigation, oh come on, hey, did something come out of that clue?

Uh, you picked up on the dark figure leaving the crime scene. No, you won't believe it. Turns out it was me. Wow, so I guess. that's a dead end, yeah, well hey, how about that guy who was seen running back to your house by the limo driver, Allen Parks? Well guess what turns out that was me too, oh wow what are you going to do? Nothing you can do sometimes. I just have to laugh anyway, Norma, while I have you here I was going to ask you a favor, oh yeah, right, juice, what is it?I produced a video that addresses some of the inconsistencies in the evidence and I've been having trouble getting the 800 number out. on the airwaves I'll actually post it, okay, that would be great, it's 1-800-555-016, oh, okay , that's right, 1-800-555-0165, right, 1-800-555-0165, okay, 1-800-555 okay, hey, what's the cost of the video here?

Was it like 100 dollars? Oh no, it's 29.95 29.95, good sir, that's nothing, yes, well, exactly give it away. We're trying to price it so the average person can afford to buy it. The question is not: Can the average person afford to buy it? The question is: Can the average person afford not to buy it? Well, we think it's a quality video. Well, the price is certainly right. Hey, let me ask you a favor. Can I give you that? number one more, sure, okay, then that's 1-800-555-0165, okay, noah, I'll let you go, okay, juice, hey, take care of yourself, buddy, o.j simpson, everyone, oh, jay, simpson, oj, the juice, well, in a sworn statement this week, o.j simpson stated. that he never ever punched, strangled, or punched his ex-wife with a closed or open fist, luckily for O.J, the lawyers forgot to ask him if he had ever cut off her head, according to DEA officials.

The president of Colombia, Ernesto Sempere, is the subject of a formal accusation. with accepting six million dollars in drug money from the Cali cartel to finance his election campaign in Colombia the legal limit on drug money contributions of course 5 million so I was waiting in the entertainment news there are reports that actor Charlie Sheen and model Don Appeal are breaking up know when two people like that break up there's really only one winner heidi fleiss with peanut consumption in the united states down 10 the peanut advisory council has decided to launch a 600,000 ad campaign Most of the funds will go to spreading nasty rumors about almonds and cashews That's not right, huh, there's finally good news for Steve Forbes in his recent presidential campaign.

This week he earned the endorsement of Forbes magazine. Medical researchers at Duke University have found the human body's internal stopwatch, so if you've lost an internal stopwatch, please. Contact Duke University at the address below. An unusual prison break occurred this week in Washington, DC, where two inmates hid in the back of a garbage truck and were dumped in a landfill. The two men covered in dirt and trash remained at large for almost three days. by convincing people that they were mickey rourke and keanu reeves, under a new ordinance, nude and topless exotic dancing will be prohibited in any establishment that sells alcoholic beverages in the city of new iberia louisiana or, as i now call it, the place most horrific in the world, a famous fertility statue that many believe has the power to get women pregnant began a national tour this week.

The hundreds of women who claim it caused their pregnancies are of different ages, races and religions, but they all have one thing in common: they are all dirty, dirty, dirty. thank you very much this is norman mcdonald now the fake news our top story tonight just days after winning the new hampshire primary pat buchanan has become the target of savage attacks within the republican party on a positive note, however, he caught the enthusiasm the support for bill clinton the president of the united states of america cannot be much greater than that of colorado this week bob dole warned that if pat buchanan is the republican candidate the party could lose both the presidency and control of congress in response buchanan warned that if someone other than him becomes president, blacks will retain the right to vote six out of a half-dozen others During an interview two weeks ago, Bob Dole told a reporter that whoever wins New Hampshire will likely be the Republican candidate when approached by reporter for a quote after his surprising loss on Tuesday Dole locked himself in his campaign bus and pretended to be asleep, a new development in O.J Simpson's civil trial this week, according to sworn testimony, Nicole Brown Simpson had told her therapist that she was afraid of being hit. by o.j simpson i asked him why he didn't report this sooner the therapist said he was afraid o.j simpson would hit me i said i was hit and that may have hurt a little after a new outbreak of the ebola virus in africa last week officials Health officials have issued the following warning to those who have been in contact with the virus: drink plenty of fluids and stay away from me.

This week, world chess champion Gary Kasparov defeated an IBM computer in his series of six chess games that experts call the meeting between chess wizard and historic supercomputer because for the first time it brought together geeks and nerds and this week The leaders of Bosnia, Serbia and Croatia averted a threat to the peace deal by agreeing that suspected war criminals will be arrested only if they are among the To the 52 already charged, the remaining war criminals will be allowed to continue as war workers. Pat Buchanan and Washington state heroin deaths hit record highs during 1995. Sorry, it just wasn't your year, well, television history will be made this week.

When movie legend Elizabeth Taylor appears as herself on CBS's four Monday night comedies, she's part of the network's new Must Eat TV campaign. She enjoys eating well. The Learning Annex in New York is offering a new course to teach women how to smoke cigars the fee to sign up for the class is 100 the fee to view the class is 200.00 a shocking crime in brunell florida where a 92 year old man in a nursing home has been charged with sexually assaulting an 85-year-old woman a nurse who witnessed the attack has not stopped vomiting In Saint Louis, archaeologists will use special radar at nearby landfills in an effort to find the 70-foot shaft of a Ferris wheel that was the piece centerpiece of the 1904 world's fair, or so the Germans would have us believe, and finally, in Fall City, Nebraska, John Lotter.

He has been sentenced to death for trying to kill three people in what prosecutors called a plot to silence a transvestite woman who had accused him of rape. This may seem harsh to some viewers, but I think everyone involved in this story should die, okay? that's the way it is folks good night thanks maggie good night I'm norma mcdonnell and now the fake news our top story tonight after devastating losses in this week's super tuesday primaries a humiliated steve forbes dropped out of the presidential race Forbes was reportedly so despondent that he was heard saying "I feel like a million dollars," while Pat Buchanan warned that if front-runner Bob Dole chooses General Colin Powell as his running mate, his supporters will walk out of the convention.

Republican. Buchanan later admitted that his followers actually march wherever they go in a Michigan courtroom this week. Jack Kevorkian was acquitted of murder charges after jurors agreed that he had made a compelling argument in favor of assisted suicide. well, chelsea clinton turned 16 a few weeks ago and apparently her father has been teaching her how to drive early reports say that under the president's tutelage, the first daughter has become exceptionally good at picking up girls, according to a senate committee on violence. Denise Brown has done more to bring attention to the cause of battered women than anyone else.

Well, almost anyone else ever. Once again O.J gets little attention and in the business news this week kmart introduced its new credit card and the chain has already been inundated with applications so if you apply for a kmart credit card and get rejected, kill yourself, a new study has found that cheating is dramatically rampant on many of the country's top college campuses and cites students who cheat and get away with it continue to cheat in their adult lives, so says Rutgers University professor Don mccabe, don mccabe is the name of a guy in Maine, a dog trained to dial 9-1. -1 successfully noticed paramedics notified after the owner's oxygen mask became loose, he was close;

However, as 9-1-1 operators had trouble locating the address, woof, woof, in Little Rock, Arkansas, the consumer group is proceeding with a petition drive to obtain a proposal. on the November ballot that would exempt food from the state sales tax or so the Germans would have us believe just weeks away from parenthood pamela lee anderson and her husband, rocker tommy lee, are considering names for their new Baby, if it's a girl, they'll name it after the mother and call it Pamela, and if it's a boy, they'll name it after the father and call it the lucky bastard.

Well, Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Berry says she has come up with a money-saving plan that would close the district's Lorton prison and transfer its seven thousand inmates to private prisons one problem is that the financially strapped district doesn't have the start-up money to implement the plan another problem is that the guy who came up with the plan smokes crack two problems well, the results are 19.95 and once again microsoft CEO Bill Gates is the richest man in the United States. Gates says that he is grateful for his enormous financial success, but it still saddens him when he looks around him and sees other people who have some money.

Last week in Colorado, 71 weapons were traded for the Denver Nuggets. basketball tickets in a program called operation ceasefire However, in a sad example of how difficult it is to stop violence today two people were stabbed to death with Denver Nugget tickets, the US public health service. has begun using CIA spy technology since the 70s to detect tumors in women's breasts doctors can now determine if a breast has a cancerous tumor and also if it has been squeezed well by a communist in a recent interview christopher Reeves said that Robin Williams' comedy helped convince him to keep living, and then added that Paulie Shore's comedy made him pray for the sweet release that death would bring.

Last year, German shepherds were attacked by the most effective police dogs in the world. country, by far, sniffing out illegal drugs worth over 100 million dollars or so the German shepherds made us believe ah, well, technical failure of some kind and in Missouri independence, a library that was going to be the second stop of an exhibition called forbidden books since art decided to ban the exhibition. Librarian Fran Murray, who personally ordered the band, said he has nothing against any of the books he just published. love irony and finally on a sad note the entire nation joins us here on weekend update to mourn the death of comic book legend george burns let this be a lesson to all kids who smoke kill and that's it see you next week people intend to update with no mcdonald's thank you very much mcdonald's and now the fake news our top story tonight in los angeles this week lyle and eric menendez were found guilty of murder in the first degree, so check California law: killing your wife is legal, killing your parents is illegal in the In the wake of the verdict, Menendez's angry defense attorney, Leslie Abramson, said the jury simply decided not to believe on the brothers excuse that they had been sexually abused by their father and says he knows why, quote, it's because my clients are black this week after 50 hours of failed budgeting. conversations with Bill Clinton, a frustrated Bob Dole quoted: We should have a new president and added that he should be a really old guy in other political news.

Texas billionaire Ross Perot announced this week that if his party wants him to run for president, according to a source, it's the first step in Perot's plan to waste the final years of Bob Dole's life yesterday on Rivera Live. cato kaelin made the surprising admission that he now thinks o.j simpson is guilty, although authorities suspect this may just be part of an attempt by cato to stay at fred goldman's house for a while in the meantime, the dream team's lawyer The Simpsons' Alan Dershowitz is back in the news this week and OMG, is he ugly?

Take a look at the guy, I mean this is one ugly ugly guy, no two ways about it. he's an ugly character, alright in paris, pop star michael jackson has announced a deal with a saudi prince to launch an international chain of virtual reality wedding chapels, making this the most normal thing michael jackson has ever done ever and in a recent interview with the tenor Lochiano Pavarotti he says that he is so in love with his new girlfriend that he likes to run naked on the beachwith her read all about it in thisthe month's edition of things that make me vomit that image also makes me vomit the madness of the ncaa marches has hit two of our nation's governors before Thursday's game in umass, arkansas Massachusetts Governor Bill Weld challenged his Arkansas counterpart to a bet, we'll bet a pot of Boston Baked Beans on his team, while Arkansas Governor Jim Guy Tucker bet nearly $10 million in looted funds. of the failed snl.

Well, filming has finally begun on the long-awaited life story of Evita Perron, starring pop singer Madonna. According to its producers, the film is 100% historically accurate, except for the part where Mrs. Perrone has group sex with The Houston Rockets a Minnesota woman has patented a batting helmet she designed for her daughters that features a cutout in the back for a ponytail to go through the helmet and will be marketed to young girls and damn dirty hippies. This winter, the state of Maine had a record 260 snowmobile accidents, most of them caused by drinking and speeding, although if you're not drinking and speeding, what's the point of riding a damn snowmobile? snow?

Not much fun in honor of this year's academy. Awards Carnival Airlines is offering anyone named Oscar a free flight to or from Los Angeles. The airline had tried a similar promotion in the past for the Tony Awards, but according to the airline spokesperson they discovered that their planes were filled with too many greasy Italians for three years. An 11-year-old British school girl put a message in a bottle and threw it into the Atlantic Ocean. Well, this week she was surprised to receive a response from the other side of the world, unfortunately the response said: you are 11 years old, what do you keep updates on? no mcdonald's thank you very much friends thank you I'm norma mcdonald and now the fake news our main story tonight after a search of almost 18 years the man known as the terrorist of a has apparently been captured theodore kozinski is described as a genius with a degree in mathematics from Harvard and the University of Michigan.

Well, now maybe Americans can focus on our real enemy, fancy book learning, although only one of its victims was from California. Governor Pete Wilson is pushing for the Unabomber to be suspected.