Weekend Update ft. Michael Longfellow, James Austin Johnson and Devon Walker - SNL

Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" I AM MICHAEL CHE. I AM COLIN JOST. EARLIER TODAY, AN AMERICAN FIGHTER PLANE SHOT DOWN A SUSPECTED CHINESE SURVEILLANCE BALLOON THAT HAD BEEN SEEN CROSSING THE UNITED STATES, OFFICIALLY ENDING THE MOST COMPLICATED GENDER REVEAL PARTY IN HISTORY. BAD NEWS FOR CHINA, IT'S A GIRL. CHINESE OFFICIALS CONDEMNED THE DECISION TO DESTROY THE BALLOON, SAYING IT WAS A CIVIL PLANE. BUT EVEN THEY CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE REVIVED AP AMERICAN HISTORY CLASS ELIMINATED CLASSES THAT FLORIDA SAYS HAVE BEEN PROBLEMATIC.

INSTEAD OF REPLACING IT WITH AUTHORS YOU CALL ONE OF THE GOOD ONE. REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE SANTOS SAID HE WILL BE MADE SEPARATE FROM HIS COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS TO AVOID BEING A DISTRACTION. HE ADDED THAT THE LAST THING I WANT IS ATTENTION. Then he left in a feather boa. IT WAS ALSO REPORTED THAT I LIED TO CAMPAIGN DONORS THAT I WAS A PRODUCER FOR SPIDERMAN, TURN OFF THE DARKNESS, EVEN THOUGH HE ENDED UP WORKING WITH THE GREEN GOBLIN. HOUSE SPEAKER - THANK YOU - HOUSE SPEAKER KEVIN McCARTHY SEEN HERE WANTING TO KNOW IF ANYONE YOU OR YOU KNOW HAS BEEN INJURED IN A CAR ACCIDENT HE MET IN PERSON WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN ABOUT THE DEBT CEILING AND SAID HE THEY HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION.

It went so well that BIDEN let him take a couple of classified documents out of a bowl. THE FBI SEARCHED PRESIDENT BIDEN'S BEACH HOUSE IN DELAWARE, BUT FOUND NO CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. ALSO, THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE TELLS YOU THAT YOU RECEIVED A BILLION FROM CHINA, REMEMBER YOUR BEACH HOUSE IS IN DELAWARE. IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT DONALD TRUMP'S GOLF COURSES WILL HOST THREE LIV GOLF TOURNAMENTS THIS YEAR, FOSTERING TRUMP'S TIES WITH SAUDI ARABIA. IT MAKES SENSE, SAUDI ARABIA NEEDS VENUE FOR GOLF TOURNAMENTS, AND DUMP NEEDS OIL FOR THAT BIG DUMP TRUCK. THE SENATE VOTED TO DESIGNATE JANUARY AS NATIONAL STALKING AWARENESS MONTH, WHICH IS A GOOD REMINDER THAT WE ARE JUST A FEW WEEKS AWAY FROM THE STALKER CHRISTMAS.

VERY CLOSE TO HOME? WOW. FLORIDA HAS PROPOSED LEGISLATION THAT WOULD ALLOW RESIDENTS TO CARRY FIREARMS WITHOUT PERMIT. ALSO, EVERYONE CAN COMMIT MURDER. RECENTLY RELEASED VIDEO OF A DEPOSITION BEFORE THE NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE SHOWS FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP TAKING THE FIVE HUNDRED TIMES. ALSO CARRYING A FIFTH, HIS LAWYER. FOR THE FIRST TIME, TWO BROTHERS WILL FACE OFF IN THE SUPER BOWL. BY THE WAY, TWO BROTHERS AT THE SUPER BOWL IS THE REASON WHY MY GRANDFATHER WON'T WATCH. OH IN FEBRUARY, MAN, WOW. THIS THURSDAY WAS GROUNDGROUND DAY AND PHIL SAW HIS SHADOW. HERE TO TALK ABOUT THAT IS PHIL.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE? I DON'T KNOW, MAN, THINGS ARE GRIM THERE. RIDE IT, I guess. YOU LOOK PRETTY DOWNLOAD. I THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT DAY FOR YOU. WHAT'S THE POINT OF ME? A MARMOT THAT PREDICT THE WEATHER IN THE YEAR 2023? I AM USELESS. I'm like a sentence in Nick Cannon's wallet. BUT DO YOU SEEN YOUR SHADOW? I SEE MY SHADOW EVERYWHERE. CLIMATE CHANGE HAS RENDERED IT USELESS. IS WINTER STILL HERE? I CUT INTO MY SHORTS THE OTHER DAY. LOGS? IT'S A RESOLUTION. IT WAS NOT ABOUT TO HAVE DRY JANUARY. ALCOHOL, THE ONLY COOL WAY TO WET THE BED.

DO YOU KNOW THAT THE CORE STOPPED? THE CORE OF THE EARTH STOPPED ROTATING. LOOK. SEE. JUST STOPPED. DO YOU WANT ME TO GO TO WORK? I AM A GROWTH. I LIVE NEAR THE CORE, CHE. NOT THAT CLOSE, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH WHEN IT STOP SPINNING, I THOUGHT: WHO FEELS THAT? Do you mind if I take a real quick swing? NO. AT THE AFTER PARTY, EVERYTHING WELL. DO YOU KNOW THAT NOW THE MOON IS THE SUN? WHAT? LOOK. DUE TO THE FIRES, THIS IS WHAT THE SUN LOOKS LIKE IN CALIFORNIA FOR A FEW WEEKS AT A TIME. IT'S LIKE THEY ARE ON A STAR WARS PLANET, AND NOT EVEN A GOOD ONE.

LIKE ONE OF THOSE POOR DUMPS. FOR ME YOU KNOW, THIS IS SPACE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN. WELL, MARMOTS LIVE UNDER THE EARTH, SO TO ME, THIS IS SPACE. HOUSTON, REQUEST OXYGEN REST. TIME IS AN ILLUSION. YES, THE SCIENCE GUYS ARE SAYING THIS. IT'S NOT JUST AN EXCUSE I MAKE WHEN MY OLD LADY SAYS I MISSED OUR ANNIVERSARY. LET'S GET OUT, GUYS LIKE US, RIGHT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY GUYS LIKE US? LET'S GO. I'M PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR. YOU ARE A BAD GROWTH. I'M NOT A BAD GROUNDGROUND. I just like good beaver.

OH, MAN. BUT SERIOUSLY, I'M TRYING TO KEEP MY MIND RIGHT GETTING BACK TO THE BASICS, TOUCHING THE GRASS, EAT THE GRASS, SMOKE THE GRASS. You know, those top hat people are my turn. THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I DRINK. WHAT? YOU LISTENED TO ME. LOOK, AT THE END OF THE DAY, I JUST WANT TO LIVE A LONG LIFE IN PEACE AND DIE FROM NATURAL CAUSES. THAT'S REALLY SO SWEET. WELL, FOR A GROUNDHOG, NATURAL CAUSES MEAN AN 18 WHEELER OBLITERS. OH MY GOD, MAN. THEY SAY YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL IT. I'LL MAKE IT KNOW. A GENETIC ENGINEERING COMPANY HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO BRING BACK THE LONG-RANGE DODO BIRD, BUT ONLY FOR A LIMITED TIME AT ARBY'S.

WE HAVE THE DODO BIRDS. AMC THEATER IS CELEBRATING BLACK HISTORY MONTH BY OFFERING $5 TICKETS TO RECENTLY RELEASED BLACK LED FILMS. THEY ARE ALSO HONORING BLACK PEOPLE BY STARTING THE MOVIE 20 MINUTES LATE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, COLIN? I DON'T KNOW. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. POLICE OFFICIALS IN COLORADO SAY A BEAR DISCOVERED A WILDLIFE CAMERA IN THE WOODS AND POSED FOR MORE THAN 400 SELFIES. 400 SELFIES OF A BEAR IS ALSO KNOWN AS GRINDER PROFILE. THE US SURGEON GENERAL WARNS THAT CHILDREN JOIN SOCIAL MEDIA AT TOO YOUNG AGE, AND SHOULD WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE AT LEAST 16, WHEN THEY ARE WARMEST.

A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT DESPITE WOMEN EARN LESS MONEY THAN MEN, MORE SINGLE WOMEN OWN HOMES IN THE U.S. THAN SINGLE MEN, THANKS TO A PHENOMENON ECONOMISTS CALL DIVORCE. A SCHOOL OFFICIAL IN ILLINOIS HAS BEEN ARRESTED ON CHARGES OF STEALING OVER $1 MILLION IN CHICKEN WINGS, THE OFFICIAL SAID, I SWEAR, HE WAS GOING TO GIVE UP ALL THE MONEY - BOCK! NO. DON'T: THE UNITED KINGDOM WILL CROWN ITS NEW KING AND QUEEN SOON, STARTING A NEW ERA OF THE BRITISH MONARCHY. HERE TO COMMENT BRITISH RAPPERS MILLIE FOUNDS AND SHIRTY. THANK YOU CHE. SO, GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE ROYAL FAMILY?

CAN YOU GIVE US AN UPDATE? WELL, WELL, LISTEN, BUDDY. ALL THE ATTENTION IS ON THE ROYALTY WHEN IT SHOULD BE ON THE EXPLOITING ENGLAND TABLOID PRESS. THEY'RE PANTS, BUDDY. THEY ARE PANTS. WHAT ARE PANTS? THEY ARE PANTS. WE KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENS. WE'VE KNOWN HARRY SINCE OUR DAYS IN EDEN. DID THEY GO TO EDEN? YES. EATING YOUR MOM'S ASS. NO. BUT, SERIOUSLY. LOOK LOOK. IF YOU WANT US TO SUMMARY OUR THOUGHTS, TAKE OUT THE SHELLS AND LISTEN TO ME, OKAY? BECAUSE WE HAVE A WAY OF TALKING. Actually, Millie Pounds. YES. ♪ PRINCE HARRY, PRINCE HARRY, STAYED AT TYLER PERRYS, I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪ ♪ HARRY AND MEGHAN, RONALD REAGAN, INTERRACIAL DATE, THE QUEEN SAID NOT TODAY ♪ ♪ I SLIDE DOWN THE PATH LIKE -- THE GIRL HE SAW ME LIKE - - BECAUSE I STAY WARM LIKE YOUNG ♪ GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, NO.

ARREST. WHO IS YAN WUDUS? CHE, WHY DID YOU STOP IT, BUDDY? WE SHARE MANY FACTS. YOU REALLY DIDN'T DO IT. NOT EVERYTHING IS CHICKEN AND TEA STORES. BUT I THINK THE NEXT VERSE WILL REALLY SHINE A LIGHT ON WHAT'S HAPPENING WHERE WE COME FROM. ALRIGHT? ♪ PRIME MINISTER, YOU KNOW, HE HAS STYLES LIKE HARRY, I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪ ♪ YOUR BOYFRIEND IS POOR, I DO MORE, I CHALLENGE ONLINE WITH YOUR GIRL BECAUSE I STAY AFTER LIKE YAN WUDUS ♪ OK. WAIT WAIT. WHAT IS... WHAT IS THAT? I GREW UP IN NEW YORK IN THE '90S, SO I CONSIDER MYSELF A PRETTY NEW GUY TO HIP HOP, BUT I HAD NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.

AT HOME, WE REALLY DON'T HAVE GUNS, DO WE? BOP, BOP. BUT WE HAVE LITTLE KNIVES THAT WE CARRY WITH US AT ALL TIMES, AND THAT KINDS OF SOUNDS LIKE SHSHSH. BUT WHO IS YAN WUDUS. A SEMI FOOTBALL PLAYER FROM THE 80'S. YOU LIKE FOOTBALL. CAN YOU TELL US HOW THE BRITISH FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE ♪ CORRUPT YOUR GIRL TOLD ME WHAT'S GOING ON, TRY TO SEE THAT ASS ♪ ♪ I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY ♪ ♪ ON A VESPA SCOOTER ♪ STOP ♪