A Mega Collection of School Stories | Would I Lie To You?

to Simon? I know him because when he was signing a comedy book. uh he came and asked me to sign the book and he also asked me to sign my name under the tattoo of my face on his knee when he has when he signs the face is it the normal face when the knee is straight or is it the normal face when it's not It's stretched look, it's my face, it's not normal at all. I question it but you have to answer this honestly when I don't accept people from W. I'm lying to you, I said we're going to invite that man who has a tattoo of your face on his knee you said oh well I'd like to see him again.

Of course, I'm delighted to meet again um yes, Simon, it's Simon Simon Simon, so I did something just to ramble a little bit to me once he gave me this truth backstage after a concert a woman asked me to signed her breast and I went to sign that with the pen she gave me and the pen didn't work and without thinking I went to the other breast and it became horrible uh McKenzie how old were you when you buried this treasure? uh maybe 13 or 14 what was the treasure diamonds God, who how did he get everyone's attention diamonds fake diamonds was a h so how many fake diamonds uh probably six where did you get them all from? six fake diamonds from my sister's jewelry box what and then you called the police and tricked them into coming to get some fake diamonds no they were I put them in the can and they dredged them in the

school

pond so I knew if I placed it in the pond, they

would

find it and where it fit into this.

Simon found the can with the supposed diamonds and a letter that he had forged. What did he say in the letter? It said something like these are stolen smuggled diamonds who who, who, who, who, who, so you're telling me the diamonds were found with a letter, come on, these are smuggled diamonds and someone went, we better find the police, this is genuine, there was a punishment involved, no one ever found out what it was To me, the police came back and told me that they had tested the diamonds and that they weren't diamonds and that it was obviously a host, so they caught Ronnie Bigs, but they couldn't get you.

You're happy to move on, yes Chris, you're married. a virtual world tell us a little more about how you met Simon second life is a virtual world that exists on the Internet secondlife.com and I am one of the players, the different roles you can play you invent an avatar and you are my avatar, now You regret this, which already helps burn, so you are playing the woman in this relationship. Yes, why do you have a second life as a woman? Well, part of it is that you can be whatever you want. be and as I say many people take it don't start singing I am what I am I thought well I will change my personality I will be Audrey Helburn since Audrey Helburn becomes one of my real life right I couldn't do it because someone had already done it and what is it Simon's avatar?

This is Simon Bernstein Jr., and where did you meet him in this virtual world. Well, when you get in there, you can go places and then you meet people who you contact a bit like in real life, but his name is Simon and his fake name is Simon, yes, but his real name is Simon Morgan, presumably more Well as always, it couldn't be Simon Morgan because someone had already done it there. We were about 20 million people, not Audrey Heurn, no help, Burn, yes, no, but you wanted to, yes, but he is Morgan as a psychiatrist. C, you're not or I'm not going to tell you again.

We went through this last week. You are not orary head. I haven't yet established where you met Simon Bernstein Jr. I met him at a cocktail party yes, I married him for his money, but I got married. I believe you because when you said you married him for his money, do you see his face? He didn't help, he said no, that was the ink on his knees Dr., what are you going to say Le? Who do you think he is? This is complicated for me. Victoria, who is he who is he connected to? If this were a poker game and I had to make a call, I'd say McKenzie it is. the one who is not bluffing, you go by body language, but that's interesting, what is it about his body that tells you that he is not bluffing?

He has a certain calm. I know for a fact that he is on heavy medication. Don't know. I don't know, look at it from another perspective, Simon is too geeky to have tattoos on his knees, but I think the Avatar thing sounds too plausible. I think this is McKenzie, well, listen. Victoria is one of the best poker players and she knows body language better than anyone. Are you saying it's definitely McKenzie Crook? Are you saying it's buried treasure? Yes, okay, Simon,

would

you like to reveal your true identity? My name is Simon and when we were at

school

together I discovered McKenzie's buried treasure, everything that, uh, McKenzie.

He said it was absolutely true Simon found the treasure McKenzie buried it at his school and we can actually show you the letter look at this on this 10 I played stolen you don't mind if I do it with an accent right on this 10? You have to play Stolen Diamonds, you're going to do it with an accent. I would never claim to have your rank as an actor. David. Should I do Posh and repressed or repressed and Posh? Well done, thank you very much Simon for coming, how about that? I have such a terrible singing voice that one year my teacher told me to mime during our school's Christmas carol concert.

What was what was the song? What was what was the song? It was a variety of Christmas carols Oh, there are some that you talked about, you were just bad, complete St It wasn't just a song, Oh no, no, I know you're right, I sang some of them like an angel, Oh, come everyone You're faithful , he would just shout the word, so what did he do? He said this in front of everyone. um no, no, I was. They took me aside and I said, look, you're finding this a little difficult, right? and it's it's putting it's putting some of the other guys it's so true or false it's time to decide it's too obvious and too easy so I don't know, no, you're thinking of me, it's a line, I think it might just be a lie . we say a lie the team says a lie let's go with a lie yes it's okay David truth or a lie is a lie is a lie David was not told anything during his school's Christmas carol concert because he has a terrible singing voice.

David has never been asked to remain silent. at school, well, once, but out of respect for the career of a gym teacher, we won't go into that there was a saying at my old school, if Lee Mack can pass his geography O level then anyone can, it's eminently plausible , David, but is it true? That? I mean, in what way did it constitute a saying? I mean, I'm sure someone could have said that. That makes it a saying. I'll be honest, it wasn't on the school's coat of arms, apparently it was, it was said. For a few years after I left, what was it about your approach to geography that led your geography teacher to think you were pretty much the worst geography person on Earth?

Well, because we used to do mocks, you do mock levels the year before and I failed badly, so they said they would all go to the CSE class, which was for the kids who used to hit nails with hammers, and my mom went to the school and said that he simply failed and that with that extra opportunity he would pass. and they looked at his sad, teary little eyes and the coal on his back and they said yes M, they said we'll give him that chance, look Lee, if this isn't being developed into a movie, then you've been stealing what the rating was the rating what happened with yes C so if you had that's a grade listen this is important right I doubt it but go ahead no wonder you're single so lie Li Li lie uh read l Le what no that's the name of your Vietnamese girlfriend, who even as I speak is at home right now banging on the inside door of the Airing closet.

I'll be home soon, my sweet Lee, live, in fact, it's true, true, I can't eat. custard creams because they remind me of Spencer Witfield, who bullied me at school. What did Spencer Whitfield do to you? He pinned me down with his companions and forced me to feed him custard creams, why not just hit you? Carded cream Did you look thin? We, the type of lessons we had was, believe it or not, in high school. Okay, we'll go around the class and everyone has to tell us what his favorite cookie is. One that they like. One they hate.

What subject? was this, was home economics and uh, did you do a level of economics? No, I didn't do levels, obviously, look at me, what do you think is the effect of levels on the face? See, you have scars, the kind of school you went to. If you were a boy you couldn't do home economics you would have been doing carpentry yes I don't think you're confusing me with the movie kez well it was a choice between kestrels and coal they let me choose home economics why did I do it? you choose that topic instead of CS or I really thought it was about money.

I thought I'd learn how to use money wisely and I walked in there and it was full of kids who wanted to cook and do embroidery who were big bullies, so David, what are you going to say? I don't think it's true, but you're pretty determined it's a lie, okay, it's true, Lei, is it true or is it a lie? a lie, one of my best friends at school was a little man I had made out of a toast that I always kept in My Band, okay, yeah, right, next question, what was Tim's name Tim, toast in the toast man toast, how did you do it?

I cut it I cut it I really cut it I actually figured it out myself scissors or a knife uh scissors scissors so you have a piece of toast brown or white good question brown toast brown was it buttered no, it wasn't butter? That would be stupid David I was thinking of making you some toast, buttering it without thinking first oh no, that was the one I was going to cut and make now, unfortunately, I buttered my friend, but then my friend will be more buttery, which are The fats in the butter would help preserve the friend from the mold that would otherwise develop, which will be the focus of my next question: how long did Tim last before rotting and what did you feel when you saw Tim, whom you created? 10 minutes ago what are you asking me?

I'm wondering what happened to Tim's rot. I don't remember a rot. How old were you when you made Tim seven seven or eight and how old were you when you stopped being interested? Tim, uh, 29, and what did he do? What did he do? Tim. Have you never had an imaginary friend? He was simply. This was not an imaginary friend. This is a friend who happens to be made of toast. I know in your own image Yes, you remember designing big legs because I wanted him to be a fast runner like me. Where did Tim sleep in Soler?

Did you put him to bed in the morning? Okay, so David's team. I think you have done it. I heard enough um, what do you think? I think it is true. I'd love to make a little toast, mate. I think it s true. I don't know, so I'm happy to accept the truth. Yes, you're saying it's true, true, okay Miranda, is it true? It's a lie, in fact, it is, oh God, it was a lie all along. One of Miranda's best friends at school wasn't a little man she had made out of a slice of toast, well now it makes sense, a little man living in a woman's purse is both the plot of a charming children's story and reason to be committed to a psychiatric institution.