I Swear To God : Heaven and Hell || Jim Jefferies

I'm not afraid of dying if I get AIDS or something like that. I don't mind. I hate life. I have never enjoyed a moment on this planet. I don't want to live forever and the only people I have. I'm not worried about dying because I'm an atheist right now. I know this is a Christian country and I defend your right to be religious, but you should know that you are wrong, you are living in a fantasy land and all. After you die, nothing happens, stop being a child. I'm going to be afraid to die because I'm an atheist.

I know I will rot in the ground. I won't even know I'm dead. You want to know why? I'll be dead, religious people worry because they believe in

heaven

, if there's a

heaven

there has to be a

hell

and everyone who's read that book knows you've done enough to go to

hell

, and that makes it very stressful. be on your deathbed. Isn't it, what an idiot are you going to be? This is not going to be good. Hey, I don't want to go to heaven. I don't even want the option of heaven. I don't want to exist in a conscious state for the rest of eternity constantly thinking I don't like to think about how it is where my passport is I can't punch women in the face Colonel Bliss I don't care how wonderful it is, it's eternal, you'll get used to it and then you will get bored and what is the helmet to be like fire and brimstone an eternal agony that is what is written in the Bible that is the book of God as far as I know the devil has not brought out a book that we do not know he saw the plot right, if you ask me, the devil and God are arguing, the devil is a bigger man because God is just writing about him and the devil is not even going to comment, son, if you talk about me like that, let's think about this rationally correct, which is It's not a good point for Christians to think rationally fire and brimstone and eternal agony that's what it means for helmets to be like that's written in the Bible now God rules the entire universe except one place which is ruled by hell and the devil who is ruled by the devil and now the devil is his biggest enemy and they don't get along at all right now if you act badly you're going to hell right now you've lied you've cheated you've stolen you've been an idiot your whole life life, what? why would the devil punish you?

You're one of his guys, he'll go, that's where all the prostitutes and drugs will be. No, they will reach heaven. Don't think God will open the door and walk away, Jim. I've been a good guy, you see this big tits lounge with a coconut line, knock you out son and what better happen when you die and go to heaven, you see a big bright light, you walk towards the light, what's at the end of the light? all your dead relatives, well, Dee shouts, have you ever spent a weekend at your grandparents' house? They'd be out there for an hour wishing that you or I, friends, would die, each other, meeting everyone, hi Nana, hi grandpa, hi uncle, who used to touch me.

How did you get here? Oh, that's right, you used to work for the church. You hear that little groan when I said that when I said you have to work for the church it's because there are religious people in the crowd and they don't like to hear facts. Because in the Catholic Church it's been a 60 minute thing, but I say it's like oh no, no, because religious people will forgive God for anything if he there, money makes good things, children's laughter is like that, true, but when it does bad things like hurricanes, it helps. cancer child abuse then let's just go oh well God works in mysterious ways what kind of excuse is that what what's so mysterious about acting like a less mysterious activity since the beginning of time if I've caught up with a religious girl she has to come home and I'm going to rape a mother, right, and she's going to look at me and say, what are you doing?

I'm going. They are mysterious. I've always been mysterious. Look, religious people are stupid. That's how the world works. you believe what all scientists and rational thinking people believe and that is the Big Bang Theory and then evolution kicked in, there is a little help from microorganisms like a tadpole there, that tadpole learned to walk or something like that and then there were some animals in the middle and then a monkey. Hey, so there are our religious people who believe that it was created and that is creationism, they believe that God put two white people in the jungle without sunscreen and they and now we have people there, we have black people, Arab people, oriental people and so the amount of inbreeding, very few. retarded seems so plausible seeing the fact is that there is evolution in the bible true jesus was four foot seven four four seven he was a normal sized guy everyone was short back then we are all taller now because of evolution this is how jesus he could feed people two fish little people big fish, fuck, so this is Jesus here, he's a tiny little Arab Jew, he looks like Super Mario now, if Jesus is this big, that means his cross was such maybe this big now I'm not saying that I'm better than Jesus, but if I were in that little crush, my feet would be on the ground and I would live, I would kill myself, I would be much more powerful, I would not only live, but I would get up off the ground and would hit everyone.

Little Roman bastards and history would be very different thousands of years before Jesus there's a guy named Noah and Noah built a ship and Noah lived to be 950 years old but they never mentioned that in the sermons because we might think that's how it is and Noah had thousands of years. before Jesus, so no, he was this big, there's little no with his long hair and his big beard, he looks like a glorified chess piece and he built a boat and they put all the animals in the boat and we had two of each animal. and he lived in Afghanistan when it was a place that loved God and all the animals came and they all swam there and they all came there about a week all the kangaroos and all that kind of stuff when he figured out some kind of refrigeration system to keep them cold to the polar bears and the lionheart and made the door of the ark very small so that the dinosaurs couldn't get in because he was there.

He had storage areas for all those picky diets because we all know how picky eaters are. pandas I appeared as a group of pandas. I'm done with pandas. I'm not telling you why, right, all living creatures love pandas. The Panda does not have a natural predator on the planet and they do it because the cocks let them die. It's that they don't know each other, therefore they don't have babies, therefore we have nothing to do with a dead weight, let's lose the manners that we have tried, we have tried, we, the human race, gather the painters in cages and we try to help them, but they Don't we go?

There is a panda. They go to the sign and they just look at each other. You would put me in a cage with anything and after a week I will do it. Do you think Penny is too serious? That's all I'm going to do. To be honest, I say about Christianity, it's just a glorified panda joke, this is a comedy that works well, you start with the funny but work backwards, so I start with Panner and then work my way back to little Jesus. It's very logical, but I know that I'm in the United States. I know you guys love God and all that.

Hey, so let's pick a few more religions and make it fair. Jews, what's all that with curly sideburns? We are in the Bible to say if you love me. You'll look like an idiot the next religion is not the fat bastard's Buddha that's all I have about Buddha one more Muslim and you're sorry one word one word and you're already cringing ah I'll be a good Australian man don Isn't that why you think that when I say Muslims I'm about to be racist, eh, yeah, I'm not racist, I'm a bigot, it's completely different and being Muslim isn't a race?

I'm not talking to Arabs. I don't have a problem with Arabs I like to eat food late at night I'm talking about Muslims They're not talking about terrorists All comics don't make Muslim jokes They make a terrorist joke Obviously most of them are terrorists I'm Talking about the things we know It's The fact that women have very few rights in their culture now sounds good in theory, but you know, in a society it should be frowned upon. I don't think I can be Muslim because they can. I don't eat bacon or drink beer and they're like the two best things in the world.

If you take away my bacon and beer, I'll fly a plane into a building.