Secrets of a Couples Counselor: 3 Steps to Happier Relationships | Susan L. Adler | TEDxOakParkWomen

If you're trying to be a good person, if you want to be your best possible self, these are pretty difficult times, so what if we could inspire each other, especially the people we associate with, to become more thoughtful and loving versions of ourselves, my Ruby friends? and Jeff inspired me, they always had been, they were lovely people, down to earth, good and totally dedicated to each other, but one day, many years ago, something happened, one day Ruby wanted to go out. I had never seen her so angry and according to her it was all Jeff's fault it was all Jeff's fault I deserved more she said a lot more and I really thought more of Jeff Jeff was the guy who came home after a hard day's work and prepared elaborate meals for his family just because, what had happened? about Ruby and what Oprah had to do with it.

Oh, we're going there, but not yet. As a

couples

counselor

, I hear a lot of people talk a lot about how her relationship problems are not at all her fault when it's her partner's. Upset with them, they say things like she's too sensitive or he doesn't know what she's talking about. When I hear things like this, I sit and listen and empathize with her pain and frustration, but I know that playing the blame game never gets anyone caught. what they really want in need when our troubled

relationships

were hurt and angry we feel hurt and misunderstood so we can't always see our own role and all that unhappiness we give ourselves a free pass and then we magnify to our partners every misstep We store all that pain and hurt in what I call a black bag of resentment.

That resentment kills

relationships

. The bigger the bag, the more we feel like victims and the area we get over time we may still be a couple, but we are no longer a couple. as a team we become opponents in a war that has no winner to stop being a victim we have to let go of those heavy black bags release our pain and send it to the universe take responsibility for our mistakes and apologize for the unhappiness we have Because that is not easy . Letting go involves changing the story we tell ourselves and admitting to being part of the problem and the solution.

Then, how do we do it? So many relationship problems actually have very little to do with the relationship itself. Research tells us that the less stress we have, the

happier

our relationships are, the problem is that we mix that up all the time instead of seeing that our own unhappiness puts stress on our relationship, we blame our relationship for our unhappiness, we get angry, Then we try to get revenge and then we wonder why. things go wrong these three

steps

can help step number one anything but anger step number two raise the bar and step number three I would love the statements to remember step number one anything but anger or ABA for short think about the gang 70 ABBA, you know?

They make dance queen because they have the same initials as BA well, besides, at least for me it is difficult to imagine being angry listening to ABBA, I mean, Abba is anger, also like the bodyguard of emotions, when we are angry, we protect ourselves of feelings. The pain is because pain is a harder thing to feel than anger. Pain makes us feel vulnerable. Being vulnerable makes us feel helpless and no one wants to feel helpless, so we use anger to push away our pain, our sadness and our vulnerability, and in the process we end up pushing away the people we love the most, also the kerosene of relationship problems, the poor anger towards whatever problem you are having and you see it flare up.

This may be the reason why we can have the same argument over and over again and what could be called deja vu to an argument, the anger builds up and feeds on itself until there is permanent damage or it explodes, so when If you feel angry, sit back, breathe deeply and ask yourself what am I really feeling underneath all this anger that expresses everything else. That frustration or anger may draw close to you the next time your partner lets you down, and instead of lashing out, imagine saying, I feel sad or hurt or disappointed. Anything other than anger can help you open up.

Let you join in and start a conversation instead of an argument. The second step is raising the bar, which is when you challenge yourself to be better, whether your partner is behaving well or badly, whether they are meeting your needs or not. By satisfying your needs you take the right path. Suppose your partner is stressed or is in a bad mood or is being irrational. It's hard to imagine. I know you can go down that rabbit hole with her or you can make a different decision. When your partner is out of control and that's what happens with most of us from time to time, you don't have to catch his crazy ball as the saying goes, the hallmark of a good relationship is when only one person goes crazy at the same time instead of catching the ball. crazy, raise the bar and challenge yourself to be helpful, loving and kind, these are all factors that research indicates make for

happier

relationships instead of screaming oh my god what's wrong with you?

Stop breathing, imagine saying, "I'm so sorry, you're upset." What bothers you is important to me, how can I help you? There is nothing to fight about if you are being helpful you will not get caught in the downward spiral if you are consciously raising the bar the third and final step is to use I would I would love the statements. I would love it if you offered to help me with the purchase. I would love for you to tell me if I look good. I would love for us to pick a night to be alone. Doesn't it sound better? so you never make time for me, but a word of caution, just use it: I would love it in a positive, future-focused way, so don't say negative things like: I would love it if you would stop being such a jerk.

That's not positive. Criticize and don't say things to focus on the past like I would love for you to clean the kitchen again yesterday. That's just criticism. Focus on moving forward and being positive. This is how you set your partner, yourself, and your relationship up for success. this is how you meet your needs think about it like this your relationship is like a garden a garden needs water, fertilizer and sunlight to grow and a relationship needs connection, communication and joy to flourish when we nourish our relationship we become a team and we build trust and the goodwill we will need to get through the tough times, but remember that these are self-improvement

steps

, not weapons, so don't criticize your partner, for example, because they forgot to raise the bar in the end.

These skills are not. for every situation and they are not for every couple, frankly not all relationships should survive some are too unhealthy anything but anger raises the bar and I would love if these three step statements can make you happier and help you create the relationship. What you want and need When we take responsibility and value each other, our new attitude may inspire our new partner to want to do the same, which brings me back to my friends Ruby and Jeff. I finally found out what would happen to Ruby, so a lot of her anger wasn't even about Jeff, she just wasn't herself, she gets stressed and afraid about other family and completely unrelated issues and then one day she was watching Oprah, that guy bad there.

Oprah was hosting an episode that had a whole panel of perfect, incredibly romantic men and Jeff, he was just a regular guy, he wasn't really a romance superstar, neither was Ruby, however, she lost it, she wanted Jeff was like those men on Oprah and then demanded that Jeff become just like those men on Oprah and the more she demanded, guess what she did, the more she resisted and the angrier they both got, she was pushing Jeff away just when she needed him, most Things were looking really bad for them, but guess what three relationship tools he decided to use.

Try first, she focused on anything but anger instead of taking out her stress on Jeff and her pain and fears on him, she shared what was going on with her, she shared what was underneath his anger that made him feel more close to her and him. He wanted to be there for the second, she raised the bar by showing him how much she loved him and needed him, which inspired him to want to be more romantic and because he did such a great job with step one and step two, he almost didn't really do it. I even need to use some "I would love if" statement because his love drew him to her We all know relationships that should end We all have friends who have divorced, but Ruby and Jeff that crisis passed a long time ago and they have been together for thirty happy years and inspire the rest of us to do the same.

I hope you follow their lead and inspire yourself and your partner to have a stronger, more loving relationship, and I hope you share your

secrets

to a happier relationship with others with tips like this.